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Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Reflection
Music Choice: “One Feeling” Dommin. CD: Love is Gone (2010)
Fantastical CD. Manda loves to tell people that we saw them in concert last June and I had a chance to speak to the lead singer. Instead of fawning over him, Manda says that I strolled right up to him, double fisted my hands in his t-shirt, pulled him close and blew her mind away. When I pulled away from him, Manda turns to me and says, “What did you say to him?”
And I merely shrugged my shoulders and said, “I told him I wanted more music and he needed to get on that ASAP.”
***
I sat on the dock, lily pads dotted the edge of the pond, frogs chirped and the wind rustled through the overgrown cattails. I brushed my hair away from my eyes and unfolded my legs out from under me. The water cold on the bottom of my feet and I wiggled my toes. Gentle ripples waved from my feet and fanned out until they faded back into the calm water. I was all alone. Alone with my thoughts, alone with my fear of the unknown. The bottom of the pond was a dark and solitude place and something I’d never conquer unless I tackled it head first.
My heart thumped in fear, adrenaline rushed through my veins as I stood up and peeled off my shirt. I threw the shirt onto the bank and my jeans followed. The wind caressed my skin and called for me to get closer to the water. I tiptoed, mesmerized by the calm, and watched the reflection of clouds float by me. Sunlight dimmed on the water and I came to the edge of the dock. My toes flexed over the rough wood and dug in as if they could hold me back from what was inevitable.
I took a deep breath and held it as I worked up enough courage to face my fear. I breathed out slowly and I threw myself into the air. The water was cold as it rushed over me and I gasped as I dipped below the surface. I shot to the surface and coughed and sputtered and floundered. The sound of my heart roared in my head, my lungs hurt from lack of oxygen and I looked up to the sky one last time. The sun peeked through the clouds and haloed around me. I closed my eyes and stopped fighting. The dark embraced me.
***
I’ve been on vacation. In case you didn’t notice. During vacation, I usually try to write, stretch my wings creatively and just chill out. This vacation was different. I didn’t write at all. Didn’t pull out my laptop once. Fielded no calls from the office. My life was blissfully work stress free and silent. Before I left for vacation, I found myself sitting in the quiet peaceful room with a psychic massage therapist at the request of my BFF. Apparently, I am too wound up to enjoy relaxing properly. Now, I am a very private person. Most people who know me know that without a doubt I don’t want anyone to know what I’m hiding, what I’m thinking or what I’m doing. Going to a psychic massage therapist doesn’t really mesh well with my need to hide in plain sight.
You can just gather from my meeting with her that she’s pretty freaking accurate. Then I turn around and the first day of vacation a tarot card reader throws down an accurate read of my past and my current status. I’m kinda pissed that I’m losing my ability to hide. If you can just tell someone your full name (sans the middle because no one gets that kind of power over me- people who use middle names own souls in my fcked up little fictional world), year you were born and occupation (which we all know I answer vaguely) and they can throw down a read that you have a hard time lying about and are still thinking about two weeks later, warrants some respect. I blame this on the psychic massage therapy breaking my wall and I didn’t have time to properly rebuild it before the tarot card reader threw down with me. It’s like she knew exactly where I was going to be and lured me in.
So, for the remainder of my vacation I was left with a few thoughts brewing in the back of my brain. Change is coming, the type of change I’ve been looking for and striving for seven years. I’m left with forcing my writing because creatively I’m stunted due to my lack of change so I have to reflect and take a step back. And last but not least, my life is looking to be turned upside down. I like change and I thrive when it comes to living on the fly. It comes from years and years of biding my time.
Relaxing is not something I do easily. I’m too wound for sound, always moving and always doing. Pausing to reflect and change course on something I’ve set my mind to is always too difficult for me. I’d rather scratch it all and start over. Clean slate with no marks and no scuffs and no issues to address. Walk away before it gets ugly- that’s my motto. Diana has caused me to take a step back and think about what I really want out of my writing. I spent a lot of time in the pool, on my back, staring up at the sky while I thought about in theory what writing means to me and my mental state. Where I want my characters to go and how to grow. But the goal was to not put anything on paper. Think, reflect, relax, enjoy and learn.
After two weeks, I can’t say that I’m any further along in my self-examination of my writing psyche.
Sabbaticals, hiatuses from writing- Do you think they are a good idea? Any writers you can think of that have taken years off between books only to come back stronger than they were before? What is your favorite relaxation technique?
Fantastical CD. Manda loves to tell people that we saw them in concert last June and I had a chance to speak to the lead singer. Instead of fawning over him, Manda says that I strolled right up to him, double fisted my hands in his t-shirt, pulled him close and blew her mind away. When I pulled away from him, Manda turns to me and says, “What did you say to him?”
And I merely shrugged my shoulders and said, “I told him I wanted more music and he needed to get on that ASAP.”
***
I sat on the dock, lily pads dotted the edge of the pond, frogs chirped and the wind rustled through the overgrown cattails. I brushed my hair away from my eyes and unfolded my legs out from under me. The water cold on the bottom of my feet and I wiggled my toes. Gentle ripples waved from my feet and fanned out until they faded back into the calm water. I was all alone. Alone with my thoughts, alone with my fear of the unknown. The bottom of the pond was a dark and solitude place and something I’d never conquer unless I tackled it head first.
My heart thumped in fear, adrenaline rushed through my veins as I stood up and peeled off my shirt. I threw the shirt onto the bank and my jeans followed. The wind caressed my skin and called for me to get closer to the water. I tiptoed, mesmerized by the calm, and watched the reflection of clouds float by me. Sunlight dimmed on the water and I came to the edge of the dock. My toes flexed over the rough wood and dug in as if they could hold me back from what was inevitable.
I took a deep breath and held it as I worked up enough courage to face my fear. I breathed out slowly and I threw myself into the air. The water was cold as it rushed over me and I gasped as I dipped below the surface. I shot to the surface and coughed and sputtered and floundered. The sound of my heart roared in my head, my lungs hurt from lack of oxygen and I looked up to the sky one last time. The sun peeked through the clouds and haloed around me. I closed my eyes and stopped fighting. The dark embraced me.
***
I’ve been on vacation. In case you didn’t notice. During vacation, I usually try to write, stretch my wings creatively and just chill out. This vacation was different. I didn’t write at all. Didn’t pull out my laptop once. Fielded no calls from the office. My life was blissfully work stress free and silent. Before I left for vacation, I found myself sitting in the quiet peaceful room with a psychic massage therapist at the request of my BFF. Apparently, I am too wound up to enjoy relaxing properly. Now, I am a very private person. Most people who know me know that without a doubt I don’t want anyone to know what I’m hiding, what I’m thinking or what I’m doing. Going to a psychic massage therapist doesn’t really mesh well with my need to hide in plain sight.
You can just gather from my meeting with her that she’s pretty freaking accurate. Then I turn around and the first day of vacation a tarot card reader throws down an accurate read of my past and my current status. I’m kinda pissed that I’m losing my ability to hide. If you can just tell someone your full name (sans the middle because no one gets that kind of power over me- people who use middle names own souls in my fcked up little fictional world), year you were born and occupation (which we all know I answer vaguely) and they can throw down a read that you have a hard time lying about and are still thinking about two weeks later, warrants some respect. I blame this on the psychic massage therapy breaking my wall and I didn’t have time to properly rebuild it before the tarot card reader threw down with me. It’s like she knew exactly where I was going to be and lured me in.
So, for the remainder of my vacation I was left with a few thoughts brewing in the back of my brain. Change is coming, the type of change I’ve been looking for and striving for seven years. I’m left with forcing my writing because creatively I’m stunted due to my lack of change so I have to reflect and take a step back. And last but not least, my life is looking to be turned upside down. I like change and I thrive when it comes to living on the fly. It comes from years and years of biding my time.
Relaxing is not something I do easily. I’m too wound for sound, always moving and always doing. Pausing to reflect and change course on something I’ve set my mind to is always too difficult for me. I’d rather scratch it all and start over. Clean slate with no marks and no scuffs and no issues to address. Walk away before it gets ugly- that’s my motto. Diana has caused me to take a step back and think about what I really want out of my writing. I spent a lot of time in the pool, on my back, staring up at the sky while I thought about in theory what writing means to me and my mental state. Where I want my characters to go and how to grow. But the goal was to not put anything on paper. Think, reflect, relax, enjoy and learn.
After two weeks, I can’t say that I’m any further along in my self-examination of my writing psyche.
Sabbaticals, hiatuses from writing- Do you think they are a good idea? Any writers you can think of that have taken years off between books only to come back stronger than they were before? What is your favorite relaxation technique?
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2010,
Sin,
Writing for Rum
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58 comments:
Wow, Sinsister, great way to start a vacation... And sometimes, the change that you need is forced upon you, by breaking walls down. Perhaps the best change you can make is to build a porthole in your walls this time around.
I find it too easy to take time off and not write. And generally, it's a bad thing for me. Too hard to slide into laziness. So even if I don't break out the computer, I like to take notes, let my characters write poetry or sing...let my stories find a different direction than I'm sliding toward.
I've recently begun a new therapy for my back problems. Bowen work has opened my eye to a different sort of relaxation. I'm relaxing more as my body re-adjusts itself back to a more natural stance and posture. And my back is loving me for it. It's a working way to relax... Oddly enough, not an oxymoron!
Your comments on privacy really resonated with me, because I've spent most of my life the same way. Sometimes I think it's good for writing, because it allows you to absorb everything around you without giving away too much info about yourself.
I like to take a little break from writing after I've finished something -- but if I take too long, it's hard to get back in the groove (JUST like exercise -- LOL).
On another topic, I finaled in a contest that is allowing people to vote on the entries online. If anyone wants to read my entry and/or vote for any of the 8 finalists, I'll be glad to provide info. :) (Whew--in the olden days I would have kept that private! LOL)
I love that you use the word sabbatical. It fits for a writer and it sounds so much more respectful than vacation! I think writers don't really get true vacations, if that means they totally compartmentalize fun from work. It's never that clean a break for a writer.
Lovely Wiki says:
In recent times, "sabbatical" has come to mean any extended absence in the career of an individual in order to achieve something. In the modern sense, one takes sabbatical typically to fulfill some goal, e.g., writing a book or traveling extensively for research.
I think you were on a sabatical, Sin. :) It's not like you HAVE to write on a sabatical. It's necessary though to recharge your batteries and bring in other experiences. I can relate to what you say about change and how the lack of it can stunt your creativity. I can't really say that I like change, but it has its perks.
Oh, and I can't really think of a favorite relaxation technique. The only thing that seems to work in actually more stress repeating itself over and over until the frightening thing becomes routine. Doesn't that sound lovely? *LOL* So, no, that's not a favorite! I guess it's kind of like conquering that fear of diving off that dock. :)
Btw, my first morning class today cancelled so I had an extra hour. Yay! I'm so itching to get into my writing after my enforced "sabbatical" and can't wait for the end of this week. Spring break next week!
I like to take a little break from writing after I’ve finished something — but if I take too long, it’s hard to get back in the groove (JUST like exercise — LOL).
This is true. I'm always rusty from my many breaks, and that's a drawback. But I think that's something fixable so I can live with it better than not having the desire to write at all. :)
Congrats, Donna on finaling in the contest!
Sex is my favorite relaxation technique. If that is not available (in any of its forms), massage is good. Massage is really good. Followed by some Chinese food. (That's also nice after the sex, too. Just saying.)
The way I write books, I suspect I'm going to be one of those 1 book a year...or decade. Whatever. It'll be like J.K. Rowling or Sophie Kinsella. Brilliant, but slow in coming. Worth every dime and second I had to wait.
Speaking as also a person who can't relax, I remember playing hooky with Holly once. It was a spring day--warm, gorgeous, and we took off from work to go to Flatbranch to drink beer. I didn't drink beer because I didn't like beer. Holly said, "You'll like this beer." We ordered beer. We drank a bit, laughed, lolled in the sun, and finally I said, "I feel weird. I think I need a nap."
"No," Holly said, "you're just relaxed and you don't recognize it because you've never been relaxed."
We found this so funny, we laughed for a half hour.
By the way, does this CHANGE that they suggested you implement mean our writing meetings are coming to an end? What type of change are we talking here?
So I've been thinking about this all week, and I don't have a relaxation method, except by really bad means, like smoking cigarettes (I know, I know). Hmm, maybe this is why I can never seem to relax! I need more stress relief options. Though I do like Helli's ideas. Give me a good massage, sex, Chinese food, and beer, and I'll be *very* relaxed!
For some reason, I take a month-long break from writing at the 2/3 point in every book. No idea why, and it drives me nuts. I try not to take a break between books, because the longer I go without writing, the harder it is to get back into the groove.
Donna - it's just like exercise for me too!
uh, I meant, I'd been thinking about this all *morning*. I'll leave the psychic stuff to the professionals. I do think this kind of internal reflection is necessary for a writer's heart. I hope it gets you where you want to go, Sin.
Omigod, I'd die for a cigarette. I haven't had one in 8 years and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about marching my ass into a gas station and buy myself a pack and smoke until I'm sick.
But I made a promise to the Mattycakes. As long as I don't smoke, he doesn't chew. And chewing is much nastier than smoking.
Donna, I have to agree with the exercising thing. I haven't truly exercised much since I went bonkers last year about this time. I play at exercising occasionally but have never got back into the groove of every day (or at least 6 days a week).
I'm proud of you for speaking up and saying something about your finaling in that contest! Congrats! I know what it takes to post something personal. You did good :)
Chanceroo, my BFF booked it for me because she knew if she told me ahead of time what she was doing, I wouldn't agree. Only because I like my bubble and wall and personal space and when you do something like that you have to open your mind.
I need working ways to relax. I think that's why I stick with yoga. While it keeps me flexible, it allows me to be in motion while I kill off my mind.
Hells, you crack me up. LOL I love laughing for 30 minutes about nothing. I do that to Manda all the time.
And no that does not mean I'm giving up on writing or writing meetings. I need the meetings to give me perspective and thought.
I'm like Hal; I generally take a break about 2/3 of the way through a book. But it's never a relaxing break. It's usually because I'm totally stumped and every day I stress about why I'm stressed and why I can't seem to get moving forward. So I'd hardly call that a sabbatical.
As for relaxation techniques? I don't think I have one either. I don't have time to relax. All my spare seconds are spent writing. LOL!! So maybe writing is my relaxation technique. Because when I write (at least when it's going well) I feel relaxed and like all is right with the world.
I haven't smoked in 4 years, after my father died of lung cancer I quit after smoking a pack a day. But still, when I walk by folks lighting up, I can't help but lean closer and breath deep. 'Cause every smoker remembers what that first drag is like.
I do like Hellion's suggestion. I love Chinese food and I generally feel good and relaxed after I eat it. At least initially....
MARN smoked? Is anyone else having the same reaction as me as hearing a nun use the F-bomb? No?
The meetings give perspective and thought? I thought we spent most of our time laughing like loons about nothing.
But I was really going to miss the cheese dip.
Sorry I'm late, as usual lately. Happy to hear you had a good vacation, Sin. Sounds like you did it up right. I can't remember the last time I escaped and did absolutely nothing. And I've never heard of a psychic message therapist. I'm not sure I'd like that either.
Now, a regular message, I'd love it if I could find the right masseuse. Found out this morning that our new insurance plan has wellness coverage and message might be covered. Booyah!
Taking a break from writing would first require non-stop writing. So I can't qualify. And though I'm laid back, I don't think I ever really relax. I notice my body is tense all the time. No idea how to change that.
The laughing like loons about nothing is exactly the type of therapy I need. LOL
Oh make her stop talking about the first drag. The way it fills your lungs and the sweet sweet feeling of bliss as you exhale.
Welcome back, Sin. I went through the first half of my life (assuming I live to be about 75 or 80) at full throttle. I was trying to be everything to everyone else and didn't know how to slow down and relax, as you say. About 5-10 years ago I started learning and it has been great. It is just another habit - the more you do it the better you get at it.
My brother says the same thing about smoking. My Dad smoked and died of lung cancer (with a few others thrown in for good measure) and only one of my siblings smoked - my brother. He quit after my Dad died (about 12 years ago). He says now that he would start up again in a minute if he knew it wouldn't eventually end up killing him. God bless all those who have quit and God be with all those trying - it is not an easy thing.
Ter, definitely take advantage of your insurance plans wellness coverage. More and more insurance companies are starting to realize the benefits of alternative methods. It's really great. Especially since you'll be able to get massage :)
Ter, the first massage I received was at the YMCA my mom worked at and I was about 20 years old. This elderly German lady was my masseuse and told me that in Europe massages are covered under health plans and people receive them weekly! I was tempted to move out of the country right then and there. LOL
Hells says: "MARN smoked? Is anyone else having the same reaction as me as hearing a nun use the F-bomb? No?"
LOL! I said I haven't smoked in 4 years. I'm sure it's just that I'm way more virtuous than I was back then.... *snort*
Irish, I'm sorry about your dad.... Mine's cancer started in the lungs and then hit up all the nearby organs too. It was awful to watch, looked painful. I'd like to say I stopped immediately after that, but it took me a couple months. I weaned down to a few a day and then I cut those cold turkey. But it was hard.
Wait, Europeans get weekly massages for free!!? I want their medical plans....
Yeah, Marn, my dad battled bladder cancer (the smoker's cancer) for about 10 years before it spread to his lungs and then it was all over. It is a hard thing to watch. My MIL died quickly from lung/brain cancer and my FIL had his bladder removed and replaced with a sheep bladder about 17 years ago and just stopped smoking last November. They have a new drug out now that my FIL and my BFF's husband are on - Chantrix. They swear by it. Lots of ugly side effects, though. As I said my heart goes out to them all. I don't know that I could do it if I had to.
Wow... didn't mean to be such a downer! Sorry about that folks!
Wait, Europeans get weekly massages for free!!? I want their medical plans….
That's what she said, Marn. Although I also heard that the husbands get maternity leave with the wives and they get 4-6 weeks vacation every year. Everything is always greener on the other side of the pond! LOL
Note to self: DO NOT start smoking.
I'm with Marn: Europeans get FREE weekly massages? WTF!
If Obama had this in his health plan, we'd be on it like Donkey Kong.
No idea what I'm saying.
Man, it'd be nice to have my hubby have 4-6 weeks maternity....
Hells, wonder if we should suggest that to our congressfolks. My congressman seems pretty open to new ideas. Maybe I'll hit him up on the phone....
I do realize I'd like to get mAssages and not mEssages. *sigh*
And I can't believe Marn went from smoking to talking Socialist talk. LOL! All kinds of boat rocking today.
My grandmother smoked with the oxygen machine going. With the little tube right there in her nose. I really don't know how we didn't go boom. Freaks me out to think about it.
I've been allergic to cigarette smoke my whole life, so I've never been in any danger of starting. My ex's aunt has horrible asthma and breathing issues from years of smoking. She'll take a hit on her breathing machine to muster up the power to have a cigarette.
Ah, the bad habits that seem to be about relaxing... Never understood how smoking can be relazing. Though I resented it when CA pretty much banned anyone from smoking inside anywhere... all those smokers with their smoke breaks...they got to go outside without being hassled about it...to breath clean air!
So ironic! Tell your boss you're going on a fresh air break and he'll raise an eyebrow at you.
Though dependind on where you work, it's hard to find a fresh air area near doors! Because that's where all the smokers gather...to plot their takeover of the world! Bwah ha ha!
You can't smoke hardly anywhere here now. Even in bars, which I'm ecstatic about. Or would be, if I still went to bars. And I like the places where you can't smoke within ten or twenty feet of the front door. I think that's mostly only hospitals, but I wish that rule would catch on.
Never understood how smoking can be relazing.
I can. You're taking SLOW, DEEP breaths. Granted you're filling your lungs with tar, but it's the slow, deep breaths that probably helps.
So we should all take a break to stand outside and do lamaze breathing. Sounds like a plan to me.
The only break I want to do involves lighting a match and dropping it on my desk.
Amen! And sledge hammers to all the old computers!
I can't wait until we get our new hardware and software. This month is going to be the death of me.
Sweet Goddess, I am falling behind in comments.
Melissa, I do love the Wiki. ITA with you on writer's never truly take vacations. In my mind, it's always working on something writing wise. Most of the time I can walk out of my office at night and not put another damn thought into whether my network is going to crash or if I'm actually going to finish all the state shit for the DR on time or if I'm going to walk into the office the next morning and the DR is going to meet me at the door spouting off about some damned plumber next door and we don't have water. But I'm always thinking about my characters and writing. You can't turn off that sort of thing.
Marn, I still can't get over you smoking. I know you were wild, but in my mind I see you as this sweet sweet girl with a lollipop making eyes at the boy next door.
I know better. I truly do. But I just see you that way.
I can kinda see the writing as a relaxation technique. I can't say that when I'm in the zone and pumping out page after page that I'm not relaxed (although, usually if I'm pumping out page after page I'm all wound up because I'm writing torture scenes or blood baths or gun fights or high speed car chases...) but I think all that crap needs to get out of my mind for me to attempt to relax.
Irish, I had no idea you could have a sheep's bladder. It's awful and horrible that he had to do that, but really interesting in a morbid sort of way. (Sorry)
I laughed at the "going outside for a fresh air break", and then I thought, "wait a minute -- why NOT?" LOL It makes perfect sense. If you're allowed to fill your lungs with ONE thing, why not ANOTHER?
And I definitely agree we'd all be healthier with mandatory massages. I always feel about 10 pounds lighter afterwards (maybe it's something in the massage oil -- LOL).
Thanks for the congrats on the contest finaling -- I'm pretty excited (especially after getting a full R on a different manuscript today -- LOL).
Donna - Hate to pry, since you like to stay all mysterious. LOL! But we can't vote if you don't give us a link.
So, where can we find this contest?!
Dang! I think my brain started my nap without me! LOL
Here's the link: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/2010DreamContestVoting
Lots of interesting entries, although I am a wee bit partial to Finalist #5. :)
Chick lit! You got my vote! I hate weddings!!
Well, except of course, for the ones I've been a bridesmaid in...obviously. *coughs*
Ha! Hahahaha. I'm feeling like a sassy ninja assassin in my black dress and knee boots, Hells. I wouldn't chop you down for saying you hate weddings. LOL
You have my vote! I love gun shots during a wedding!
You guys are too funny! LOL Thanks for the votes, too. You made my day. :)
Well, you know, I wouldn't hate them if I hadn't been married so many times....
It's for the houses, darling!
You're like the Zsa Zsa of the Pirate world.
And the wagons.
Donna, that was very good - you got my vote :)
Irish, I had no idea you could have a sheep’s bladder. It’s awful and horrible that he had to do that, but really interesting in a morbid sort of way. (Sorry)
No apologies necessary. I think it's pretty interesting myself.
Thanks, Irish! I appreciate that.
I always feel a foot taller after a good massage. Something about getting all those kinks out of the back and neck. Walk in Quasimodo, walk out Michael Jordan.
Great beginning, Donna! Hope ya win, got me vote!
I finally got a chance to read your entry, Donna. Great job. If the rest of the story is as fun as this opening, I hope to get to read it someday.
You got my vote too!
Thanks Chance, and Bo'sun -- I'm glad to have your votes and your compliments. :)
Donna, you got my vote too. :)
Sin says: "Marn, I still can’t get over you smoking. I know you were wild, but in my mind I see you as this sweet sweet girl with a lollipop making eyes at the boy next door.
I know better. I truly do. But I just see you that way."
I am a sweet sweet girl. Really.
Donna,congrats on the contest finaling.
“That one.” Alexa pointed to a strapless hot pink mini-dress that could have worked–if Hooters ever decided to cater weddings.
That was Hysterical!
I voted for you too.
I read this earlier today. but I didn't post, because I didn't want to write about me. I want to write about something important. You ...
SIN, I'm glad that life was blissfully work stress free and silent. And you might be Pissed, but I'm quite happy that you're kinda losing you ability to hide.
Okay. I'm not happy.
I'm Ecstatic! Because you are embracing change. The type of change you've been looking for and striving for seven years. Thats BIG. Congratulations
Thanks Marnee, and Julie -- it makes me feel great to hear you voted for me, and I'm glad you liked it. :)
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