Wednesday, January 27, 2010
The Quest For Perfect
It’s no secret I’ve felt frazzled these days.
Yesterday, it culminated with my son coming down with some cold that officially made it impossible for him to sleep. Up all night, no real nap = cranky. Add a pregnant mom who’s been up all night and the situation became nuclear.
My solution? Death by pop culture… toddler style. I zoned on the couch with my kid snugged up against me, his nose running all over my unwashed person while we took in a fill of Dora the Explorer, Go Diego Go, and the incredibly annoying Max and Ruby. What is with that show? They’re two kid rabbits living for all intents and purposes by themselves in a house alone. Where are their parents? There are other adult rabbits around. Has no one thought to call child services? And Max seriously needs to be tested because I think he’s on the autism spectrum. He says one word the whole show but solves every problem in Penny a la Inspector Gadget fashion. He’s like Rainman.
This flurry of toddler television is the best I could manage. Most days, I try to do it all. I attempt to be entertaining, at least for most of the day, to this kid who’s the light of my life. He does give me that look now and again. The one that says, “Why does Daddy leave me with you? Does he not know how seriously unhinged you are?” But most of the time, I manage. In the midst of all the parenting, I try to write a couple hours a day, be a good wife/friend/daughter/etc, and keep the dust bunnies at bay.
Pregnancy has not helped. Something about being pregnant reduces your IQ to roughly that of a turnip. Recently, I don’t have quick comebacks to my three year old. That’s just pathetic. When he says stuff like, “You’re bad, mommy, you’ve got to stay in Walmart” (I have no idea what this means, but I think it’s the equivalent of mommy hell) I have no ready response. I fire back with something along the lines of, “Well, oh yeah?” which sounds just as stupid here as it does in real life. I’m only saved by the fact that he doesn’t understand how ridiculous I sound. Now and again my husband catches this witty repartee but he’s smart. He says nothing. He knows I’m a hormonal mess and I’m holding the strings of our life together on a knife edge.
I confess all of this to you not as some sort of therapeutic session. Deep down, I know I’m doing the best I can. Pregnancy saps your brain cells. I think there are studies about this. (Someone? Please let there be studies about this.) I’m tired. I’m big--awkward. I can’t get up and down as easy and it’s only going to get worse the next few months. Logically, I know all of this and acknowledge that I’m managing pretty well on the majority of days and I try to give myself a little slack. No one expects me to always be perfect. Only me.
In the same way, I think we try and balance everything when we write. We try and do it all: titillating dialogue, fabulous conflict, description that puts us right there. Characters so real and POV so close that we feel like we’re them. We try to be fresh; we try to take risks but still stay inside the lines. We try to put it all together and on the first go around even. Like if we don’t get it right that time, the story, our careers, everything about us as a writer will be ruined forever.
I don’t know for sure, but I suspect that’s not true, in the same way that my son will probably not be emotionally scarred forever because of one day lazing on the couch watching bad toddler TV with his mom. Or a few months of his pregnant mommy being less brilliant than she usually is. *cough cough*
But the fear of failure, the quest for perfection, can absolutely destroy our self-esteem. It can wreck our good intentions. And I think maybe, just maybe, we don’t have to be perfect. Maybe we can just be the best we can and that’ll be enough.
If we let it.
Are you a perfectionist? What things cross your mind while writing that stop you in your tracks? Any ready comebacks for a three year old, something more authoritative than, “Because I said so?”
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48 comments:
Well, all the comebacks I come up with no doubt reflect the fact that I have no children. They involve using a squirt bottle and a firm voice. And throwing the child outside to give me time to pick up all the torn up tissues...
*dog solutions
Sorry.
I find the perfection monster distracts me more while editing, or thinking about editing, or taking a break from editing...then when I initially write. Because I'm going over something the second time, and like...twice will make it perfect...right?
Maybe I don't believe that but if I don't believe that then it means a third round of editing and growing more and more tired of my story. Even though I know it's getting better.
I don't like growing tired of my stories.
I've been stopped in my tracks a few times, but usually I just slow to the pace of melting ice cream in an Alaskan winter. Sigh.
I can relate Marn. I'm such a perfectionist. Yet I'm the only one stupid enough to actually expect perfection.
This blog is very timely for me. I'm stuck trying to figure out the perfect hook to end this chapter, the perfect witty dialog to make it come together, so that I can move on.
Uh, hello, I can move on without it being perfect.
Thanks for the reminder. I hope Ford's feeling better soon! I think we all need zone-out-on-the-couch days, even toddlers!
Marn,
I feel for you with the sick kiddo. Especially one that doesn't sleep. Hope your guy feels much better soon.
By the way, in pregnancy, the brain doesn't get its usual ration of fuel, the baby steals it. Goodbye witty repartee and goodbye memory. Luckily, it comes back.
Used to be a perfectionist in some areas, have apparently given it up.
Poor Marnee! But you got a LOL blog out of the experience.
Anne Lamott says, Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor." I sometimes think it's the enemy that will never be conquered, but we have to stay in the battle. Somehow I think your sense of humor will get you through. I hope you both feel better today.
And enjoy Dora and Diego. You may long for them when he reaches the Bakagan/Transformers stage. :)
Wow, Marn, did you take me back about 10 years! My DH decided last week to transfer all of our home videos to the computer. He gets in these nuclear disaster modes where we have to scramble and get everything on the hard disk. LOL
So over the last week or so I've been sort of re-living my past as a parent. All sorts of emotions have been bubbling up for me. Here are some of my observations -
1) I have way more video than I thought I took. Score one for me against my annoying SIL who always shows up at family functions with her kids' professional pix in hand!
2) I realized while I was watching way too many stretches of them just sitting, playing and babbling that I was probably zoinked out on the couch. Where I was through most of their childhood!
3) I actually was coherent enough to think about setting up the video camera and carrying on convos with them when they started talking and saying cute things. It's a great resource for "kid talk" when I'm ready to write that into my ms.
4) I did a pretty decent job most days even if I wouldn't have any memory of that time without the video proof that it happened. I was seriously exhausted for a good 6 years.
5) My kids helped me lessen a whole lot of my perfectionistic tendencies.
6) My daughter could ask more questions than any other human being I know. And I always answered her. Always. And always in a calm, rational, mommy voice when I know I was thinking "when are going to grow up and move out of my house so I can get some peace?"
7) The most important thing... I know I didn't do a picture perfect job but I did a helluva lot better than I thought I did when I was in the trenches. I look at them now at 12 and 14, I like who they've become so far and they are definitely none the worse for the wear from me sleepwalking through most of their childhood.
I'm feeling pretty happy that I liked most of the shows my kiddo watched as a toddler. Bear In The Big Blue House is still my favorite. Barney, I got used to. But I don't miss him in the least.
Since I've only been pregnant once, it did not involve dealing with a toddler on a daily basis. Unless you consider my ex, in which case, I totally relate. (And trust me, he qualifies as a toddler. To this day.)
I'm not a perfectionist, but I'm a "do it right the first time" person. If I do something at work, I do it right the first time. It may not be perfect, and I can live with that. But I'm not going to half-ass anything. This is probably why the first draft idea that it will be ROUGH and you're expected to do it AGAIN and AGAIN and...you get the idea...is hard for me.
Hope your little guy feels better and you surprise yourself with a witty comeback out of no where.
At least it's not Barney. That's gotta be something.
Am I a perfectionist? Does the Pope shit in the woods? *pauses* I mixed that one up, didn't I? Yes. Yes, I am. I'm an all or nothing kind of gal in 99% of the aspects of my life. I either dress for comfort or to dazzle--but not between. (Business casual is neither comfortable nor dazzling.) I either cook heat-and-eat stuff or I cook from scratch. (I mean, what is spaghetti with jarred sauce anything but heat and eat really?) And why do I pretty much stop all my stories around chapter 8 or 16 (depending how many pages in each chapter)? Because that's because it's always around page 150-200 that I realize this story isn't perfect. Isn't remotely perfect. And it can't be saved. It's never as good as it was when I started out writing.
Sorry I'm late today, folks. We slept in, after not sleeping most of the night. le sigh.
:)
Chance - The squirt bottle cracks me up. I remember doing that when we were training a dog. But I also remember it when we were training out cats. Mostly it just kept them off the counters.
As for the perfection monster. It's funny how we're all so different. I hear the perfectionism in the first round much more than during revisions. I'm not sure why. By revisions, at least I have something to work with. But at the first round, I'm thinking, "this story blows." I'm not sure which is better. Neither? LOL!
Hal - I'm glad I could help. I was stuck like that yesterday too, thinking that I needed to add something to my story that was perfect too. I don't know if it was because I was exhausted or because I am really learning better but I just decided to do what I could and see what happened when I reread it a little later. Just keep swimming, right? :)
And lazy on the couch days are nice, aren't they?
Dude, do not apologize for being "late"--get your rest. We'll entertain ourselves until you can drop by. Really!
Amanda - thanks! there's the reassurance I needed! I won't suffer from dull comebacks forever. Hooray! Lucky for me since I'm going to have two boys. I think I'm going to need all the wits I possess.
Giving up perfectionism is not a bad thing. You should be happy to be rid of it. :)
Janga - "Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor." That is a fabulous quote. I sometimes think it's the voice of my father, but that's not quite right is it? LOL!
And I think you're right; I will miss Dora during the Transformer phase. That gave me the shudders.
Irish - I love your observations. :) It is so funny that while you're doing all that stuff, you think it's just insanity and that surely we're ruining them. But then it goes away and we think, huh. Not so bad now. I know it was like that when my kid was a tiny baby. Acid reflux and horrible cholic = horrible crying and unhappy baby. But I've forgotten most of that now. (Repressed?)
Bo'sun - I don't hate Dora, honestly. Or Diego. There are some shows right now that I won't probably ever let him watch. But the ones he does catch now and again here, they aren't sooo bad. Just not high quality TV. LOL!
I know I have a hard time with it not being perfect the first time too. I try to tell myself that if I just get it close, it's not that much to come back to later. I find my first drafts are getting better as I go along, so that's something. But it is hard.
Hells - All or nothing. What a good way to put that. I know I am always tempted at the 60% point to chuck my projects too. I think that's why I stall out there, almost every time. Though instead, I force myself to do a massive revision then. I think chucking it would be easier. LOL!
Cook from scratch or heat and eat? My family would never eat if this were the case!! LOL!!
Or take out. I'll do take out. You can't really duplicate the greasy goodness of a McD's burger or authenticate the taste of Chinese food like China Kitchen does. (Plus I have no patience for actually making homemade dumplings. None. I've tried and I'm awful. Just go buy some; it's cheaper.)
Hellie - I stall out at that point too. I count by words, instead of pages, but it's always at the 55k or 60k mark. And I can't write a word for a month. Or two...or three...
And then one day it just clicks in my head, and I write the last 30k or 40k in a couple weeks.
For someone who is a perfectionist, it's NOT a good process. But for some reason, I can't seem to change it :(
omg I'm the same way about food! Either I heat up a can of baked beans, open a package of salad, and call it "dinner" or I do some big two-hour production with everything made from scratch.
Go put your feet up and lay down with the kiddo!
While I don't admit to most things, I am a perfectionist. It is probably the single most reason why I've not finished a manuscript up to this point.
Making homemade crab rangoon is harder than hell. Of course, I can't have Chinese in house. It either has to be plain and me pray it hasn't touched any sauces or make it at home and there is something about making it at home that makes it just not taste the same. Not that I get crazy with it. I'm sure plain rice and sweet and sour chicken (holding the sauce) is really not Chinese food. LOL
You definitely can't replicate take out. We have a Chinese restaurant down the street, King Wong, that makes some of the best I've ever had. Garlic Shrimp... YUM. And I love some crab rangoon. Though I wouldn't even attempt it.
Hal and I are the same like that; stall at 55K-60K, stop, feel unproductive for a long time (weeks, even months) and then finish in a few weeks. If there was only a way to avoid that stall out. I wonder what that is, anyway?
Sin - You don't like the sauces? How comes? I love me some Chinese food sauce. THey're probably all incredibly horrible for me, but boy are they tasty....
Perfectionism.... Ugh. We all need to get over this. It's keeping us from being fabulous, I just know it.
Now that I'm thinking of Chinese food, anyone have a PF Changgs around them? We have one down the street and they have some yummy fresh stuff..... My DH loves their Szechuan from the Sea....
I am a recovering perfectionist. I try to remind myself of a quote I heard years ago: "Strive for excellence, not perfection. Perfection is not attainable, but excellence is."
And I'm not a mommy, but I can understand the mommy brain, because it also manifests itself during menopause (aka "mental pause"). It's so frustrating to not feel as smart as I used to be! LOL
Oh, and thanks for putting up the pic of "Mr. Perfect". No wonder I can't find him -- I thought he looked like one of the hotties instead!
If you don't put the sauce on, is it still considered sweet & sour chicken? And thank you, Sin, for making me feel better about my food hangups.
I'm now wondering about this 60% mark. I've never gotten there to see what happens. LOL! I'm at the 25% mark and wrote 8 pages last night so if this momentum keeps up (it will it will it will) then I'll let y'all know what happens in a month of so.
I don't know if I like it or not. I'm seriously allergic to Chinese sauces since most have MSG in them, not to mention sulfates. And since MSG causes my whole face to go numb and hives and sulfates cause me respiratory difficulty, hives, severe swelling and suffocation I just tend to stay away from it. lol
Donna - Are you telling me my lack of brain cells is going to get WORSE? Sweet leopard toes, this isn't good.
See, I should have waited for that comment. I admit, my hangups are just hangups. No swelling or hives I have to avoid. Just mental. :)
Bo'sun -- it's not really a LACK of brain cells. It's more like they've gone on a pleasure cruise, and left you behind. LOL
Everyone says it's temporary -- I'm just afraid I won't be able to recognize "normal" when it returns. LOL
Bo'sun you are just strange when it comes to food. That's all there is to it.
And I even have to use the expensive shampoo because chain stores only carry shampoo with sulfates in them. You just learn how to always look at labels and always buy the same things. And if something you buy has changed their formula or has a new look, I always have to double check that they haven't added anything I can't have. It's a PIMA.
Donna - As of right now, my brain cells have been on this pleasure cruise for a decade. Not a whole lot of faith they remember where they live.
Sin - Yep, I'm strange. But I'm better than I used to be, which is probably hard to believe.
That does sound like a PITA. I've been trying to read labels for sodium levels lately and you can't find a damn thing that doesn't have enough salt to sink a ship. No wonder we're all so unhealthy!
Donna - Fabulous quote! Excellence, not perfection! I love that. :)
And wait... the not feeling so smart comes back?! THis whole being a girl thing totally isn't fair some days....
Sin - Hives? Swelling? I wouldn't eat the stuff either if I had to deal with that. It would just be easier to avoid. Though I do think that PF Changgs doesn't use that stuff. Have you been?
Bo'sun - Maybe you'll miss out on the 2/3 of the way stall out. Hal and I are both trying to avoid it this time. We'll see how it goes.
Sin - That does sound like a PITA. They put that stuff in shampoo? How weird.
Though I guess I shouldn't be surprised by what they in stuff. My sister was just telling me about how they put aluminum in deodorant, even though they're finding new links between aluminum and alzheimers. So deodorant might be messing with our brains too. Who knew?
I was just telling my doctor yesterday, "Except for the 'not dying' part, I'm having a hard time figuring out what's great about aging!" LOL
Makes me wonder why I was in such a hurry to get older when I was a kid!
No, but my Aunt was telling me about it the other day and since I'm going to be out in Phoenix next month, we may end up going there and having lunch. We'll see. I'm leery of trying anything like that because I don't want to have to get the Epi out or have a hospital trip.
Donna - I remember being excited about getting older too. What were we thinking? LOL!
Sin - I could completely understand being wary. Hospitals aren't fun. :)
I have it from good resources that the menapause brain does reboot...hang in there, Donna. I'm trying to enjoy the odd effects of estrogen shortages...
It's just the ultimate excuse for most any behavior!
Albino kraken...alien libraries...bwah ha ha-ing important editors...
Marn - Keep the squirt bottle handy, might work with the munchkin at a later stage!
Currently, the only water squirt bottle we have in the house is acting as "monster spray." My kid's suddenly afraid of the dark, so we spray his room (closet, under the bed) with "monster spray" every night before bed.
Amazing, but it's worked.
I wonder how many other uses I'll find for a squirt bottle as the years go by....
Oh Marnee, I'm sorry that this is so long...
Once upon a time I dumped a perfectly good boyfriend because he called me “perfect”. My thinking at the time was: Obviously he knew nothing about me. Perhaps he was too enamored with my outer shell to bother getting to know the real me? Or maybe he was just trying to BS me with his pretty words (he was an English major after all ). Was he just clueless? Shallow? Full of shit. Or all of the above. It didn’t matter. The Man definitely had to gooo … because I refused to be held to standards that were impossible to achieve.
Perfection does not exist.
It never will.
But then you knew that already, didn’t you?
And yet … you struggle … you question … you obsesses … you … you … Anybody start humming Toby Keith here? http://www.cmt.com/videos/toby-keith/26546/i-wanna-talk-about-me.jhtml
Where was I … oh yes I was talking about me talking about you … You are normal. That’s right it is normal for creative people to struggle and obsess and question while they seek perfection in their work. It is normal. So quit worrying about it. Then … stop doing it. Just. Stop. Seeking Perfection. You won’t find it. Nobody can Because it doesn’t exist.
But then you knew that already, didn’t you?
And yet … you struggle … you can’t just say no to perfection. Lets fact it. If just saying no were easy then there wouldn’t be teen pregnancies or drug abuse or my DD wouldn’t be driving my car to school. No is hard. There is no doubt about that. So, if you can’t say no, then I have a suggestion for you. Learn to be a Titan. A titan as in the great Titian.
Back in the days when I was being told by boys that I was perfect, there was a man who told me just the opposite. On the first day of painting class he stood in front of the room and he told us the story of Tiziano Vercelli . Tiziano, aka Titian, had a problem. He was never satisfied with his paintings. So much so that even years after completing a picture he would show up upon a patron's doorstep. Paints and brushes in hand, the artist would demand access to his painting so that he could fix its flaws.
Brenda Harness, Art Historian , wrote this about Titian:
An enormous talent, the artist Titian influenced subsequent generations of artists with his innovative painting techniques. Right up to the time of his death, the artistic talents of the artist Titian remained undiminished
from: http://cgfa.acropolisinc.com/titian/titian_bio.htm His work, which permanently affected the course of European painting, provided an alternative, of equal power and attractiveness, to the linear and sculptural Florentine tradition championed by Michelangelo and Raphael; this alternative, eagerly taken up by Peter Paul Rubens, Diego Velázquez, Rembrandt, Eugène Delacroix, and the impressionists, is still vital today. In its own right, moreover, Titian's work often attains the very highest reach of human achievement in the visual arts.
From: http://www.huntfor.com/absoluteig/titian.htm
Tiziano Vecellio was the leader of the 16th-century Venetian school of the Italian Renaissance. He was recognized early in his own lifetime as a supremely great painter … Recognized by his contemporaries as "the sun amidst small stars" (recalling the famous final line of Dante's Paradiso),
My point is everyone struggles with perfection. Even Tiziano Vercelli, one of the greatest artest of all time, struggled with his obsession with perfection. He struggled with it, but he did not let it prevent him from producing his art. IMO the difference between the student and the Master is this: the master embraces his shortcomings, while the student fights them.
If the problem with your output of writing/art is your need for perfectionism, then I’d like to suggest this mantra to you “The quest for Perfection is my companion, it is not My Master.”
"Monster Spray!" I wonder if I can incorporate that into my kraken story?
Marnee, it's our plight as Virgos to be perfectionists. ;) But, yeah, I have the perfectionist and self-critical thing, too. Seriously, the book I'm writing now is causing all sorts of problems, and it just doesn't feel good enough to me. But, that's also how I felt with AYW, so I guess if I hate the book, it all ends out well. LOL.
But when your kid gets older, he's going to remember that when he was sick, you were up and taking care of him. So you're doing everything perfectly right.
And Jenny Crusie had a blog about parenting---I'm sure Terri or Hellion know which one I'm talking about---and it was soooo good.
And to SIN, I hate that you hit me with that Sometimes being a bla-bla-bla stuff.
Chance - That really is perfect for your story, isn't it? LOL!
Julie - You may not be perfect, but you are a goddess. :)
Here's the Crusie blog Ely is talking about. Freaking hysterical.
http://tinyurl.com/ydznbeh
Julie - I love your long posts, love. They never cease to make me think and they always leave me inspired. And I'm not the only one, I'm certain.
I am going to put “The quest for Perfection is my companion, it is not My Master" on my wall as inspiration. I think that completely encapsulates what I'm trying to accomplish. I want to keep getting better. I'm not trying to be blase about anything in my life. But when I let it get out of hand, it can paralyze me or leave me feeling like I come up short. Your companion idea suits my goals (dare I say) perfectly.
Elyssa - Ah, that little bit from the Virgo portfolio. I stumble over that all the time. Though I'm sure that your current manuscript is progressiving with awesomeness. :)
And I do hope my little guy remembers I got up with him every time. But I forget most of what happened to me before 5. So I'm probably out of luck. Not that it matters when he calls for me in that little pathetic voice. I couldn't resist that if I tried.
I wondered if that was the Crusie blog she meant. I *LOVED* that blog! *LOL*
Though I do vote about using the spray bottle like you would for a cat. I mean, they're not that much different from cats. Hell, they like making the noises like cats. I know. When I was four, I went around going, "Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow..." You know. Like the song. Over and over. I'm not certain how I wasn't stabbed by my sister. I think my mother threw herself in front of me or something. Which shows how weird mothers are because I know she wanted to shoot me too.
OMG, that Jenny Cruisie post cracked me up. LMAO!!
I know why your mom didn't let her stab you. After all we go through to birth, feed, cloth, clean etc, their little persons, we've just invested too much in them. LOL!
I know why your mom didn’t let her stab you. After all we go through to birth, feed, cloth, clean etc, their little persons, we’ve just invested too much in them. LOL!
Ohhhh. Is this why it's so painful to cut "unnecessary" parts from manuscripts, you think? So much invested in them? I mean, we went to all the trouble to type up the routine of sexy hero going to bed--why wouldn't everyone be dying to know which direction he brushes his teeth?
Parents of anything cannot be remotely objective.
I think that's exactly it. Because I know I'm not the only one who, after cutting out a scene/description/phrase, puts it in another file to keep "just in case" I can use it later. I can't let some of that stuff go. :)
That was the blog I'm referring to! So funny and so true.
I liked the: "You're grounded."
"Aunt Jenny?"
"You're dead to me, kid."
LOL!
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