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Sunday, December 27, 2009
Death by Chocolate - with commentary
OK, me turn ta pay tribute ta a great blogger, a great ninja and a very…ah…wordy writer. Sin, I’m gonna add commentary. But I’m doin’ it wit’ love!
I adore this blog. Especially right now, at the holiday seasons. Fer one thing, I feel like I may be committin’ suicide by chocolate. Granted, I been really good fer months and so once that floodgate were open, well…it be hard ta stop. But the second thing? How many people did ya fantasize ‘bout killin’ these last few weeks? Have ya lost count?
In honor a’ bein’ in the mood ta kill… I present…. Death by Chocolate.
In my defense today- I ain’t right. Seriously.
The death of villains is a necessary evil in fiction. (Or the guy who stole your parking place, the co-workers who interrupted you twelve times on the day before Christmas, or the students who handed everything late… Shall I go on?)This is old news for regulars of the blog, but I’m the resident character killer. I don’t reserve killing just for the villains. When I feel like I need a change, I axe a character. (I stage an alien abduction. Different strokes for different writers!) Anyway that I can find and a few inventive ways depends how I’m feeling at the moment and where my characters are in their growth arc. My general policy is while I’m writing, "whatever works".
My thought process behind killing characters is simple. If the story is stalling, you need sex or a murder. (And no one wants to actually have sex with that parking place thief. I hope.)You can’t always manage sex (or want it) (well, okay, I can always manage some sex but if you have sex every 5 pages, my paranormal suspense is going to have a lot of purple prose in it after the first 10 sex scenes and I can only think of a few different ways to describe splinters in your back from the door), but you can always manage a murder or two without killing the story as a whole. There is a little perverted part of my brain that extracts a little joy each time a character dies knowing that it’s going to going into the trickle effect of emotional drama. I can’t figure out why. (Not enough hugs growing up.)
Not that I put a lot of thought into why. Because I’m sure if I did, I would find something extremely wrong with that. Fictional or not. See the beginning of the blog- I ain’t right. It’s why I’m a writer.
Even before Hellion gifted me with the most wonderful of books, "Cause of Death- A writer’s guide to death, murder and forensic medicine." (by Keith D. Wilson, M.D.), I was thinking up ways a character could die. I have quite a few favorites in my repertoire. Once I killed an informant by throwing him into a shark tank. (A James Bond villain did this.) I rather enjoyed that one. Drowning. Suffocating. Bleeding out slowly. Mallet to the temple. Pit bulls. (Hey! That’s not fair to the dogs.) Car explosions. But really in the comments the other day, I got to thinking about all the weird things you could do with killing off a character. All the accidental, quirky, random deaths that happen in the fictional world. I think my favorite part about the fictional world is that I may not know every gruesome detail that goes into writing a death, but I can use my imagination enough to get close. So close that if I put enough detail into it, you can look past my little indiscretions. (Work in some aliens and a whole new avenue opens regarding ways to kill…)
So, death by chocolate frosting? A total possibility if you get a little kinky in the sack and someone accidentally chokes (or maybe not so accidentally). (Saw that in a CSI, with a baby octopus… Really!) Crushed glass pieces in his mashed potatoes? Could happen. I mean, those damned neighbor kids are always bouncing their basketball into your kitchen window and breaking it- you can’t help that some of it landed in your bowl as you were mashing them. Loose board on the top step leading into the basement? I swear, I’ve been bitching at him for two months to fix it.
It’s so unfortunate that vehicles have gotten so technically smart. Siphoning out the brake fluid would’ve been a wonderful option as well. Can’t cut the brake line either. Or loosen the lug nuts. It’s a shame. Really. Taking a gun and killing a villain is so uninspired. Watching his car drive off a cliff could make my character’s night.
Let’s think about it.
Well, you don’t have to think about it. I’ll think about it for you.
Say your character needs a method to get rid of someone, maybe of the opposite sex. If you want it to look accidental, well you gotta think of something very creative. I’ll use Kiki as my example of a villainous heroine. (She’s a professional problem solver. Not a professional killer. I assure you, there is a difference.) (Sorta like The Equalizer? But willing to kill? Anyone remember that show? Edward Woodward was so cool.)
Kiki is only an example. She’s the closest thing in my character list that I can use without pulling her too far from her characterization.
Kiki has a target that needs professional quieting but it needs to look like an accident. (Oh, I like that. Quieting! Sin, you kill me!) She can think about it. Make her plans, watch her mark, learn his routine. She can walk up to him at happy hour at his usual spot, short black dress barely covering her ass as she leans over the bar and asks for a vodka on the rocks. She can look at him playfully over her shoulder and flash him her devastatingly fake smile like she’s really interested and turn him onto her. He could be charmed easily by her easy demeanor, the way she playfully chews her bottom lip and fiddles with his silk tie. She could score a night with him by just whispering in his ear. Once they got back to his house, she could make it look like he had a drug overdose. Wouldn’t be hard. He has a possession charge from three years prior that was swept under the rug since daddy is in politics. She watched him acquire two eight balls and a sack of pills at lunch. Kiki would be willing to do some lines in order to get the job done.
But that would be too easy for my Kiki. She’s sneaky like a ninja. All business. No fun. She doesn’t really like to get dressed up and wear a wig out into public. She complains that wigs are itchy and cramp her style. Sadie is more mischievous. In a few years, she would be ripe for this sort of job. Even enjoy it.
Kiki would wait in her car outside the bar, follow him to his house, wait until he goes to sleep and break into his house. Easy to do when you can disable an alarm with a gadget. Easy to do when you can pick a lock like you’re magic. Easy to do when there is no guard animal to sound a wake up call. Easy to do when your target has no neighbors close by and a house shaded almost completely in trees. I can almost hear Kiki tsking.
In fact, Kiki thinks to herself, "It’s truly a pity he hasn’t taken the time to make sure the batteries in his carbon monoxide detectors are good. Even more a pity when this scum sucker doesn’t wake up in the morning." And once the plan is set, get out and go about business as usual.
Clean. Efficient. Quiet.
Kiki will be sitting at her breakfast bar with a cup of coffee and reading the paper while the guy’s alarm is blaring. By the time his office calls, she’s already in the shower getting ready for her routine day. When his secretary drops by and finds him non-responsive, Kiki’s driving across town to her office building. Just a few minutes inside the house has the secretary feeling nauseous. She calls 911 but it was too late before she even walked through the door. The ambulance speeds past Kiki’s car on it’s way to the emergency. And Kiki graciously pulls over to let them past and continues on her way like nothing happened.
You might think this is difficult to think up but think about this from a writer’s standpoint. Is there anything your hero or heroine might be allergic to? Did you know that certain wines to people with severe sulfate allergies can kill in just a few minutes without interference of an EpiPen? (Truly one of my biggest fears. And that is not for future reference, MM. (Moi? Sounds like a quality wine and since I don’t have the budget fer quality wine…yer safe, Sinster.) I’ve got my eyes on you, you sneaky pirate.) Fears? You know, if your heroine is claustrophobic and gets trapped in an elevator with no one there to buffer her panic, she could send herself into a monstrous panic attack and have cardiac arrest. Someone who is afraid of the water and can’t swim could accidentally be flipped into the water while you’re speeding around on the boat. Accidental deaths are waiting just around the corner everywhere for your expendable characters. You just have to tap into them in the fictional world. (I saw this done on Criminal Minds, btw.)
I know most of you are in the business of writing (or reading!) the HEA or HFN (I prefer HFN) but what is the most unusual murder scene you’ve read? Saw on one of those crime shows? Imagined up to write in your WIP? And pretty pretty please can someone gift me the wonderful "Armed and Dangerous" book for my birthday? Or Christmas? I’ve been a good girl all year. I swear- cross my heart. (I have my doubts…but even the naughty deserve presents.)
No takers? C’mon, it’s not like I’m going to practice on you. (I’m startin’ a ‘What Santa Missed Fer Sin’ fund…)
Dang, I guess I could hit up Santa for the book. It’s never too early for a Christmas list...
I adore this blog. Especially right now, at the holiday seasons. Fer one thing, I feel like I may be committin’ suicide by chocolate. Granted, I been really good fer months and so once that floodgate were open, well…it be hard ta stop. But the second thing? How many people did ya fantasize ‘bout killin’ these last few weeks? Have ya lost count?
In honor a’ bein’ in the mood ta kill… I present…. Death by Chocolate.
In my defense today- I ain’t right. Seriously.
The death of villains is a necessary evil in fiction. (Or the guy who stole your parking place, the co-workers who interrupted you twelve times on the day before Christmas, or the students who handed everything late… Shall I go on?)This is old news for regulars of the blog, but I’m the resident character killer. I don’t reserve killing just for the villains. When I feel like I need a change, I axe a character. (I stage an alien abduction. Different strokes for different writers!) Anyway that I can find and a few inventive ways depends how I’m feeling at the moment and where my characters are in their growth arc. My general policy is while I’m writing, "whatever works".
My thought process behind killing characters is simple. If the story is stalling, you need sex or a murder. (And no one wants to actually have sex with that parking place thief. I hope.)You can’t always manage sex (or want it) (well, okay, I can always manage some sex but if you have sex every 5 pages, my paranormal suspense is going to have a lot of purple prose in it after the first 10 sex scenes and I can only think of a few different ways to describe splinters in your back from the door), but you can always manage a murder or two without killing the story as a whole. There is a little perverted part of my brain that extracts a little joy each time a character dies knowing that it’s going to going into the trickle effect of emotional drama. I can’t figure out why. (Not enough hugs growing up.)
Not that I put a lot of thought into why. Because I’m sure if I did, I would find something extremely wrong with that. Fictional or not. See the beginning of the blog- I ain’t right. It’s why I’m a writer.
Even before Hellion gifted me with the most wonderful of books, "Cause of Death- A writer’s guide to death, murder and forensic medicine." (by Keith D. Wilson, M.D.), I was thinking up ways a character could die. I have quite a few favorites in my repertoire. Once I killed an informant by throwing him into a shark tank. (A James Bond villain did this.) I rather enjoyed that one. Drowning. Suffocating. Bleeding out slowly. Mallet to the temple. Pit bulls. (Hey! That’s not fair to the dogs.) Car explosions. But really in the comments the other day, I got to thinking about all the weird things you could do with killing off a character. All the accidental, quirky, random deaths that happen in the fictional world. I think my favorite part about the fictional world is that I may not know every gruesome detail that goes into writing a death, but I can use my imagination enough to get close. So close that if I put enough detail into it, you can look past my little indiscretions. (Work in some aliens and a whole new avenue opens regarding ways to kill…)
So, death by chocolate frosting? A total possibility if you get a little kinky in the sack and someone accidentally chokes (or maybe not so accidentally). (Saw that in a CSI, with a baby octopus… Really!) Crushed glass pieces in his mashed potatoes? Could happen. I mean, those damned neighbor kids are always bouncing their basketball into your kitchen window and breaking it- you can’t help that some of it landed in your bowl as you were mashing them. Loose board on the top step leading into the basement? I swear, I’ve been bitching at him for two months to fix it.
It’s so unfortunate that vehicles have gotten so technically smart. Siphoning out the brake fluid would’ve been a wonderful option as well. Can’t cut the brake line either. Or loosen the lug nuts. It’s a shame. Really. Taking a gun and killing a villain is so uninspired. Watching his car drive off a cliff could make my character’s night.
Let’s think about it.
Well, you don’t have to think about it. I’ll think about it for you.
Say your character needs a method to get rid of someone, maybe of the opposite sex. If you want it to look accidental, well you gotta think of something very creative. I’ll use Kiki as my example of a villainous heroine. (She’s a professional problem solver. Not a professional killer. I assure you, there is a difference.) (Sorta like The Equalizer? But willing to kill? Anyone remember that show? Edward Woodward was so cool.)
Kiki is only an example. She’s the closest thing in my character list that I can use without pulling her too far from her characterization.
Kiki has a target that needs professional quieting but it needs to look like an accident. (Oh, I like that. Quieting! Sin, you kill me!) She can think about it. Make her plans, watch her mark, learn his routine. She can walk up to him at happy hour at his usual spot, short black dress barely covering her ass as she leans over the bar and asks for a vodka on the rocks. She can look at him playfully over her shoulder and flash him her devastatingly fake smile like she’s really interested and turn him onto her. He could be charmed easily by her easy demeanor, the way she playfully chews her bottom lip and fiddles with his silk tie. She could score a night with him by just whispering in his ear. Once they got back to his house, she could make it look like he had a drug overdose. Wouldn’t be hard. He has a possession charge from three years prior that was swept under the rug since daddy is in politics. She watched him acquire two eight balls and a sack of pills at lunch. Kiki would be willing to do some lines in order to get the job done.
But that would be too easy for my Kiki. She’s sneaky like a ninja. All business. No fun. She doesn’t really like to get dressed up and wear a wig out into public. She complains that wigs are itchy and cramp her style. Sadie is more mischievous. In a few years, she would be ripe for this sort of job. Even enjoy it.
Kiki would wait in her car outside the bar, follow him to his house, wait until he goes to sleep and break into his house. Easy to do when you can disable an alarm with a gadget. Easy to do when you can pick a lock like you’re magic. Easy to do when there is no guard animal to sound a wake up call. Easy to do when your target has no neighbors close by and a house shaded almost completely in trees. I can almost hear Kiki tsking.
In fact, Kiki thinks to herself, "It’s truly a pity he hasn’t taken the time to make sure the batteries in his carbon monoxide detectors are good. Even more a pity when this scum sucker doesn’t wake up in the morning." And once the plan is set, get out and go about business as usual.
Clean. Efficient. Quiet.
Kiki will be sitting at her breakfast bar with a cup of coffee and reading the paper while the guy’s alarm is blaring. By the time his office calls, she’s already in the shower getting ready for her routine day. When his secretary drops by and finds him non-responsive, Kiki’s driving across town to her office building. Just a few minutes inside the house has the secretary feeling nauseous. She calls 911 but it was too late before she even walked through the door. The ambulance speeds past Kiki’s car on it’s way to the emergency. And Kiki graciously pulls over to let them past and continues on her way like nothing happened.
You might think this is difficult to think up but think about this from a writer’s standpoint. Is there anything your hero or heroine might be allergic to? Did you know that certain wines to people with severe sulfate allergies can kill in just a few minutes without interference of an EpiPen? (Truly one of my biggest fears. And that is not for future reference, MM. (Moi? Sounds like a quality wine and since I don’t have the budget fer quality wine…yer safe, Sinster.) I’ve got my eyes on you, you sneaky pirate.) Fears? You know, if your heroine is claustrophobic and gets trapped in an elevator with no one there to buffer her panic, she could send herself into a monstrous panic attack and have cardiac arrest. Someone who is afraid of the water and can’t swim could accidentally be flipped into the water while you’re speeding around on the boat. Accidental deaths are waiting just around the corner everywhere for your expendable characters. You just have to tap into them in the fictional world. (I saw this done on Criminal Minds, btw.)
I know most of you are in the business of writing (or reading!) the HEA or HFN (I prefer HFN) but what is the most unusual murder scene you’ve read? Saw on one of those crime shows? Imagined up to write in your WIP? And pretty pretty please can someone gift me the wonderful "Armed and Dangerous" book for my birthday? Or Christmas? I’ve been a good girl all year. I swear- cross my heart. (I have my doubts…but even the naughty deserve presents.)
No takers? C’mon, it’s not like I’m going to practice on you. (I’m startin’ a ‘What Santa Missed Fer Sin’ fund…)
Dang, I guess I could hit up Santa for the book. It’s never too early for a Christmas list...
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64 comments:
I particularly like Michael Palmer's medical suspense novels where ingenious medical mal-practise leads to murder. For example in 'Second Opinion' a hospital is generating income by convincing rich patients that they have pancreatic cancers when in fact there is nothing wrong.
A few are killed off for the sake of statistics, but the richest are given a miracle cure using a supposed special new drug under development. These patients are so grateful to be 'cured' that they provide generous donations to the hospital.
For my own literary efforts I would like to write a Christmas murder story but I am simply incapable of deliberately hurting anyone. Fortunately I have an idea for the most dastardly, undetectable Christmas murder. All based on a scientific approach and involving only pleasure. It is actually a pleasure to die:
After the villain seduces the lady and has his wicked way, he removes the evidence by giving her pleasure inducing hyper-palatable chocolates.
Let me explain for the uninitiated:
According to recent research, certain combinations of fat, sugar
and salt are so tasty that many people can't resist eating them, even when full.
These mixes have been called 'hyper-palatable' and are designed to trigger a greater number of specific firing neurons, thus activating the bliss point.
So the more you eat, the stronger the neuronal message to keep on eating becomes, creating a positive feedback loop for firing more and more of the pleasure creating neurons. If the chocolate box is large enough, the victim literally eats herself/himself into oblivion and the brain self destructs.
Its death by chocolate!
Neat eh! 8)
This was a great blog the first time, but I really love the VH-1 commentary the 2nd time around. It just adds a little something. *LOL*
I can't think of the most unusual murder I've read off hand. I can think of the most grisly scene I remember--I actually dreamed about it, it freaked me out--from Laurell K. Hamilton's book Obsidian Butterfly. The people were skinned, but "alive". NASTY.
Hey, I liked writing this blog. And I was semi-good this year. I attempted to put my bad girl ways behind me and move forward. Now, did I accomplish that *shrug* but I attempted it.
Besides, in my defense, Santa baby, I even bought a shirt to wear that said, "Dear Santa... I was FRAMED."
Truly. If I got caught, it was only because someone framed me.
Now, I loved loved loved Obsidian Butterfly. LKH's brain is so inventive. I forgive her for all the sex books when I could've had more plot only because she thinks up these wonderfully weird nasty dementive things in her AB books.
I sometimes have wicked dreams about the Omega in JR Ward's books. He's pretty sick. And of course, we know I dream about Al and his wicked ways, but those are all good dreams *wink*
I think I need to watch more crime shows.
I don't mind LKH's sex books. I mind her fairy books because I don't get into fairy culture and lore, but the sex...the sex I like. Oh, and the gruesome plots too. If you must.
This is like Pop-Up Videos only Pop-Up Blog. LOL!
Leave it to Q to find a way to really commit death by chocolate. But I've found several other foods I can't seem to stop eating even after I'm full. *sigh*
The death at the beginning of The Lovely Bones was quite disturbing. I'm glad I read the book, but I'm not sure I could watch the movie.
I watch enough Castle and Bones you'd think I could come up with some interesting methods of quieting, but I can't remember any details. There was the Castle where the killer stuffed the woman in her own safe, then cut off her finger to get the ring that was on it. Lets just say, the safe was not that big. Yeesh.
I don't mind the sex either. I would just like a little more death and mayhem with my sex.
Also, I would have sex with the parking space thief. Depends how hot he is, and how aggravated I get with said thief.
It would be better to agree to have sex with the parking space thief, get him all hot and bothered, then leave him hanging. Just sayin'...
I missed this blog the first time around - very cool. Thanks for picking this one, Chance! And yes, the commentary is like pop-ups.
I especially liked the "easy to do.." items of Kiki carrying out the deed...and yes, I do think they would be difficult to think up and it's creepy that she pities the guy for making it so easy. I can almost hear Kiki tsking.
I thought one of the most interesting crime show murders lately was on CSI:NY where a dead body from 80 years or so ago was found in a penthouse that had been locked up for just as long. But there had been a 911 call from inside the penthouse that obviously wasn't from the 80 year old murder. The penthouse was full of booby traps and false walls that someone new had stumbled upon. The team had to figure out the traps and when they found the guy dead, you thought that was the end of it, but they realize he hadn't been alone. They race to save this girl they realize is still alive but drowning in a secret room.
Usually I don't let my son watch these shows (forget about it for Criminal Minds), but he was really into this one. The suspense was killing him and I think I had more fun watching him!
Ah, Q! I think I may be one a' those with a hyperpalatable palate! Most everythin' makes me want ta keep eatin'!
But, what a way ta die!
I remember a medical series...Robin Cook, I think! Always had some bizarre medical malfeasance twisted plot. Seems ta me I 'member people in alert comas bein' used fer organ transplants...
*shiver
Hellie - I remember the comments 'bout livin' skinned people. Gruesome! I do wonder 'bout her nightmares...
And I don't 'member if I read "Obsidean Butterfly" ... I got ta where I couldn't read her stuff. I just need more story! Even if the sex is great... Wow. I sound so mature...
Sin - So glad ya didn't object ta me 'pop-up' comments. I figure if we were talkin', this would be me...interruptin'!
You were framed... Sure. Ya know it's more 'bout claimin' the skills, braggin' rights, etc...
Bo'sun - I've noticed some pretty imaginative ways ta kill in Bones. But most definately the CSI series, Criminal Minds...they gots some seriously twisted writers!
I watch a lot of the true crime novels on Discovery and real criminals aren't nearly so imaginative...at least not the ones that get caught!
As fer the parkin' lot thief...might depend on what he's drivin' and what he looks like. Or if its a 'he' ta begin wit'.
Now, this holiday season, I have contemplated killin' lots a' people. Mostly, the extra crowds at me local Starbucks that left me wit' nowhere ta sit as they held family reunions where I NEED TO WRITE!!! Or at least surf the web.
Not ta mention the folks in line who don't know what they are orderin' and have ta ask the baristas about EVERY BLOODY ITEM ON THE MENU!!!
I get cranky when I gots ta wait fer me mornin' caffeine fix. Even if it is decaffeinated.
Melissa - I saw that episode! It weren't too bad, far as gruesome were concerned. And it were an intellectual mystery... I'd keep the kiddies from Criminal Minds.
And I don't get any a' the pay channels, but I understand Dexter provides some real gruesome murders...
The most interestin' murder I ever saw was in a Vincent Price "B" movie... Dr. Phibes killed someone by drillin' a hole in the ceilin' above their bed. Then drizzled pured brussel sprout slime all over their face while they slep. And dropped locusts on them... Yup, they were eaten by locusts!
Phibes killed lots a' people in those movies and did it wit' pure elan!
See, I hear that all the time about LKH's books "I need more story"--and yet I don't get where there is no story. You always hear Sex complicates things and causes more drama--and that it certainly does. And I don't remember a book (other than the Micah book which I didn't finish) that didn't have some sort of mystery to solve, so there was techically a story, even if the sex conflict drama trumped it. But I'm Amish--and maybe I have a better understanding where sex can be a conflict and storyline than people who are actually well-adjusted about sex.
Dr. Phibes killed someone by drillin’ a hole in the ceilin’ above their bed. Then drizzled pured brussel sprout slime all over their face while they slep. And dropped locusts on them… Yup, they were eaten by locusts!
That IS clever. Only it reminds me of The Parent Trap where they pour honey all over the "step-mother's" feet and the bear cubs come and lick the honey off. She wakes up and screams and then demands to be taken home.
The problem is--I'm a heavy sleeper and a marathon sleeper--but if SLIME was drizzle on my face during the night--or honey was drizzled on my feet, I'd wake for it. That is, if you could get my face out from under the covers. I sleep with my face buried.
I read that Dr. Phibes bit while eating my lunch. That last bite of meatball sub was not so good. Ick.
Slowly eaten by anything must be one of the worst ways to go. Can't and don't want to imagine it.
And Chance is right about the real life stuff not being this imaginative. There's a show called Snapped which is all about when people snap and kill someone. It's almost always someone they know and they are horrible at covering their tracks.
I do like sex, Hellie. And I get that sex complicates things in the Hamilton books...but there has to be more than the sex complication. Especially how it all started wit' Anita as more of an investigator. I get that she came inta her alpha status...though I thought she were alpha before all the weres came inta the picture. And her bed.
She writes great sex.
I think Phibes drugged the woman he slimed... So, she wouldn't a' been aware at all. Another way he killed someone? A high powered AC unit in a car, in the desert...that blew sand so hard and fast that it acted like a sand blaster on the driver.
Yup.
He also launched a gold unicorn across a London street and impaled a protected witness... On the horn...
Great movie. Saw it wit' me dad at a drive-in and we both chuckled and groaned through the whole movie! A great Dad memory...
Sorry 'bout the lunch, Bo'sun...
Real life crime is really unimaginative... From what I seen, those who do get away wit' stuff keep it simple. Kill strangers, bury deep, lay low.
Cement shoes.
Y'all are making great choices on your revisited blogs. :)
Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. There's the case of the Georgia woman who was twice convicted of killing men with antifreeze in their food. Both men went to the hospital with flu-like symptoms, were diagnosed with dehydration, given IVs, and released, and died the next day. Conclusion: heart failure--until a GBI medical examiner found calcium oxalate crystals in kidney tissue of man #2. Someone suggested she could have put the antifreeze in something like jello. I can see the title The Jello Murders.
Even stranger was this bit I discovered researching one day:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr.Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note. As he fell past the ninth floor, he was killed instantly by a shotgun blast passing through a window. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'
When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the death of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. The old lady had cut off her son's financial support, and the son, knowing his father's habit of using the shotgun to threaten, loaded the gun expecting that his father would shoot his mother. The loader of the gun was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist... Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
I'm pretty sure I read that before and it's still the funniest damn thing ever. Man, sometimes you CANNOT avoid fate. And if this isn't proof that karma's a bitch, I don't know what is.
I admit, I kept expectin' the pun endin' fer that story...
Sounds about as convoluted as explainin' how a man be 'is own grandpa... (Wasn't that a song?) ;)
Cement shoes only work if the water be really deep... Stay away from teenage swimmin' spots, popular dive spots or fishin' spots. Or where they might dredge... Better if'n ya jus' bury someone in cement pilings fer a very big buildin'... I'd think.
Though CSI solved one that way...ferget which CSI!
Real life crime is really unimaginative… From what I seen, those who do get away wit’ stuff keep it simple. Kill strangers, bury deep, lay low.
Yeah, but that's like serial killer crime...and then you only get caught because you have too many people disappearing around you. Because serial killers secretly WANT to get caught because they enjoy "getting away with something." It's an ego trip of I'm smarter than the police force.
Most murders are passion crimes. Takes a special person to kill someone else.
If you're willing to kill a stranger just for being there, you're already SPECIAL.
I think I've read that story too once, but it's awesome every single time I read it. Crazy, crazy, crazy. Though how horrible for the father to have realized he accidentally killed his own son, even if the son literally brought it on himself.
I don't know, it doesn't sound like were necessarily a close-knit, sane family to begin with. LOL!
In every real life murder show I've watched, the killer ALWAYS knew the victim. There was always some connection.
Well, yeah...that's why I say if you want to kill and get away with it...kill strangers, do it randomly. I think, eventually, forensics will be hard to beat.
Last time I be jury summoned...one a' the questions the prosecutor asked had ta do wit' whether ya watched CSI... Wanted everyone ta understand that the forensics ain't so clear cut in real life. Not yet. DNA ain't always there ta be found! Or they jus' don't have the ability ta find it...yet.
The line between real life and fiction gets blury in the jury room...
And I gots ta agree wit' Bo'sun...that family already be screwed up... Imagine the Da, ta realize his son be plannin' on usin' 'im as the murder weapon!
Now, if'n yer willin' ta kill strangers, seems ta me the ideal method involves ketchup packets. Think about it...all the fast foods use the same brand...available fer anyone ta grab. Ya takes some home, ya doctor 'em...slip 'em back inta places and viola!
I get nervous usin' the ketchup packets...
Great blog and great commentary! :)
I can't think of the good murder right now. I do recall one where a guy tossed a woman he'd just had sex with off a skyscraper. That sorta seemed mean.
I'll keep thinkin' though....
I loved this blog! Thanks, Chance, for giving us a Second Chance look at it.
I have a friend who killed off a character with a Coconut Cream Pie, and nope it wasn't poisoned. Although it should have been. I'm amazed at the creative ways to kill a character. I just shoot 'em, hang 'em, or disembowel them. Maybe I need to get a little more MacGyver like, not that he killed anyone, but his gadgets were so cool.
Because of wonderful Melissa, I was doing some reading on Allan Pinkerton. His death was an odd sort. He wasn't murdered, although I'm sure there were plenty of people who wished to do the dead-deed. He slipped and fell, biting his tongue. His tongue became infected and he died. Seriously sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.
Hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas!
Marn - That IS mean. Though I've felt the urge to toss a guy off a cliff after (bad) sex.
Watched a show while killing time in a motel room this weekend about a guy who'd been wrongfully convicted. The murder was pretty gruesome, but none of the evidence really pointed to this kid. Well, he was a kid when it happened, about twenty years ago.
Anywho, they managed to pull DNA off the inside of the waistband on the victim's underwear (the killer had ripped them down in the course of the killing - you don't want to know) twenty years after the crime. TWENTY YEARS!
That DNA matched her ex-boyfriend. It was enough to get the innocent guy out of jail, but not enough for them to press charges against the other dude.
I saw that show! See, I waste time watchin' shows like that. The DH turns on the Military Channel or The History Channel...I end up on Discovery Investigation.
Must be so frustratin' ta know who killed someone but not bein' able ta prove it. Me eldest sis knows cops and says it jus' tangles 'em up. But...ya learn to move on. And always keep an eye peeled fer a mistake that will see charges filed.
I've got a love/hate relationship with true life crime shows. I'll watch and be soooo frustrated when it's an unsolved mystery. I'll even watch a rerun thinking they are repeating it because they found out something new. How's that for addicted? And they don't. It was just a rerun. They get me every time.
Renee, I hadn't found that part out about Alan Pinkerton...always such interesting historical stuff. (to us anyway!)
Terri, I watched that one too...I knew it was the boyfriend...but it was a repeat.
I'd never seen it and I don't even know what channel I was watching since it was at a motel outside Knoxville.
I bet infections of weird sorts were the cause of many deaths over the years. But I am surprised that man lived long enough to die that way.
Aye, Ter - Not many places dirtier than the mouth...
What's funny? The DH will end up watchin' one a' those that end up in the courtroom. And he'll have a total different take than I do on whether the evidence be enough ta convict!
I jus' look at him and wonder...
And sometimes they do add a bit at the end if'n there be any updates.
We knew a man in Sacto area, fiance murdered. The cops told him after several months, they pretty much knew who did it, but didn't have enough evidence to charge. Jus' broke his heart...someone he'd introduced to her, casually.
I'm back for a second. Now, I need a pin that says, "Bad things just happen when I appear."
But I like that pin too, Chanceroo. Did I say thank you for thinking I'm worthy of a second glance?
Hm, how about a heroine who has truly the kiss of death. There has got to be a way to poison someone by kissing them and not poison yourself. But it has to be untraceable. I will think about that. Q, my dear wonderfully brilliant gentleman, let's think of some formula. *batting eyelashes* You can help me, right?
Uh...saw that done in a Bond film. I jus' can't remember which one... The woman had a coatin' on her lips ta protect her...
'Course yer worthy of a second look. I love figurin' out ways ta kill people... Keeps me sane. Used ta work in the bindery of a big print shop...all those lovely big machines. The paper cutter...three feet of deadly blade...
I am a recovering ID addict. I can't even look at the guide, it's like an alkie walking into a bar.
Didn't that happen in Holes? Or was the poison in the nail polish?
What about killer protection? LOL, I watched part of a movie, not sure the name, but it had Cameron Diaz in it. Her roommate was in a very interesting position because of a piercing. I suppose that could cause death by suffocation.
That's right, it's Investigation Discovery! It provideds background noise fer me when I'm home, so I know what ya mean, Renee.
And I don't even write murder mysteries, or thrillers, or anythin'! I jus' like ta play at imaginin' delightfully dastardly ways fer folks ta kick off...
Used ta be a comic strip called Sylvia... And people would bargain wit' the Devil fer a more dignified manner a' death... I love macabre humor!
Oh, no. You cannot leave me hangin' with something like that... Her roommate was in a very interesting position because of a piercing.
WHAT?
Renee!? Ya rotten wench! Don't make me waste time wit' havin' ta google Cameron Diaz movies!
Uh...because it were in her system and he 'absorbed' it?
LOL! Sorry, Chance! The movie is called The Sweetest Thing. The piercing got caught on the roommates tonsils. I think they all (EMTs and the entire apartment complex) start singing Relax, Don't Do It, trying to get the roommate to relax her throat to get her unstuck.
Well, I might have something close.
In the 1800s, women used to eat arsenic wafers to make their complexion prettier. (The crap we do for beauty; i thought the bat guano was bad enough.) So it doesn't kill the woman right away--and they build almost a tolerance for it (so long as you don't eat the whole box in one sitting.) I could swear I read about a spinster woman who ate these wafers--and then ended up having a lover. And killed him. With sex. (Being he hadn't built a tolerance for it.)
Oh Hellie that is perfect! You could have a Regency Serial Killer. She could start off killing the men who thumbed their noses at her.
One of my favorite ID shows has to do with women serial killers from history. Most of them were insurance scams. Really fascinating that they were that devious and got by with it because they weren't the obvious.
OMG. Renee...that is...really twisted! Another morality tale! Oral sex kills... Hee, hee.
Uh...if they die by absorbin' the arsenic, it wouldn't be the men who thumbed their noses at her!
Though she could be an unwittin' serial killer... "I just don't know why they all keep dying!"
Maybe after she marries them...and keeps bein' widowed, inheretin' money...
Renee...I like the commercial fer that show... Wit' the women sittin' around a table, sharin' pie...
I was thinking of an Ugly Duckling Wallflower scenario. Where she had been thumbed at, she's a spinster right, but then maybe she's a late bloomer and she becomes beautiful, and then she can lure them into her murderous cave.
Hee, hee. And I'm thinkin' the innocent killer... Wit' a suspicious inspector who finds her enticin'... But if he succumbs! Bwah ha ha!
Maybe it can have a HEA wit' him noticin' her takin' the wafer, asks about it and viola! He saves himself and 'er from the hangman's noose!
Too bad I don't write historicals or HEA!
Hee, hee.
I like that scenario, Chance.
Now, if Sin wrote this book... She'd be doin' it as a public service. Takin' down scoundrels on purpose! Or jus' because she felt like it...
That little scenario isn't enough to win you over to writing historicals?
I'm lazy about historical accuracy and would be slaughtered by historical readers...
If Hellie didn't kill me first fer gettin' stuff way wrong.
What if the spinster comes across an old hag who casts a spell to make her beautiful? A gypsy maybe. That could pull a touch of the paranormal in there and you'd have a best seller hands down!
(I can't believe Chancey didn't think of the para element.)
Yeah, but if the hag makes her beautiful...then why eat the arsenic wafers? Which kills her husbands?
Because after she becomes beautiful, she goes back for revenge. Are you not following along here?
Oh, yoa followed Renee's revenge scenario. I followed the romantic inspector scenario...
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