Embarrassing Praise
Something very strange happened to me this weekend. My husband’s best friend asked me about my writing. He and his wife were over to visit and he brought it up in dinner conversation. As in, “how’s your book coming along?”
In typical self-conscious fashion, I immediately wondered if maybe my DH was complaining about my writing or putting it down to his friend. So, as soon as this question left his friend’s mouth, I started looking between faces at the table, trying to gage if there was any mocking in anyone’s expression. But, my hubby gazed back at me encouragingly and his friend and his friend’s wife had heads tilted in interest.
The first surprising thing about this was that my husband had obviously talked to his friend about how I was writing a book. Oh, I'd never told him not to tell his friends; I just never expected him to tell them of his own volition. My hubby is supportive of my writing, but sometimes I think he’s uncomfortable talking about the details of the story. (“Honey, do you think it’s more romantic if he puts his hand in her hair or on the small of her back?” = DH running away, face hidden, to look up sports or something else manly on the internet).
So, to find out that he’d probably been bragging to his friend about me was sweet and touching.
Then, his friend was genuinely interested enough to ask me about it, then continue to express how cool he thought it was, for the span of several minutes.
Well, having his friend-- a guy and “a guy’s guy” at that-- go on and on about how cool it was that I was writing a romance novel was embarrassing for me.
I’m usually a confident person and I don’t embarrass easily. And I’m honestly to the point in my writing where I don’t really care if people don’t think it’s important enough to spend my time on or if they’re going to be Debbie Downer about it. So, even though scoffing and put downs still frustrate me and make me uncomfortable when I have to defend myself, they don’t pose any threat to stopping me anymore.
But, this open enthusiasm was a different story. I found myself playing it down. I was like, “well, I don’t know how it’ll go, but I’m going to put it out there anyway” and “maybe it’ll never get published but at least I’m more experienced for my next try.”
Afterwards, I wasn’t sure why I did this. I should have felt as confident in the face of praise as I did in the face of scorn. I just wasn’t prepared for it, especially from such an unexpected source.
It was nice. Really nice.
Have you ever received praise either for your writing or for something else that embarrassed you? How did you react? Is praise from someone unexpected any better than praise from someone expected? Why do you or don’t you think so?
Books by the Crew
31 comments:
Marnee, I have been watching Wimbledon Tennis over here on TV and John McEnroe, the ultimate brash bragging tennis genius is now the respectable 'old man of tennis', commenting on the antics of others and being embarrassed by reference to his many brilliant performances of old.
Perhaps this happens when people come to England as it is very British to play down one's achievements and say "I just got lucky" or some such. I think that modesty becomes you, especially as I know its genuine!
As for me and my humble attempts at writing, my DW thinks I should be devoting my formidable talents (OK I'm her hero! *blush*) to science and not squandering them on delusions of writing best sellers. She's probably right but a guy has to have dreams....even a 'formidable scientist' *g*
Q - I think you could write a wonderful bestseller AND be a formidable scientist all at the same time! You've got the feel of a multi-tasker. :)
What is it that you've been writing, if you don't mind sharing?
Marn - you deserve all that praise and more. And kudos to hubby and friends.
This is a funny one for me as I can't accept a compliment to save my life. Deflect, deflect, deflect. That's my motto. LOL!
I'm learning to just say, "thank you" and move on now. When I was on the radio I got compliments about how I sounded on the air. I could accept those but it always felt weird because if they only knew how much fun I was having, they'd realize it wasn't work at all.
I'm an extrovert and if I'm hanging out in a crowd, they're going to know I'm there. But I'm not all that comfy with having ALL attention on me. Even for this outgoing, in-your-face, I've introduced bands in front of thousands of people chick, that's hard. :)
Ter - Shucks, thanks!
I think that's what was so surprising about this. I figured out that I accept compliments differently for different things, and from different people.
And I thought I'd come farther with my writing; I thought I'd gotten past my insecurity ABOUT writing. (Though my insecurities about WHAT I write and HOW I write it still linger.) LOL!
You stood up in front of thousands of people like at a concert? That is something I can't imagine myself ever being comfortable doing.
Yep, I used to MC a large outdoor festival which meant getting up on stage between every local act, MCing the talent contest, and then introducing the big name act. The funny thing is that I was rarely nervous. I'd rather talk (the thing I do best) in front of five thousand or ten thousand people than talk to just one or two. For one thing, they rarely talk back other than to applaud. And everyone should get applause in their job. Seriously, it's the coolest thing.
And you reminded me about something I did the other night. I was buying makeup for the conference in San Fran and the lady at the counter asked me what kind of conference. When I told her she asked if I was a writer and my answer was, "Trying to be." Why do I keep doing that? LOL! I'm going to have to sit down and write, "I am a writer" one hundred times on a piece of paper. LOL!
I bet it still won't sink in....*sigh*
Ter - your new mantra - "I am a writer, I am a writer!"
Do it all the time. The "deflect, deflect, deflect" is totally me; and I'm going to go with Q's explanation that it's a quintessentially British thing to do (and I know our family haled from the isles back in 1680s) and assume that though it's been 300+ years since we even stepped foot on England, the DNA still remains.
In fact, if I ever say, "Yes, I know" to a compliment, I'm usually joking. Okay, I would have done it yesterday when I came back with my hair straightened and all flippy. It looked good--but I couldn't take credit. My stylist did it. I could only take credit for having such damned sexy hair.
As to will I ever think I'm really a writer: God, I hope so. Everyone who talks to me thinks I am. I'd hate to let them down.
Hellion - you're a great writer. No worries there.
I never really thought it was a genetic thing. I know women seem to do this more than men do (perhaps a sweeping generalization, so I apologize if that came off sexist). But, it seems most women I know tend to play down the utter awesomeness. Men wallow in their incredibly secure self-esteem.
Or they're just better at hiding their insecurities.
Marnee, I think it's totally understandable to be nervous when people show interest in what you're doing, especially when it's something that comes from somewhere so personal. But awww, sweet hubby of yours!
When I had concrete publishing dates for both of Books 1 and 2, I ended up getting some postcards with the covers on the front and the blurbs on the back. When they came in the mail and my husband took like half of them to bring to work and start passing around, I was amazed since he'd always joked that it would ruin his street cred to have his coworkers knowing what I did for a semi-living.
But then when I talked to same coworkers and learned that not only had he passed out the postcards, but that he also had one of each posted on his bulletin board at his desk, I was like...wow.
Since then, he's been pimping them out like crazy. Every day he comes home and says that he's gotten another few people interested, and I haven't had anyone else support me with as much enthusiasm as my husband.
Someone needs to give J.K.'s hubby a prize. J.K., take care of that, would you? LOL! How awesome.
I think you might have a point about the men/women thing, Marn. Some guys will see a hot chick in a bar and think, "She wants me." While that same hot girl can see a totally different guy who is really hot on the other side of same bar and think, "He's totally out of my league."
Why is that? LOL!
Terri: would that be a booby prize?
I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.
I think men *have* to wallow in their massive self-esteem--after all, they are shot down a LOT by women, so they have to rebound quickly in order to keep trying. Whereas, I don't nearly put myself out there as much, yet firmly believe if I did, I'd be shot down before I got off the ground...I don't know how men do it. Or where it comes from. Is it the razzing crap they do? Or is it something from birth? Do we naturally rear our children this way?
Oh, good question. I have a younger brother and a younger cousin, both of whom think very highly of themselves. They are both little players and though both are cute, neither is all that and a bag of chips. Heck, the cousin is bald (by choice) and shorter than I am! And he gets the chicks!
However, my younger brother who is gay (therefore more in touch with his feminine side) is more humble. Coincidence? LOL!
Confidence. Confidence sells.
JK - Your hubby does deserve some special prize. That's awesome. :) I think my favorite things about my DH are when I catch him being sweet when he thinks I won't find out. It definitely is adorable and incredibly sexy. :)
Ter/Hellion - I think this is one of those male/female mysteries that we'll never really solve. I did read an article recently though about how the gay brain varies from the heterosexual brain. The gist of it was that the gay brain resembles the opposing heterosexual brain. Ie, gay man's brain has similar workings as female heterosexual; lesbian has similar workings as straight man. (http://www.newscientist.com/channel/sex/dn14146-gay-brains-structured-like-those-of-the-opposite-sex.html)
Though of course, it takes some conclusion jumping and hypothesizing to assume that the way we act in given situations has anything to do with the way we're hardwired, but I suppose anything is possible.
So then we're genetically dispositioned to be humble and deflecting when praise is tossed our way; and men are dispositioned to wallow in praise if they so much as pick up a sock after themselves? Who made that rule? What the hell was that about? Is this back to the Nature Abhors a Vacuum crap again? Men get to wallow and women get to deflect so the universe is in balance?
There are plenty of women who are conceited and think they are God's gift to the world. Funny enough, those women usually annoy the shit out of me. LOL! But I don't like conceit in any form.
Hellion hit the right word - confidence. Confidence is sexy.
I have no clue what that study means. I just thought it was interesting. I find the brain fascinating.
I also think it's never clear cut. Nature, nurture, who knows?
I remember my mom when I was growing up would tell me I was beautiful all the time, even when I knew not everyone agreed. (Who could blame them? I think most of us hit an ugly phase sometimes. And I remember braces, glasses, bad skin, bad hair, and lurpy with no shape.) But, then when I would ever show any signs of being conceited. (ie, too much primping, showing too much skin, drawing too much attention to myself) she was the first one to say anything to knock me down a peg.
So, it seems the message was you can think you're beautiful, but don't let anyone else know that you think you're beautiful.
See? Crazy nurture thoughts. LOL!!
Now, I seem to have confidence when no one else thinks I should and shy away when anyone else thinks I should be confident.
sheesh.... I don't think I ever thought about this before. I'm more messed up than I originally thought!!
Relax, Marn. We're all a hot mess. I was always told I could do anything I wanted to do so I have total confidence in my mind. The looks is a different story all together. No confidence there and for good reason. Most of that stuff you say you remember I still deal with. LOL! Except that lurpy thing is more lumpy.
You're so awesome Marn! You deserve all the praise you get and more.
BTW - is that our undead monkey in that picture? LOL!
Moms. They're all completely nuts. But they mean well.
That's a hard one to learn: Know that you're beautiful, but don't be a conceited ass or you won't have any friends.
Although I am rarely embarrassed there are those moments that stick out in my mind… Like when… well
Take a moment to read my last post under “Replay: Mary Poppins in the house”.
One of the girls that heard me said that I should sing with her parents
in
the church
choir
OMG
I'm another one who deflects! And I think it's pretty normal (although, what I consider normal is quite questionable!). I do think it's also more a woman thing, Marnee.
Marnee - what an awesome hubby! (and JK too!) There's nothing like having that certain someone in your life support you. Mine is very much like that. He's the one that drove me to SEP's signing when I was trying to chicken out. He also made it virtually impossible for me to back out last April when meeting Eloisa James (and some very awesome pirates!). He's the first person I let read my stuff and he was stunned and come to think of it was pretty supportive even before he read anything.
I'm not sure how I'd feel about everyone knowing I write, or how I'd feel if he was going around telling everyone about it. Probably glad in one way that he was proud of me and mad in another - feeling pressured! See... he's right he can't win sometimes! LOL
As for the mother stuff I can totally relate. I tell my kids all the time how great they are and as soon as they start getting uppity I take'em down a peg (nicely). I try to explain to them the exact thing Hellion said - confidence. Being confident is appealling, bragging and acting self important is off putting.
So we need a good mixture of humility and confidence. Talk about walking a fine line. No wonder good characters are so difficult to create.
Irish - I get that pressure thing. Why is it as soon as you tell someone that you write they want to know WHEN they can pick up your book. Rome was not built in a day people!!!
There have been a number of studies that show little difference in the confidence levels of boys and girls through about age 12. At that age self-confidence significantly diminishes in girls. Other studies suggest at least a correlation between the rate of decline and how much time the girl spends viewing media images of women.
I think women are culturally conditioned to make light of their abilities and accomplishments. I have been in meetings where intelligent, articulate, highly credentialed women prefaced questions with "This may sound stupid . . ." or opinions with "I may be wrong . . ." I have done it myself.
How recent is the term "alpha heroine"? And of the 6000 plus romances published last year, how do you think the rate of alpha heroes and alpha heroines compared?
Janga - I'm guessing there are much more alpha heroes than heroines. Not sure what that says about the industry since it is pretty much created and run by women. I don't read the Paranormals that ushered in these kick-butt heroines, but I'm glad they brought them to the forefront.
Ter - I love the term "hot mess." LOL!! So fun. :) And I believe our undead monkey is not self conscious at all. So, this is undoubtedly a distant relation.
Sin - thanks honey! You rocketh too!!
I really do think it's hard to learn that lesson. Confidence is good, but you don't want to run around tooting your own horn all the time either (that does sound dirty, doesn't it?) Talk about mixed signals.
Julie - I loved your post yesterday. :) You crack me up.
Irish - Your DH sounds like he rocks too! He drove you to the signing? So cute.... And I think most mom's feel the way you do. I want my DS to have a good self-esteem, but if he starts acting like an arrogant snot, he can be sure I'll be first to tell him about it.
I hate the pressure too, though. I think people ahve no idea of the writing to published process so they think it's like an editor calls and the next week your book starts rolling off the presses.
Yeesh.
Janga - I absolutely know what you mean about intelligent women downplaying their smarts, or in general going about their lives apologetically. How often do you hear a woman apologize for something, even something that wasn't her fault? It's sad. I try to catch myself if I jump to apologize. Sometimes I apologize for nothing, as if I'm apologizing for my existence or something.
It's a bad habit.
Janga, it does seems plausible to me that women are biased more toward home building, bringing up children and conciliation where public displays of confidence may not be important. By contrast men are biased more toward being bread winners, where confidence and leadership qualities are often vital for getting a good job. Confidence doesn't equate with modesty though!
Maybe there are also cultural differences between sciences and arts. From attending international physics conferences and business meetings I haven't noticed any particular differences in confidence of presentation between men and women. Statistical averages can be quite misleading when distributions are skewed with long tails. The most interesting people often lie a long way from the average.
Take political leaders for example. Margaret Thatcher (Ex British PM) certainly didn't show any lack of confidence when she took Britain to war with Argentina. When on the attack in the house of commons, her voice would develop a hard gritty edge and grown men could cower under the onslaught as she called them spineless wimps and a range of other unmentionables when their questions showed flaws of logic or hinted that her policies might be flawed! Its also worth noting that Thatcher was a chemistry graduate.
There was absolutely no comparison at all between Thatcher over Falklands and Tony Blaire's performance over Iraq. Also listening to her talk rings round interviewers on radio was awesome. A most impressive lady and a true leader. A pity perhaps that Hilary Clinton didn't do better in her election campaign!
I can usually brazen my way through public appearances, but I am utterly self-conscious at the thought of talking about myself being a writer with strangers. It just feels so intrusive for some reason, and even when people around me discuss their writing, I'm silent. *g* I think it's something I need to work on.
I'm majoring in anthropology and my linguistics section dealt with speaking styles between the genders. Apparently, women like tend to preface their speech with what Janga said, and end their sentences on question marks, whereas men speak in strong, certain sentences, as though their word is what it is. It'd be a rather interesting experiment for a woman to spend a week being conscious of how she spoke and see how people reacted to her when she spoke firmly.
I say Q FOR PRESIDENT! LOL! I wish Madeline Albright would have run for President. I'd vote for her in a hot minute. (I'm on a hot kick today I guess)
Evangeline - I love to debate and maybe it's from being on the radio, but I have that direct thing going on most of the time. Not all the time since I'm well aware I don't know everything. When you're on the radio, you don't say anything unless you're sure. And if you're not sure, you say it with more confidence so no one will know. :)
Post a Comment