This past Saturday I attended my first writer’s conference sponsored by the local chapter of RWA. I asked a friend to attend the conference and our plans were all set. Two days before the conference my friend discovered she was on call, and had to cancel. I can relate to Sin’s cold feet. During the 45-minute drive to the conference, I almost turned around four times.

I am so glad that I didn’t.

I attended workshops held by an agent, two publishers, two published authors, and an ATF agent. A lot of the information I already knew, but each workshop gave me important insight into the world of writing from a perspective I’ve never viewed before. The speakers discussed everything from writing a query letter to deciding the genre to classify your WIP.

The ATF agent discussed weapons, and the ATF’s relationship with other law enforcement divisions such as the FBI, CIA, and Homeland Security. Overall it was very informative, and he provides a future resource if I ever need further research for my WIP.

During the workshop writers pitched their WIP to the agent and publishers. They also offered an open critique of any writer’s work who wished to participate. It’s a very unnerving experience to sit in a room of 45 writers and have the first two paragraphs of your WIP read in front of an agent and two publishers. I received some compliments and very helpful constructive criticism, so I was very pleased.

Raelene Gorlinski from Ellora's Cave Publishing presented the most entertaining workshop of the day. She shared some of the terms for anatomy in submissions she had received. Of course since it’s Friday, and I am such an enlightening individual, I’ll list a few for your enjoyment. I warn you to swallow all liquids and empty your bladder before continuing.

Icky Euphemisms for Vagina and Clitoris

1. aching oozing entrance

2. southernmost slippery lips

3. inflamed seeping tunnel

4. contracting crease

5. bloated pulsing bud

6. constricted, battered hole

And my personal favorite

 

7.drenched, hair topped cavern

Penis

1. buffeting brick of a bat

2. engorged cylindrical monster

3. object of her oral affection

4. near-spurting spear

5. torturous tube

6. ready to pop pole



And my personal favorite

7. albino boa constrictor

Ms. Gorlinski also shared other important information such as never use words like inflamed or bloated to describe sex organs-those are unpleasant not sexy. Dead bodies are bloated.

For historical writers it is proper to use the word cunny for female anatomy because it was appropriate for the time period. Marnee, you can thank me later. I know this saved you hours of research.

I thought I’d share some acceptable terms for male and female anatomy according to EC guidelines that sounded a little odd to me, but then again, I don't get out much.

Appropriate Anatomy Terms According to EC Guidelines

Vulva- quim and woman flesh.

Scrotum- ballocks, and cod

Penis- tumescence, harness( woah Nellie!), blade

Clitoris- bundle, button, pearl

 

 Terms That Are Less Than Endearing (Terms not to call your Heroine or Hero.)

Angel puss

Sugar booger

Puddle pooper

Fudgey

And never use “little” when referring to anything about a man. (Go figure) 

I really hate to end the wealth of important information I've learned, but I don’t want to over load your reservoir of prolific terms.

Have a great weekend.