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Thursday, May 1, 2008
A Day in the Life of a Conference Virgin
This past Saturday I attended my first writer’s conference sponsored by the local chapter of RWA. I asked a friend to attend the conference and our plans were all set. Two days before the conference my friend discovered she was on call, and had to cancel. I can relate to Sin’s cold feet. During the 45-minute drive to the conference, I almost turned around four times.
I am so glad that I didn’t.
I attended workshops held by an agent, two publishers, two published authors, and an ATF agent. A lot of the information I already knew, but each workshop gave me important insight into the world of writing from a perspective I’ve never viewed before. The speakers discussed everything from writing a query letter to deciding the genre to classify your WIP.
The ATF agent discussed weapons, and the ATF’s relationship with other law enforcement divisions such as the FBI, CIA, and Homeland Security. Overall it was very informative, and he provides a future resource if I ever need further research for my WIP.
During the workshop writers pitched their WIP to the agent and publishers. They also offered an open critique of any writer’s work who wished to participate. It’s a very unnerving experience to sit in a room of 45 writers and have the first two paragraphs of your WIP read in front of an agent and two publishers. I received some compliments and very helpful constructive criticism, so I was very pleased.
Raelene Gorlinski from Ellora's Cave Publishing presented the most entertaining workshop of the day. She shared some of the terms for anatomy in submissions she had received. Of course since it’s Friday, and I am such an enlightening individual, I’ll list a few for your enjoyment. I warn you to swallow all liquids and empty your bladder before continuing.
Icky Euphemisms for Vagina and Clitoris
1. aching oozing entrance
2. southernmost slippery lips
3. inflamed seeping tunnel
4. contracting crease
5. bloated pulsing bud
6. constricted, battered hole
And my personal favorite
7.drenched, hair topped cavern
Penis
1. buffeting brick of a bat
2. engorged cylindrical monster
3. object of her oral affection
4. near-spurting spear
5. torturous tube
6. ready to pop pole
And my personal favorite
7. albino boa constrictor
Ms. Gorlinski also shared other important information such as never use words like inflamed or bloated to describe sex organs-those are unpleasant not sexy. Dead bodies are bloated.
For historical writers it is proper to use the word cunny for female anatomy because it was appropriate for the time period. Marnee, you can thank me later. I know this saved you hours of research.
I thought I’d share some acceptable terms for male and female anatomy according to EC guidelines that sounded a little odd to me, but then again, I don't get out much.
Appropriate Anatomy Terms According to EC Guidelines
Vulva- quim and woman flesh.
Scrotum- ballocks, and cod
Penis- tumescence, harness( woah Nellie!), blade
Clitoris- bundle, button, pearl
Terms That Are Less Than Endearing (Terms not to call your Heroine or Hero.)
Angel puss
Sugar booger
Puddle pooper
Fudgey
And never use “little” when referring to anything about a man. (Go figure)
I really hate to end the wealth of important information I've learned, but I don’t want to over load your reservoir of prolific terms.
Have a great weekend.
I am so glad that I didn’t.
I attended workshops held by an agent, two publishers, two published authors, and an ATF agent. A lot of the information I already knew, but each workshop gave me important insight into the world of writing from a perspective I’ve never viewed before. The speakers discussed everything from writing a query letter to deciding the genre to classify your WIP.
The ATF agent discussed weapons, and the ATF’s relationship with other law enforcement divisions such as the FBI, CIA, and Homeland Security. Overall it was very informative, and he provides a future resource if I ever need further research for my WIP.
During the workshop writers pitched their WIP to the agent and publishers. They also offered an open critique of any writer’s work who wished to participate. It’s a very unnerving experience to sit in a room of 45 writers and have the first two paragraphs of your WIP read in front of an agent and two publishers. I received some compliments and very helpful constructive criticism, so I was very pleased.
Raelene Gorlinski from Ellora's Cave Publishing presented the most entertaining workshop of the day. She shared some of the terms for anatomy in submissions she had received. Of course since it’s Friday, and I am such an enlightening individual, I’ll list a few for your enjoyment. I warn you to swallow all liquids and empty your bladder before continuing.
Icky Euphemisms for Vagina and Clitoris
1. aching oozing entrance
2. southernmost slippery lips
3. inflamed seeping tunnel
4. contracting crease
5. bloated pulsing bud
6. constricted, battered hole
And my personal favorite
7.drenched, hair topped cavern
Penis
1. buffeting brick of a bat
2. engorged cylindrical monster
3. object of her oral affection
4. near-spurting spear
5. torturous tube
6. ready to pop pole
And my personal favorite
7. albino boa constrictor
Ms. Gorlinski also shared other important information such as never use words like inflamed or bloated to describe sex organs-those are unpleasant not sexy. Dead bodies are bloated.
For historical writers it is proper to use the word cunny for female anatomy because it was appropriate for the time period. Marnee, you can thank me later. I know this saved you hours of research.
I thought I’d share some acceptable terms for male and female anatomy according to EC guidelines that sounded a little odd to me, but then again, I don't get out much.
Appropriate Anatomy Terms According to EC Guidelines
Vulva- quim and woman flesh.
Scrotum- ballocks, and cod
Penis- tumescence, harness( woah Nellie!), blade
Clitoris- bundle, button, pearl
Terms That Are Less Than Endearing (Terms not to call your Heroine or Hero.)
Angel puss
Sugar booger
Puddle pooper
Fudgey
And never use “little” when referring to anything about a man. (Go figure)
I really hate to end the wealth of important information I've learned, but I don’t want to over load your reservoir of prolific terms.
Have a great weekend.
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65 comments:
I can say, I have NEVER used any of those terms. Fun Blog Lisa. Gave me a good chuckle for my dreary Friday.
Thank you for the heading off one of my research topics, PM Lis. I can always use the help. :)
Great fun, dear.
Um, battered hole? Talk about some negative connotations.
I always hate thinking of how to describe the anatomy. I think the more straightforward you are, the better. At least people won't stop and wonder what you mean.
I have to admit, I kind of like "object of her oral affection." It has a pretty ring to it. LOL!
Thanks for the warning about not drinking. My new monitor would have been covered in coffee if I hadn't put the mug down.
I'm glad you didn't turn around and miss all this fun. Congrats on your first (of many!) conference. And that "bloated" tip should come in handy. :)
I'm so glad you had a lot of fun at this conference!!! And I'm so glad you brought back the collection of acceptable words, because you don't know how close I was to using "albino boa constrictor of love"
I very nearly howled with laughter at your sarcasm Lis.
Ter, I also enjoyed the "object of her oral affection". Though I'd like to use it sarcastically. Like:
Nina thought about rolling her eyes but then she'd have to take them off the current object of her oral affection.
The blow pop.
Well, technically, you do have a snake in one of your stories. So you could probably get away with that. LOL!
Lisa - it's not that far from there to here so you could always come to my chapter conference in Nov. I could hook you up as I know the person organizing it. ;)
Thanks for the “no drinks warning”.
Those were Very funny lists, Lisa.
And speaking of lists… I think that I am adding fried and Baked Cod to my list of foods that I will not order out at a restaurant. LOL
PS. I'm SO SO SO proud of you Lisa! You went by yourself?! You're much braver than me (I). (Hell it's too early for grammar.)
PS. Why is it that everyone else can rename a hyperlink but me?
LOL. I can see Julie saying now:
"NO. NO. NO. I DON'T want the baked cod. No telling what you put in this. It's oddly shaped.."
Oh Lisa, this is gonna be bad all day long. LOL
Yah, its gonna be an interesting day. Cuz It’s Friday. And I usually make my DH take me out to dinner for… fried fish.
I can see it now
Me: “I’ll have the Divorcee’s Special.”
DH: “What’s that?”
Me: “Fried cod…”
Just make sure it's battered and not breaded or the Captain won't eat it. *LMAO*
Sin - what is your hyperlink issue?
That depends on the size of the cod.
Just sayin'....
Love the blow pop one. *ROFL*
yeah, Julie likes her cod not battered, nor breaded, but buttered in her love--
Okay! I totally got too carried away because of that post, Lisa.
Sin, I just learned how to hyperlink last week. You highLight what you want to link and click the picture of the chainlink on the toolbar then type in the URL in the box:)
I personally loved object of her oral affection, and I knew you could find a use for it...
I did go solo, and I made it through! I didn't duck out early. I stayed and flirted with the ATF guy:) Hubba Hubba.
Marnee, I knew you would be indebted to me for a life time for "cunny" LOL.
Julie I'm sorry I ruined Cod for you! Damn. Me of all people should have thought about food correlation. Please forgive me.
Ter, thanks for the invite, I may have to have another girl trip by then, so I'll keep the conference in mind.
Hellion,I know I saved us from so much embarassment. You don't know how many times I've wanted to refer to Ranger's cock as the mocha latte boa constrictor.LMAO
Ew. I'm on the phone with Julie reading her my post and she just admitted to me that she ALWAYS orders the "all you can eat fish."
I'm not sure if she means her, or her dh.
Somebody, PLEASE, stop me now.
What a howl, Lisa! Your very first conference and you went alone! You go girl!!!! I'm so glad you stuck with it and got so much out of it. That is so encouraging.
The Ellora Cave stuff is hilarious. "Aching oozing entrance" = that's the worse. In fact all the female ones sound like they're from a CSI show or something.
I want to know if the speaker offered these as a slide presentation or had to actually say them out loud. Cause if she said them aloud I want to give kudos to her too! We all know I'd be in the other room with the Power Point remote. Actually I'd have come down with a sudden case of something deadly and had someone else go in my place!
And LIsa, my first time at a conf., was by myself. My armpits were sweating the entire time, and I don't even care if that gave you all ugly pictures about me.
Lis, thanks for the FYI on the hyperlink issue. I know how to do it in Word, but websites always trip me up.
J Perry, you're cracking me up!
J - don't forget the lemon on that fish. *LOL*
Irish - good point on the girly parts. That "contracting crease" just sounds horribly wrong. As do most of these.
Anyone else think "folds" just sounds odd? I see that one a lot.
You Snot... is that gagging I hear?
Behave yourself you crazy J Perry!
And folds is strange. Like potato chip fold overs.
Is the gagging from the Cod?
Actually, the lemons are what induce the gagging. LOL! J and her flashbacks...*shakes head*
I don't know, folds just makes it sound like one of those giant curtains in an auditorium. You know, like when someone is in front of it and they can never find the opening to get behind it through all the folds? LOL!
I saw Dane Cook make that comparison and damn near died laughing. It's so wrong but so funny.
Sin!!!
And Terri, you outed me. You are SOOO getting a valium next time I see you.
Terri, how come everything you just wrote made me think of a female giant version of Gulliver's Travels.
"You know, like when someone is in front of it and they can never find the opening to get behind it through all the folds?"
That's one dirty little Gulliver, no?
No will ever believe this conversation. *LOL*
Now I want to know more about the lemon flashbacks.
And I forgot to stop drinking water when I saw "She always eats all you can eat fish..." I mean seriously....
Remind me to check my drinks for dissolving pills at Nationals. LOL! We're going to have a sign on our door that says, "NO LEMONS BEYOND THIS POINT!"
On the gagging issue - I think two words will sum it up. Blown. Chunks.
And no, J was not the blower...
Oh wait, that sounds wrong. LOL!
I know. I choked and thought I was gonna have to have CPR by a Cod.
Seriously. Where do these conversations come from?
CPR by Cod!?!
OMG that is so nasty!
Yick. Doesn't cod have a nasty smell? That's not pleasant.
PS. I love love love the harness. LOL! whoa nellie is right.
If you have a harness, shouldn't you have a bridle?
Just asking since this is all foreign to me...*whistles*
Marnee, I just spit my gum out laughing.
Stinky cod.
Unless you like to ride bareback. Which brings on a whole new topic level not processed for the blog. LOL
Seriously. A bit of good hygiene, please, Mr. Cod.
Doesn't all fish have an unpleasant smell? LOL! I've never heard anyone say "it smelled like fish" and mean it in a *good* way. *shivers*
Oh, bareback. Too much chafing....
I'm dying. I can't come back here anymore today or I will be fired for laughing like a banshee.
I used to ride bareback all the time as a teenager.
What?
And it was bad. I was allergic to the horse and got hives all up and down my thighs. (We rode hard.)
What?
Anyone else finish that last one with the phrase "put up wet?"
Just me? Yeah, right....
Don't mind J Perry. She's all giddy with excitement. Her DH promised that he'd buy her a new pussy for an anniversary gift.
When I asked her what it looked like she said its small, cute and very hairy. Oh! And its Hypo-allergenic too! Gosh, I'm so jealous.
I wish that my DH would buy me a Siberian kitten for our anniversary.
Omigosh I stwep away and get the exact reactions I was expecting. I know you all soooo well.
J. Perry, I am glad I wasn't the only one sweating alone. It was bad enoough I was nervous, but then the hot ATF guy sits beside me. I had to endure the EC workshop with him sitting next to me. Fortunately he laughed more than I did. And Irish, no power point presentation, just a handout, but she read every term out loud, and a little old lady sitting across the isle from me kept asking questions and needed explanations for some of the terms... It was a hoot.
I love the all you can eat cod. LMAO You all are so bad:)
Hard bareback riding? That would chafe.
No, I was more into a gentle canter than a full out gallop, but I'd ride all day...for hours and hours.
Lisa, *tsking* you set this topic up on purpose thinking we'd fall immediately into the gutter? Okay, you do know us well.
I wanna see pictures of the ATF guy!
I didn't get a pic of the ATF guy. I didn't want to be too obvious. Although one chick made a total ass out of herself asking questions about guns. She asked what size gun he carried and I don't think she wasn't referring to his Smith and Wesson. He was impressed that I knew so much about Sig Sauers, we had a nice little chat, Sin, I wish you could have been there, you would have been so into him:)
LOL! Oh, it's been a while since we toppled into innuendo for the day. We were due, I think.
She asked him about the size of his gun?! Seriously, some people have no couth. (Did I get that spelling even close?)
Sorry Captain that I steered the ship into the gutter...but you all were leaning over the side toward the gutter the entire time:)
"Toppled into innuendo"
I love that. LOL! Makes it sound so graceful.
I live in the gutter so I don't what y'all are talking about with this topple stuff.
I totally would've asked to see it.
Your right. I would've got right down on my knees and offered my undying help to reload him.
Then had a whole conversation on the pros and cons of revolvers and semis.
Hell, you would have loaded it for him.
Trust me. Hot ATF officers with guns.. No worries there. I'm always willing to go to bat for the pirates and save y'all the hassle.
Okay. Probably not. But I would've followed him about like a lost puppy asking all kinds of inane questions.
That's out Sin. Always willing to take one for the team. LOL!
*ROTFL* Don't apologize, Lisa. This is fun. I feel like a bunch of 14-yr-old girls though. *LOL*
The size of his gun. Sheesh. How'd he keep a straight face? He must get that question a LOT.
Or he's really packing...
Sin, always one to help a guy out..
Yep I'm sure the dude probably gets that question all the time from the ladies. I have his business card in case I need further research...
I'm leaving for a company function (drinking on the boss' tab!) but feel certain this conversation will not cross the lines of good taste while I'm gone.
Oh Hell, who am I kidding?
Don't have too much fun without me!
I haven't had so much fun reading posts in a looong time!
Lisa - so glad you drove on through and attended the conference.
Hellion - so sorry to hear about the chafing. I hope you eventually learned to ride slow and steady.
Terri - great company you work for. Do your functions center around the idea 'it must be after 12 somewhere'!
So glad to hear J Perry is getting a new pussy. Very generous of Julie's husband.
And I thought lemons made you stop gagging on the cod...
What?
That list is enough to turn me from all mention of sex in my writing. . .for at least a day or so. . .:)
Lisa your description of the ATF guy and the little old lady was priceless.
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