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Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Dare to be High Maintenance
Dupioni silk. Gardenia blossoms. Thoroughbred racehorses.
These are just a few of the things that could be labeled "high maintenance". But I think we'd all agree the care and attention required to maintain these exquisite items is definitely worth it.
Now it's time to put ourselves in that category.
Look how much we accomplish in our lives when we are wiped out, knackered, face planted against the pillow, dog-tired. Yet we keep going, putting that slacker drum-pounding pink bunny to shame. Despite our constant efforts to hack away at the day-to-day chores, there's ten times more on the list the following day. And that's not counting the revising or daily word count we hope to get done.
Imagine if YOU were at the top of the daily To Do list.
Everything, and everybody, will take your time and energy if you don't take it for yourself. If you let everyone else have it, there's nothing left when you try to write. And then you feel guilty for not wanting to write, or you tell yourself your writing is worse than crap, all because you're attempting it after being drained by fourteen hundred everyday obligations.
How much kick-ass writing could you produce if it were your highest priority every single day? If YOU were the highest priority every day?
"You're so high maintenance" is code for "you are fussy, entitled, self-absorbed, and WAY too devoted to satisfying your needs, generally at the expense of everyone else". It's synonymous with "Diva", another word that has gone from complimentary ("leading lady") to derogatory ("pain-in-the-ass") in a very short time.
I'm not suggesting you ruthlessly flatten everyone else to fulfill your wants and needs. Not at all. But why shouldn't you be all that you can be? Why can't you be the baked potato with all the extras? Why aren't you considered the luxury sedan with the rich Corinthian leather seats?
Why shouldn't you be first in line to get off the plane once it's safely arrived at the gate?
I already know what you're going to say about all the non-writing stuff that needs to be done every day: If I don't do it, it won't get done.
You're right, so I won't even try to argue that point. However, I suspect the folks in your sphere--whether it's work or school or family--have become accustomed to you getting it all done, and they have no real motivation to change that scenario. So yes, if you want things to get done, you have to do it.
But you know what? The exact same thing can be said about your writing. If YOU don't do it, it won't get done. Nobody else can write the stories you write. Other people can fold the laundry, throw something in the microwave, toss Rover some of his favorite doggie treats. And they should be happy to do that. Because nobody else can write the stories you write.
I'm not promoting an arrogant or egotistical manifesto here. It's simply acknowledging the desire to be more than a drone, a minion, a prototype first-generation robotic device. If those were enough, you wouldn't dream up wonderful stories filled with pirates, and Kraken, and assassins, and hotties. Those imaginative, fantastical, romantic tales need to be written. Yet it's difficult, sometimes next to impossible, when writing is last on the list, when energy levels are dim or non-existent.
I know it sounds like I'm being subversive. (I am.) I know it sounds like this will upset the daily routine. (Hopefully.) I know my pirate passport is likely to be permanently revoked now. (Dang.)
Still, it's worth it. I don't want to miss out on the breathtaking stories that are put aside because daily chores and mundane tasks rob your creative spirit. I'm asking that you dare to be high maintenance. Put yourself first, so that your books and your writing have the freshest, most inspired part of you, not the leftovers.
So, what can you do to be High Maintenance? Does the thought of it make you uncomfortable? Or does it secretly thrill you? How do you plan to put your writing first today? And how do I go about reinstating my pirate passport?
These are just a few of the things that could be labeled "high maintenance". But I think we'd all agree the care and attention required to maintain these exquisite items is definitely worth it.
Now it's time to put ourselves in that category.
Look how much we accomplish in our lives when we are wiped out, knackered, face planted against the pillow, dog-tired. Yet we keep going, putting that slacker drum-pounding pink bunny to shame. Despite our constant efforts to hack away at the day-to-day chores, there's ten times more on the list the following day. And that's not counting the revising or daily word count we hope to get done.
Imagine if YOU were at the top of the daily To Do list.
Everything, and everybody, will take your time and energy if you don't take it for yourself. If you let everyone else have it, there's nothing left when you try to write. And then you feel guilty for not wanting to write, or you tell yourself your writing is worse than crap, all because you're attempting it after being drained by fourteen hundred everyday obligations.
How much kick-ass writing could you produce if it were your highest priority every single day? If YOU were the highest priority every day?
"You're so high maintenance" is code for "you are fussy, entitled, self-absorbed, and WAY too devoted to satisfying your needs, generally at the expense of everyone else". It's synonymous with "Diva", another word that has gone from complimentary ("leading lady") to derogatory ("pain-in-the-ass") in a very short time.
I'm not suggesting you ruthlessly flatten everyone else to fulfill your wants and needs. Not at all. But why shouldn't you be all that you can be? Why can't you be the baked potato with all the extras? Why aren't you considered the luxury sedan with the rich Corinthian leather seats?
Why shouldn't you be first in line to get off the plane once it's safely arrived at the gate?
I already know what you're going to say about all the non-writing stuff that needs to be done every day: If I don't do it, it won't get done.
You're right, so I won't even try to argue that point. However, I suspect the folks in your sphere--whether it's work or school or family--have become accustomed to you getting it all done, and they have no real motivation to change that scenario. So yes, if you want things to get done, you have to do it.
But you know what? The exact same thing can be said about your writing. If YOU don't do it, it won't get done. Nobody else can write the stories you write. Other people can fold the laundry, throw something in the microwave, toss Rover some of his favorite doggie treats. And they should be happy to do that. Because nobody else can write the stories you write.
I'm not promoting an arrogant or egotistical manifesto here. It's simply acknowledging the desire to be more than a drone, a minion, a prototype first-generation robotic device. If those were enough, you wouldn't dream up wonderful stories filled with pirates, and Kraken, and assassins, and hotties. Those imaginative, fantastical, romantic tales need to be written. Yet it's difficult, sometimes next to impossible, when writing is last on the list, when energy levels are dim or non-existent.
I know it sounds like I'm being subversive. (I am.) I know it sounds like this will upset the daily routine. (Hopefully.) I know my pirate passport is likely to be permanently revoked now. (Dang.)
Still, it's worth it. I don't want to miss out on the breathtaking stories that are put aside because daily chores and mundane tasks rob your creative spirit. I'm asking that you dare to be high maintenance. Put yourself first, so that your books and your writing have the freshest, most inspired part of you, not the leftovers.
So, what can you do to be High Maintenance? Does the thought of it make you uncomfortable? Or does it secretly thrill you? How do you plan to put your writing first today? And how do I go about reinstating my pirate passport?
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39 comments:
Ah, Donna! A pirate after me own heart. To thine ownself be true, sweetie!
As I've said for years, if I don't count myself as someone to love and deserve love (and loving) ... then what you give isn't worth all that much. Gotta keep the well full of sweet water to refresh those around you.
Trust me, Donnaroo, ya ain't losin' yer pirate passport, yer getting a hand tooled leather cover!
Now, what can I do to be high maintenance? There's the days I ask the DH to drop the dog off at doggie daycare so I can have the day to myself.
There's the special hot pickles I buy now and then to treat myself to a taste bud fry...
And now? I'm going to MN and then Columbus. Yeah, feeling a little guilty leaving the DH to struggle with a job he absolutely-fricking hates. Last year, while I was at RT, he was laid off. This year? I'm hoping for better news than having to stick with this blackpit of despair he's working now...
Oh, off subject. Well, I'm ranting, probably won't hear much from me the rest of the day...
I will say, I dream of the day when the economy is better and I can treat myself, and him, to some of the pampering we so richly deserve!
PS, great great blog, Donna.
Donna - I agree with Chance; this doesn't make you less of a pirate, but more of one. :)
Wow, high maintenance.... I can barely manage any level of maintenance right now. LOL! But I have, in the past few years, figured out that no one (spouse, relative, etc) is going to tell me, "oh, sweetie. Why don't you go sit down and let me take care of (fill in tedious chore) here?"
When I was younger, I figured some knight in shining armor would come along and save me from the ad nauseum of life. Someone who would dote on me. Maybe I thought he'd come equipped with cleaning equipment. Well, I found my knight, but it just turns out that I have to tell him how to dote on me. He doesn't know he needs to do the laundry or clean the litter or whatever unless I tell him. But once I do, he does it, usually without much complaint. And maybe a few years ago I would have toughed it out and been a martyr and just done it myself but my martyr days are done. When I need help, I ask. And my gift to myself? I don't feel guilty about it. Oh, at first I did. But after pretending not to feel guilty about it for a while, I eventually stopped feeling guilty about it. Fake it til you make it is strong stuff.
It certainly isn't like I'm not pulling my own weight, ya now?
I carve out my minutes to write like an adrenalin junkie carves out their time to go to the gym. Or bungee jumping. I guard it with my sanity. If I don't write, or have my minutes to write, I lose it. And it isn't a pretty sight. My DH knows this and well, he prefers a sane wife to the alternative.
Bless him. Smart man.
:)
Chance, a hand tooled leather cover for my pirate passport! It's just what I needed. :)
I like what you said about keeping the well full of sweet water to refresh those around you. I've got to keep that in mind.
I definitely hope you can enjoy your trip -- it sounds like you need the diversion AND you're providing a valuable service to RT newbies! I sympathize with your husband. Too many of my jobs have been those same pits of despair, and then I despaired because I was too exhausted to write.
I hope the economy gets better soon too. I think "pampering" is a necessity, not an indulgence, something we all need on a daily basis!
Marn, I'm still getting my sea legs, so it's good to know I'm progressing through the ranks of piratehood!
LOL about the knight in shining armor showing up with cleaning equipment! (Guess that's how he stays shiny!)
You're a wise woman, having learned to ask when you need help. That's a tough one for a lot of people (myself included!). Over the years, I've learned to not feel guilty too. That was even TOUGHER, because guilt was like mother's milk to me. LOL
Your husband sounds like a peach, and I'm glad he's figured out that if you're happy, the world is the way it should be. :)
I've always prided myself on being able to say I'm low maintenance, but this blog is changing my mind. LOL! My kiddo and I are in this tough phase of her still acting like a toddler and me demanding she help out more. I've lost track of how many times I've screamed I AM NOT YOUR MAID!!!
So maybe I'm raising my maintenance level. I do know that all this writing has meant the house is neglected and I couldn't take it anymore last night, I had to clean. It looks much better now, so I'm good for another week or two.
Bo'sun, I was the same way about being low maintenance -- but then I realized it's more of a convenience for EVERYONE ELSE. LOL I think that's the tough thing I've observed about being a mom, because you want to take care of them and keep them happy BUT you also need those things for yourself!
I can let housework slide (helloooo -- Hierarchy of Avoidance! LOL), but there are times when it DOES make you feel good to get things squared away. So whatever it takes to keep you feeling good, that's the good kind of maintenance. :)
I know my pirate passport is likely to be permanently revoked now. (Dang.)
No, Ma'am, if anything I'd give it higher privileges for this blog. I love it. *LOL*
I need to figure out ways to write at work. During lunch or something, so I can "get started earlier" because although I can write 2-3 pages at night when I go to bed, sometimes it doesn't work because I am too drained. And I don't even have kids (furry or otherwise) or significant others underneath my feet. I'm drained from this job--and then I have to go to the gym because I need to go for my health, PERIOD, and when I get home, all I want to do is lay on the couch and decompress. I don't want to get involved in any other world or talk with people. Even fictional people. I'm becoming even anti-social among my fantasy worlds.
The kicker to being High Maintenance is that you can't care how the stuff you're not doing anymore is being handled (if it's handled at all.) That means, you can't care if the laundry remains in the dryer for days on end. You can't care if the dishes pile up and are done every 3-5 days rather than every night. You can't care if the beds are never made or the floor is rarely vacuumed. You can't care.
Hellion, I agree with you trying to get some writing done at work. :) I used to get a lot of brainstorming done when I worked a boring job -- and it was amazing the amount of writing I could get done in a 15-minute break.
Luckily I haven't gotten to the point of feeling anti-social with fictional people. LOL Well, it depends WHICH fictional people, I guess!
And not caring. . .do you remember that movie "Meatballs"? Where Bill Murray has them all chanting, "It just doesn't matter." LOL That's what I think about all the stuff that piles up a little longer. "It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter." :)
Wow! Did this post ever strike a chord in MY soul! I am a writer wanna-be and a professional crafter and I ALWAYS put my work at the bottom of the list. I always followed the paradigm that, because it was fun, it wasn't really work so I would put it at the bottom for after all the "real" work was done.
But your post turned me on my (ever-spreading) ass! WHY do I have to push my work off? Would the DH (and you KNOW that doesn't always stand for "dear husband" - you are writers, think about it for a mo)put any of his work off? H to the E to no freaking way. So why am I?
Because I haven't accepted this dare, and a dare it is - or feels like to me. I have that same mental tingle, that same "canIreallydothis?" rush, that same feeling that if I can accept the dare I will be on my way to a transformation.
And you know what, Donna? You are so right that "high maintenance" HAS become a derogatory term. It should mean that we are all such marvelous creatures that our skills and wishes and endeavors and works are all worthy of the deference and prioritization that any "grand travail" deserves. I am HIGH MAINTENANCE and PROUD OF IT!
Gosh elian ( this is how my computer spells Hellion BTW) maybe you can learn to beach state ( computer for dictate ) to your computer. The L.a.(That way) UK ( you can) use your hands to file your folders, and your voice to write your story! Emboli ( And boy) what a story it will be.
Semitic comments (what my computer wrote when I told it to "submit comment". OMG I'm laughing hysterically. Gavel of(Gotta love) windows salmon (7)!
I so wish I could stop caring.
Jules, the edits would be interesting, I give you that. Plus when my boss comes in and asks for something and the computer records that.
I'd be in the middle of the sex scene and be wondering, "Why does she want a file folder stuck there?"
Speaking of not caring, working with Dr. R as Director for years was entertaining. I would get all wound up about everything all the time (nothing's changed) and he wouldn't bat an eye. Nothing bothered him, and he'd go, "Is this going to matter in five years? No. It barely matters now."
Well 'Elian, it sounds like Dr. R should be given a very important government job. Somewhere where not getting bother by the little details is important. I'm thinking that Dr. R would make a wonderful Director of the IRS!
Sorry I'm late today. Donna, terrific blog! I love this last line: Put yourself first, so that your books and your writing have the freshest, most inspired part of you, not the leftovers.
I think this is why I've taken so well to writing first thing in the morning. I don't look at my calendar first, I don't go downstairs and see the mess from the night before that needs to be cleaned up, I just curl up in my "writing room" with coffee, with plotting notes all over the walls, and crack away.
On days I can do that, I feel like I do succeed at putting writing first. But about half the days, of course, something comes up, or I'm too tired, or I try to write in the evening after a day of work, chores, cleaning, students, etc. It doesn't work so well then!
Donna, great blog!
I'm lucky, in that my DH helps without my asking. My kids will help if I ask, but sometimes I have to yell to be heard. Although taking away their video games works well, too.
I put my writing first today by registering for my first RWA national conference.
Di
I so wish I could stop caring about that kind of stuff too. The hubs and SIL (a college student who lives with us full time) have this habit of putting their plates on the living room floor for the dog to finish off when they're done eating. Invariably, I walk through and trip over a plate or a bowl (or a stack!) and start yelling and carrying dishes into the kitchen while bitching about "if someone walked in right now and saw this..." Geez. Maybe I'm already high maintenance :)
Hal - That would make me insane. I have enough trouble tripping over Kiddo's shoes. And my cat won't eat people food. Strangest damn animal.
Di - WHOOHOO! You must find Chance and I!
Since I teach conflict resolution, I'm always asking for examples of conflicts students have been in, and it's absurd how often house-cleaning comes up as a topic of fights. So it's not just us, Ter :)
I need to learn Marn's trick of just telling them both what I need without feeling guilty about it. I'm very jealous, Marn!
High maintenance to me means trouble.
The more to maintain, the more to go wrong!
Anyway, intellectual creative artistic writers don't need all that materialistic frippery do they?
Fulfillment comes from your art and skill.
A few missed dinners or cleaning sessions all add to the artistic ambiance, creating atmosphere.
No. You're right. I don't believe that crap!
I think you just need to marry an investment genius or an aristocratic English Earl.
Money solves most of those probs!
Interesting Donna ... Sorry I'm no help at all! *smile*
Julie -- you're speaking in code again! LOL
Hellion -- I remember the "frozen snowball theory" from a place I worked years ago. It was always the reminder of "how important is this so-called crisis going to be in a million years when the world is a frozen snowball". LOL
And Q has the number 1 answer! Marry money. Gah! Why didn't we think of that?!
Hal - Demand assistance! You are not their maid and they are supposed to be adults. Adults can pick up their own plates. Even adults who are still in school. (My poor child has a rough road ahead of her.)
Di -- that's so exciting about signing up for the conference! I wish I was going to be there too, BUT, unless I marry the rich Earl that Q was dangling in front of me. . .Sigh. LOL
Hal, I don't always get my writing done in the mornings because I'm a wee bit of a procastinator. (I know! Shocking! Good thing you were sitting down, right?!) I do like to give it my best mental energy though, and sometimes that's later in the day -- I just feel like it needs to have its importance acknowledged, especially by those around us.
But we still get to set the schedule!
Q, that's why I'm trying to change people's minds about "high maintenance", because to a lot of people it means "too much can go wrong". LOL
But you're right -- a lot of things can be solved with big piles of cash! :) Or at least, that's what I've heard -- haven't really experienced it!
Hal, I can totally see where household issues would be a huge conflict resolution need. Everyone wants comfort, but they want somebody else to provide it!
I'm with Bo'sun -- demand assistance. Or quit giving them plates to eat off of!
I think you've got a great blog, here, Donna! It works on so many levels, not just writing! I've been trying to implement this whole philosophy for the past couple of years with my life in general.
Marnee's got it right on the asking for help. I used to want my DH to read my mind and KNOW what needs to be done, especially what I thought was a priority. I learned early on that won't happen in my lifetime (and I'm learning it is that way with most guys, not just my guy!) So, I started nicely asking for what I wanted (It would really help if..., I'm stressed and you could help by..., This needs to be done and I don't have time...). It works every time and my guilt is gone. I still think my life would be perfect if I could just get me a mommy and wife combined to organize my life but that's a whole other blog!!! LOL
Now, with the kids, Marn, you'll have to start early. Just lay down the ground rules and make them tow the line. Young ones can always be trained. It's just when they finally get it down - they move out.
I just spent the past 2 hours out crabbing about this issue with a friend. We met for breakfast and had a bitch session on clueless husbands and kids that think we exist to be their personal slave. I think this is pretty universal.
The bottom line is just what Donna said - you have to make "YOU" a priority cause no one else will!
I remember when DH moved in with me. I told him straight up the first week that I don't like to do housework (I swear, some men think that women dig that shit). I said, "I don't like cleaning up after myself and I'm sure as hell not cleaning up after you. So pick up after yourself and we'll be fine."
He did look at me a little strange at first, as if to find out how serious I was. We had a couple knock down battles about how I'm not his mom. But he's a quick learner and after that we were good. In fact, he does some of the stuff I can't stand. (ie, laundry, ughhh....) and I do the detail stuff (toilets). It works out.
Right now I'm home, so I get a little more time to do the housework than the DH does. Though I'll probably have to have him step up for a while when the youngest is born. I can't be a milk factory, a diaper changer, the toddler disciplinarian, do late night duty AND be the cleaning service. Or more accurately, I WON'T do all that. He can vacuum and dust now and again.
After all, nothing makes a wife/woman happier than a freshly vacuumed floor. Keep your flowers; grab a broom.
Now the three year old could stand some training.... I swear, I'm going to train both my boys well enough that no future wife or significant other will have cause to complain if it's the last thing I do. If some woman down the road says, "Mrs. B, thank you for teaching him how to cook/clean/do laundry" my life mission will be complete.
Marnee - I'll thank you now, even though I won't have a girl in the hunt. I wish more mothers had that attitude.
My ex cooked and cleaned when we were first together. Somewhere along the line, he stopped doing anything at all. I still have no idea where the slippery slope started, though I think I can trace its origin back to the blonde bank floozy coming into the picture.
I really don't think I could start over with a new person around all the time. I am SO set in my ways, it's scary. Nothing worse than putting something away and coming back to find it moved. Call me anal retentive, but that makes me nuts.
Everything has a home, people!
Irish, you're right about guys not being able to read our minds. And unfortunately it's one of those unspoken "tests" we give them. Maybe it's because it's so fun to brag to our friends about the wonderful things he did "without being asked". LOL
But part of the downside to being so brilliant and competent is everyone believes we can do everything. So asking for help seems to be the best solution. Even if it is hard to do.
Marn, you're right -- I've heard so many women say that about men thinking females like doing all the housework! LOL
Let's make a t-shirt of the "keep the flowers, grab a broom". LOL That's awesome!
Bo'sun -- interesting about the slippery slope. Maybe it's like when people start a new job and they're all gung ho and excited, and then they start seeing how little they can do and still get paid. LOL
I love being the boss of my whole entire house. Although it means I can't blame anybody else when stuff isn't where it should be. LOL
Don't be knocking on "little they can do and still get paid"--George Carlin said it best that most people work hard enough not to get fired and are paid just enough to not quit.
LOL -- Hellion, I'm not knocking on it -- I was just trying to come up with a theory to fit Bo'sun's set of facts. :)
I should have fired him way sooner!
George was so wise.
Marn, I LOVE IT! Keep the Flowers, Grab a Broom. I'm with Donna we have to have a t-shirt made.
Yeah, I'm home all the time too and my little ones aren't so little any more. I also signed on to be the stay-at-home mom with all that entails. I am more than happy to concede that point and do my share (even more than my share). I wanted this life, but I didn't sign on to be abused and taken for granted. I say that all the time - all I ask is a little gratitude, a thank you now and then, and to pick up after yourself. Some paid servants don't get treated as badly as good ole mom!
And I'm with you all the way Marn! I tell my kids all the time - "Your significant others are not coming back and pointing the finger at me when they discover you're either high maintenance (my daughter) or a slob who can barely tie his shoes (my son)". They have been in the process for several years now of learning how to clean, do laundry and cook basic meals for themselves.
My next phase is teaching them healthy relationship habits. I've already begun with the daughter and that seems to be going well. I think what I have to work on with the son is showering a little more often. He needs to learn no showers = no girls. I'm pretty sure he'll pick that one pretty quick.
Bo'sun~ I'm looking forward to meeting you and Chance!
Di
Glittery Hoohas in the bar! (I can't wait to see the bartender's face when Chance asks for one of those.)
Bless you, Irish. I had to teach my ex to brush his teeth. He was 21 when I met him.
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