Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Deck the Mizzenmast with strings of Mistletoe... falalala lalalala

Pick your jaws up off the deck. I'm not going to rebel on Christmas. Following in the true path of Christmasness, I picked a wonderful Christmas blog to revisit. While we may have rewritten history with our spookily fantastical rendition of a Christmas Carol this year, Hellie brought us together for a wonderful Christmas Caroling event that is sure to warm even the coldest of hearts. And if it doesn't, I expect you to lie because if you don't, I'm going to follow you around singing Christmas carols at the top of my lungs. And I'm loud. And sneaky. I will pop up when you least expect it.

Christmas RWR Caroling Review




[ship railing twined with tinsel and fat Christmas lights; decorated Christmas tree with a Captain Jack Sparrow action figure tied to the top as the “angel” in the Crow’s Nest; a snow-machine on the fo’c’sle, launching fake snow onto the main decks and the crew, which most keep dusting from their costumes with various degrees of hostility. Hellion, dressed in an Elf costume and an ostentatious number of jingle bells, is handing out crib sheets to everyone.]

Terri: [taking sheet, tugging at short skirt which could double as a napkin] You know, when you did this crap on the Vagabonds, you didn’t make them wear embarrassing outfits.

Hellion: Yes, I did.

Tiffany: She really did.

Terri: Tiffany?

Tiffany: [tugging at her skirt, but to show off her belly ring] Yeah, she complains about my Nick Cave, but come Christmas, she wants my Soprano in her choir.

Ely: [fluffing hair and scarf] And mine!

Hellion: [sheepish shrugging] Caroling is more fun in large groups. Kris? Mags? Come on out! You look adorable, you do!

[Maggie and Kris emerge from below deck, looking the supreme Madonnas of Cool, elf outfits, glittery silver scarfs and sunglasses. Hellion hands them their sheets.]

Marnee: [bouncing up] I do like the outfits, but the heels are a bit much. These are not every efficient to chase toddlers in.

Ely: [winking] No, but they’re perfect for making you slow enough to be chased. [blows kiss at one of the crew hands who makes a ‘call me’ gesture]

Sin: [emerging from the Crow’s Nest, though no one can figure out how since there is a tree there; everyone stares at her elf outfit which is completely black, with no tinsel or bells. Hellion stares at her] What? I’m wearing it.

Hellion: I gave you a RED outfit.

Sin: This was hell to dye, let me tell you. Ninjas don’t wear red outfits, Hellie. I’ve told you that.

Hellion: And where are the jingle bells?

Sin: Nor do super-secret agent spies wear bells. Don’t you read spy books?

Hellion: [sighing] I should just be happy you’re wearing it at all.

Sin: Atta girl.

Hellion: Okay, ladies, a one, a one, two….

Crew & Vixens:

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want him for my own
More than he could ever know
Santa, make my wish come true…
All I want for Christmas is
Hugh…

[Hugh Jackman bursts out of a rum keg, wearing a Santa hat and not much else, though the rum keg does keep this all PG-13.]

Hellion: [sashaying]

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
(and I) Don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don’t need to hang my stocking
Above my hammock on the deck
(ahhh) All I need is hot Hugh Jackman,
Lathered up, all soapy wet
I just want him for my own
More than he could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is Hugh… [Hellion spreads arms wide, belting]

[Captain Jack Sparrow staggers out onto the deck, admires Hellion, does a double-take at Hugh]

Hugh: Good-day, mate.

Jack: Where are your clothes?

Hugh: I’m not sure. I just woke up like this.

Jack: [grunting] That’s happened to me more times than I care to recall. [looking about] Hellie, baby, when is my part?

Hellion: [sheepish look] Later, baby. I told you, at rehearsal, after the Hugh song. [muttering] Like wayyyy later.

Jack: There was a rehearsal?

Crew & Vixens: There was a rehearsal?

[music replays cue. Replays cue again.]

Sin: Sh*t, damn, f*ck. I missed the cue. [plays cue again, Sin sings]

Oh I won’t ask for much this Christmas
I won’t even wish for rum
I’m just gonna keep on waiting
Right here, till my feet go numb;
I won’t make a list and send it
With my requests for all things Twilight
Vampires can’t hold a candle
To Hugh’s soapy, chesty sight
‘Cause I just want him here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is…Edward!

Hellion: That is not what it says!

Sin: I improved it.

Hellion: You did not!

Sin: Did too!

Jack: Ladies, ladies, ladies…I’m here. You can stop singing the song now. [sniffs, glances over at the still grinning Hugh] And I think you need to find your clothes.

[Tiffany, Ely, Kris and Maggie run over to the barrel]

Tiffany: I can help him. I think I know where he might have left them.

Kris: I think I might have a better idea of where he left them, Tiff.

Ely: [stroking a fingertip down Hugh’s chest] I’m good at finding things, Hugh….

Maggie: This goes to show how much you three know what to do with a naked man. Hugh, why don’t you come with me? You, as always, are dressed perfectly for the occasion.

[Vixens whisk Hugh Jackman below decks. A new glance on the ship shows Sin is hanging off the side railing, calling, “Edward? Are you there?”; Terri is trying to glue an extension to her short skirt; and Marnee has exchanged her heels for tennis shoes.]

Hellion: [music cues and Hellion begins striding across the ship with grand gestures]

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Here upon the ship;
Take a look at the carronades, those tinsely grenades,
What Man-o-War could be more prettily equipped?
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Toys for every Ninja Spy,

[Sin holds up three Ninja stars in one hand and a Glock in the other]

But the prettiest sight to see is the rum casks that will be
Stacked up to the sky.

Jack: There’s more rum? Excellent. I’m out. [uncorking a cask and refilling his bottle]

Sin: [sticks Glock at her back holster, starts juggling stars]

A pair of CFM boots and a pistol that shoots
Is the wish of our Captain Hellie;
Terri wants Big Ben, Lisa wants a variety of men,
And Marnee wants cologne to make her husband smelly.

Jack: And we all want rum balls for our bellies! Bugger, are they gone too?

Lisa, Marnee, & Terri: [in harmony]

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Here upon the ship;
There’s a tree in the Crow’s Nest high, and there’s plenty of pumpkin pie,
Piled with plenty of that canned whip

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas;
Soon the singing will start,
And the thing that will make us sing is the jolly our ‘lubbers bring
And those little delightful rum tarts…

Hellion: Has anyone got any rum tarts? I mean, is anyone baking on this ship this year? I’m hungry….

Jack: [finishing the rum in his bottle] We’re out of rum tarts too? What is going on this ship? Stress-eating? Is it the holidays? Are you worried about what to buy me, my little love muffin? [wiggles fingers under Hellion’s chin]

Hellion: The economy. Pirating has been way down.

Terri: Oh, like you know anything about the economy. Why don’t you have some more rum? You’re a lot more coherent about the economy when you’re trashed.

Hellion: No, I’m not.

Terri: Okay, you’re not. But you are more optimistic…and well, fun, and I’ll take that. [pouring rum for Hellion] Now are we done butchering Christmas songs yet?

Hellion: Not quite. I have a special guest for the finale.

Jack: Yes! I have the finale?

Hellion: No, Ranger has the finale. [Jack pouts, Hellion blows kiss] We have a finale later.

Jack: Later? You mean… [waves a hand to the cabin]

Hellion: [nods]

Jack: [grinning] Pirate queen and naughty first mate who has to swab the deck….

Terri: Ewww, do we have to hear this? Really?

Hellion: [nods at Jack] Later, yes, my naughty first mate.

Jack: Yes!

Hellion: [clearing throat] Okay, Ranger, you can come out now!

[Ranger descends from the Crow’s Nest, again, much to the bafflement of the rest of the crew because no one can figure out how they’re fitting up there. Though we now know what Sin was doing.]

Ranger: [crossing arms] I don’t sing.

Hellion: You lost the bet, buddy. Now just like in rehearsal, one, two, thr….

Crew & Ranger: There was a rehearsal?

Hellion: Just sing it.

Ranger: [glaring at Hellion, sings]

There’s something stuck up in the Crow’s Nest
And I don’t know what it is,
But it’s been there all night long.
Well, I waited up for Stephanie all Christmas night
But she never came and it don’t seem right.
And there’s something in the Crow’s Nest
And it doesn’t make a sound,
But I wish you Merry Christmas.

There’s something stuck up in the Crow’s Nest
And I don’t know what it is,
But it’s been there all week long.
Well, Sin keeps bitchin’ ‘bout the Crow’s Nest pew
And we don’t know what we’re going to do.
Cause there’s something in the Crow’s Nest
And it doesn’t move around,
And it’s been a week since Christmas.

There’s something stuck up in the Crow’s Nest
And I don’t know what it is,
But it’s been there all month long.
Well, it’s jammed up tight in the Looking place
Now the ship smells wonky, should we replace?
That something in the Crow’s Nest,
That doesn’t talk at all,
And it’s been there since last Christmas.

There’s something stuck up in the Crow’s Nest
And I don’t know what it is,
But it’s been there all year long.
I’ll been waiting up for Stephanie like I did last year
But my pirate ninja says, “She’s already here.”
And she’s stuck up in the Crow’s Nest
And she doesn’t say a word
And she’ll be there every Christmas.
And I’ll have her every Christmas.

Hellion: [clapping] Excellent, excellent, brilliant job. Okay, there is no easy way to transition to an ending to this, I noticed that three pages ago, because well, I’m not good at finishing things.

Sin: Yeah, I saw that latch hook rug kit you got when you were in 4th grade. Are you ever going to finish that?

Hellion: No, I’m past my fascination for wall decorations in the shape of 70s-era shag carpeting. Do you know you can still get them? Latch Hook Kits. I know what my nieces are getting for Christmas! Now the question of the day: what do you want for Christmas? (The first do-gooder who says, “Peace on earth and goodwill to all men” is going to be knocked in the head with a rum bottle. I mean, I want a serious answer like, a Wii or Hugh Jackman in a red ribbon.)



27 comments:

2nd Chance said...

Somethin' material? I want a crew from the clutter patrol ta sweep through me house and clear the clutter...

And a new pair of Merrils. The ones I be wearin' be lookin' really tattered...

That were a brilliant carol. Have I mentioned I sing? I even wrote a great Christmas carol... "Chocolate bells...chocolate bells...it's Christmas times and I'm hungry..."

Hellie said...

*LOL* We need to put a carol in for Chance.

Chocolate bells, chocolate bells--
It's Christmas time and I'm hungry.
*rustling of foil*
Yummy-ummy, fill my tummy,
Soon this bag will be empty!

Oh, and there are two corrections that have to be made to this--that never was--

1.) Tiffany would never get a belly ring. She said so last time. It's only tattoos.

2.) Sin would never have a Glock. She wants something else--but I forget what the damn thing's called.

I am mildly disappointed Sin didn't pick my Post-It blog. *droll look* I mean, I know how much she loved it. All that plotting advice. Color-coded office supplies. A chart.

But this will do. I do enjoy Hugh...and Ranger.

Marnee Jo said...

Hmmmm.... What do I want for Christmas.... I don't even know. I was debating this past week but I couldn't think of anything. A maid. That's what I'd like.

:)

I remember this blog. Another Hellie masterpiece. Great job. :)

Hellie said...

And as for: what do I want for Christmas?

Already got two of the things I wanted: the new HP movie and a HP calendar. Although I've always wanted the HP books on CD...but they're so pricey. I just listen to them from the library...but if Santa is ever feeling like he's won the lottery and wants to throw some stuff my way: the HP books on CD set...or even just one or two of them.

Sin said...

Awh, Hells, you actually remembered I wouldn't carry a Glock! I thought about changing it but I left it all in it's original brilliant glory from last year.

*raising eyebrows* And I have a belly ring. It's black onyx and really pretty. Not that I ever show it off.

Now, here is the firearm I prefer. Isn't it pretty?

http://www.smith-wesson.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?catalogId=11101&storeId=10001&productId=53919&langId=-1&parent_category_rn=15713&isFirearm=Y

Sin said...

Glock's are okay. I didn't really like the way it kicked back. And it's a little too, hm, ugly for me and blocky. I prefer the polymer frame of the S&W because it's lighter and easier to handle. With night sights so I can see to aim in the dark. A pirate ninja tart can never be too careful in her life of intrigue and adventure. *grin*

Hellie said...

Of course, I remembered. You guys waxed on dreamily about it for a good thirty minutes. I just never remember the names. I might have had a better chance if I wrote them down--but I didn't.

You may have a belly ring, but Tiff doesn't...and she's the one showing it off in this piece. *LOL*

Sin said...

I have a Christmas list if Santa is feeling generous even with my bad girl status.

Put my list to the tune of Santa Baby.

1. Santa baby, I really would like a maid to clean up after the messes of the undead monkey.
2. Santa baby, I really would love a Camaro, dull black, with the SS logo on the front and back. Black tinted windows and enough horsepower to lay rubber for a quarter mile.
3. Santa baby, after all I really do love you, please, pretty please, bring me a new external hard drive. That can be black too, only to match my latest laptop. I would like at least a terrabyte. Maybe two. Even a 2.5 would be good.

Sin said...

Oh, and Santa dearest, the Sigma series 40 polymer S&W pistol too. With night sights.

Hellie said...

Santa baby, slip a contract under the tree for me,
I’ve been an awful good writer,
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa baby, an out-of-space bestselling listing as well, what the hell,
Who doesn’t want to read my book?
Santa baby, I’ll read you some of my book tonight.

Think of all the fun I’ve missed (writing)
Think of all the fellas I haven’t kissed (because I’ve been writing)
Next year I could be oh so good
If you could just check off this list.

Santa honey, I want prominent display on the shelf,
And I don’t mean next to the self-help.
I’ve worked like an elf all year,
Santa baby, hurry down my chimney tonight…

Sin said...

Hells, that was awesome!

Bosun said...

*clapping and jumping around*

I love this blog! Good choice, Sin. And love the Santa Baby remake. Awesome from both of you!

Not sure what I want for Christmas. I'm in desperate need of clothes so gift cards are always good. But I still want that new Netbook. A maid is definitely on the list. Actually, I'm tempted to pay for one visit from a maid service just to get the bathrooms clean. *sigh*

Throw in the miracle of a cat who will sleep through the night without clawing the carpet around 5am and a forty pound weight loss for me and Christmas would be perfect!

Melissa said...

Loved the Santa Baby remake. :) I love the blog question that bans any do gooder wishes. I have a crazy image of a suitcase full of gift cards for places all over the world that I'd have to use up within a month or so. Ah, that would be fun!

Hellie said...

Wellll, we're banning the do gooder wishes because they're too easy. Everyone wants world peace. Everyone wants their family to be healthy and happy. Everyone wants the world to not feel lonely and find the home they need during this season. Yes, yes, yes. All noble and fine. But what do you secretly want? If all those other needs were met--what would you just want for giggles? *LOL*

I like the suitcase of giftcards to spend all over the world. I assume it comes with a passport and hotel vouchers and plane tickets...

Bosun said...

If someone came to me and said, "We're sending you to Scotland for a month and you can spend that month traveling all around the UK (and maybe venture into France) on us", I'd think I died and went to heaven.

Melissa said...

Oh, yes. The suitcase of gift cards comes with passport, plane and hotel...all the perks...and a gift certificate for the Romance Hero Escort Service is part of the package too. :)

Melissa said...

I know, you're thinking it's perfect, but what happens when the month is up? Well, the Romance Hero Escort Service has a guarantee of HEA, of course. And they've never ever given a refund. LOL

Hellie said...

I was just thinking you thought of everything, Melissa. *LOL*

Janga said...

I love the Santa Baby lyrics too.

For Christmas I want three months on a private island with a personal chef, maid service, and George Clooney as bartender. There will be no squealing, crying, fighting kids; no video games; no Disney movies; and no music by Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift.

Irisheyes said...

This was a great blog, Hellie! The Santa Baby remake was awesome also.

What do I want for Christmas?! In the "not a chance I'm getting" category it would have to be a month long vacation in Europe with a tour guide who knew all the really cool historic places to hit.

For the "a little better chance but still not really on the radar" would be a new flat screen TV with wood credenza under it for my family room (not so much for the new stuff but to get rid of the ugly old stuff I have to look at each day).

And in the "most probably going to get from santa/DH" category it would be an MP3 player so I can download historicals to listen to.

Hellie said...

I think I'm going to vacation with Janga. *LOL* That sounds like heaven. Is it Heaven? Tell me it is--I'll sign up immediately.

Irish, I would love to tour Europe with someone who knew all the really cool stuff!!! Dream big. *LOL*

Julie said...

I want...

“Peace on earth and goodwill to all WOmen”

Ooooohhhhh I love this Blog too! It is One of my favorites.

And I'm rather jealous of SIN ... she gets a gun. NoBody lets me have a gun ...
cuz I'd use it.

Julie said...

What would I want just for giggles?

A push-up bra.

Julie said...

Actualy, now that I think about it, I Really dooo want gun. Its lovely. It is quote well made and fun to use. It features a notched handle ... Sigh... <3
http://www.target.com/s/186-2444757-3671023?_encoding=UTF8&search-alias=tgt-index&keywords=cookie%20gun&searchSize=30&ref=sr_bx%5F1%5F1&searchView=grid5&searchNodeID=1038576&searchPage=1&searchRank=target104545

2nd Chance said...

OK, if we're gonna talk weapons... I want a crossbow pistol and a real good set a' throwin' knives, wit' lessons!

Lessons wit' a patient instructor who will stick wit' me until I could try out fer a circus and get in!

2nd Chance said...

I'm gonna try this one more time... A pirate Christmas card, courtesy a' PirateMod...

http://www.pirategreetings.com/

Bosun said...

That card is great! And now we all want to go to Janga's island and it won't be private anymore. LOL!

Julie - "A push-up bra." This cracked me up.