The Thanksgiving-Twilight Song
Because it’s Thanksgiving and because the new Twilight movie is raking money hand-over-fist, it only seems appropriate there was a song that summed up the deliciousness of both of these favorites. I wasn’t a fan of the first movie, though you’d never know it by how often it is played in my DVD player, but this one: I’m definitely a fan. I think Taylor is a complete fetus, but I am a huge champion of Jacob Black. And on the big screen, Taylor’s chest looks at least 22 years old. Anyhow, this is for Taylor. (I hope his girlfriend, Taylor, isn’t jealous of my songwriting abilities. I know how such a thing could possibly happen, but Taylor, I have no designs on your man!)
Disclaimer issued by Sandler’s lawyer: Miss Hellion’s inferior lyrics are by no means affiliated with Mr. Sandler. Mr. Sandler wants no part in Miss Hellion’s bogus and nearly illiterate attempts to ape his highly creative and copyrighted works. Also the fact she is writing about Twilight of all things makes him want to vomit.
"The Thanksgiving Song"
[Starts playing]
Love to watch Jacob
Love to watch Jacob
[Shout from Crowd:] "I love you Hellion!"
[Hellion:] "Ohhh, I love you, too, Taylor! Or well, your character, not you so much…."
Love to watch Jacob
'Cause he’s so fine
Love to watch Jacob
I wish he were mine
'Cause Jacob is awesome to drool over
[Hellion:] "Taylor, that shirt removal thing is very distracting. Please, I’m trying to finish the song. I appreciate it. I’ll check out your hot naked bod later, okay, when I see the movie for the tenth time. But I was trying to think of the next line and all I see are those ripping, gorgeous muscles. Here we go... Thanks anyways"
Jacob for me
Jacob for you
Let's watch Jacob
And bid Edward adieu
Love to watch Jacob
In my bed
I once saw the movie
Better Off Dead
Watch that Jacob
All night long
Twenty million Twilighters
Can't be wrong
Jacob-acobb loo and
Jacob-acobb liva
I love to watch Jacob
Then eat some Godiva
Jacob is my favorite Twilight man;
If I were Bella, I’d be his biggest fan
That's right
Jacob all cuddly, Jacob with Bella
I wish she preferred him to that other sullen fella.
Jacob for you and
Jacob for me
My gay ex-boyfriend Mike
Sunshiney Jacob, Moody Old Edward
You just can't lose
The eyecandy in this tweeny movie
Is so hard to choose.
(God, everyone’s hot in this movie! Did anyone see Dr. Cullen? Hotflash!)
Jacob on my nightstand
And strudel in the toaster
I'll never take down
My Harry Potter poster
Wrap Jacob up
In Christmas paper
You know your Twilight friends
Want to know the latest caper!
Jacob, Edward and Happily Ever After
Hellion’s crazy parodies
Jacob for the crabbies and
Edward for the crazies
Did you know my favorite flower
Is a handful of daisies?
(Yeah, my boyfriend doesn’t either. Cheap ba…)
Yummy yummy wolfies and
Yummy yummy suckers
I wish Jacob
Would just tackle Bella and [BLEEP]
Oh I love Jacob on Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving everybody!
Okay, what are you thankful for this Thanksgiving? Have any of you seen the new Twilight? Team Edward or Team Jacob?
Books by the Crew
75 comments:
I've been here before. Team Cusack!
*giggle
What are ya drinkin' Hel? Ya must share!
I've never been a particular Cusack fan. (My friend loved Better Off Dead--couldn't stand it. But I was finally won over to Cusack after Must Love Dogs. That was a cute movie. I hear the 2012 movie was really good. I like a good End of the World movie.)
Clearly I'm drinking Wolfsbane Beer or something.
If you're looking for someone past puberty to admire, really you should check out Dr. Cullen. His scene where he's sewing Bella back together was hot. I mean HAWT. And Laurent, the deadly vampire, was rather seductive as well; and Aro wasn't bad. Plus there's always Charlie. He's cute in that FILF sort of way.
Oh my! *fans self* I've never read the books but my daughter has and said 'Meh' about them. However, she appears to be a big fan of this movie, lol.
A friend timed how many minutes of Bare Jacob the movie had. It clocked in at 12 minutes. Brilliant movie making, that!
Off to google Dr. Cullen.
I just want to say that I have ALWAYS been team Jacob. And, I've seen the movie. There were a lot of teens and 30/40 somethings making hormonal sighs and squeals throughout the movie. I *may* have been one of them. LOL I don't recall, 'cause I was very busy concentrating on not drooling all over my friend sitting beside me. She barely kept it under wraps too. The movie totally played up on the characters being sex symbols. Holy wind machine and show strip tease scenes, batman.
and that was 'slow' strip tease scenes...
PS I must be crazy, I saw it on opening night with four girlfriends. :)
Santa, Dr. Cullen is dark-haired in real life, but in the movie, blonde. And he looks good as a blonde. I prefer him as a blonde, and I don't usually like blondes. *LOL*
12 minutes? It seemed so much more. *LOL* But there was also Edward bare (which was a lot less impressive to me, what was up with his nipple?) and the other wolf boys (not as ripped looking, but not bad).
I haven't seen it yet, but I promised kiddo I'd take her when she gets back from her little holiday. I'm hoping the little gasping girlies (and older gasping girlies) will be over it by then and I can watch the thing in relative peace. The first movie made me motion sick and I had to leave the theater for about 20 mins so as not to hurl. Is this one going to be a problem too?
If I were on a team, it would definitely be Team Jacob. Mostly because I DO NOT see any appeal in Edward. Cheesy, drama-king, ice box that he is. And SKINNY. So not for me. BTW, what's up with the nipples? ;)
Oh, and awesome parody, but I told you that when I read it a couple days ago. The random shit is the best part. LOL!
I prefer Dr. Cullen with his usual dark hair and scruffy 5 o'clock shadow. Peter Facinelli is HAWT in real life. That lucky Jenny Garth.
Tiff, I've always been Team Jacob too. I mean, I know I was supposed to be rooting for Edward and all, but his perpetual self-loathing got on my nerves. Jacob did not have this problem. *LOL* He's a little more balanced than Edward...and slightly less stalkerish, which I appreciate in a guy.
Technically speaking though, I can see why Bella and Edward go together though. They're both neurotic in the same self-loathing sorts of ways, perpetually shocked the other person wants to be with them because they are so unworthy and all...so I'm more than willing to take Jacob out of the picture for them. It's fine.
They had Taylor on the Conan O'Brien show last night (I don't normally watch, was just up late) and did you know he can catch grapes if you throw them? He caught all three of them and didn't choke or anything. If this Twilight gig doesn't work out for him, there is always the circus.
By the way, when he ripped his shirt off to wipe the blood off Bella's face (don't you love how it's completely necessary for heroes to disrobe to save you?), I gave out an involuntary sigh. My friend hit me and started laughing.
We went at a matinee though, Friday afternoon. Less teenagers.
I’m hoping the little gasping girlies (and older gasping girlies) will be over it by then and I can watch the thing in relative peace.
Yeah, good luck with that. *snorts*
No, there was not the motion sickness sort of stuff like in the first movie (which seemed to suffer from wanting to be like The Bourne Identity), and I thought the special effects were much better--again, bigger budget. But the vampires are fast and the wolves are faster...and there are chase scenes through the woods. I don't know how sensitive you are.
Very sensitive. I'll try to close my eyes before it gets too bad and maybe I'll make it. I've had this problem with other movies before. I spent the last 10 minutes of Twister outside the theater with my head between my knees. *rolls eyes*
Awesome parody, Cap'n. :) LOL!!
I haven't seen it yet. I think I might try to catch it this weekend. I have too much turkey day related crap going down this week.
But I am excited about it. And I'm sure I'll buy it when it comes out on DVD. Because that's how I roll.
If I had to choose a team, based on the books I suspect I'm Team Edward. I always thought Jacob was kinda ignorant to Bella. I'd probably have mouthed off hard to him. But on the other hand, Edward was always such an emo wuss, I couldn't take him in the last couple books either. So, hmmmm.... I don't know.
Based on the movies? I'm waiting to see how Taylor does with the character and make my decision then.
*Ducking for cover...sticks head out from behind rock...*
I haven't read any of the books or seen either movie.
*peeking out*
Neither guy is appealing to me. But, if hard-pressed I would say put a bag over Jacob's head and I'd be team Jacob. Something about his face is wayyy to boyish for me and it doesn't match the body.
I haven’t read any of the books or seen either movie.
You're very lucky. *LOL*
I too sometimes think Taylor would be more appealing with a bag over his head. That toothy, pony grin of his...
Marn, I will grant you Jacob is a little on the ignorant side where Bella is concerned...but not detrimentally so. More like young male ignorant, so I imagined he'd eventually grow out of that. Or more likely, you'd get used to it. In the meantime, I could appreciate he was much more a boy-boy than Edward was. Edward was annoying because he was like a sugar daddy who was always acting like he knew better than you. That belabored "God, you want to fool aroung again?! Don't you ever get tired of wanting sex?"--which I don't appreciate. *LOL* The last guy who did that to me turned out to be gay--so I tend to try to stay clear of that warning signal. Bella has clearly not dated a gay guy to know the difference.
I haven't heard any bitching about something being changed from the book to the movie. Did they stick pretty close with this? And this thing made like $150m in the first weekend. That's 3 times what it cost to make it. Crazy.
I'm another who has neither read the books nor seen the movies. Maybe I'm just too old to see the appeal, but I think my reaction would have been the same when I was 20--or 40.
I do see the appeal of your parody though, Hellie. Superb, as always. :)
Janga - I'm right there with you. I've only seen the movies due to begging from my kiddo. If I didn't see them at all, I'm sure I'd survive. (Though I do have to say, the trailer for this one made it look so much better than the first. Now if only the dialog wasn't so darn cheesy.)
Thank you, Janga. It's not normally my cup of tea either. I didn't care for the first book, I hated the first movie...but I did like the 2nd book a lot and I knew it was because of Jacob. I think it was because I could appreciate a boy--even if he was always trying to make out with her--who could win a girl out of her depression when a bad boy broke her heart. Jacob really appeals to my 17-year-old self. I could have used a Jacob.
Bo'sun, they've been talking about that this year. The movies that had BIG stars and BIG budgets flopped horribly, but the movies with modest budgets (comparably) and modest stars did so, so much better.
It amazes me that for as long as Hollywood has been in business--and it's been in business for over a 100 years--that it still does not understand that it's the stories that matter more than the stars. It's the WRITING that matters. Appealing to the universal.
Makes. Me. Crazy.
Which is why you should be writing screenplays. And we should rule the world, including Hollywood, but that's a different topic.
Okay, I have my own image of Edward in my mind and regardless of RPattz playing Edward (and he is very Edward like) the Edward in my mind is not quite as scrawny.
But I'm always going to take the vamp side. I need to be a Volturi. That scene was uber kick ass where they were walking in the tourists. *grin* I think I could rock the blood red eyes. Wonder what my gift would be. Hm.
But I will say that Taylor did a nice job as Jake. As you've heard Hells, that scene in the rain just does it for a girl. But I could've improved it. LOL
Awesome job!
Brilliant Helli, as always.
We don't celebrate thanksgiving in the UK but if we did I'm just thankful that I'm old enough to say NO and don't have to watch that movie.
To get serious though I would watch 'Gigi' again any time.
In parody mode I tried substituting 'Helli' for 'little girls' in the following.
Just needs Maurice Chevalier to sing it. *grin*
Thank heaven for pirate Helli
for Helli gets bigger every day!
Thank heaven for all the pirates
for they grows up in the most delightful way!
Those little eyes so helpless and appealing
one day will flash and send you crashin' thru the ceilin'
Thank heaven for Captain Helli
thank heaven for them all,
no matter where no matter who
for without them, what would little boys do?
What d'ya think? :lol:
And I forgot to add in, my version of Edward isn't as whiny either. I can't stand whining.
Q, *clapping* Very, very good Q, very charming...and I will resist my womanly impulses that say, "Get bigger every day? Is he reminding me I need to go to the gym?" because I think that's just a direct quotation from the song itself. And as far as Thanksgiving is concerned and my love for Green Bean Casserole, I am getting bigger everyday.
You deserve some Scotch. The guy who sang that song...that was Maurice Chevelier, right? I will need to google, I might have gotten the name wrong.
I don't want to think about a world of what little boys would do if they didn't have pirates like us to exasperate them. How bored they would be!
Quarter, the scene in Italy was VERY cool. I loved-loved the fight scene, I kept wincing in the seat and freaking out...but then Edward would say something sooo Edward and I'd make vomiting noises, which would only make Pam laugh again.
Yes, the "rain" scene could have been improved instead of making Jacob a "poor girl's Edward"--Jacob should be Jacob, he shouldn't be mouthing Edward's crappy dialogue.
I saw for Helli gets bigger every day! and I thought OMG the man is DEAD! LOL!
I've heard them playing some of the dialog on the radio and I have to believe these lines could have sounded slightly less cheesy with better delivery.
I'm giving him a pass, Bo'sun, since I barked at him last week, when he said an even more innocent remark.
The lines in the rain are as cheesy as they sound. And the ones Jacob says right before she leaves for Italy...I'll give him a pass on that scene, but they were cheesy. Everything Edwards says is cheesy. What would you expect from a guy born at the turn of the century? *eyeroll*
awesome parody, Hellie!
I can't decide if I'll see this movie or not. I read all four books in one week, and adored them, but I haven't gone back to re-read them, and hated the first movie. The more hype it all gets, the less I like it. I'll probably wait until the movie's out on video, mostly because there are other movies out right now I'd rather spend my twenty bucks on *g*
No, Hal, I *HATED* the first movie. I was so unbelievably annoyed. My boyfriend (who likes vampires) was happy I'd gone and asked me (after the first movie last year at this time) if I liked it. "NO, it was the DUMBEST thing I've ever watched." And he sorta deflated--since here he was showing an interested in something obviously girly and his unromantic girl made vomiting noises about the vampire.
However, since he's since seen it and realized what a whiney SOB Edward is, he understands. *LOL*
The story is a lot more interesting with the love triangle and the Volturi. The STAKES are higher. It's a bigger deal.
Okay, the love triangle gets a little old; and you start laughing at all the wolf boys running around shirtless all the time...but it's a lot better than the first movie.
I don't know if there are other movies I want to see right now. Oh, wait I did want to see The Blind Side--that looked good. (And I loathe football.)
I also want to see Nine and Sherlock Holmes.
OK, I haven't read the books or seen the movies. Don't plan on it either... But...be there wolf girls and do they run about the forest without their shirts?
;)
Should be an equal opportunity thing, I be thinkin'.
I don't know how Chance still manages to surprise me, but she does.
Sorry to disappoint you, 2nd, but the wolf girl doesn't show up until the 3rd movie. So not sure what they plan to do for her. Since no one is having sex or even kissing much, I'll have to guess: no, she won't be topless.
Topless ON Forks would just be wrong.
Forgot to say, I can't wait for Nine! Musicals are like crack to me and this one looks awesome. (I think that's the fourth time I've used the word "awesome" today. WTF?)
Now, that would be a helluva porn movie waiting to happen. Topless in Forks...
*laughing hysterically*
Spooning in Forks?
LOL.
....sooo, I need to write a song and I could use some help.
JK, I'll be glad to help you. Do I get to talk about shirtless wolf boys and spooning in Forks?
That should be "pretty sure". *sigh* I need another pb cup.
It's a LULLABYE, Hellie. I'm pretty much wolves and anything shirtless is out. Though JK does write demons normally, so I could be wrong.
Okay, Spooning in Forks is just GENIUS.
Sigh, unfortunately yes I need a lullabye. Something from a teenage brother to his little sister.
BUT...I'd always love a second song about shirtless wolf boys :) Who wouldn't?
I would love a lullaby with wolves and shirtless in it.
Lullaby,
don't you sigh,
go to sleep, little Hellion,
when you awake
you can quake that rake
while jumping him in the shower...
What about?
Lullaby, baby,
snug in her bed,
Brother is watching,
don't worry your head.
Dream about puppies
and trips to the Zoo,
and soon your big brother
will come back for you.
That sounds creepy. LOL! Better than I could do, but creepy all the same.
JK - we need more info. What's their situation?
Lots of lullabys are creepy.
Rockabye baby in the treetop,
when the wind blows, the cradle will rock,
when the bow breaks, the cradle will fall (NICE)
and down will come baby, cradle and all.
HELLLLLOOOOOOO. Someone call child services? Who puts a baby in a cradle in a treetop?
That's violent, but not creepy. No one is watching in secret, ya know? But all old fairy tales were like that. You ever read the original Grimm tales, you better be prepared for lots of gruesome death. LOL!
I've been PC'd, what can I say?
Yeah, the Cinderella story has definitely been GLOSSED OVER in future retellings. *LOL*
You know, that is actually pretty close to what I need, Hellion. I’d like to avoid using the actual word “lullabye” in the song, but basically it is supposed to be a reassurance from brother to sister that he’ll always watch over her and take care of her. (but not too sappy. he’s a teenager, after all.)
OK, how did forks end up in the convo? Did I do a type I be blind ta?
One wolf girl? There be multiple wolf boys but only be one wolf girl? Well, no wonder this Jacob be a bit stilted in his approach ta the fair Bella... He only been able ta run shirtless in the forest with other wolf boys!?
This could be a real interestin' porn movie...
Ya know they be doin' a take off on it, they do all the popular movies... Got ta get the DH ta do some searchin'...
Glad I could surprise ya, Bo'sun. I mean, don't ya wonder sometimes where be the shirtless girls? Ya all be speakin' 'bout nipples and no shirtless girls in sight?
Forks is the town in Washington state where Meyers set the story.
And for my entire life I've seen topless women in movies. I say it's about time the guys have to carry the nipple weight for a while.
Tomorrow this will be one of the things I'm most thankful for- the ability to read a blog that starts out with a song about a half naked wolf boy, goes into shirtless girls and porn and then lullabyes. And then back to shirtless girls.
I like our cluster. Makes me feel like my randomness belongs somewhere.
Forks, Washington is where the Twilight Saga is based in. And I'm pretty sure I can't hold claim to the genius of Spooning in Forks. I believe I read that somewhere and it must have stuck in my brain for future usage.
Sin - We are a cluster of a different sort. LOL!
Speaking of random, I just found out a museum in downtown Norfolk has a new exhibition about the history of Pirates!
http://nauticus.org/pirates/
Ah! See, I kept readin' over me entry and thinkin' I'd misspelled forest and someone made forks out of it!
If randomness belonged somewhere...wouldn't that defeat the entire idea of randomness?
*kissy, kissy
Luv ya, too, Quartermaster!
Hey, crew. I need a name fer a character that is also a crew title... And it can't be Bo'sun, darn it! I thought a' Gunner...anything else comes ta mind?
I be geographically challenged, Bo'sun...is Norfolk near 'nuff fer ya ta visit? Looks like a nice exhibit!
I haven't read the books or seen the movies. My daughter read Twilight and was not impressed - has absolutely no desire to venture further into the saga. I think it creeped her out a bit. She's more of a romantic comedy kind of gal. She watched The Proposal last night and loved that.
The DH was always making fun of me that I didn't know my Grimm's Fairytales cause we never read them as children and now I'm glad. They were totally twisted. Along with good 'ol Walt Disney. I'm a huge fan but I still think he was a bit disturbed.
I work in Norfolk so this museum is very close. I now know what Kiddo and I will be doing when she gets back.
Try this for names. http://www.thepiratesrealm.com/pirate%20crew.html
Aye, that helped!
Cooper! I like that, it be a name and it be a position on a ship...should work. (I were using Bosun, but me villian name be too close and I'm tryin' ta avoid confusion. Cooper should work. Might jus' make it Coop fer most. Or...I might keep Gunny/Gunner... It be good ta have options!)
(And yes, I could change the villain name, if'n I come up with another name that makes me think a' bears...and sounds threatenin'. I have some research ta do. I'd almost rather change Beorn than Bosun...)
I keep havin' the same argument wit' Jane-o 'bout fairy tales. That they began as morality tales, were much more violent and sexual than what she be familiar wit'.
Like hittin' a wall with a rubber hammer. She be stubborn!
Jane-o objects ta the erotic versions a' fairy tales. Jus' refuses ta believe me that they started out that way!
Really? Even after reading the original of Sleeping Beauty and the "thorny bramble"? She doesn't know what that was originally referring to? *tsk, tsk*
She be in love wit' the Disney, little-kid versions and won't accept that he hijacked them...the erotica authors are just hijackin' them back. Her worry, as a mommy? That the kids will pick it up thinkin' it's the storybook they already know.
As if they would be instantly corrupted? I don't know. I know she be a mommy and mommy's worry.
Yes, Sleeping Beauty *pricked* her finger. Nothing dirty in that at all. LOL! Metaphors, people!
I'm a mom and I have no fear my kid will pick up a dirty fairy tale and be confused. First off, who'd leave that lying around? It's not like it's going to be in the elementary school library or even in the kid section at the public one. And those stories were written for adults, hate ta tell ya.
That's what I tell 'er! But she got her mind made up on this one...
I do believe I just landed in a pissing match on another blog. I couldn't help myself. Damn my need to argue! LOL!
Oooh, which blog!
It's over on Dear Author in the discussion about RWA refusing Jane membership renewal. LOL! I'll warn, there are well over a hundred comments. Just go to the bottom and scroll up a bit and you'll see the duel of dictionaries I seem to be in. LOL!
Oh, you little rabble rousin' Bo'sun. Duelin' dictionaries at a hundred feet!
Ya can't score wit' rabid RWA haters.
It's the end a' the world! The sky is fallin'! The sky is fallin'!
She'll never work in this town again!
I managed to bring it back around and make nice. Once someone figured out what I was trying to say and helped me clear it up. The battle now continues to wage between others. LOL!
don’t you love how it’s completely necessary for heroes to disrobe to save you?
Note to self: Arrange to get saved more often!
Hellion I love your parodies. Honestly I wish that SNL had a contest, because you'd win. And then I could see your stuff performed live. I agree with Terri, you should be writing screenplays.
And we should rule the world. :)
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