A Request Fulfilled: The Query Letter
Two weeks ago, the Captain requested I share what I know about query writing after I stuck mine in my interview. I will capitulate. But first....
Two disclaimers:
1) I am not, in any way, shape, or form, an expert on this subject. I’m only giving you what I’ve been told by others.
2) Some of this is just my preference.
That said, here goes.
The Query Letter.
Most of the stuff I’ve read about query writing suggests a three paragraph format. I chose a four paragraph format and I’ll explain why in a second. Each paragraph serves a specific purpose.
Paragraph One: The hook
This paragraph is supposed to grab the attention of your agent/publisher. There are lots of suggestions on how to hook. One is the “high concept,” that mix of two pop culture knowns to create your own niche (Transformers meets Jane Eyre or whatever). Another is a hook line, a sort of situational one-liner that sets up your story. Some places suggest using a question, a sort of “Have you ever thought what would happen if…” kind of question. But I’ve read other places that say that questions aren’t as good for whatever reason. You pick what you like.
Paragraph Two (or in my case, Paragraphs Two and Three): The Summary
This is where you get to tell the reader what your story is about. The key here is to focus on the major conflicts, both external and internal. Focus on what motivates your characters.
I use two paragraphs here, one for the heroine and one for the hero. In any other genre besides romance, I think one paragraph works fine because usually there is only one main character’s journey. But romance is two characters. So I think it works best to split them up.
I like to keep it down to 3 sentences a paragraph. So a total of 6 sentences to say what you need to say, 3 for hero, 3 for heroine. Now I’ve read people’s queries who have more than this but that’s kinda where I try to stay. Less is more here.
Paragraph Three (Or Four in my case): The Biography
Here’s where you tell them about you. Mention organizations you belong to (RWA) and any other qualifications that make you the right person to write your book. Previous publications. Any contest finals or wins that you have.
A couple of other pieces of advice/suggestion:
· In this, the shorter the better. Never use two words when one will do the job. Agents and publishers are very busy people who see hundreds of these every week. It has to be concise and it has to have impact. Word choice is everything.
· Someone suggested that in the biography RWA is pretty much a given these days, though they still say to mention it. But as for chapters? The query workshop facilitator I’m currently working with says to keep it down to one, two tops.
· Try to get your voice in there. Remember, this might be the only thing the agent/publisher sees. Give them your best punch.
· Don’t forget to mention the specifics (ie the title, genre, and word count). I’ve seen people put it in the hook paragraph and I’ve seen it in the biography paragraph. I think it’s personal preference.
I think that’s all I’ve got for you.
I can offer to let us work through any issues today, if you all would like. The full query, the hook, the biography, whatever. As I mentioned, though, some of this is personal preference. There are just the guidelines. So, if you’ve got something you’d like some feedback with, have at it. If not, what about these general guidelines do you like? Do you dislike? Have you heard anything else that I didn’t mention here that you’d like to share? Thoughts on the query process overall?
Books by the Crew
62 comments:
After havin' me basic query critiqued in RT... I met the agent at the Nationals and asked if she'd mind me sendin' her the improved version. She still turned it down, but I thought it were better.
I gots more than the suggested paragraphs, but they be short ones... What da ya think?
In an alternate world, California is destroyed along with everything and everyone Miranda knows. A time traveling sexual witch, she is dependent upon the magical energy of physical intimacy for power. After the trauma of the quake, she time rides to the Caribbean of the 1690’s and lands in the clutches of pirate sorceress, Isabella de Leon.
Captain Jack Reynard plucks Miranda from the sea after she escapes from de Leon. Miranda fascinates him. Well known as a clever man who always finds the treasure, Reynard is more than willing to assist the witch in staying magically charged. Never one to overlook the opportunity for profit, Jack joins forces with Miranda to find the Orb of Transference before de Leon can seize it and use it to overthrow his world.
What starts as simple sex grows into much more than intended. Neither wants to lose the deepening bond, but Miranda never stays…and Jack only plays.
“A Caribbean Spell” is a romantic paranormal adventure, of approximately 85,000 words. It is the first in a series, though it can stand alone. Others in the series are completed.
Thanks to a life-long love of all things pirate and sea related I've participated in the annual pirate invasion of the Northern California Renaissance Faire for the past 10 years and wandered pirate festivals across the West. I'm an active member of RWA and its Monterey Bay chapter and have attended several writing workshops and classes. And I have an AA degree in Language and Literature from American River College , Sacramento .
I am also an invited blogger on the Romance Writers Revenge, an avid group of romance writers with a love of all things piratical. I live along the beautiful coast of Monterey Bay , with the Pacific a short stroll from my front door. I hope to see the Caribbean many times from the deck of a ship in the future.
If interested, the full manuscript is available for your review. I thank you for your consideration and look forward to hearing from you.
Oh, my friggin word! I just had a V8. This is why I've been doing everything and anything to keep from working on revisions. Once the revisions are done, I have to write a new query letter. The task is so daunting to me that I've even been doing *hand over mouth* dishes. I've played Soul Caliber with the kids, I've stayed up until the wee hours of the morning watching everything on demand. Damn it, Jim! Now that I know I have to face it.
Thank ye verra much, Marnee, now I'll have me some nightmares. *shivers*
Chance, I've read over your query. I see some places where it could use tightening. But never fear you're on the right ship. These pirates are brilliant. In the mean time, I'm going to look it over and make notes. Of course, you'll probably already have it perfected by the time I get back on (have to take dd to orthodontist 1hr drive each way).
Have fun. I can't wait to see what it looks like by the end of the day.
Marnee, this is an EXCELLENT breakdown.
I'd caution the use of questions (especially the what if variety) in the opening of your queries though.
Queries are very important. Not just for landing agents, but landing editors and then working with the publicity department at the publishing house. Even when asking other authors to quote your books, because you do have to tell them what it's about. I've used my query (the basis of the story part) for so many different things I've lost track. So take your time with it, hone it, make it shine, make it concise and make it stand out. You have to hook the reader (professionals) starting with the query.
Chance, the second and third last paragraphs are too long and can be tightened. Remember that it can't go over a page, even if you are doing the query and emails and there is not way to check page length. Also, try to use only the names of your hero and heroine in the query. That will help you cut down some words.
Marn, I think your advise of where you can use one word for two can be applied to the whole query.
I'm never getting published. Just so you know. I loathe commitment. They will see that when I query and say, "I currently don't participate with the world as most of it gives me hives."
Marn, this was really informational and well put together. Well done babe.
Marn, can't you just write my query letters for me? Pretty please. I'm asking you as your Captain.
It's hard to tell Hells no when she begs like that.
2nd: Although we're a fun and wily crew, I don't think part of your letter space should be wasted on mentioning the pirates, cool as we are. Mainly because at no point do you want an agent or editor going, "Who the hell are the RWR pirates?" You want them asking, "Wow, this is exciting! Will she send me more?" Agents and Editors would recognize RWA and other writing guilds, and official chapters. But we're not official. We're pirates.
Well, I hate just about everything about queries, but as a general rule, I've always thought it made sense to remember to mention something about the agent, publisher or market you are pitching to - - that little something that shows you considered why this manuscript fits for what they want. Butter them up a small measure beyond the obvious rule of making sure you're address it to the correct or editor and, heaven forbid, making sure you're spelling the agent/editor's name correctly.
Can you tell how enthused I am? LOL Queries make me angry. Hmm, probably not a good thing if you sound angry or resentful in your query. I think that's a good tip. :)
A common mistake I think I make is slightly confusing the query with the short synopsis or repeating the hook of the query in the hook of the synopsis. They are different, and thanks Marnee for your breakdown!
Oh! I forgot, but another rather obvious thing is if you've been lucky enough to establish a relationship, however small, to put that reminder in the query. That "I enjoyed meeting you at such and such..." I personally have a goal to have my next query to be some kind of follow-up. I think one of the hardest things about querying is that cold pitch.
I think that "why use two words when you can use one" rule could apply to the entire book. :)
Great blog, Marn, and thanks for sharing your expertise. The only thing I've heard that you don't mention is getting your voice in there. Which is so hard for me. I can write academic, professional, or conversational. But how do you write professional and keep that conversational feel? I know there's a way, but I haven't found it.
I have heard some authors don't always write their own queries. How do you all feel about that?
Chance - Two things come to mind upon reading your query. The first was a question as to whether Miranda was a time-traveling, sexual witch before California fell off. In fact, I think you could start with Miranda's introduction sentence and omit the Cali part completely.
Also agree with others on the references to pirates. You're trying to sell yourself as a writer, not as a pirate. This query would make me think Pirates is the only thing you'll write about and we both know you write awesome stuff that doesn't involve pirates at all.
I can see including a line like, "I also contribute to the group writing blog Romance Writers Revenge on a weekly basis." That tells them you're serious, you know something about writing, and you're building a reader base. But I wouldn't give any more than that.
I can see including a line like, “I also contribute to the group writing blog Romance Writers Revenge on a weekly basis.â€
Not to sound picky, but my thought on the word "contribute" is that it could be a little vague or could also mean to comment? Maybe a word like "host" or something that signifies being the author of the blog post? Or contributing host? Just a thought.
Sorry folks, I had some technical difficulties getting on the site this morning and then had to skip out for an appointment. I'm back now, I'll catch up....
:(
PS: I forgot to include my most recent query (though I swear I tweak the dang thing constantly.) So just to make sure I'm playing fair, here's mine. :)
A prophet’s visions started the demon rebellion she’s hell-bent to stop in THE KEY PROPHECIES. This dark paranormal romance, complete at 85,000 words, is Constantine meets The Bodyguard.
A decade ago, Sarah Jones’ predictions began a chain reaction that could allow demons to wipe out humanity. To stop her visions from becoming reality, she must beat the possessed humans hunting her to the Key of Solomon and destroy it before they can use it to free demons from hell. But when a man claiming to be an angel insists he can protect her from her hellish stalkers, she must decide if she can trust him with her nightmares even as she surrenders her heart.
Nik and his elite group of angelic warriors spend their immortality battling demons that prey on human souls. After a judgment lapse left his previous team dead, he allows nothing to distract him from his job—even his undeniable attraction to Sarah. But when she is kidnapped by demons and possessed, he’s forced to choose between saving the woman he has come to love and saving the world.
I am a member of Romance Writers of America and the Futuristic, Fantasy, and Paranormal chapter of RWA. THE KEY PROPHECIES was a finalist in the Fool for Love contest.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely
Me
Chance - I agree about leaving us off. :) Though we definitely are cool. I would definitely shorten your biographical information. What I've read says that unless it's pertaining to publishing credits, to leave it out. Though I do think the pirate ren. faire sounds cool.
A couple questions. Why does Miranda time jump? To escape her current reality? Is them trying to save Reynard's world the main conflict? Or is her needing to stay sexually charged up?
Awh, Renee, I didn't mean to freak you out. Honestly, I started writing my query even before I got very far in my book. Same as I write my synopsis first. It helps me to isolate my conflicts and my motivations.
The reason I'm telling you this is to express to you that I've been messing with my query letter (and synopsis) for over 6 months now. So, don't worry, you're not the only one who stressses this hard.
Tiff - thank you! :) I agree about concise being the best.
I personally prefer not using questions either. I never really heard a rhetorical question that had a whole lot of weight. Then again, it might just be me and that I don't ask good questions.
Sin - You are going to get published. Though I would leave that bit about the world giving you hives out of your query letter.... Just saying....
And thank you! I'm not sure how much good this whole blog was but Hellie asked and well, I'm always looking for blog topics.
Hellie - I'll help.... How's that?
I actually don't mind reading and helping other people with their queries. So anytime anyone needs help with their query, please feel free to email me. I'm not sure how much good my advice is, but I'm here. :)
Speaking of finding your conflict, Jenny Crusie posted a great blog about using the conflict box.
http://www.arghink.com/2009/10/20/conflict-box/
Melissa - I agree about trying to add something personal. Some places suggest to include if your book is like some of the people an agent already represents. And definitely, if you've met them somewhere, mention that too. :)
Ter - And don't use two words when one will do is good advice overall. You're right. :)
The whole getting your voice in there is hard. I think anyway. Because usually conversational speech uses more words than professional/academic writing/speech. So it definitely takes some finesse-ing.
I didn't say this was easy. :)
Thanks, crew. I'll work on this and get back. Need ta go pick up the dog...
Ter - thanks for the link! :)
You're welcome.
A piece of advice I'd gleaned from one of the many writing craft books I've read, is to grab a recording device (cell phone, old-school tape recorder, etc,) look in the mirror and tell your reflection about your book. (Kind of like the Elevator Pitch Theory.)
Hit on the most interesting points to keep 'their' attention, and show your excitement about the story. Do this a few times, then transcribe your thoughts, and coalesce the best sentences into query paragraphs.
Both queries posted are great, and just need minumum tweaking. Fascinating stories!
BTW - When I read the title of this blog, I thought it meant you sent a query and got accepted. Took me a minute to figure out the request bit. That was pre-coffee, obviously.
Funny enough, I don't freak out about having to write one of these, but I do freak out about this hook thing. I have NO hook. Not on this first book anyway. It looks more and more each day like this will be the one to spend eternity under the bed.
And that's okay. *sigh* As long as it teaches me how to write a better book.
Laura - thanks for your comments! :) The whole recording it sounds great! I should give that a try.
Ter - I wish that were the case! I haven't started querying seriously yet. I would imagine I'll start in the next couple weeks. I'm just finishing my latest round of revisions and I"m just finishing tweaking my synopsis and this letter. So we'll see how it goes.... I'll keep everyone posted, of course.
PS. Ter, not that this book is destined for the dust bunnies, but if it does, it's not the end of the world either. There are many many agented and published authors with one (or more) books under their bed. (And we know some of them). As long as it makes you better and as long as each book is better than the last, that's all that matters.
I know, Marn. And I really do look at it that way. I know too many authors who have LOTS of MSs under the bed and are top sellers now. But there's that lingering, "What if this is as good as I get?"
Which is an entirely different blog topic. LOL!
Thanks for the blog, Marnee. I need all the help I can get with a query letter.
I've been working on one for a couple of months now. It's good that I have time to rewrite and rewrite and rewrite and . . . Conciseness is always a problem for me.
I think getting critiques sometimes just creates more confusion. The "pitch" part of my query has been critiqued now by two multi-published authors. The first one said iighten and suggested how. I followed her advice. The second writer read the tightened pitch and said I should add the info the first said to cut. ?????
Also, in the bio section, should I mention publication in other fields--poems, essays, etc.? Or are they irrelevant? Since I'm writing Southern-set fiction, is it useful to know that my major academic area is Southern literature--or should I omit all references to education?
I feel as though I walking through this task with an eyepatch covering my dominant eye. It may look piratical, but it limits my vision.
Janga - Jessica Burkhart answered one of those questions recently. She said if you published in any way, shape or form, include it. So there's an answer for that.
No idea about the education stuff, but that's a great question. A query is a type of resume and it would seem education should be included if it pertains. I think one quick sentence couldn't hurt.
And I think I'll check out every agent blog I can find on this subject when the time comes. There's no way they'll all say the same thing, but that has to help. Plus, if you have a short list you really want to target, I'd narrow in on their submission preferences.
Bo'sun - you're so funny. You'll find a hook - keep the faith! What's the last sentence of your first chapter - the one that makes agents and editors want to keep reading? Start with that to create your book's hook.
I've never thought about that.
*checks email sent folder for first chapter, realizes she sends WAY too many email to Hellie*
Last sentence of first chapter is not so good. Bloody Hell.
That should be Jessica FAUST. LOL! Jessica Burkhart writes the Canterwood Crest books to which my Kiddo is addicted so I hear the name A LOT. LOL!
Sorry about that.
Marnee and Ter - I'm writing this first book like I know it will never be published - at least that's what I keep telling myself.
Taht just to write it becuase statistically most first books never see the light of day. My idea is to knock this one out so it's over with and I can move on to something better.
Now, I'm saying all that to myself to make me feel free to write whatever and to take the pressure off - secretly I'm hoping I'm writing THE book. LOL.
Thinking about it as being practice is helping me not be as hard on myself. :)
I've said it before, but writing seems to be the only thing I've found where people think you should get it right the first time. Most every other profession, you're expected to study and learn and try and practice. But writing should just happen.
Writing does NOT just happen. LOL!
I really am okay with this being the teaching book. I can live with that. At this point, just finishing the dang thing will be a huge accomplishment. And it does help that I know what I want to write next. :)
Ter - it's not as good as it gets. Practice makes perfect. (I learned that in soccer practice as a kid. Still serves the purpose today.)
Janga - Conciseness is something we ALL could use a little help with. LOL!
I agree about publications. Mention away.
As for education, I don't know about that either. You teach in higher education, correct? And if you teach something that relates to what you write, I might include it, at least a reference to it. But that might be me.
Ter - Canterwood Crest, huh? What is that?
Not to say that the second book is easy. Just that you can sort of understand how you write it better and understanding is half the battle.
Sabrina and Ter - I think anything that gets the first book out is good. After that you'll get a feel for "how" you write. I think that's the biggest key to some of this. Knowing where your weaknesses and strengths are. Knowing your process. The second book writes a lot easier. Trust me.
Canterwood Crest is a series of YA (ages 9 to 12 I think) books set in a private school. The main characters are all pre-teen girls who compete in equestrian sports. It's the perfect formula - girls, horses, boys, close quarters.
You wouldn't believe the drama. LOL! Kiddo is now counting how many kissing scenes she's read. Last night she hit the third and I think it's the fifth book in the series. The mean girls are very mean, best friends fight over boys. It's very realistic. :)
http://www.canterwoodcrest.com/
My second manuscript sold first (after a year of rewriting and resubmitting my first manuscript.) Then I rewrote my first ms, and sold that as a sequel to the second. Uh, was that confusing chatter, or what?
We know that our 50th manuscript will be amazing and perfect after the first draft, but don't give up on those manuscripts under the bed. I LOVE rewriting!
I wouldn't say that too loud, Laura. LOL! *whispers* Revising is not a beloved past time around here. But I'm with you, I actually enjoy that part.
Of course, the 50th book will be AMAZING. I'll hardly have to think about it at all.
UGH... Rewriting. Laura, don't say that too loud is right. I'm just finishing revisions/rewrites on my second MS now and I am just sick of rewriting.
LOL!
Though it wasn't as bad this time around as the last time so maybe I just overreact.
Who, me?
What’s the last sentence of your first chapter - the one that makes agents and editors want to keep reading? Start with that to create your book’s hook.
Laura, I hadn't thought of that. I like that idea. I checked on my current WIP and the last sentence is: He must be dead.
I could run with that. It is pretty much the hook of the whole book. Is he or isn't he? Thanks! (It didn't work at all for something else, but glad it works for this one.)
I'm definitely going to come back to this blog post when I get to the query stage!
Man, what a day! Me computer is bein' possessed. But I gots control...but fer how long?
Ya know, I wants ta include some a' the details of how I 'play' at pirate as a way to establish some pirate credentials. If'n I were writin' a Civil War historical and worked as a docent at Gettysburg, it would be relevent. So, I jus' needs ta figure out a way ta include some, but with more concise-on. Consicion? Uh...less words?
It were Jessica Faust who sliced and diced me in RT, but she were great 'bout it when I talked wit' her at the Nationals. How I sent the query in not knowin' it were for an article...and me CP were responsible...
Chance - If you were writing a non-fiction work about pirates, you'd definitely need pirate cred. But not for fiction, you need writing cred. And the query needs to be 99% about the story anyway. You can certainly leave it, it's your query. But I think it would be more of a distraction than anything else.
Hmmmm. Ya think? How 'bout if I can get it down to like, one sentence about knowin' pirates... I was thinkin' from a marketin' perspective, it would be helpful ta know I am a "player."
2nd: do you mean actual "role-playing" pirates or do you mean us? Because I can't tell you how many blogs and articles I've read from agents and editors where they say, "I don't care about your blog, so don't mention it." They actually sorta consider the blog a distraction from your actual writing.
I can't imagine where this attitude comes from. *coughs*
I think after you get the agent is the time to mention your blog, so that way they know you're branding your name out there and stuff.
I agree with Terri: the query should mostly be about the book.
Well, not just the blog. I play pirate at Ren Faires, pirate festivals... But I get it. I'll play it down. I jus' figured since the book is about pirates...it would be a nice bit ta include. I'll see what I can do wit' this letter...
OK, how is this...shorter, more concise, none a' me playing. Sigh.
In an alternate world, California is destroyed along with everything Miranda knows. After the trauma of the quake, her latent talent as a time traveling sexual witch becomes active. She time rides to the Caribbean of the 1690’s and lands in the clutches of pirate sorceress, Isabella de Leon.
Captain Reynard plucks the witch from the sea after she escapes from de Leon, and is fascinated. Well known as a clever man who always finds the treasure, Reynard is more than willing to assist the witch in staying magically charged. He joins forces in the struggle to find the Orb of Transference before de Leon can seize it and use it to overthrow his world.
What starts as sex for the sake of magic grows into much more than intended. Neither wants to lose the deepening bond, but Miranda never stays…and Reynard only plays.
I’m an active member of RWA and its Monterey Bay chapter, along with the online RWA chapter, Futuristic, Fantasy and Paranormal. I have attended several writing workshops and classes. I have an AA degree in Language and Literature from American River College, Sacramento.
If interested, the full manuscript is available for your review. A Caribbean Spell is a completed paranormal romance of approximately 85k. I thank you for your consideration and look forward to hearing from you.
And I totally think you should call it a Romantic Adventure, but that's just me.
Much better, Chance. Very to the point but retaining your voice. The only thing I'd tweak is the paragraph that starts with Captain Reynard. I think starting with that statement that Miranda escapes the villain only to land in the more desirable clutches of Captain XX Reynard. (I can't remember his name but I think you need his full name.)
Then you need to tie the "sex turns into more" para into the conflict. A smooth transition into how the relationship either hinders, aids, or is aided by the conflict.
Hey, Marn, you didn't freak me out too bad. It was a good thing, really it was. Now I know why I'm not working as hard as I know I could be.
Terri, I tell you what, I love writing hooks. I'll writing your hook and you write my query. :) jj
Melissa shot me a message via FB. The blog won't let her log on and she came up with some brilliant twists and ways to say what I said, but with less words...
When Captain Jack Reynard plucks a beauty from the Caribbean Sea, he’s found a treasure that surpasses all pirate bounty. For Miranda, a time traveling sexual witch dependent upon the magical sexual energy of physical intimacy for power, is in need of his assistance in a way he can certainly oblige. But Miranda never stays…and Jack only plays. She has traveled from the future to his world of 1692 in search of the Orb of Transference from the pirate sorceress, Isabella de Leon. Never one to overlook the opportunity to profit, the pirate captain is more than willing to assist again, both with her quest and with her need to stay magically charged. In the process, their bond grows and challenges them both to hold on to their “Caribbean Spell.”
“A Caribbean Spell” is a romantic adventure, of approximately 85,000 words. It is the first in a series, though it can stand alone. Others in the series are completed.
She did good, didn't she!
I tweaked it a little...but thank you, Melissa! Hopefully the blog stuff will straighten out, because yeah, things are dicey today.
Melissa did great. But now I'm worried about what is wrong with the site. Hmmmm.......
Kudos to you, Chance, for being the only one to share today. (Besides Marn, but she kind of had to.)
Renee - You're on!!!
I just clicked something in the settings I'm hoping will take care of the commenting problem tomorrow. We'll see if it gets better.
Looks good, Bo'sun. Maybe others wanted ta comment, but couldn't...?
Testing. . .
Yay! It worked but I'm also logged in so I don't know if that makes a difference.
I seriously need this post tagged so it's easy to reference.
The comment box is back...yay!
Happy you liked it, Chance. It's all your thoughts, just rearranged. It's sometimes easier for different eyes to take a look and I didn't have those 85,000 words in my head. :)
And I have to say. . .
When Captain Jack Reynard plucks a beauty from the Caribbean Sea, he’s found a treasure that surpasses all pirate bounty.
this is much, much stronger. It makes me curious and want to pay attention, not skim through.
Yeah, it's sneaky and sounds like me! Melissa is my evil twin... Or she might be the good one...
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