Friday, March 29, 2013

Respect the Monsters

I tell you, it’s hard to get respect in this world. Especially if you’re an old fashioned monster.
Take me, for example. I am the terrible, feared KRAKEN. I eat ships! I tower above the mast of any sent against me! I answer to no one! Not Davy Jones! Not Zeus! Not 2nd Chance! (as delicious as inner critics taste. )

I am not an albino matchmaker, though I could be if I wanted.

I do not manufacture rum. (Though it isn’t a bad idea and I need to look into copyright infringement with that brewery…)

Really, the modern world does terrible things to monsters. Vampires that sparkle… good god. It’s enough to break my heart. If I had just one.

One monster seems to be holding his own, and that is my good frienemy, Cthulhu. Mad apocalyptic god, who dwells in the deepest part of the sea, waiting to rise again and feast on the souls of men. 

Now, some treat him with respect, even composing this wonderful diddy…
Song of Cthulhu 

Where’s my song? (Sigh.)

Others stick their hands up the backside of a puppet and create a radio call in host. At least he gets to be his temperamental self here.

Calls for Cthulhu

And now? That author who claims to have tamed me with inner critics (any of those on deck today? I’m a bit hungry…) *snags a stiff grammarian trying to duck behind the wheel

Excuse me. Delish!

So, the author alter ego of 2nd Chance has penned a new story, featuring two male descendants of Cthulhu and a woman carrying the blood of those tarts, the Sirens. I’ve mind melded with Maureen, which is why I’m writing this. (She’s drooling all over the keyboard…lovely.) I’ve read this short story. Personally, I have a problem with the ending. I’d have let them…oh, nudge from Maureen not to give the ending away. Fine. I’ll humor her.

Here’s an excerpt, the men are setting up at Steampunk convention, hoping to find the one woman who can help them remain sane and handle the strength of their passion… Unknown to them, she’s in the room. Instincts try to take control… (Personal note, would have been more interesting if they’d truly lost control and eaten everyone. My idea of a HEA…)
His nostrils caught the perfume of something different. Spicy, with a hint of dry driftwood, it wafted in the air and he froze. Damn, what the hell was that? He started at a sharp rap on the table. “Fuck.”
“Get up here!” A kick arrived with the plea.
He rose, rubbing his head, to find Jerrod snatching up a pair of goggles and sliding them on.
“What the hell?”
“My eyes. I can’t—” His kinsman turned his back on the nearly empty room. “I smelled something odd and—”
“Okay, okay. Sit and—”
“Get me the hell out of here!”
Jerrod gripped his arm tightly, head turned so Nicholas could glimpse the shadow of the change on his cheek bones.
Nicholas didn’t think. He wrapped his arms around his cousin and pulled him down to the shadow of the table. Lowering a hand, he gripped the steel-rod erection he knew he’d find beneath the loose pants.
Holding the rigid cock, he whispered, “I smelled her, too. She’s out there. You just have to be stealthy. Be the monster who stalks. Blend in. We’ll find her.”
The hollow echo of the deepest crevasse of the ocean reverberated against Nicholas’s bones in the low voice.
“Yeah, we’re gonna find her, and we’re gonna fuck her, and this time, we aren’t going to hold back.”
So, these two men carry the contagion of Cthulhu in their blood and only the Siren, Lorelei, can save them. (Stupid tart.)

I give this story 8 Tentacles. It misses ten because it has a HEA.

I think I would have been the better monster to star in this story, but then again, I’d never keep company with a siren…

What monster would you cast in a romance?


Maureen said...

I have such a headache...and the oddest taste in my mouth... I need to write that blog...


Terri Osburn said...

I can't imagine what it must be like living in that head of yours.

Do dragons count as monsters? That's the only one that's coming to mind. Like the dragon in Shrek that becomes a doting mom. I could write something sweet like that, but I know sweet and monster don't typically go together.

Congrats on the new release!

MsHellion said...

Well, I can see the similarities. I've been on dates with men who I thought must have at least 8 hands.

If Fallen Angels don't count as monsters (and I'm sensing they do not), then demons. I would cast a demon as a character in my book. And I don't mind shapeshifters too much either; I could probably handle a werewolf or someone who turned into a cat. (No snakes though.)

Maureen said...

Terri - Yes, dragons count. Though I don't think my mind has anything like putting together a donkey and a dragon...

Maureen said...

Men with eight hands could come in ... handy ... if you had other things that needed doing!

Yes, demons are monsters and I seem to remember Christopher Walken portraying a monster of an angel, fallen or not!

MsHellion said...

They only come in handy if they know what to do with their hands to begin with. DH is good with his 8 hands. I've been on many dates where they weren't. *LOL*

Maureen said...


Maureen said...

My word, a little bit of slime on the deck and the pirates all jump overboard. I'll show them! This stuff is actually quite nutritious and adds a real kick to the drinks...

P. Kirby said...

*Sniffs indignantly.* Dragons aren't monsters. They are just misunderstood fauna, like wolves and bats and some of my other favorite maligned creatures. Of course they eat people; we're tasty, the other white meat.

What krakens are to Maureen, dragons are to me. They are one of my totem animals, along with wolves. I've got dragon stuff all over the house.

Honestly, I think humans are the scariest monsters out there. We are capable of unspeakable cruelty, made all the worse by the fact that we should know better.

I take it Lorelei's song is the naughty tentacle story you mentioned on FB? Congrats on the new release!

Maureen said...

My sis screamed about that, too. But come on, some dragons are monsters. Smaug, for example. I mean, krakens are monsters. I embrace the monster in my totem... It's what makes me special!

And a bit insane.

Hey, the Song of Cthulhu at work and freak out the Christians...

P. Kirby said...

Smaug was misunderstood. History, I remind you, is told by the victor, in this case the stupid, greedy dwarves. ;)

I always root for the dragon.

As you probably know, I work in a church. I should swap out a hymn in the worship bulletin for Song of Cthulhu.

Maureen said...

Bwah ha ha!