Friday, February 24, 2012

On Jury Duty Excuses...

Do you think this might work?

I got called up for jury duty this past week. I spent a crazy weekend worrying about it because I had some major projects due at work this week and I'm still trying to get the edits on ADULTERER'S GUIDE done.

It's not that I don't want to do it. Au contrare - I'd love to serve on a jury. Just not this week. Or maybe, ever if I'm always this busy. What struck me as interesting was all the excuses people gave me for trying to get out of jury duty. It's definitely something a writer enjoys - coming up with a lie and a back story to make that lie seem plausible.

Here is what I've come up with for the future (I didn't have to serve after all, but a pirate's got to be prepared, right?):

  • "The kidnapped man I have chained in my basement might starve if I'm not there to feed him." (This one is particularly effective if you have duct tape, are wearing rubber gloves and have a roll of condoms in your purse)

  • "What are all these chickens doing in here?!" (I'd recommend dressing as a chicken too - just to give it that extra something - although this may backfire and you might have to sit through a trial in a hot, sweaty chicken suit)

  • "My name is J.K. Rowling." (Have 20 copies of The Sorcerer's Stone on hand and give them to your fellow jurors. Sign each one, Dumbledore dies and Snape killed him, Love, Jo.)

  • "Did you know there are still some of us who still follow Charlie Manson?" (You can't just say 'Manson' or the young kids today will think you're talking about Marilyn Manson. Carry a bunch of forks with you for the added gravitas)

  • Wear dark glasses and have a giant python on a leash. Insist he's your Seeing Eye Snake. If challenged, loudly shout, "You BASTARDS! Why do you hate disabled people?"

That's all I've got. What can you come up with?

The Assassin


TerriOsburn said...

For weeks we don't blog and now we keep putting up 2 a day. Nice.

I have never been called for jury duty but I am loving these excuses. I'll have to have a cup of coffee before I can come up with my own. LOL!

Maureen said...

I love the no-excuse, excuse. I always get picked! Until the last time. It was down to the wire, I was the twelve juror...the prosecutor had given a nod...the judge asked the defense attorney and he looked at all of us... "Juror number twelve, without prejudice."

I don't know what it means, 'without prejudice' but I about jumped to my feet, fist in the air and sashayed outta that courtroom.

I still don't know what I did, or how I looked...but it were perfect.

Later, my therapist said she would have written an excuse for me, that sitting on a jury, especially the sort this one was, would have been injurous to my therapy... That would have been a good excuse!

JulieJustJulie said...

I LOVE the Seeing Eye snake one!
Umm lets seeeeee … go to jury duty dressed in a latex body suit draped in chains, high high heeled stilettos, and have a riding crop dangling from one hand. Accidently on purpose stomp your stiletto heel into the court bailiff’s foot and purrrrrrr ‘I hear your guys are looking to dole out some justice. I’m verhah good at doling out just-us. I have one rule though … I’m in charge …. aaaand everybody’s guilty.”
Of course you might get arrested. The good news is? You get out of jury duty.

Scapegoat said...

I've never been called in for jury duty, but it's probably because I would love to do it. Although, no one in their right mind would ever pick me for a jury.

The hubby has been called numerous times and he never wants to do it. He's gotten out of it every time with the same line.

Both times the defense attorney asks the jury canidates how they feel about a psycologist husband seeing his way out of it says...I think it's a pseudo science. He's immediately dismissed. Now, he doesn't really feel that way, but he knows that's the golden ticket out of there. :)

TerriOsburn said...

I love that Chance's therapist would have written her a note. Seems like simply saying, "My therapist will have to write me a note if you pick me" would be enough to get you out of it. Out of anything, really. LOL! Would work for a guy asking for a date as well. LOL!

Since we're pirates, what about showing up at the courthouse is full pirate gear and refusing to speak in anything but pirate? They can't arrest you and if they pick you anyway, you can have fun AARGHing at the other jurors until they ask to have you removed.

TerriOsburn said...

BTW - Tomorrow is Hellie's birthday.

Happy Birthday, Captain!

Janga said...

I don't know if it's only in Georgia, but here you can be excused from jury duty if you're over 70. I'm thinking claiming premature aging of body and mind might work and on days like today not be much of a stretch. I feel 100.

I've been called several times. The first several times my principal was able to get me excused. Every other time the case has been settled and the jury dismissed.

Scapegoat said...

Happy early birthday Hellie!

MsHellion said...

Okay, I have to say I *ADORE* the snake lie, hilarious, but I would totally be the one who does the JK Rowling one. Complete with fake wig and fake British accent.

I got picked once, right when I first qualified for jury duty, but halfway as we were deliberating, the guilty party struck a deal. (Okay, it looked like he was guilty and he did strike a deal....)

The second time I sat through picking which took ALL DAY, I did not get picked (thank god), but I don't think anyone did. I think he struck a deal or something again, but it took until after 5 pm for him to make this decision. Seriously?

MsHellion said...

Thanks guys! The yoga I did on Wednesday is really kicking my ass today. I'm glad I'm seeing the masseuse today. *LOL* And I plan to see a few stores as well, just for the retail therapy as well. Just because. :)

Maureen said...

Tomorrow's your birthday! Happy birthday to you! Yeah for retail therapy. I was thinking of a trip to my Macys for some lime green earrings. I have a pair, but I don't like them a whole lot and I think I can find better.

Until this last time, I ALWAYS got picked to sit jury. Once I was at the courthouse, I was on it. If I got to stay at home and call in, sometimes I wasn't... And both times the guys were GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!

Not that all my fellow jurors agreed. We finally won the hold out over on the first, the second we compromised...

JulieJustJulie said...

Ooh Happy birthday to you toooo, Hellion!

P. Kirby said...

Reminds me of that episode of 30 Rock where Liz says she keeps an upstate New York address because it's easier to get out of jury. Apparently, in the quaint little town where she's registered, all it takes to get out of jury duty is to show up dressed as Princess Leia. Anyway, then Liz's assistant "helpfully" changes her address to New York City. Soon after, Liz gets called for jury duty, in NYC. She shows up in her costume to find that pretty much everyone there is trying some variant of the scam. I think there are two other Leias. She promptly was placed on a jury, costume and all.

Anyway, Happy Birthday, Hellion!

TerriOsburn said...

I'm like Scape, I want to have jury duty. But it never happens. I did get a letter in December saying I could be picked "some time this year". Well, that narrows it down. No idea if I'll ever get called. I've been a registered voter in four states over 22 years and nothing. WTH??

Pat - That's hysterical! LOL!

Janga - You are not that old! Though I totally agree older citizens should get a pass. They've earned it.

Leslie Langtry said...

Sorry guys! I called in sick today and decided to take a little nap and JUST NOW woke up!


Second - 2 blogs? Did I screw up...again? Sorry!

Third - I've been called up 3 times now and each time they've settled. I've always loved the idea of a seeing eye snake. I think people would definitely leave you alone.

You guys have great excuses! Someone at work told me to say I kill people for a living - and to leave out that it's in books.

TerriOsburn said...

You didn't screw up. Just a mix up with the shorter month.

Your coworker is right. You wouldn't be lying! Just omitting one minor detail.

You must have really needed that nap. :)

Leslie Langtry said...

Apparently, I did. A 5.5 hour nap. Middle age sucks.

Janga said...

Ter, age is a state of mind, or so I hear. If that's true, some days I'm sixteen. Today I'm 100 and aging fast. Truthfully, every day I'm too young to use the over 70 claim for a jury pass.