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Monday, May 17, 2010
Purple People Eater Need Not Apply
DISCLAIMER: This blog is not appropriate for those under….I don’t know….13 maybe? Anyway, proceed with caution (especially to the comments.)
As most of you know, I’ve been sailing through the first draft of my current WIP on a hard deadline for the end of the month. Most of you also know I’ve never made it to the end of a full-length MS before. In fact, I’ve never made it past page one hundred before.
This means I’d never written the middle, or the sex scenes, the black moment, or, of course, a HEA. By some miracle, the middle didn’t really sag and now that the black moment is about to break, the angst levels are through the roof. Love me some angst.
The part I was really dreading was writing the sex scene. Which turned into “scenes” plural, but that’s another blog. The big bang didn’t happen for my characters until more than 250 pages in. Since I have much to add to the front in revisions, that means it’ll end up well past 250 in the final product.
This means pressure, and not just on my poor characters’ anatomies. This scene had better be good. This is the pay off the reader has been hanging around for. All the tension and interrupted make-out sessions led to this moment. There could be no premature page turning. No “and we’re kissing and we’re kissing some more and oh look it’s the next morning” trickery. (I read a book like that once. Very upsetting.)
So I buckled down, charged through all my insecurities, fought the performance anxiety, and wrote sex for two days. And then, I sent it off to Chance and Hellie for some feedback. Thankfully, Hellie had nothing but good things to say. I’m pretty sure she kept her real opinions to herself, and she’ll never know how much I appreciated that.
But Chance had one demand. NAME IT! You see, my book is a single-title contemporary. Straight forward, as mainstream as you can get. And it’s generally sweet. Not in the Inspy way, I could never pull that off, but there’s not a lot of cursing. No shock factor. It was important for the sex scenes to blend with the rest of the story. I couldn’t jump from sweet to *beep* and her biting his *beep* or him *beeping* her *beep*.
I just couldn’t do it.
As writers, we hear time and time again NOT to write the purple prose. But when I think of purple prose, I think Historicals. I think of “his sword sheathed in her throbbing petals of love” or “her weighty orbs yearned for his languishing touch.” (I have never read either of these lines in a book, but you get the idea.) The point is, I never equate purple prose with contemporaries.
That’s where you guys come in. (NO pun intended. Squick.) Put on your thinking caps, use your imagination, and bring out the big euphemism guns. What would you call Hero’s Little Hero in a contemporary novel? Not an erotica, there’s really one good one for that sort of story and I think we all know what it is. In fact, don’t we have a drink using that one?
As most of you know, I’ve been sailing through the first draft of my current WIP on a hard deadline for the end of the month. Most of you also know I’ve never made it to the end of a full-length MS before. In fact, I’ve never made it past page one hundred before.
This means I’d never written the middle, or the sex scenes, the black moment, or, of course, a HEA. By some miracle, the middle didn’t really sag and now that the black moment is about to break, the angst levels are through the roof. Love me some angst.
The part I was really dreading was writing the sex scene. Which turned into “scenes” plural, but that’s another blog. The big bang didn’t happen for my characters until more than 250 pages in. Since I have much to add to the front in revisions, that means it’ll end up well past 250 in the final product.
This means pressure, and not just on my poor characters’ anatomies. This scene had better be good. This is the pay off the reader has been hanging around for. All the tension and interrupted make-out sessions led to this moment. There could be no premature page turning. No “and we’re kissing and we’re kissing some more and oh look it’s the next morning” trickery. (I read a book like that once. Very upsetting.)
So I buckled down, charged through all my insecurities, fought the performance anxiety, and wrote sex for two days. And then, I sent it off to Chance and Hellie for some feedback. Thankfully, Hellie had nothing but good things to say. I’m pretty sure she kept her real opinions to herself, and she’ll never know how much I appreciated that.
But Chance had one demand. NAME IT! You see, my book is a single-title contemporary. Straight forward, as mainstream as you can get. And it’s generally sweet. Not in the Inspy way, I could never pull that off, but there’s not a lot of cursing. No shock factor. It was important for the sex scenes to blend with the rest of the story. I couldn’t jump from sweet to *beep* and her biting his *beep* or him *beeping* her *beep*.
I just couldn’t do it.
As writers, we hear time and time again NOT to write the purple prose. But when I think of purple prose, I think Historicals. I think of “his sword sheathed in her throbbing petals of love” or “her weighty orbs yearned for his languishing touch.” (I have never read either of these lines in a book, but you get the idea.) The point is, I never equate purple prose with contemporaries.
That’s where you guys come in. (NO pun intended. Squick.) Put on your thinking caps, use your imagination, and bring out the big euphemism guns. What would you call Hero’s Little Hero in a contemporary novel? Not an erotica, there’s really one good one for that sort of story and I think we all know what it is. In fact, don’t we have a drink using that one?
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167 comments:
Yes, I wanted her to name it. And generally, I'm not all that great at euphamisms... did I spell that right? But I'll give it a shot.
He's a baseball player, or was a baseball player. Relief pitcher? The big bat?
Now he's a coach... Nah, can't see one that way.
Back to the game...
He hit a line drive! He hit a home run! Triple play!
I do like slid into home...
Scored with teacher!?
But Chance had one demand. NAME IT!
Yah gotta love Chance. She says it like it is! So why don't you say ot like it is, Terri? Just call it a cock.
Ahem... Well....
Let's see. First of all, I think the language depends on the character. A virginal heroine/hero isn't going to use any C words. Someone from a very reserved/conservative background isn't going to think of their nether regions in porn star terms. For example, in my current MS, my heroine is a bit more straightforward with the language about body parts. But she's a mistress/prostitute.
I think that sex scenes can equate reality. And though I know many people name the equipment their using during these situations--verbally or in their heads--many don't. I mean, the "equipment" isn't separate of the person it's attached too. So too much P- this, C- that, or D- the other thing can take the realism out of a scene, at least for a great many people (ie women).
So, I try to walk the line as best as I can. I'm pretty explicit about what is happening. But I try not to throw in too many words that make adolescent boys giggle.
slid into home…
This is a Very good euphamisms btw.
Man, I thought I read for typos. Not so much, huh? There's a their=they're in there. And there's a too=to.
"slid into home" good one Jules.
One of my favorite words in the world is cock. Though mostly used in its derogatory state of cocksucker (ie: You are such a cocksucker.) I still like to break it out when I'm writing sex.
I can't really remember how to write a sex scene, oh the horrors. I haven't written one in forever.
First person POV in sex I think is a little easier because I don't have to sit back to think about if I want to be in his POV or hers, or the camera guy in the background. I'm usually in FP POV through her eyes and as a woman, I can't say I've ever narrated to myself that he slid his cock into me.
Though, now I'm tempted to narrate. That could be hilarious.
How about
His Aaaaaah Rod
His Hall of Famer
His Pitcher’s Mound
Chance said “slid into home”, SIN. I wishhhhh that I had said it first!
Ter, I'm deep in thought now. I want to be able to give you some advice today. I must think on this and come back.
LOL. Oh well, Chanceroo is awesome.
Sorry I'm late! Had to take the car to the doc for some upkeep.
2nd - We are not naming the act, remember. LOL! We're naming the appendage. But if he yelled "SCORE!" at the right moment, that WOULD be hysterical. LMAO!!!
Julie - Unfortunately, cock is totally out of character for my story. I have another story, an erotic romance, and I throw cock in there quite often. In all ways implied by that sentence. ;)
Wouldn't that be HER pitcher's mound? LOL!
I think I read a Dear Author blog about sex scenes recently. I think they asked if readers skim the sex scenes. And I admit, I have skimmed some. So had a lot of commenters. Sometimes it's because the explicit terms take me out of the story, especially when they're inappropriate for the characters.
The commenters said that some of the reasons why they skim is because the sex in books doesn't seem realistic to them. That the sex in books isn't familiar with their own sex. I must admit that the spontaneous orgasm upon penetration (with little-no foreplay) definitely drags me right out of the story. I know, TMI, but I've never experienced this and I've never met a woman (of the circle of friends I would actually talk about this stuff with) who has experienced this. So if this sort of thing is like alligators in the sewer, the author might as well have inserted a pink unicorn into the middle of the bedroom. It would have been just as realistic.
Marn - I do include details, definitely don't dance past the act. But it's more about how what is happening makes them feel rather than exactly what they are doing.
How about his Major Leaguer ?
Then you could write something like “His Major Leaguer stepped up to the Mound.” LOL
Call me, Marnee. We'll umm ... talk.
About verbal forplay.
"His Pitcher’s Mound" is in reference to how well he fills out his jeans.
I am happy to report there are no instant orgasms with little or no foreplay. But, I will say there is an early happy ending for the heroine as a) it's been a long time since she's gotten any and b) they've basically been doing the mental foreplay for days, maybe weeks. One of those "she knows it's going to happen and has been thinking about it happening for way too long not to be pretty dang primed well ahead of time" things.
Make sense? We need to remember, there still has to be an element of fantasy here.
You're welcome, Bo'sun, though you're not nearly as bad at writing as you seem to suggest in your blog. I harass you about the man-jewelry, of course, but only because that's fun to do. You haven't done that in years.
I think of your stuff more in line--shelved near--Jennifer Crusie, SEP, Nora, contemp Linda Lael Miller, etc. I've read quite a few books of these authors (except for Nora because I'm apparently the odd one here), and they all seem to convey very hot sex scenes without name-dropping. One of my favorite SEP sex scenes is in SEP's What I Did For Love, and they're in the porn shop, trying on clothing and they fool around in the dressing room. HOT...and no name-dropping. It was C-this or D-that...and what I find with name-dropping is if you start name-dropping for one, you have to name-drop for the other--and I have not found a name for the Vajayjay I even like *reading*, let alone using.
Mainstream mass-market fiction, I believe, on the whole does not name-drop body parts. If that is what you're writing, then stick to the code. If you want to write to more of a niche like erotica or romantica, e-publishing seems more comfortable with name-dropping, etc--then yes, you should probably find a pair of names and start using them.
In the end though, these stories are not about the sex and it makes me upset when we get hung up about what we need to call stuff because I think it's taking away from characters and STORY.
My rant aside, I think *some* men have personal nicknames for their stuff, like "bits and twigs", "bait and tackle", "bat and balls"--whatever...and sure, I can see the cocky ballplayer referring to his equipment as "His Hall of Famer"--(I'll assume he wouldn't want to name his equipment after another ballplayer)--but this is so juvenile...and insecure...would a guy who is trying to present his best front ever tell the woman he likes what he calls stuff? Really?
I mean I have nicknames for my tits, but I'm not sharing those names with Deerhunter. Maybe I'm secretive, but I figure he's got enough to laugh at me about with adding to it on purpose.
I must admit that the spontaneous orgasm upon penetration (with little-no foreplay) definitely drags me right out of the story.
*sarcastic Whew!* Man, I'm so glad I'm not the only one who hasn't experienced this! I hate these kind of scenes. They're so crazy. I've stopped reading books that have been this stupid. This is why I prefer the Eloisa James approach. *LOL* Bad sex first, good sex later.
Lisa Kleypas always has great sex, but she has so much foreplay going on, you figure there better be great sex to follow. *LOL* I don't mind reading hers.
LOL Jules! :)
I'm talking about those scenes we've all read where they see each other across the room, they run into an alley or something, and in the middle of the first kiss, the guy's inside her and she orgasms. Especially if it happens in the first chapter or few.
Hellie - I've never heard the "bits and twigs" or "bait and tackle." LOL! That's too funny. I've only known two men who actually gave their buddies names, one was George and one was Jake. Neither makes you want to ask for their phone numbers, do they?
I just call the girls the girls and haven't named them. But kiddo has named hers, which cracks me up, because they are Rhonda and Larry. I keep telling her since they are a boy and a girl, one of these days they are going to reproduce and she'll end up with a third boob.
(I should probably clarify--my sarcastic Whew about not experiencing "this" refers to "not experiencing spontaneous orgasm upon penetration", not the drags me out of the story part.) This is why you shouldn't use pronouns if the noun you're referring to isn't clear.
they see each other across the room, they run into an alley or something, and in the middle of the first kiss, the guy’s inside her and she orgasms.
SHOOT! The DH swore to me that it was to dark in that alley for anyone to see us!
Marn - I'm totally with you. I think one of the benefits of writing contemps is that the heroine doesn't have to be an inexperienced virgin. Not that all historical heroines are, but the prevalance (sp?) is there.
I did write the first part of the sex scene from the hero's POV and that took longer to write. I really didn't know how to write what he was feeling. I mean, grunting and "Aaaaaaahhhhh" didn't seem all that romantic.
I always think it's odd when they give actual names to their equipment. I mean 80% of their decisions comes from the South, and now if they have to blame anyone, they have a name. "George did it. It's George's fault!" As if they don't claim enough responsibility as it is.
I usually call them "the girls" as well. Though I have occasionally said, "The horses have bolted the corral." But when I was younger I called them Hoss and Little Joe, because, obviously, one was smaller than the other. Though considering the humbleness of my chestline, I probably should have called them Adam and Little Joe.
Julie - How many times do we have to tell you there are cameras everywhere?!
*stumbles in*
Wow, haven't we been busy here this morning!
I haven't finished my first cup of coffee, so I'm not sure I have anything to add. I do agree with Marn, the language used will be what the character would use. Is she shy? Bold? Crazy like the rest of us here? :) That'll help determine the terminology.
Okay, back to the caffeine. I'm just gonna sit here and listen! LOL
I meant to say this earlier, but Sin, you must narrate now. And report back. My first thought is that might kill the mood when you take him by surprise. But upon furthering pondering, I've changed my mind. That's got to be close to dirty talk, right? Yeah, you must report back. LOL!
Jules - I almost missed the mound clarification. I do see where you were going with that. But I'm so used to referring to that as the package, I didn't catch on.
Donna - That's exactly what I thought. This heroine isn't cursing or raunchy or any kind of a hell cat. It would be totally out of character for her to suddenly start talking like a Dominatrix, ya know?
Bo'sun, can you work that aspect of her into the scene? If it's in her POV, she can even think how she doesn't know how to describe it, him, what they're doing.
I always like the characters to acknowledge what could potentially be a reader criticism -- get it out there beforehand, so it defuses it. LOL
The trickiest sex scenes I've done is the 1st person POV -- probably because it does feel like I'm narrating or something. If so, I need to add one of those warnings: "Any mistakes here are the fault of the author's unexpected celibate spell." LOL
“Any mistakes here are the fault of the author’s unexpected celibate spell.”
ROTFLMAO
Please put that in the dedication or the forefront of the novel.
“Any mistakes here are the fault of the author’s unexpected celibate spell.”
HAHAHHAA!!!
I think some wording is explicit without being "raunchy." Like erection or core or folds. And wetness or heat. All very explicit, especially when arranged in specific ways, but not stuff that makes me feel like suddenly I've left mainstream and hit Rated-X.
Donna - Excellent idea. I'll have to go back and see if that fits somewhere. And don't you hate those unexpected celibate spells? The expected ones I can handle...
Though honestly, if we'd just lower our standards, I'm guessing we could end these spells. LOL! There are bars all over town both here and there.
Marn - I do throw heat around a lot. But it's more the heat pouring off them and the whole situation and okay I probably used that one too much. Huh.
Wet makes sense. I mean, we notice when we're wet. We get rained on, we think, "I'm wet." Makes sense.
I can't run with folds. My brain goes straight to laundry and there is nothing sexy about laundry.
Please put that in the dedication or the forefront of the novel.
Yikes, maybe in the back, where they put those "little known historical fact" things, so it doesn't ruin your enjoyment of the story knowing things like this ahead of time!
There are bars all over town both here and there.
No lie there. I could have ended my celibate spell and I was only on vacation. Though I'm convinced it's easier to find nookie on vacation than in your own backyard.
Bo'sun, you're probably right about lowering our standards -- and we could justify it by saying, "I'm doing this for my BOOK!"
But then I want to make sure they have the minimum proficiency, ya know? Like a driver's license kind of thing or some kind of certification card they can show me. ("Ahh, I see you've just obtained your master level. Well, let's give this a go then.") LOL
But then I want to make sure they have the minimum proficiency, ya know?
I still prefer your standard of "You have to be this tall to ride this ride."
One of the most memorable contemporary sex scenes I’ve read recently was in Julie James’s Something About You. My guess is that the level of heat in SAY is comparable to your writing, Terri. The book is filled with sexual tension and a few scenes that are interrupted before they become more than steamy making out. The consummation occurs fifty to sixty pages before the end of the book—lots of detail, emotional and physical, but no naming of parts. :) No purple prose either. I think she may use “shaft” once. But the lack of names—clinical, personal, or pornographic—detracts not one iota from the scene’s sizzle factor.
I type so slowly that by the time I join the conversation, it no longer is the conversation. LOL
Marn – I do include details, definitely don’t dance past the act. But it’s more about how what is happening makes them feel rather than exactly what they are doing.
This packs more of a punch than all the naughty words thrown in, IMHO. I may be in the minority here but I don't think you need to name it. I'm with Marnee on having the character stay true to character and do what seems right to him/her.
That being said, I have heard actual guy talk where they talk about "little so and so" and if they are into sports a reference usually comes up.
I know when I read SEP and Rachel Gibson, for instance (they both write athlete heroes), they use pretty normal guy talk (especially internal guy talk) and it doesn't drag me out of the story or seem unnatural to me.
Okay... what Janga just said!
I always fumble around trying to figure out how to say what is going through my mind and Janga steps in and very succinctly nails it!
And I know what you mean, Janga. It takes me forever to type, edit, type, edit, change my mind about what I'm writing, type, edit again and then press submit. By the time I'm done 14 comments have been inserted.
Hellie - Exactly. I need to take more vacations.
Donna - Wanna house swap? And I've had a guy with his Masters in this area. Needless to say, those memories are the basis for all my sex scenes.
Janga - I started Julie's first one and had to put it down. I know you and many others loved it, but I had *issues* with the characters. Just my opinion though. I may give the second one a go. She does have a fun voice. And that's a lot of book leading up to the sex scene.
I'm having flashbacks to Elaine interviewing men to make sure they were sponge-worthy
Irish! You are my target audience, you realize this? LOL! I'd rather read (and write obviously) how they feel about what's going on. That's where it's good. IRL, we're not thinking about what's going in where, we're thinking about how it feels when what goes in where.
Only makes sense to write it that way.
But before this looks like Chance had it wrong, she read that scene totally out of context. The poor thing hasn't read the rest of the book to know the tone. So it really wasn't fair to give her that scene not knowing anything else about these characters. Or not much anyway.
Holy crap I've missed some fun this morning. Sin, I gotta hear the narration too. Freaking hilarious!
I have to agree that changing the tone suddenly during the sex scene throws off the whole book. I do throw around cock, but seeing as how I also have torture scenes, psychopaths, terrorists, etc, cock is actually pretty damn tame *g* I also use heat or warmth as a euphemism for p-- (and I'm with Hellie. There is not a single word for that I'm comfortable writing down! LOL!)
I also liked what Hellie said about writing to your audience. If your writing is like SEP, Gibson, Crusie, Julie James (a new awesome find!!!), then don't mess with your instinct.
I'm not a fan of the closed door sex scene, but I don't want to read erotica either. I really think the emotional punch is what you are looking for. If using certain words brings about an emotional reaction from either party then that is when I would let loose.
Hal - I was just explaining that Elaine thing to a coworker recently. That was so funny. And very true to life.
Now I'm trying to think of a euphemism for the Hooho that isn't vajayjay or hooha and I'm coming up with nothing I'm comfortable with either. You just can't throw "vagina" into a romantic scene. Outside of doctor's appointments, that would does not fit any situation.
I really think the emotional punch is what you are looking for. If using certain words brings about an emotional reaction from either party then that is when I would let loose.
Love this, Irish.
I see Bo'sun is smart enough to try to vacation in Donna's neck of the woods than mine. *LOL* (I love Boston. I have to say that at least once a week.)
I love how Irish and Janga get all concerned about the number of comments. As if we were staying on task or subject or anything. It's nice to have their comments because then we can go, "Oh, yeah, THAT'S what we were talking about."
Irish - My goal is for you to finish the scene and roll over and jump Mr. Irish. If I've accomplished that, my job is done.
Hellie - My thinking was that Donna and I are the two crew members who do not have nookie at our fingertips. *snort* But that is true, I would not vacation in your neck of the woods other than to drink and laugh with you. LOL! If you were not there, I'd sooner set myself on fire than vacation there.
I'm sure, even thought he doesn't even know you, Ter, that that is his goal too!
I can't believe you put down Julie James first one (Just the Sexiest Man Alive?). I just finished that last week and loved it. It reminded me a little of What I Did For Love by SEP.
Vagina is way too clinical. I think that's why I use core or folds for the vajayjay. There isn't anything else that I feel comfortable using or that doesn't sound like should show up in a medical journal or the center of Hustler.
JR Ward calls it the "secrets." I think that's kinda hokey. Especially because it's the guys who call it that. The girls never mention that area. And, well, that makes it seem like they all got together and were like, you know, I really like secrets. Let's put it to a vote.
Yeah, vagina is a tough one. I totally buy just about anything a guy calls his penis - they seem kind of fixated on it and love to talk about it over and over and over again. But women, on the other hand, very rarely refer to their vagina unless they just got back from the OB/GYN and even then it is very vague.
I love it on the East Coast, don't get me wrong -- but I'm having trouble finding the men who are at least my height. It's getting to where I might have to get a TATTOO of "You must be this tall". Yeesh.
And I've got some dandy memories. *fans face* But now that I'm getting to that age where I can't remember sh*t. LOL It just isn't fair! I'm gonna have to hire stunt doubles for my sex scenes. LOL
Irish - Tell him I accept jewelry and chocolates with thank you notes. And I'd mention why I put the book down, but I don't want to do that here. I'll email you. :)
Marn - Are you serious?! That's what the guys call it? I can't believe that. Aren't those dudes supposed to be mega-Alpha? That does not sound Alpha to me. LOL!
My HS gym teacher would tell us to keep our legs crossed so as not to show off our Hawaiian Islands. That will always stay with me.
Though I do like the idea of that area being considered paradise. With a hint of coconut.
This was not a good day to have a ton of shit to do. LOL!
Donna - They grow them small in Massatucky? That's a shame. I'm surrounded by military. SURROUNDED. You'd think I could find ONE that I could tolerate. Or was at least drunk enough to take me home...
Though I do like the idea of that area being considered paradise. With a hint of coconut.
LMAO!
And yep, that's what they call it. I think they're only half mega-alpha. The rest of them are pretty mushy. I guess that's the half that's okay with "secrets."
But women, on the other hand, very rarely refer to their vagina unless they just got back from the OB/GYN and even then it is very vague.
I wonder why this is. It's true, but I wonder why. Most girls are more likely to talk about their boobs than their vagina.
Interesting....
And, well, that makes it seem like they all got together and were like, you know, I really like secrets. Let’s put it to a vote.
LMAO. I can just see this!
Donna - Don't you hate the memory loss? I have to really focus to remember the details. *sigh*
Marn - I think we've been trained to give the Vag her space. I know for years my motto was "I don't bother her, she doesn't bother me." But then I hit and age and let's just say....
Bo'sun, yeah, they all seem on the shorter side. Maybe because it's such a small state -- they wouldn't all fit otherwise. LOL
And the few tall ones seem to be with shorter women! C'mon! That's not playing fair! LOL
Now see, I like tall guys and I'm kind of short (5'4" is short, right?) so I can't comment on the tal guys with shorter women thing. LOL! I'm afraid I encourage that.
How tall are you? Between you and Sin and Marn, this is like the Amazon crew.
my little bro (and yes, I said little) is 6'8", and his wife is 5'3". It's freakishly hilarious.
I'm 5'9", although I think I used to be closer to 5'10". My sister is 5'1" and her first husband was 6'1". LOL No surprise that her son ended up taller than her!
My thinking was that Donna and I are the two crew members who do not have nookie at our fingertips.
Well, TECHNICALLY...you do, but you mean with someone else in the room, right?
I think it's visibility, Marn. Unless you bind them, it's hard to hide breasts. I know. It's a wonder that I wasn't permanently misshapen from three years (11-13) of walking hump-shouldered trying to hide mine. Penises may be covered, but their reaction to stimuli is hardly hidden. :)
I use "core" too. I think it is suitably opaque and I like all the connotations since for my characters the sex is never solely physical.
Email me too, Ter. I'll have to see what I can do to convert you to the Julie James readership.
LOL, Hellie!
Speaking of heat, I read Anna Cambell's My Reckless Surrender a few days ago, and I swear my fingers are singed from turning the pages.
Yes, I'm against the uber-tall guy with the uber-short girl. That annoys me. Spread the wealth, a--holes. But they're all "Oh, she's so cute, she fits in my pocket!" as if they're dating a puppy rather than a girl. That doesn't work in reverse. I don't know of a tall girl who wants to date a leprechaun, even if he comes with a pot of gold.
This is why I like books where the hero is tall and he ends up dating a tall girl--and he thinks, "Finally someone who isn't a midget!"--I'm like, YES! It's fantasy, of course, since it seems men like midgets but whatever.
OK, so maybe I'm raunchy...but it wasn't so much the scene I read as it confused me and wouldn't have if she'd NAMED it. As in "tongue" as opposed to "cock" ...
And I did some research on this last night. Asked my DH about when we're...ahem...what he thinks. What term in his head does he use. "Cock" was the winner.
But of course, you don't have to name his cock. it can just be about how damned good if felt...etc. Now, I got to run off and finish all the comments later...but nice blog, Bo'sun...
May I even say I think... You SCORED!
I don’t know of a tall girl who wants to date a leprechaun, even if he comes with a pot of gold.
Exactly! I've got enough stuff on my keychain!
Damn, I'm losing ground here. Stupid work.
Hal - I dated a guy 6'7". That really was a bit much. But when they are proportional, you make exceptions. (Shut up, Hellie.)
Donna - That's a nice height. Not too tall to find nice clothes, but not too short to reach things. As I said, I'm 5'4" and my ex-H is 6'3". Kiddo got his height which means at 10 yrs old, she's 5'4".
Shoot me now.
Hellie - I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. LOL!
Janga - Toni has that singe factor down, doesn't she? I may need to get used to this "core" bit. It does have a nice, simple ring to it. Would almost fit any situation without being too obtrusive. Is that word I'm looking for?
And I emailed!
And here I was hoping I wasn't the tallest amazon on the ship anymore. *sigh*
I have to agree. I mean, I guess you can't help who you fall for IRL, but fictionally, nothing makes me want to toss a book faster than a hero who is a foot taller than the heroine. Or more. I suppose I shouldn't have double standards, but it's like seeing short girls buy the 36" jeans and roll them up or drag them on the ground. Makes me want to shake the shit out of someone.
Donna said:
I’ve got enough stuff on my keychain!
LMAO!!
Chance - I admit I need to work on that part if it was not obvious. But that was first draft so that's my excuse. But I don't think Hellie caught that oral was going on either. LOL! Much revision attention will be paid there.
But women, on the other hand, very rarely refer to their vagina unless they just got back from the OB/GYN and even then it is very vague.
I wonder why this is.
Because A Woman would not name her most sweet, intimate, sensitive part a Vagina. Ick. It sounds like a disease! We’d call it something sweet … like Honey or Bambi. An Intimate name … such as Kiss-caress-thee-lover-bits or Hold-me-closer. Or something softly sensitive … like Charmin Ultra … or Alan Alda.
and by 36" jeans, I meant inseam. Now I'm wondering if I said that out loud when I was on the phone. I need to stop commenting when I'm working.
LMFAO. Alan Alda. LMFAO
OMG! That is hysterical!
But the reference to a TV doctor just made me think of Trapper John.
What a euphemism that would be...
That has to become a new code word for the vagina.
Julie, you are wicked funny -- but I am NOT calling her Alan Alda! LOL
How about Alana?
Shoot, SIN. I used to buy the 36" jeans.
The inseam fit just right, but the waist came up to my arm pits.
Tongue would have probably been nice to clue us in. I admit to missing that scene entirely. I'm so used to that act going on for a couple pages until you're like, "What's he doing? Writing the entire alphabet? Geez." Usually those scenes emphasize the word "mouth" and we know what's going on and where.
As for why we're okay with boobs but not vajajays. I'd say it's because I waited a LONG time to get my boobs in and I'm taking them for granted now. They also make my shirts look better and do the fun cleavage thing in some dresses. Okay, I have to have a good bra to get a lot of this action, but whatever, I've got what I've got and I'm happy about it. As for the other end, I don't exactly show that end off. And it requires a lot more grooming than the top end. A nice bra and the boobs are covered. But there is a whole regiment with the lower half and it still doesn't look...I don't... cute. So I'd rather ignore it. Plus there is all the trouble it usually affords me once a month. Cramps. Messiness. Ugh.
Wow, that's a turn I didn't see coming.
I used to buy my jeans "tall" and let them stack at the bottom. Back in my wranglers and shit kicker days. :)
I NEVER see any of the turns coming. LOL
I've got to run some errands, so I'm sad that I'm gonna miss all the good stuff. I'll try to catch up when I get back.
I thought Alan Alda was Hawkeye, not Trapper John?
I had to buy the talls because I have long legs. But no torso. I am the human version of A Spider.
Donna didn't ask, butt I know that she is wondering.
I'm 5' 2.5"
You'd never guess that I come from a long line of tall Women. Like 6 footers. I figure that I'm like Campbell’s Tomato Soup. I’m the Condensed Version of The Original.
OMG! I'm dizzy!
I'm with Hellie on the boob vs. vagina rationale. I waited a looooong time to get decent boobs and am very proud of them. My clothes hang better and I've finally got cleavage (something I could've used 30 years ago, but hey, I'm not complaining). The other is just problems and ickiness, IMO!
Janga said "I think it’s visibility, Marn. Unless you bind them, it’s hard to hide breasts."
Honestly? I don't hide them, but I do usually forget that I have them.
Yep, Alan Alda was Hawkeye Pierce. My mind just jumped to another doctor name. I think because they are showing the old Trapper John shows on Hallmark or something.
Julie - I'm the same way, NO torso and all legs. It's very weird and makes the fat ring around the middle that much more obvious.
Irish - Have a seat and we'll get you a drink. *rum and soda over here stat!*
We do not want to turn this into vagina bashing. It's what's on the inside that causes all the messy stuff and hassle.
But, I have to agree that I've never understood why it has to be so unattractive. I guess it's there for functionality and not really aesthetics, but really. Then again, guys think it's the most gorgeous thing ever. Most of the time. If getting in there is like fighting to find the opening in that giant red curtain that hung in the HS auditorium, not so much.
I gotta go out for lunch with the girls (some friends not my boobs, although, they're coming too!). Be back later to catch up!
I had the girls early and there was no hiding them. Other than my eyes, they are my best feature, so I make sure to take care of them. :)
Have fun at lunch, Irish. And good luck with your errands, Donna!
Then again, guys think it’s the most gorgeous thing ever. Most of the time.
Yeah, I never got that but the DH says it is true. I'm like, c'mon really?! But he says the whole area just fascinates guys. Maybe it is like the Holy Grail or something. Like boobs are kind of accessible but the other not so much.
Maybe it's like those ugly expensive purses that women drool over. I never understand it, but if you put an out of reach price tag on something, they will claw and fight to get it.
Maybe it’s like those ugly expensive purses that women drool over. I never understand it, but if you put an out of reach price tag on something, they will claw and fight to get it.
Best. Explanation. Ever.
I used to be one of those SO's, Marn.
Maybe it’s like those ugly expensive purses that women drool over. I never understand it, but if you put an out of reach price tag on something, they will claw and fight to get it.
LOVE THIS.
Glad you like that one. The analogy does seem to fit. Those purses are usually so ugly. LOL!
Honestly, for how much guys dig that area, I've met some who can't seem to figure out how it works. Even with instruction.
Now, I pity their SO's.
It's a sad commentary, Ter. Seriously, any guy who requires repeated instruction doesn't deserve repeated trips to the sack. Pay attention, pal. I'm not telling you this for my own good. I know how the shit works.
Pay attention, pal. I’m not telling you this for my own good. I know how the shit works.
Totally made my day right here.
Ter - :)
ROTFLMAO
Marn, you hit the nail on the head.
Donna - I'm 5'8"-5'9" too. Though I'm only a 34 inseam. DH is 6'2". I did date a guy who was 5'10-5'11 once. That's about as short as I ever went.
I killed the blog....
I'm on my way out the door, but a couple of quickies here:
I died laughing over the HS auditorium curtain. Kinda explains why some menfolk get lost and confused "down there". LOL
And Marn, I have a long torso, not-so-long legs, so I don't feel tall (my butt is as close to the ground as the shorter people!)
Also, I'm changing the sign to read: "Must be this tall AND have a credit score of at least 700". How's that? :)
Okay, I'm outta here -- continue the mayhem!
Nah, Marn, just work getting in the dang way.
It's very sad that my credit is not good enough to ride Donna.
mines not either *g*
Wow, like successful blog, Bo'sun!
Now, I must be the raunchiest member of this crew. The convo with DH went on last night to his favorite word for my cunt, which is my favorite word. (I like a strong word to balance his name.)
He likes pussy.
I think we're both just pretty earthy raunchy people.
And yes, women do tend to think the ugly purse metaphore...why? Social upbringing? Is this why the bedazzling is so popular? Everything is prettier with sparkle?
I think it's partly what we can see and what is hidden. We see our boobs, we can see them react to stimulis...unless we're pretty impressive gymnists, we don't see the nether regions. (Another word the DH likes to use.)
Yup the scene that started this was interesting. I thought...hey! Score! Then when he started driving her mad with fingers I thought... "Wow, he's got long arms and is very comfortable with his bat."
When he stood to remove his tidy whities I was really confused.
OH! Then I got it!
I initially read Donna's sign as "must be this tall and not a member of the 700 club."
I was confused.
In the film 'Working Girl' Sigourney Weaver says to Harrison Ford "Won't Big Harry come out to play?"
I think that might fit your humorous 'big bang moment' Bosun.
Not sure where he/it would play mind.
I'll have to think about that! :lol:
Q - Somehow, I have my doubts that you have any difficulties imaging where Big Harry would play... There is always the Garden...
Bo'sun, maybe she can slip - sorry - make the comment that he slid into home. You know, some after coitus jabbering...
Okay, car is done and back in the lot. One less thing to deal with.
Chance - Totally forgot about "nether regions". LOL! And if those terms fit you and the DH, then it makes perfect sense. I could throw around those words IRL with someone and I'll probably eventually write something where they will fit. But for this one, would just be totally out of place.
*groan!
Marn - I just choked on a chicken nugget. (That is NOT a euphemism.) Warn a girl.
Q - It takes a brave man to wonder in here today. Bravo to you. LOL! Smart to reference a movie instead of offering real world knowledge. ;) And thanks for not bring up "black holes".
Oh come on, you know you were thinking it. LOL!
Nooooo ... I was thinking more along the lines of
An Event Horizon!
"...it's full of stars!"
I heard the line from 2001, A Space Odyssey
Dating myself, I know.
It’s very sad that my credit is not good enough to ride Donna.
mines not either *g*
LOL -- hell, MINE isn't good enough to ride me either!
I got a bargain book today (only $1) -- it's called "The Score: The Science of the Male Sex Drive" -- written by a woman. I figured it was worth a dollar to figure out that topic!
I initially read Donna’s sign as “must be this tall and not a member of the 700 club.”
Yes, I can see where that would cause confusion. LOL
It's probably a picture book. LOL!
Naughty Chance! LOL
Here's a quote that ties into our earlier comments: "A study showed that a guy of 5'8" would have to make $146,000 a year more than one who was six feet tall to attract the same number of dates".
See? It's science! We know what we're talking about! LOL
“A study showed that a guy of 5′8″ would have to make $146,000 a year more than one who was six feet tall to attract the same number of dates”.
Obviously ... who ever wrote that book has never
met my DH.
Or my son ...the last girlfriend he had was 4 inches taller than him!
It said it was a study quoted in the NY Times, and then she referred to it. I wonder if there were too many zeroes in it. LOL It's just too outrageous of a number.
Wow, now we're bringing science into things. Always cracks me up when this happens.
I believe that stat. It doesn't say to get A date, it says to get AS MANY dates. I can believe it.
But I once bought a book (for Irish!) called "What Men Are Really Thinking" or some such, and it was blank. No kidding. I was pissed when Irish told me. LOL! I'd ordered it off Amazon and even paid shipping!
You know, Donna, you probably shouldn't take yourself out of the running too. LOL! Could make the spell even worse. ;)
Bo'sun -- that's awesome -- because Irish could fill it in with all kinds of good stuff! LOL Now THAT would be an instant bestseller. :)
It said it was a study quoted in the NY Times, and then she referred to it. I wonder if there were too many zeroes in it.
Probably . That or someone wants to keep the short Men for themselves. The woman who introduced me to my DH introduced us because he was to “short“ for her. She loved everything about him , except for the fact that he was 5’8” . She WAS 5‘10”. Later she came to realize that she had made a mistake. But it was too late. The boy was mine.
Truth be told? I’m not miffed about the study. I’m rather amused really … and feeling a bit like the-cat-that-ate-the-canary. My DH might be short, but he’s not short changing me on attention. I got laid three times on Sunday! LOL
Donna ... think about that story I told you about my Mazda 323 GT. It looked like a regular sedan. But under the hood was a high powered turbo.
What I'm saying is, don't think that that lil ol' sedan isn't for you until you take it out for a test drive!
Takes a man with real ambition to climb the Matterhorn!
LOL, Julie. Excellent analogy! I'm looking for TurboMan!
And I am not adverse to shorter men -- my last fella was 5'8" to my 5'9" or 10", and he LOVED tall women, and preferred it when I wore heels. LOL That situation didn't dissolve because of his height--or what was under the hood! :)
I just feel self-consciously larger when I'm with someone shorter than me. LOL And it truly surprises me how many there are that ARE shorter than me!
Yet another turn I didn't see coming and did Chance just call Jules the Mattahorn?
Donna - I get ya, I just don't want a guy shorter than me either. But, at 5'4", that's not really an issue. LOL! Though I think my ex being 6'3" and a big guy might have had an influence. He was my first on only boyfriend/husband until I was 30. The first guy I dated after the divorce was probably 5'9" or 5'10" and he seemed short to me only in that I was used to someone so much taller.
But for the right guy, I'd happily adjust my views.
;-)
No, I was calling Donna the Matterhorn!
I just feel self-consciously larger when I’m with someone shorter than me.
This makes my "mother's heart" sad. My MIL had the same problem with feeling self-consciously larger than average. By the time she was 8 she was as tall as her teachers. At fifteen she was 5’ 10” . Most of her peers were 5’ 4”. She didn’t “feel” normalish until she moved from England and came to the Midwest. Where, believe it or not, men are taller. Lots of Swedes & Scandinavians in my neck of the woods.
Though I have to tell you, my MIL passed on the tall Swedes for a feisty Frenchman. He was several inches shorter than her. But his big persona made him seem taller than her. She always looked so “delicate” when they were together. Probably because that’s the way he saw her. Small and delicate.
Out there somewhere is someone who will make you forget your self consciousness. Someone who will make you forget everything except that you are perfect just the way you are. I honestly believe that can happen.
My MIL was 5’ 10” ... and for most of her adult life she was overwieght. Probably well over 200 pounds.
Oh, well, okay then.
Jules - The 6'7" guy I dated is Swedish. What do they feed them over there?!
So, just got home and have to go right back out for kiddo's volleyball game. Thanks for making this such a fun day and feel free to continue the discussion. I'll pick it back up in about an hour or so.
Yah! DONNA is the Matterhorn!
I'm the MatterhornY!
Go ahead. Laugh. Just Never let it be said that I'm unwilling to take One For The Team.
Julie, that's a very romantic story! And I don't want your mother's heart to hurt--and definitely not because of me!
I sure didn't mean to turn this discussion onto me. LOL I guess I wanted to "explain" my earlier remarks that might have seemed insensitive. :) So now I'm gonna be quiet for a while!
Well, I don't want you to fight over it...
Donna, I don't think that you are insensitive.
What I'm getting out of the conversation is:
I think that you are sick and tired of dating insensitive jerks who make you feel self-consciously large. So why shouldn't you , why wouldn't you say to yourself "Okay ... I've had enough with dating the insecure guys who make me feel self-conscious!"
Self Conscious about your height. Or about your ability to support yourself. Or your desire to be with someone who is mature enough to be fiscally responsible . ( Hence the reason for the 700 credit score)
That's what I'm getting out of all this.
My reaction is…
“OMG! DonnaThankYou thank you you’re a Saint to finally be open and honest and tell men that you have standards and being respectful and fiscally responsible and making a woman feel feminine are Important to women.”
Don't Be Quiet, Donna. Please. Don’t. I want you to shout out how you feel about dating from the roof tops. Honestly, as a woman who has a son of marriageable age, I Want him to know that a woman has the right to hold a man to some standards.
Then maybe he’ll figure out … when it comes to dating? He should set a few standards too.
A son of marriageable age... Has he met Donna?
;)
Sneaking away now...
Donna just doesn't like being the center of attention. Harder to be mysterious that way. LOL!
Marriageable age can mean a lot of things. LOL! I think I know her son's age (or thereabouts) and I think Donna and I do not qualify. :)
Only if yer looking for a cub...and are willing to face Julie's uzi...
Julie’s uzi? Is that Italian for bosom?
A son of marriageable age… Has he met Donna? HEY ... Donna! I could be Your MIL!
I WAS joking! Now we'll Never see Donna again! Sigh ...
LOL -- I was off doing other things. Don't think you'll get rid of me THAT easily! :)
A wedding! A wedding! Cap'n Hellion can officiate! I'll stock up on champagne...
Ooooh I was off doing other things too.
*cough*
So Donna, my fav lil’ Cougar-eerrrr-Sugar-pie. Lets see … we’ve already established that you’re Saintly … Intelligent… a hopeless romantic. You’re 29, right? Of course you are! I don’t know a woman over 30 who isn’t 29. You’re Perfect. One last question before you tie the knot … Do you have any experience in taming Wild Animals? Flame throwers? Grenades? Don’t worry , you can fake it. Besides that Vera Wang wedding dress I ordered for you? Its made out of Kevlar.
So, what does this son of yours do for a living?
Obviously, he's a granade carrying, flame throwing, animal trainer.
Saintly?! Moi? LOL I think somebody slipped something into your beverage!
Mmm, I used to work in retail, so I think that qualifies as "taming wild animals". :) And I so could have used flame throwers and grenades when the customers got nasty. LOL
A Kevlar wedding dress -- every Cougar's dream! LOL
Chance, his specialty is ... dealing with nasty customers!
Your title drew me in, then I stayed and nodded and laughed. I have a similar post on my blog about not being able to conquer sex scenes while envisioning my Christian auntie peering over my shoulder. I got past it, and wrote some pretty good stuff in revisions, my editor assures me.
http://kellymccrady.blogspot.com/2010/03/i-must-be-growing-up.html
Contemporary euphemisms for the Little Dude? Pocket rocket? Winkie? Why not D**k or C**k? I suppose it depends on whose POV is used at the time.
Hey there, Kelly! Thanks for finding us. And could you imagine reading along and the words "...his purple people eater suddenly entered her..."? LOL! Well, I guess in the right galaxy far far away that might actually work.
Nice website. I like the term "escapist fiction". Gorgeous cover. Wow.
I could see using all of those (except winkie...lol) if they fit the character. You're exactly right, it's the POV. Neither of my characters would use those terms or this scene would stick out from the rest of the book like your Auntie at a fettish shop.
But given the right characters, I'd love to read Little Dude or Pocket Rocket. Then again, Pocket Rocket makes me think of something that needs batteries. ;)
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