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WHO's Guide to Writing Diseases
With Winter nearly here and Flu Season knocking at our doors, it’s time to give thought to our health as writers. I’ve never thought of writing as a particularly hazardous occupation, not like say: rattlesnake wrangler; but apparently there are a number of diseases a writer can succumb to if she is not careful.
I’ll go over a few of them now, the symptoms, and the possible cures, if given in the early stages.
Procrastinationoma: a form of laziness that usually crops up when one has too much time on one’s hands. This disease works in a couple of ways. Either the writer, upon reflecting upon all the things she needs to do to finish the book, gets overwhelmed and hobbles off to do something less labor-intensive, like paint the Sistine Chapel; or the writer fools herself into thinking she’s doing writer-related brain activities like thinking about the novel. Now, where thinking is a fine and noble activity, one must note that Socrates did a lot of thinking—but it was someone else who wrote his thoughts down. That someone else also pocketed the money, you can be assured. Remember that the next time you want to go “think for a while.”
Procrastinationoma can be avoided by breaking down your goals into small increments so you don’t get overwhelmed by the premise of writing the whole book in one sitting. For instance, instead of saying: I’m going to write the greatest romance novel of all time!—which would make anyone pick up a paintbrush, say: “I’m going to write the first page to the greatest romance novel of all time.” Then the next day, make a goal to write the second page—and so forth, until you say, “Today, I’m going to write the last page of the greatest romance novel.” Also, you can avoid Procrastinationoma by “doing” instead of “thinking”—action kills Procrastionationoma quicker than you can say: Michelangelo.
Excuseitis: Unlike Procrastinationoma, Excuseitis attacks your brain with all the various things you could and should be doing instead of writing. A virulent virus, it crops up too at writing meetings and critique groups, presenting inventive and legitimate reasons why you haven’t met any of your writing goals. For the last 6 months. Like Procrastinationoma, the only way to really overcome it is to wrap the neck scarf a bit tighter around your throat and hunker down over the keyboard. Consistent, everyday writing time is really the only preventive—the writing world’s version of zinc.
Soccermomosis: The complete opposite of Procrastinationoma, Soccermomosis is a perilous pestilence, operating under the guise of “I must do it all, all the time.” Usually suffered by mothers and Wall Street brokers, those consumed by Soccermomosis are compelled to fill every moment of their day with “necessary” activities, usually events that are actively benefiting miniature adults, who are also being run ragged. Soccermomois sufferers aren’t able to write because there is simply no time—not from an overdose of “thinking.” There isn’t any time to think either.
Soccermomosis is a much trickier tribulation to surmount. The cure is not for the faint of heart, for it requires that which most of us are unwilling to implement in the face of miniature adults: selfishness. You have to look at your list of “necessary” activities and figure out what can be exchanged for writing. Something must go. If writing truly matters to you, you will find the expendable item on the list. You will. Once you find the time, guard it like the Hope Diamond.
Boringascrapitis: An insidious illness, which symptoms are not unlike depression, and include sleeping, moaning, whining, and weeping into your pillow. Sufferers frequently look cross-eyed from all their continued staring at their manuscript, often muttering: “God, this is boring.” However, instead of being inspired to fix said boring spots, they crawl under a blanket and watch re-runs of As The World Turns. (Yes, it’s that bad. Don’t let it happen to you.) Should you notice you’re whining and weeping into your pillow, leave the house and get some fresh air. I assure you, things aren’t that bad. Work on a different project (though if you find you’re bored with all your projects around Chapter 4 or 8, and you’ve abandoned all of them in something less “boring”—you’re not suffering from Boringascrapitis, but Commitphobia, which requires you to actually write though the boring parts and finish it, no matter what.)
Judgmentalism: A seizure of your nerves stemming from criticism bestowed by family, friends, long-suffering teenagers, and your pastor. Your brain clenches up at the thought that people who know you are going to read books you wrote—that have sex in them. Everyone will know you had sex, and worse, that you think about sex. There is but two cures. 1.) Get over it. Everyone, including your pastor, has had sex—and thought about it. Even your teenager has thought about it, ad nauseam. If that is not an option, option 2.) Move to Antarctica. The penguins won’t care.
Anti-StewartSmalleybotchulism: Okay, I suppose I could just say “lack of self-confidence”, but that’s not as fun as referencing the SNL character who always said, “Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” Yes, you guessed it. If you’re suffering from Anti-StewartSmalleybotchulism, you think your writing is the worst thing to have happened to books since Wild Animus, which I assure you nothing you can write will be worse than that book. You should try reading it and see. It’ll make you feel better. Anti-StewartSmalleybotchulism is only surmountable by copious amounts of chocolate and critique groups who are willing to blow sunshine up your gloomy…attitude.
What deadly writing disease have you encountered in your writing? What medicines best coped with it?
Books by the Crew
35 comments:
Cap'n...I bow ta yer brilliance. And fergive ya the 1st person stickin' me tongue out at ya.
And if ya don't get yer ass in a chair and use this marvelous talent on somethin' other than brilliant blogs...
I'll hunt ya down and hug ya, sneak up on ya and hug ya... I'll stalk ya and hug ya...
Can I think of a writin' illness? Uh...Dullitis. This be the illness where ya lack the stay-with-itness ta polish ta perfection. Not due ta lack a' confidence, but from committment ta movin' on-it-ness. Leavin' scattered MS, good but lackin' polish, thus remainin' dullish.
Cure? Fer me it be a treatment I'm developin' day by day... Usin' a pencil.
Helli, you're a tonic!
I think I have Soccermomosis this morning, but will be back this evening!
I often suffer from Goggleyesis .... staring at a blank screen or sheet of paper for hours.
Tuning in here is the best tonic ... cures everything!
Have I already said you're a genius?! :lol:
I have antifocusma, a condition where the patient bounces from one hopeless mess to the other, denying all responsibility, culpability and rationality. Also called hit-and-runitis. Condition cured by turning off Internet connection and consuming vast quantities of chocolate with diet soda as an antidote.
I'm definitely a sufferer from soccermomosis. I've tried to battle this (writer's)-life-threatening disease by cutting out all things fun from my life. LOL! Well, not all things fun, just TV... Oh, and some time with friends... and shopping... Hmmm.... Pretty much all my time not devoted to the miniature adult or DH goes to writing. I do force myself to stay in touch with a few close friends. Otherwise, I'd run the risk of becoming a complete hermit or worse, a very very dull human.
I also have a bad case of thiswillneversellatosis, a form of boringascrapitis. This disease makes me doubt the originality of my ideas and my execution.
*screams and clutches at her face* Dear God, not the HUGGING! I promise I'll get a move on it! Okay, so I didn't do so hot at NaNo, but I'll do better.
Though I appreciate the compliment. I was re-reading the last couple chapters last night and was not particularly feeling the brilliance, if you know what I mean.
Are you talking about completed manuscripts that writers refuse to polish, just give up on and go onto the next project? Yeah, that can be bad...though I think there are some writers who will claim loudly that the manuscript under their bed should stay there!
But avoiding revision is definitely a disease that should be treated! The only good writing is RE-WRITING after all!
Wow, you've nailed these perfectly. I suffered from Soccermomosis for a couple years and have finally beaten it. Required finishing school and declaring there is only so much of me to go around. Though that does not mean I am immune and will not face this again in the future. Knowing me, I probably will.
Excuseitis came with the Soccermomosis. They pretty much go hand in hand. Procrastinationoma is my biggest enemy, though I'm getting better. Now it just affects my day job.
If I could kick RealityTVaddictitis, then my writing world will right itself and it will be smooth sailing ahead. Unfortunately, this one is very hard to kick, though the DVR is helping.
Q, darlin! I'm not just a tonic, darling, I'm a gin-and-tonic. Bubbly with a kick.
I *LOVE* staring blankly at walls all day instead of doing what I'm supposed to be doing! I do it at work all the time!
When I'm supposed to be writing, the blank wall is actually a TV set...which is about the same effect as putting a bird DVD for a cat. I can't help but watch it, even though I know better. TV is the devil. I'd throw mine away, except I remember what it was like for those first couple weeks in the apartment without one. Or was it just three days? I don't know...but it was DEAD QUIET and I nearly went nuts. I need the noise. It's like having a friend. A friend I don't have to feed or entertain.
Maggie, it's an honest toss-up if the TV or the Internet is worst thing ever for my writing. (Probably the TV. There are at least 10-15 minutes at a time between emails sometimes, so that's plenty enough time to jot out a couple paragraphs at least. TV, though, you only have 3 minute commercials--and sometimes the commercials are better than the show you're watching.)
I am not taking responsibility though--because I did not invent the TV. (Bless that man.)
I'm jotting down chocolate on my shopping list tonight. I think my milk went bad. Again. (Because I drink copious amounts of diet soda.)
Everyone's diseases are very apt--and funny--and definitely need to be included, but Marn's "thiswillneversellatosis" is SOOOOOO what I'm feeling right now. I haven't even FINISHED the poor book and all that's in my head, on bloody repeat, is: thiswillneversell, thiswillneversell, thiswillneversell.
No wonder I'm depressed, slumped on my sofa, staring catatonically at the TV--I don't even LIKE reality TV. (Which ironically isn't real or even TV.)
Bo'sun, I admit when I talked about the soccermomosis, I was talking about you. Because let's face it: I don't have a lot of problems in being selfish and making time for myself. It's my execution in what I'm doing in the time for myself that's at issue here.
But you moms...you're a different breed altogether.
I half expected to read *cough*Bo'sun*cough* in that description. LOL! You have to admit, I've gotten much better on that since the softball coaching debacle.
Gah.
That's supposed to be: "You're NOT the only one..."
You're the only one I know who's given birth--plus I have friends--who aren't necessarily writers but have other creative endeavors--who don't do them because they have about 20 other things they're doing instead. All the time. It boggles the mind. And it's all very RESPONSIBILITIES focused--you can't say they're going to concerts or dinners or anything--they're looking after mom or dad, or doing civic sorts of things...and all I can think is: you have 3 other siblings who can look in on mom and dad and you don't HAVE to do the civic things...PAINT already.
Very clever blog! :)
I think I've suffered from most of these illnesses at one time or another. I think I have chronic Procrastinationoma. Its cures (breaking down goals and doing not thinking) are accurate but easily forgotten. Is one of the symptoms of procrastinationoma memory loss?
Boringascrapitis sounds familiar but I think I've had the garden variety "crapitis." Not the swine flu, just the flu. It's not boring, it's just crap. Or maybe it's some kind of disease where the brilliant scene in my head loses its sparkle as soon as I attempt to put it to words. Yikes. Some form of perfectioncrapism but maybe the cure is similar to Chance's Dullitis.
Extremely hilarious once again, Hellie! I needed a good laugh today. Q is right you are a tonic. I think I suffer from Soccermomosis, Excuseitis and Procrastinationoma. Wow I really need to get in to see someone right away. Unfortunately I'm on my out (feeding the Soccermomosis) and can't pull together a witty reply right now! I'll check back later... hopefully :)
Btw, Perfectioncrapism is when even the crap has to be perfect. It is nearly impossible to write a complete rough draft or attempt to push through a NaNo experience with perfectioncrapism. My only partially successful cure has been doing the place holder thing [describe hair, check date, etc.] for later fixing and experimenting with non linear writing. Then I fall ill with boringascrapitis because it makes no sense and [insert description here] has no sparkle whatsoever! LOL
Perfect crap? I think I've accomplished that.
Melissa, I totally get the Perfectioncrapism problem. I frequently have a scene in my head that's exciting, sparkling, witty, and brilliant, and then I write it on the paper and I'm like, "That's not what happened at all! You didn't say your lines right! And why is my heroine now internally dialoging about her neuroses...no one cares!"
It's a lot like what happens when you say something you thought was pretty witty and it comes out either as incredibly stupid or incredibly insulting, and all you can think is, "But it sounded fine in my head."
Perfection is the devil. As 2nd would say, Throw it to the Kraken!
Irish, you definitely need to see someone soon. *LOL* That's a LOT to be suffering from!
At least break the Procrastinationoma. If you can't write a page of the Greatest Romance Novel Ever Written, at least write a paragraph. Keep your mind in the game. That's the important thing: KEEP YOUR MIND IN THE GAME.
I know Soccermomosis is important, but as Erma Bombeck used to say: The world is not going to end if you don't do everything. They'll adapt. (It's sometimes important to let the kids adapt! I think moms sometimes get that Harry Potter complex--gotta save somebody all the time. No you don't. If they're not bleeding, they don't necessarily have to be saved...they'll be fine. It'll give them character.)
You do this kind of thing so well, Hellion. I add my voice to the chorus of "Genius!"
I'm another who suffers from chronic Procrastinationoma, but I think my most serious malady is fearoffailingitis. Its chief symptom is the voice that keeps cautioning "As long as you stay safe and don't take risks, there's no chance of being destroyed by rejection, depression, and confirmation of mediocrity." It's a stubborn disease that persists in spite of massive doses of common sense, infusions of self-belief, and cocktails of encouragement delivered by loyal friends.
Ah, the dreaded huggin' works! Am I the only one out there who reads what I wrote and sees the rough stuff as a fun challenge ta rise above? Aye, it be dauntin' ta realize how much be needed...
I thought I were done wit' me pencil edits last night, turned a page and realized Kinkos shorted me 50 pages a' me MS! ARGH! I finish today!
And I found another cure fer the anti-StewartSmalleybotchulism...find some bit a' yer own writin' that will make cry wit' how good it is... Jus' one bit, makes all the difference...sigh.
Sorry I'm so late. You wouldn't believe the morning I've had at work - let's just say I had to give up my nice big office to some "executive" and am now settled into a bland, small cube.
Anyway, I suffer from Excuseitis and Procrastinationoma. My biggest disease though has to be If-I don't-Start-I-can't-fail-itis (ok I'm out of creativity today). I'm happy to say that I've cured this dreded disease and am happily 15k into my first book! I owe it all the Revenge and an extra push from NaNo - In mind mind I totally won!
Sabrina - Bummer about the office. I've gotten so used to my office, it would totally suck going back to cubicle land. And I'm right there with you on the NaNo book. Just under 17K which for me is great for a month. At this rate, I can have the first draft done in plenty of time to polish it and make it shine before Nationals.
We can do it!!!
Janga and Sabrina--it seems you both have discovered the same disease: fearoffailingitis and if-i-don't-start-i-can't-fail-itis. Quite the little cancer, isn't it?
Only two sure things in this world: Failure and Death, so you can't avoid it. Not doing something simply so you can't fail at it is a failure in and of itself. So if you're going to fail anyway, you might as well give it a whirl because you can only improve, right?
Not sure if that came out right.
Summary: Write anyway.
Lord, if I had to give up my office, I'd flip out. Actually no one would want me near their cube. I make students cry; so they wouldn't want any weeping students near their cubicle. At least if they start crying in my office, someone can shut the door.
If they put me in a cube, it'd be like Milton from Office Space, down in the cellars, surrounded by boxes of crap, still stapling...actually that's sorta tempting. I bet there wouldn't be a phone...and students wouldn't be able to find me...huh.
Yes, Sabrina, that's a big ouch! moment to give up an office. Did you know about it in advance? I'm not sure which way would be better. But congrats on the NaNo! Both you and Bo'sun have great momentum going now. A goal to have it polished by Nationals (July?) is a great idea! I'm actually about at the same word count for my WIP, although a lot of stop and starts. I had the goal to be finished with my first draft by the end of the year. (Don't get me started on the difference of "first" or "rough" draft.) It's looking iffy now, but I think making it shine before Nationals (not that I really thought of attending) is a good goal. :) I'm feeling a lot of these illnesses coming on all at once though...LOL
Yup, failure and death. Been there, done that...and you know...once you come out the other side, you just pick up and get goin' all over. What's the worst that can happen?
I'd hate ta see on me final tombstone... Never Started For Fear of .... Everything!
Congrats on all the starters! It's that first step that is hard, after that, you just keep fallin' forward!
So I'm almost to an end of my first day back in cubicle land...
Main thing is I can't use my lunch breaks to write my blog now becuase everyone would see! Same thing goes for checking out some of my favorite blogs - very NSFW. Bummer.
I only got 2 hours notice that I had to be out, so that was a real shocker. I'm all nice girl like "no problem" on the outside, but inside is an inferno about to blow.
I think fearoffailingitis is the prefect diagnosis. But Bo'Sun and I are gonna kick it's ass!
Well, first ya fall, then ya fly.
OK, what be NSFW?
And if yer on yer lunch break...what is the problem? It isn't company time. If they don't like ya usin' their computer...well, bring yer laptop!
Oh, that was fearoffailingitis! I thought it be fearoffallingitis. Though they be pretty close!
NSFW = Not Suitable For Work
And we will do it, Sabrina!
Thanks, Bo'sun. Ya know me and the entire accronym blindness...
Thanks, Hellie! I didn't just write a paragraph I wrote a whole page. You're right... baby steps. At least for me that mentality works. Thanks!
At this point my writing isn't something to procrastinate from - I have too many other things in my life I'm doing that with - my writing is now my escape! :)
Huzzah for the whole page for the Great American Romance Novel!! Eat two chocolates!! :)
A little bit is better than nada,
sometimes you want the whole enchilada,
a little bit is better than nada,
a little bit or nothing at all....
Profound words, my friend! (It's a song from the movie Tin Cup. It's actually very catchy...you should listen to it sometime! *LOL*)
Chance - It took me a while to figure it out. LOL!
WTG, IRISH!
Bo'sun who spent the night doing Sudoku puzzles.
I hear Sudoku puzzles are very good fer the brain. I can't figure 'em out... ;)
Congrats, Irish!
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