Hair Care and Other Important How-Tos for the Successful Writer
Hellion: *emerges from cabin with her writing notebook, which she flings out into the ocean* Terrio: What’s wrong, Hellion? *watching another ten notebooks flying out with it* I thought you were working on Adam’s story? Hellion: I suck. I don’t know what I was thinking. I had the idea in front of me. I’ve been writing in my notebook for days, and I thought I finally had a grasp on the scene I needed to work on. I mean, Fish Out of Water: Adam & Eve have to live in Vegas. I mean, you can’t get any more Fish Out of Water than that! Marnee: I wouldn’t think so. You’re not really going to toss your laptop, are you? Hellion: *looking at her HP thoughtfully and the sticker decal of Jack on it* I was thinking about it. I mean, I’m not going to use it for writing since I’ve given that up. Terrio: Be practical. If you toss your computer, you won’t be able to download Hotties from the internet. Hellion: *putting the computer back in its bag, seating herself on the stairwell to the upperdeck, pouting* Oh, what’s the use of Hotties to download now that I no longer have a profession. Marnee: Aww, Hellion, you have a profession: you’re a writer. You’re not going to give that up if you throw out all your notebooks. You’ll be back to scratching out ideas on napkins in a few days, I know. The last time you threw out your notebooks, you started writing ideas on Jack, but the ink blurred with his tattoos and you were mad you’d lost some really great dialogue bits. Now why don’t you get to the gist of what’s really going on? What happened? Hellion: Well, I opened my Word document and scrolled to the end of the scene I was working on. Adam and Eve have just been sent to Vegas, and I was going to write the scene where they see their new living situation. Believe me, it’s no mansion in Heaven. And no KitchenAids. Terrio: *baffled* KitchenAids? Marnee: That does sound Spartan. Sounds good so far. What happened? Hellion: I don’t know. I put my fingers on the keyboard, and this voice came in my head and said, “This is the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.” Terrio: You’re always hearing voices. You’ve never let it bother you before. Hellion: But it wasn’t one of the characters. This is someone else. Someone not in the book. Hellion: You know, I don’t know. If you heard him, it was like God was speaking. Terrio: God is more diplomatic. Hellion: Clearly you haven’t read the Old Testament. Sin: I know who it is. *printing out a Wanted Poster from her computer and waving the sheet in front of them* See? It’s your Inner Critic. Lisa: I really hate that bitch. Hellion: This wasn’t a woman. This was a man, I tell you. Terrio: Your Inner Critic is a man? This explains so much about you. Sin: *giving Hellion the sheet* The IC is androgynous, assuming the form which demoralizes you the most. Or what Hellion would say, if she weren’t too busy moping to give the lecture, the IC is like one of those Harry Potter dementor thingies. *waves hand vaguely, clearly having no idea what a dementor looks like* Terrio: I still haven’t read those books. Hellion: *grumpily* Or seen the movies. Sin: Anyway, there is only one cure for getting rid of an IC. You’re going to have to wash him out. *holds up a bottle of “Rid Your Inner Critic” shampoo and cheeses at the audience with a Vanna White flourish* See, the instructions are simple: wet, lather, and repeat. Terrio: Now where have I heard that…oh, never mind. *nervous laugh* Hormones. Marnee: *dumping a bucket of water over Hellion’s head as Hellion gasps in shock* Gosh, that felt good. I hadn’t realized how much I’d wanted to do… Sin: *squirting shampoo on Hellion, who is still screeching* Okay, now you have to sing the song with it. It doesn’t work if you don’t sing the song. Hellion: *looking like a pissed off half-drowned cat, glaring at crewmembers who seem oblivious* This is not going to work. *scrubbing at her hair* Sin: That is not how the song starts, Hellie. Come on, come on… *prompts* I’m gonna wash that bitch right out of my head… Lisa, Terrio, Marnee: I’m gonna wash that bitch right out of my head Hellion: *glowering* I’m gonna wash that bitch right out of my head LTM: And send her on her way. *gesturing hand waves* Hellion: *reluctantly doing the hand waves* I’m gonna wave that bitch right off my page I’m gonna wave that bitch right off my page I’m gonna wave that bitch right off my page And send her on her way. LTM: Don’t toss your notebooks Hellion: Get them back, get them back LTM: Dry them out, dry them out Hellion: Push her out, fly her out Don’t delay, show her the door! LTM: Yea, Hellion! Hellion: I’m gonna wash that bitch right outa my head, I’m gonna wash that man right outa my head, I'm gonna wash that man right outa my head, And send her on her way. If your IC doesn’t get you, If she says you’ll never succeed, Don’t delay, leave this class, Tell this witch to kiss your ass Pretend you’ve gone deaf And open your WIP and proceed If you root for different themes Waste no time, drink no more Show that witch what duct tape is for Rub her out of your work-in-progress Delete her straight from your scenes! Hellion: You can't light the sheets with a prude in the room, Terrio: Shit, is this a cooking blog? I thought the math one was mind-boggling. I hope she doesn’t cook with anything weird. If you look for your handgun in the drawer Waste no time, make the trade Bury her out back with your gardening spade Rub her out of your WIP Call that bitch a whore Oho! Oho! I went to wash that bitch right outa my head, I went to wash that bitch right outa my head, I went to wash that bitch right outa my head, And send her on her way. She went to wash that bitch right outa her head, She went to wash that bitch right outa her head, Marnee: *dumping a rinsing bucket of water on Hellion as she does the Charlie’s Angels headshake* Again, I tell you, that’s just fun! Hellion: Well, I’m certainly awake now. All right. I’ll take your advice. Bo’sun, after my notebooks, will you? I’ll need them dry if I’m ever going to finish that scene… Terrio: Me? You threw them into the ocean; you get them out! Hellion: I’m the captain and I say…. Marnee: *clearing throat, but arguing escalates* I think the Captain means to say…. *begins to shout to be heard over Hellion and Terrio*…what do you do to get rid of your Inner Critic? And is your Inner Critic a man or a woman? If you’re a writer, do you find yourself staring at the screen in horror—and how do you make yourself press on? If you’re a reader, has there been something you wanted to do, known you could do, but your Inner Critic nearly got the upperhand? 
Marnee: Someone clearly bitchy that he didn’t get a part, if you want my opinion. Why are you listening to him? What credentials does he have?
LTM: Oho! If you laugh at different paragraphs
LTM: No!
Hellion: You can't make a comfortable thong,
LTM: No joke there
Hellion: You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs,
Sin: And you can't fix an IC when she's wrong!
Hellion & LTM: If her comments are hurtful and bitchy,
LTM: She went to wash that bitch right outa her head,
And send her on her way!
Books by the Crew
52 comments:
I love love love when we break into song a la Rodgers and Hammerstein. Ok, Rodgers and Hammerstein via pirate ship infested with a bunch of fiesty piratesses.
My inner critic reminds me of an old southern woman. She's got that, "I suppose that's ok, dear, if that's the best you think you can do" feel about her.
She doesn't get on well with my gum-cracking, nail-polish picking, teenage muse.
The conversation tends to go this way:
IC: sit up straight, dear.
Muse: *eye roll, gum snap*
IC: So, the heroine decides to leave the hero then.
Muse: Isn't that what I just said?
IC: Well, if you think that'll work...
Muse: Marnee, can we lose the old bag?
I hope everyone is busily writing! In the meanwhile, I get the Undead Monkey since I'm the first commenter, even if it is my blog! *shoots the monkey*
I wrote a different comment, then realized I was deranged. I'm clearly famished...and exhausted. (I had the most awful nightmare this morning. No, Terri, not that we were out of rum.)
Okay, so is everyone else's IC a woman? I mean, I realize women are better at being critical than a man can be, but you guys haven't met my father.
Hellion: I won!! *excited she has won an all-expense paid trip to DC*
Dad: Yeah. *clearly disbelieving*
Hellion: *losing excitement, asking though she knows better* Don't you think I deserved to win?
Dad: Not really. I didn't understand your essay. Amy's was funny--it had Hillbillies in it.
Hellion: MINE was funny.
Dad: I suppose so. *pause* But not as funny as Amy's.
Your dad sounds like mine did. LOL!
Oh, speaking of HP, Hellion.... I hit a brick wall in my writing this weekend and decided to read something to get the juices going again. But, I can't read romances right now, so close to the end of my book, so I read Deathly Hallows again. And sweet lord that woman's writing is so awesome and I so so love that book.
And, the posted new pics from HBP on mugglenet and I can't wait to see that movie.
HBP is out this November? Hip-hip-hooray!!! I can dress as Hermione this year!!
I love re-reading the HP series. I love her metaphors and just her style. It makes me feel inadequate...sorta like Lisa Kleypas' contemporaries do. *LOL*
I hate my inner critic. That's about all the time I have. But I wanted to tell you that I absolutely loved this blog.
Hilarious as usual. "I'm gonna wash that bitch right out of my head." LMFAO
Totally understand, Sin. Take care and be safe--and I'll talk to you later!!
Ooh, from Mission Impossible to South Pacific. How inspired! LOL! I love this blog. I'm even wearing a shirt that I could slide off my shoulder for the dance numbers.
I seem to have beaten back my inner critic. And I do believe the IC is female. The only time the IC is male is when I'm looking in the mirror. Stupid scumbag.
I've finally convinced myself this first draft doesn't have to be perfection. Or even moderately good. The story has to be good and it has to be on paper (the screen) in order for me to make the writing better. It's working for now. And I have everything crossed it's going to continue to work.
Marn - I love that convo with your muse and IC. LOL! I don't have a muse that talks to me. It in my nature to do things myself without ever asking for help. I could never ask or expect a muse to help me! It goes against everything I am. LOL!
AHahhaaaaahaha …OMG! I’m laughing so hard I feel like I’m gonna puke. Oh gawd, please Stop….stop singing! And waddah yah mean, yor pa doesn’t think that you’re funny? Jeez. I know funny. And I’m the Reader. Which means I’m in Charge. See? So IF I say yer funny then That’s all that MATTERS. Because bottom line, it’s all about what I Like. And speaking of bottoms ( lines that is) and what I like,,, not that I don’t like viewing certain gentlemen’s bottoms … or lines for that matter… uh where was I? Oh yah, bottom lines. Bottom line hellion you are funny & talented and after reading this:
Hellion: You know, I don’t know. If you heard him, it was like God was speaking.
Terrio: God is more diplomatic.
Hellion: Clearly you haven’t read the Old Testament.
I’m thinking “Oh for Heaven’s sake, would someone please give the woman her own TV show? Or some kind of media outlet? I haven’t laughed so hard… or been so entertained In Years.”
My IC is a gay male. It makes sense, trust me.
ME: I really think Liam and Maddie suck right now.
IC: Make him gay.
ME: NO.
IC: Well, at least make one character gay. You're no fun. Gays do everything better, Ely.
ME: One character.
IC: And don't make the character wear sparkles or a pink feather boa or like Cher. So cliched.
ME: *affronted* Like I would ever do that.
IC: And don't make your character one of those gays in romances that don't have their own lives and live to do everything for the hero or heroine. You know, like an assistant.
ME: Shit. *deleting* Then *idea*
IC: Bitch, that could work. But a secondary romance is tricky...
ME: Not when it's set in California.
IC: *shutting up*
*Pinky & the Brain look, tapping fingers together* You KNOW, I've always wanted my own SNL type skit show...
Speaking of irreverent divinely funny, Julie, have your YouTubed the God & Lucifer (Lucifer is a woman; and God is well, sorta goofy but a riot) skits? OMG.
And you'd have to meet my father: you'd think he was funny too. Esp when he gets around his sister, Helen. God, those two are a riot.
Ely - LMAO!! That's hilarious! :) I think you IC and mine would get on well. My old lady IC would certainly never find fault in your IC's accessorizing, while she finds me perfectly hopeless. (I'm convinced I can match pale blue with khaki green. I don't care what she says.)
Terri, why am I not surprised you don't have a muse? Actually I don't think I have a muse either. I think I accidentally killed her off when I thought, "I don't believe in muses. I believe in BICHOK." And I don't really want a girl muse either. That's not exactly inspiring, is it? Jack Sparrow...or Will Turner...or a dozen other good looking men. They are my muses. Only they're wholly unhelpful.
Jack: I think we should start drinking more rum.
ME: We're in a church. I can hardly bring out the flask and get pissed, regardless how boring the preacher is. Besides this scene takes place during Prohibition and my heroine is a teetotaler.
Jack: Really? Why would you write about someone like that for?
Will: I think it's noble.
Jack: There is no help for you.
James Norrington: I think it's spot on. Following the rules...
Jack: *flouncing out of the room* I am not working with these Nancy boys!
Will: Just who are you calling a Nancy boy, Nancy boy?
James: *snickering, high-fives Will* Good one.
ME: You guys aren't helping.
Hyde: Maybe...you're not in the right Zone. Maybe...you need some inspiration. *pulls out a Mary Jane*
Eric: Yeah. Where are the brownies?
ME: I'm dieting, you goons. Brownies?
James: That cigarette smells funny.
Hyde & Eric: *laughing like loons*
ME: Where are the brownies?
LOL!! I love our internal monologues today! The boat is brimming with insanity! Muhahah!
Absolutely hilarious, Hellion.
I'm afraid my IC has split personalities. Somewhere between the Catholic headmistress rapping my knuckles with a wooden ruler and the hell fire and damnation Baptist preacher. I think when it comes down to it she's more like a whip wielding Cruella De Vil.
I think I need something stronger than bitch purging shampoo to get rid of my IC. ;)
Great Blog!!!!
Renee
*ROTFL* I love the gay IC! Yes, don't have the cliche, Ely...that's so...Will & Grace.
Marnee, I empathize. But I walk around in Jack Sparrow pjs...so there is a lot more to pick on. I do try not to go to town in them though.
Renee, there is always rum. You know what the Baptists say, Where three or four are gathered, there is generally a fifth.
Are you calling me predictable? Oh, who am I kidding.
I love that you just combined That 70s Show with POTC. LOL! But what about Fezz?! LOL! Is that his name? I'm sure his idea would be to take off everyone's clothes.
Ely - that is hyterical. I LOVE that you shut him up. LOL!
LMAO!!
I'm remembering Hellion strolling into the Norfolk Sheriton hotel at 4 in the morning wearing those Captain Jack PJs.
OMG! That was so freaking funny. And NO ONE batted an eye.
Believe me Hellion, I've been drinking my fair share of rum lately. And good gravy, are you telling me I might have five Baptist preachers? *shivers* You better break out another barrel and where's the pistol, I think I need to shoot my IC.
Renee
Yes, well, at least I was CLOTHED at the hotel. That couldn't be said for all its occupants.
I'm not a fan of Fezz, so he's not allowed in my circle. I did forget Michael; he's almost be as good.
Well, Renee, if you have 5 Baptist preachers in the room, you won't have to worry about them. They'll be too busy arguing which of them interpretted some verse correctly--and therefore, which of them will be making it to heaven while the rest of them won't. *LOL* (Protestantism has no gray area at all!)
LMAO, Hellion. How'd you know? My current wip is set during the Reformation and I was trying to figure out how to tactfully handle that bit of history. I think you may have just got me out of my Theological bind.
I'd like to hear more about this 4 a.m jaunt through the hotel.
Renee
You have Capt. Jack pj's, Hellion? Wuaaaaa! I want some!!
Wow! I'm speechless. This is the funniest blog I've ever read! I fell so inadequate right now. *hangs head*
Between Mina Jojovich and my church choir, my IC posse keeps me busy.
Me- This idea rocks!
MJ- Zhou cannot be zerious.
Choir- Halleluyah!
Me- Why not? Its romance, its historical, with adventure on the high seas, how can I lose?
MJ- Zere is no comparizon to Voodiviss, Garvood. Zis idea vould never make is past the poop deck.
Me- But I've researched and plotted...
Choir- Halleluyah! Hal-le-e-lu-yah!
MJ- Shut zem up, vill you?
Me- Uh, the choir is inspirational.
MJ- Only until you write that zex zene. Vat vill they do zen?
Choir- Sex?
Me- Uh, romance.
MJ- Vere have you been?
Choir- Did you say sex?
MJ- Vere are your halleluyahs now, eh?
Choir- Sex?
MJ- Yes, yes. There vill be sex and plenty of it, you simpletons if you leave her alone. Zat is vhy I am here.
Me- Well, I uh, need my space. Would all of you mind...
Choir- Sex?
Me- You can leave now. I'll see you on Wednesday. Quit looking over my shoulder! Really, really, I'm going to write this no matter what you say.
MJ- Ve vill zee, K-Mart!
ROFL!! Kathy, you're cracking me up! And if that's a Catholic Choir, don't let them fool you. There will be plenty of Halleluyahs during ze sex.
LOL!
KATHY! That's awesome! Halleluyah!! ha hahaha!!
Yes, so true about not all occupents being clothed. Not that I would know, I was only the chauffeur.
*rolls eyes*
I swear that was the BEST WEEK EVER. LOL!
Renee: I'm a Baptist. *LOL* SOUTHERN Baptist, which I think are the BAPTISTS of the Baptists. Though I don't attend now. I can't stand the arguing, esp since I don't agree with most of it. Half the time I want to say, "None of you are going, you Sunday Christians!", but I'm pretty sure I'd get stoned. I prefer attending the non-denominational churches. They're a little more...flexible. And happy. I want happy sermons.
Kathy: *LOL* I love the inner dialogue!! And the hallaleuahs...actually, I don't even get those anymore. I get the equivalent of what I got on one of my dates with Tom, upon actually making a shot during pool: "OMG, it went in!", and he didn't sound teasing, he sounded amazed like a monkey that typed Hamlet or something.
Yeah, as for the story: I went in to collect an unclothed person. *LOL* I did a lot of staring above the neck as we negotiated when we'd be leaving.
I'd have looked down. Just sayin'....
PLUS I would have been been derailed by what was probably pointing north.
Moral compass.
*Spewing drink all over computer screen.*
Ah, but I wouldn't have been looking for north. LOL!
*passes Kathy a towel for her monitor*
Sure, it might have been west by northwest. Whatever.
I wonder if it said Louisville on it?
*snort*
LMAO! My computer screen can't take much more. Dare I say it?
Was there perhaps a 'Hail to the Queen'?
Kathy - more like saluting America's pasttime. LOL!
And I just have to say, there were rum runners involved at some point during the evening in question. Not imbibed by me, but by others. That should explain away many questions. Which would be good because it also cleared away the answers.
I think if it had said, "Hail to the Queen", I would be telling a MUCH different story.
Yeah, and I'd still be sitting in that truck waiting for your ass.
OMG! Hilarious! I finally get a minute to serf the web and this is what I find. Excellent, Hellion. Thanks for making my trip worth while! Honey, don't let anyone tell you you are not funny!
I think my IC got tired of waiting around for me to give it something to do and took off. Maybe now is the time to sneek back to the computer and fake her out! And I do believe when she does rear her ugly head she is a she! I'm sure there's some psychology behind that but I don't care to figure it out.
OMG!!!! Moral compass, Hail to the Queen *breathe, breathe*
Renee
We haven't hit a tangent like this in a long time. LOL! Glad we could entertain and sorry about the spewing on keyboards and monitors. It's totally unintentional.
OMG! I just got to "no KitchenAids" and had to stop and catch my breath. What kind of HELL--no pun intended--are you sending them to??
Okay, I feel better now. Going back to reading the post.
Lordy, my IC is on duty ALL the damn time. I complain to Jack is what I do. (Whine might be a better description.)
When he's heard the same disparaging comments from me long enough, he says something like, "Why don't you just stop writing if you're so disgusted?" I shake like a bird after a dip in the birdbath and look all hurt. "I thought you supported my writing! I'll just have to show you I can do it." He says, "Whatever," smiles and goes on with what he was doing. So far that routine has worked. :)
Okay, I'll bite. My curiosity is picked. Who exactly are we talking about? Who's the naked guy? Because I'm certainly wondering why Terrio would be in the truck. :-)
Kathy - I hate to report, those kinds of details are not blog fodder. LOL! But you're going to be in San Fran, right? Consider us having a date to fill you in.
Kathy, definitely pair up with Terri. She tells a good story. She probably still has the pictures on her phone.
Irish--you should definitely try to fake her out again! Do it! Do it! We're all cheering for you!
Dee--I'm sending them to Vegas, to the smallest, most pathetic apartment I can find, with a tiny kitchen with no KitchenAids, an AC unit that half works (I wonder if that's allowed in Vegas? It's probably against the law...but we're going to pretend), and only one bedroom. Oh, and Lucy is living with them! In theory, I should be tearing up the pages to write all this down...but am I? Nooooo.
Just one more teeny, tiny question, Hellion, Sweet. *Dee says with a winning smile*
If you're playing fast and free with Adam and his BIG ol' snake (I can see you blushing, you know), why the hell haven't I seen the completed Liv and Ben (especially Ben)???
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