There are some real disadvantages to living on a pirate ship. Other than that sex in a swinging hammock thing not being all that easy, I'd say the lack of electrical outlets is the biggest hassle. Since we can read and write by candlelight, it's not the end of the world. But listening to audio devices gets a little complicated.

That's why when I take my little road trips away from the ship, I almost always listen to an audiobook. And this weekend was no different. I've listened to three audiobooks so far this year and I have the same problem with all of them. The way the person reads the story is not the same way I would read it. It throws me off and, I believe, ruins the experience of the book for me.

It comes down to inflection. By putting the emphasis on the wrong word, the narrator can change the meaning of the entire sentence. Something that should have been a demand may come across as pleading. Sarcasm can be lost completely and we won't even go into the timing required for comedy.

Since I'm the example queen, I'm going to give an example. I know, big shocker. Anyway, lets choose something simple. I'm going to type out one line of dialog and bold the words I want emphasized. Now, obviously, it's hard to do this stuff out of context but since we're talking about reading this line aloud, I think this can work.

"If I wanted her, I'd have her."

With the emphasis on "wanted" and "have", this is a bold statement most likely of challenge. You can see the character saying it with eyes narrowed and jaw clenched. But what if I change it just a bit?

"If I wanted her, I'd have her."

This is much more insulting than challenging and meant to put the other character in his/her place. The speaking character is trying to make a point, defend himself or getting tired of arguing. Maybe by now you've figured out the dilemma.

We can't go through out books making bold all the words we want emphasized. This is where action tags play a key roll. Action tags are often thought of as throw away bits. Just two or three words to make sure the reader knows who is speaking. But they can do so much more.

"If I wanted her, I'd have her," he growled, never blinking.

Or

"If I wanted her, I'd have her," he roared, throwing his hands in the air.

Now there is no mistaking how I want these lines to be interpreted. Even the simple change of the word "growled" to "roared" can change the context and meaning.

As you write, do you use action tags to their full advantage? Do you ever wonder if what the reader hears in her mind is what you intended with your words? Do you think I'm totally full of crap and have figured out that I had no idea what to write about today? And have you ever listened to an audiobook and wished you'd read it instead?

I'm not a fan of oatmeal. Never have been: gluey, paste-colored stuff that could double as much for mortar as the breakfast of champions, but unfortunately, it's healthy. Loads of fiber, long lasting qualities, and less likely to cause jean shrinkage. Twinkies were more my gig as a kid. Light, fluffy, full of preservatives and sugar. No nutritional value whatsoever. Unfortunately, much more likely to cause jean shrinkage since it takes loads more Twinkies to equate to the fiber quality of a bowl of oatmeal. (But you can't say I didn't try.)

This is the parable of Oatmeal versus Twinkies.

Oatmeal is...what you should do; and Twinkies are...what you want to do but really doesn't show any obvious benefit in any way. But in the world of diets, there is room for both; and though the Twinkies must be moderated much more than oatmeal, there is something to be said for them.

So everyday, you're committed to your oatmeal, what must be done. Everything that must be done, and that includes prescribing to the best of all Nora Commandments: sit and write, regardless of Muse 'inspiration'. In this, the oatmeal is what we need. We need to sit and write, no matter what; God knows not everything you'll write will be brilliant. Or even remotely readable. But every day, you get up and eat your oatmeal. It's good for you and will contribute to an overall healthy life.

But don't forget about the Twinkies.

In moderation, a Twinkie now and again will contribute to your overall morale (God knows my morale is improved if I have a Twinkie to look forward to), and will make the oatmeal a bit easier to choke down in the morning. And what is it we want to do when faced with a story that won't write itself? What's our Twinkie? Yes--getting away from the computer.

Obviously getting away from your computer sounds counterproductive to writing your book--but that's where you're wrong. This is about inspiration. This is about FINDING your muse rather than waiting for it to return. Please note: getting away from the computer is different than just ignoring your laptop at home and watching North & South for the 100th time. Richard is not going to say anything new. Neither are your nearest and dearest--they're likely to just grunt, dirty up the dishes and throw underwear on the floor. Hardly conducive to writing about love and romance.

You're writing about the human experience, so you need to go out among other humans and experience it. Pretend it's an anthropology project and you're studying a new culture. Just exactly what sort of breed frequents Barnes & Noble and lurks at the Starbucks. Besides you, obviously. Or better, go somewhere outside your comfort zone and lurk and observe. Find that perfect bit of dialogue in someone else's conversation. Take a hike if your hero is a naturalist. Go to a bar and order a drink only your heroine would drink. If your heroine is organic and bit granola, go to the local farmer's market or natural whole-foods store--and buy something she'd eat. Take a walk in your character's shoes. Buy something that would be important to your character. Listen.

What I'm saying is: GET A LIFE. Or in the case of eavesdropping, pretend you're getting someone else's life.

The daily 8-5 is a drag. The pre-scheduled gym visits; the gripe sessions with the girls on Tuesday; the bedding down of Junior who insists on THREE bedtime stories *and* a drink of water--it's so routine. It's so easy, so tiring to be lost in the everyday and have nothing to write about. Even if you're just making it up. Even if this is the part of the day just for you. It's hard to be imaginative when the walls of your world are oatmeal colored day after day.

I'm not saying make some other commitment of time. Don't join the PTA or the Gardeners' Society, where you're made to suck out another 2-3 hours of your week to pacifying them. I'm saying take an hour to be invisible somewhere else, where the walls aren't oatmeal, where you might find some color to put on your blank page. Go out and enjoy your Twinkie.

How apparent is it to everyone Capt'n Hellion had nothing to write about? Who agrees CH needs to get a life? Who would like to send her more Twinkies? Who actually likes oatmeal? Who wishes I had used the Chocolate Cupcakes rather than the Twinkies?