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Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Paradox
Influence this week: The End is the Beginning is the End- Smashing Pumpkins
The sunshine was warm and a little blinding. It was the first thing you noticed when you stepped off the plane. You could feel the warmth of the sun even as you walked away from the airplane into the nicely air conditioned airport. I felt it haunting me like a bad stepchild, the sun dogged my every step until I stepped outside and faced it in all it's glory. Warmth on my face. The rays soaked into my skin and bounced off my sunglasses. It shines off your hair and windows and buildings and blindingly white teeth and fake tanned skin. It's everywhere.
And I hate it.
I tugged my sweatshirt sleeves down further and let my hair down from a messy ponytail.
"Are you coming or what?" She's very impatient with me. Even though I've been through this a million times, it's all new to her. The last time she arrived in the city that rose from its ashes, it wasn't the sun that was the concern. The shuttle bus was just ahead, into the blinding rays beating down onto the oceans of asphalt and smog. I could hear the constant drone of horns and tires waling on the freeway.
"Yeah, yeah. Watch the cars."
I ducked into the shuttle bus without much sun exposure. I felt it burning my neck and I reached up to pull up my hood.
"It's 80 degrees." He looked from one window to the next and tried to get a glimpse of the next airplane coming onto the runway. "It's nice."
I debated between shooting someone a nasty look from the top of my sunglasses or make like I was deaf.
I made like I was deaf.
I plugged my iPod into my ears and shuffled off the bus with the rest of the herd. Inside, more air conditioning, more people. More tourists with no idea of where they were going or what they were doing. More people going home to places with snow on the ground and their heat blowing at full blast. I couldn't wait to get out of here.
There was no wait in line. As soon as the keys hit my palm I was off running. I weaved and sped and with the windows down, enjoyed the jolt of adrenaline from rush hour traffic. It was nearly dark when we pulled into the driveway. It was peaceful, calm. The light shot over the mountains and made a halo around the mountain tops. The train was in the far distance and speeding our way. I had a seat on the sidewalk and looked up at the sky. It was too bad I needed the sun to survive because I really didn't enjoy being cooked up for dinner like an ant in the magnifying glass. It was beautiful blue with jet streaks of white. The moon full against the palm trees. Life was strange. How can something kill me and keep me alive?
__
We all hate something that's good for us. I'm not going to lie. The sun is good for me in ways I might never understand, and it keeps me happy and alive; but every time I step into it, I feel the heat burning into me, branding me. I try to liken it to that feeling of lactic acid burning in your muscles when you start working them. It's not something you're used to feeling and it feels wrong and your brain starts screaming for you to stop. But you have to keep going or the cycle won't break.
I love writing but it drives me crazy. Insane. I hear voices in my head. I have someone telling me what to write and when to write it and I sometimes find myself while typing reading what I'm writing and saying to myself that I've lost my mind. My characters often find themselves in situations they can't control, can't begin to understand or what to understand. It's because life is a paradox and we're all swept up in the drama of it. Writing about life and characters and plots, we're swept away in the grandeur of it all.
Don't get me wrong. Life is a wonderful thing; but confusing and difficult and one of those things that no matter what you do you're doing it right and wrong at the same time. Writing is this way. There is no wrong way to write. Writing is putting down words on a page for reading material. Even though we hear the little voices telling us what to do, and tell the story they way that they want it told, it doesn't mean it's the right way. It's just a means to an end.
Do you ever relay your vacation stories into your own writing? It's obvious that I couldn't find a real topic to spew about this week and it's now obvious that I didn't come back all mellow and relaxed. Anything that really drives you crazy that you give to your characters to drive them crazy?
The sunshine was warm and a little blinding. It was the first thing you noticed when you stepped off the plane. You could feel the warmth of the sun even as you walked away from the airplane into the nicely air conditioned airport. I felt it haunting me like a bad stepchild, the sun dogged my every step until I stepped outside and faced it in all it's glory. Warmth on my face. The rays soaked into my skin and bounced off my sunglasses. It shines off your hair and windows and buildings and blindingly white teeth and fake tanned skin. It's everywhere.
And I hate it.
I tugged my sweatshirt sleeves down further and let my hair down from a messy ponytail.
"Are you coming or what?" She's very impatient with me. Even though I've been through this a million times, it's all new to her. The last time she arrived in the city that rose from its ashes, it wasn't the sun that was the concern. The shuttle bus was just ahead, into the blinding rays beating down onto the oceans of asphalt and smog. I could hear the constant drone of horns and tires waling on the freeway.
"Yeah, yeah. Watch the cars."
I ducked into the shuttle bus without much sun exposure. I felt it burning my neck and I reached up to pull up my hood.
"It's 80 degrees." He looked from one window to the next and tried to get a glimpse of the next airplane coming onto the runway. "It's nice."
I debated between shooting someone a nasty look from the top of my sunglasses or make like I was deaf.
I made like I was deaf.
I plugged my iPod into my ears and shuffled off the bus with the rest of the herd. Inside, more air conditioning, more people. More tourists with no idea of where they were going or what they were doing. More people going home to places with snow on the ground and their heat blowing at full blast. I couldn't wait to get out of here.
There was no wait in line. As soon as the keys hit my palm I was off running. I weaved and sped and with the windows down, enjoyed the jolt of adrenaline from rush hour traffic. It was nearly dark when we pulled into the driveway. It was peaceful, calm. The light shot over the mountains and made a halo around the mountain tops. The train was in the far distance and speeding our way. I had a seat on the sidewalk and looked up at the sky. It was too bad I needed the sun to survive because I really didn't enjoy being cooked up for dinner like an ant in the magnifying glass. It was beautiful blue with jet streaks of white. The moon full against the palm trees. Life was strange. How can something kill me and keep me alive?
__
We all hate something that's good for us. I'm not going to lie. The sun is good for me in ways I might never understand, and it keeps me happy and alive; but every time I step into it, I feel the heat burning into me, branding me. I try to liken it to that feeling of lactic acid burning in your muscles when you start working them. It's not something you're used to feeling and it feels wrong and your brain starts screaming for you to stop. But you have to keep going or the cycle won't break.
I love writing but it drives me crazy. Insane. I hear voices in my head. I have someone telling me what to write and when to write it and I sometimes find myself while typing reading what I'm writing and saying to myself that I've lost my mind. My characters often find themselves in situations they can't control, can't begin to understand or what to understand. It's because life is a paradox and we're all swept up in the drama of it. Writing about life and characters and plots, we're swept away in the grandeur of it all.
Don't get me wrong. Life is a wonderful thing; but confusing and difficult and one of those things that no matter what you do you're doing it right and wrong at the same time. Writing is this way. There is no wrong way to write. Writing is putting down words on a page for reading material. Even though we hear the little voices telling us what to do, and tell the story they way that they want it told, it doesn't mean it's the right way. It's just a means to an end.
Do you ever relay your vacation stories into your own writing? It's obvious that I couldn't find a real topic to spew about this week and it's now obvious that I didn't come back all mellow and relaxed. Anything that really drives you crazy that you give to your characters to drive them crazy?
Labels:
Quartermaster's Queries (Sin),
Sin
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36 comments:
Hahahahahahahaha! Sin's back all mellow and relaxed? We never expected that! You like the new crown Mattycakes has?
My mom-in-law drives me crazy and she appears in my books all the time! My ICD drives me crazy and it makes an appearnce... Friendships that implode wind up in my writing... Family all the time!
It's scary. Anyone who really knows me is going to see things right and left. Right and wrong. One reason why there's always going to be stories that are not for publication...
Vacations make appearances, you bet. It's all grist for the mill. Ice for the blender... All of it. Welcome back!
Sin, I've said before that I feel the exact same way about the sun. I don't tan. If I'm out in direct sunlight for more than five minutes, I burn. I don't even have a tan phase, just RED, red, pink, pink, light pink, white. Rinse repeat.
Things that drive me crazy, huh? I think family drives everyone crazy to some extent and I think it turns up sometimes in my writing. I think everyone's dysfunctions begin or end with family. Great blog hun.
Welcome back, Sin! That scene you describe sounds like heaven. We haven't seen the sun in a week. It's supposed to be back today and I'm quite excited about that.
A couple years ago I took a trip to Ocracoke and shortly after came up with a story idea set there. So my vacation experience won't have a part, but the setting will.
Marn - You're so right about family. Mine drives me nuts. So much so that it's easier to ignore them. They take the "fun" out of dys"fun"ctional.
Chance, that little crown just gives him all kinds of personality. I loved it so much I pitched it off the side when we were in port. And I took him out of those clothes you put him in too. He's much happier when he's running around naked.
I guess I'm lucky because I have a wonderful MIL. But my sis drives me insane. I want to choke her when I come within five miles of contact. So a lot of the famililial fighting between sisters in my writing stems from a lot of things I'd love to do. LOL
Marn, I'm that way as well. During the great tanning craze of 1999-2000, I tried tanning booths only to figure out that I was never going to tan no matter what I did. I burn like a lobster in boiling hot water. Then it flakes off real bad and I go back to being lily white. So now I just avoid it all together. My skin thanks me for it. Although usually one arm is tanner than the other because I've always got my windows down on the car in the summer because I can't stand to run the A/C.
Ter, thanks for the welcome back darlin'.
When I think of where you live I just naturally associate it with sun. I don't ever think about you going without it. Sort of like Phoenix. At least you're near the ocean.
I have that same one arm darker than the other problem. LOL! Mostly due to my extended roadtrips to Knoxville. I even get sun burn on my left leg sometimes. Silly look, let me tell you.
Yeah, you'd think beach and assume we'd have sun all the time. But no. Though it's not usually as bad as it's been this week. Fortunately, we have way more sun than rain around here. And we do have the ocean to enjoy. The irony is that the ocean is 7 miles from my apartment and I almost never go down there. LOL!
Oh, and my paternal great-grandmother was pure American Indian. Think I got any of that nice tanning ability? Nope. My pale, blonde, German mother gave me all her pale as a ghost genes. Dang it.
And you're insane because if I lived that close to the ocean, I'd be there at least twice a week. Regardless of the weather.
I'm a little of everything, so any kind of pigment coloring I might have gotten, no matter what the dosage, the ghost gene has weeded it out.
Ter, that's so neat about your great-gramma. Did you ever get to meet her?
welcome back Sin! I have those days, where there are so many insane voices in my head and I think I'm losing my mind for wanting to write. Luckily, there are just enough good days scattered in to make it worth while (most of the time *g*)
I love paradox, and I love characters who's emotions are so mixed and confusing that they have no idea what they're doing or why. My hero right now is madly in love with his wife, but believes she betrayed him and had him set up to be killed, so detests her. When she implodes back into his life 6 years later, he's definitely confused, poor guy *g*
oh, and I *love* the beach! i'm 20 miles away, but go most weekends. Dogs are allowed on the boardwalk for a few more weeks until summer (and the crowds) hit, so we've been taking the puppy.
Sin - I've been told I met her when I was 2 but of course don't remember. Never saw her again. She lived in Salt Lake City and I'm told sold Indian jewelry, but in my family it's hard to know what to believe.
I should go to the beach. I think about it. But I rarely go. I'd only go to walk anyway. Neither kiddo or I like salt water and she hates the sand. But our apartment complex has a pool and she's like a fish when it comes to pools.
I don't like being in the sun either. Esp if it's a HOT day. I don't mind the sunshine on a nice spring day, a mellow breezy 75 degree day. But 85 degrees and humid? Or 100 degrees and humid? No. It's nasty, and I don't like it...and I won't do it. I don't tan either. I burn. Then I peel, and for a year, you'll see the burn lines. Pasty white with lines of semi-pasty white, so I just look like some discolored person who is going to get skin cancer soon.
I used to tan as a kid, but not any more. Now I just burn...and my wrinkles get deeper. I try to avoid being outside as much as possible.
As for "have my vacations made it into my novels"--sorta. I've been to Grand Cayman (AWESOME) and I had Ben & Live go there to be married. (After all, I thought when I went there: I would SO love to be married there. So I let Livie get married there. Someone might as well have my dream come true. *LOL*) I haven't been to Vegas--and that's where the other book takes place. I have considered going for "research" purposes. *LOL* But I don't like being hot...and I don't like gambling--which I think are the two biggest draws. Wouldn't want to spend the money on shows...and I can't afford to attend the buffets because I need to fit into these jeans, man.
I haven't written enough books to incorporate a vacation yet. *LOL* But yeah, if I did, I'd likely use one I'd been on. Or I'd made up one about Scotland...and make sure everything that could go wrong, did...because that'd be funny.
Being in crowds or around loud abrasive people makes me crazy...I don't really give my characters that problem though. Actually everything drives me crazy, if you give me enough time, so I generally work that stuff in.
Don't blame me fer the little outfit, that were Q!
Ah, I love the sun...but I live where it's not so strong and bitter. I been told ta watch it when in Florida...big hats, sunscreen and glasses. It be healthier.
Ya didn't like the crown and tossed it overboard...? What'l I tell the queen? Said I'd send it back if she don't press charges... blast!
The Bonster hasn't been to the beach much. But we walks along the bluff watching the waves crash couple a' times a week.
Hola Hal! How's the little monster doing?
I love doing evil stuff to my characters. Though being in love with someone who tried to have you killed is pretty wicked. I like it though. LOL
Ter, I'm not a fan of swimming in salt water either but it's the whole feeling of standing at the edge of something so vast and consuming. It's like the edge of the world.
hola Sin! The little monster is just that - a little monster. she ate another library book this week, and a rug. But she's just so darn cute :)
I'm being entirely evil in this MS. I'm also breaking all the cardinal rules of romance. the hero, after having sex with his ex-wife (heroine), walked directly to his girlfriend (IRA terrorist) and proceeded to have sex with her too. Opps.
The hubs says to me, "well, if you can't do that in romance, than delete the scene." I said, "I can't. That's what he wanted to do. I can't stop him." He looks at me sideways and says "Hello! You're writing it. You're in control, you can do whatever you want."
Oh, if only he knew....
Hellie, I've always wanted to go to Grand Cayman. I bet the waters there are so beautiful.
I've been to Florida. I didn't like it. Some say it's because I went to Orlando. I say it was because there wasn't enough warmth to counteract the weird smell.
Chance, don't you dare blame the outfit on my sweet wicked Q.
And we can just pirate another crown. She'll never notice the difference. Well as long as they don't put it under the microscope. *evil laugh*
Hal, I hate when Mattycakes says to me, "Why are you muttering to yourself? No one is ever going to read it anyway."
Which is true; but still. If I don't mutter, then I have no idea who's really talking inside my head. And if I tell him that, he really will dump me off on the side of the road in the middle of looneyville.
Hal - I hate to say it, but I agree with your DH on this one. The character doesn't always know best and letting a man have his way everytime it comes to sex means he'll have sex with every female character within a four shelf range!
When I went on a cruise at 16, I had to go through Miami. Didn't like it at all. But I loved the cruise. Grand Cayman is still the most beautiful place I've ever been.
Marnee Jo said, "I think everyone’s dysfunctions begin or end with family."
Truer words, my sister. Truer words.
And Terri, I agree with Sin. You are insane. You live by the beach and don't go there. Why live there then? People live at the beach to be on the beach, no? You should probably move ;)
As for vacations, I guess I'm doing the opposite. I research a place for the setting of my books then take a vacation there just to see if I captured it. I figure, if I'm led there by some reason, I'm supposed to go, right?--if I can.
It seems the older I get, the more everything seems to be paradoxical, Sin.
Red wine?--good for the heart, bad for cancer.
Broccoli?--good for cancer, bad for indigestion.
Doughnuts?--good for tongue, bad for ass.
Drives me nuts.
Sin - "If I don’t mutter, then I have no idea who’s really talking inside my head." - LMAO!! I know the feeling. It's probably better we keep information like that to ourselves *g*
Ter - you may be right. I spent a week wrestling with this chapter, and kept trying to write it other ways. Finally I gave up and wrote what he (hero) wanted me to write. I *think* it works - I think there's enough emotion to make it more heart breaking than skivvy. We'll see!
"have sex with very female character within a four shelf range!" LOL!! How hilarious would that be to write! Acheron jumps out of Sherrilyn Kenyon's book into one of Lisa Kleypas' historicals two books down on the shelf. LOL!
Gee, J, where do you think I should move? *rolls eyes*
I think once we realize we'll never understand everything, the better off we are. As I say in my little book blurbs, sometimes letting go is the only way to hold on.
I think I'd like to take J Perry's approach and come up with some really awesome locations and travel there to do research - Ireland, Scotland, England, etc. etc. etc.
Welcome back, Sin!
I'm the opposite of you when it comes to the sun. When you were describing that feeling you get when the sun hits your skin I was oohing and aahing. I would love nothing better than to fall asleep on a beach blanket with the sun's rays beating down on me. Unfortunately, due to my Irish skin, I instead avoid the sun and lather on anything with an SPF of 85 or greater when I'm out and about. I think a majority of my love for the sun comes from the fact that I'm so flipping cold 90% of the year that when I get a chance to be warm I'm all over it.
If you love the feeling of standing by the ocean and feeling the wide expanse of nothingness you would really love a cruise. That is one of the things I remember most about it - standing at the rail late at night and staring out into the darkness. It was pretty cool! Just make sure the person standing behind you doesn't collect obscene amounts of money if you disappear!
BTW - I really have no idea what that last sentence means. The working title of my WIP is Letting Go and that line sounds paradoxical. LOL!
Come to think of it I don't think I have ever read a romance set on a cruise. Have any of you? That seems kind of strange to me. Especially since cruising was so big in the 80's - The Love Boat and all that. I would have thought some author would have jumped all over that.
Hey, Irish! How did you sneak all those comments in between mine? LOL! I never thought of that, but someone should write a romance set on a cruise ship.
Wait! I think Hellie was talking about a story set on a cruise ship just last week? Wasn't that what we were talking about?!
The Star Trek/Pirate Cruise Ship? The one with the beta white-collar hero with complete geek tendencies? Yes, that was me. I was trying to prove a point, but you ran with it.
Actually *I* have read a couple books where they took place on a cruise ship. All About Evie, by Beth Ciotta. It was really funny.
I don't remember the geek tendencies, I just remember him ending up on the *wrong* ship and having a girl (with a boy first name) roommate and they fall for each other. It's your idea, you write it! LOL! Or I'll use it for one of my short stories. I have those idea flying at me this week and I have this damn giant project to do. Wah!
JP, can't have wine so I'm not missing anything there. But I will tell you as soon as they said something about dark chocolate actually having some health benefit, I jumped right on that bandwagon. LOL
Everything in life is a giant paradox. You just have to be looking for it to see it.
Irish! If I were you and lived up there in the north, I think I'd go into hiding like polar bears and not come out until I saw the sun in June. Although, I've always thought I'd do great in the north where there is no sun for weeks on end.
And I'd love to take a cruise but I'm saddled with someone who hates to travel. And with all the people who disappear from a ship, I dunno if I want to be the next missing person. Especially if I were to go by myself.
Hey! Your lovely Q said me accent is hillbilly...I think 'e dressed the little mons---love in the uniform jus' ta get back at me fer sendin' 'im!
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