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Reflecting
I came across this article last week that caught my eye. The article, titled Book Offers Novel Approach to Weight Loss, talks about a study conducted at Duke University in which obese teen girls reading a book with a weight-management storyline resulted in those same girls losing weight. This is the first study "to show a relationship between reading and making positive, healthy lifestyle changes," according to study author Alexandra C. Russell.
This got me to thinking. I've been reading Romance novels for almost twenty-five years. Could my choice of reading material have an affect on my lifestyle choices? This begged further attention, so the analysis began.
I started reading mainstream Romance as a teen. These books had a great deal of sex as this was still the age of the "bodice ripper". I hate that term with a passion, by the way, but it fits in this instance. In my teenage years (prepare to learn more about me than you likely wanted to know) I did not make the lifestyle choice of becoming sexually active. In fact, I think the books probably ingrained in me the idea that sex with the right person was the better way to go. And sure, the Catholic education may have contributed as well. So I waited.
I don't remember having a specific and detailed "man of my dreams" in mind as a teen. Unless you count Joe Elliott, but I'm pretty sure I didn't see him as husband material, even in my delusional teenage mind. For those wondering, Joe Elliott is the lead singer of Def Leppard. I was a head banger, what can I say? But I did have a long list of traits my eventual husband would have to possess in order to win me.
So we can say, so far, my choices were opposite the realities of the stories, but reflected the lessons involved. Interesting.
Moving on to my 20s. I believe it was around this time that Romance had much more variety to them than they do now. Which is ironic as I'm guessing there are more Romances on the shelves today than there was back then. I remember reading about drugs in Historicals and about infidelity and experimentation in Contemporaries. This must have been my own little experimental phase.
However, I did not carry those experiments into my lifestyle. In fact, my 20s could best be described as boring. Other than a couple years of partying, my 20s consisted of marrying, settling down, and starting a family. The true irony here is that you'd think after reading about the ideal man for so long, I would have chosen better. But I didn't. I settled and it didn’t work out. Whose idea was this analysis anyway? Oh yeah, mine. *sigh*
So instead of making choices that brought me my HEA, I went in the other direction. Again, my choices were opposite of the stories I was reading.
Onto my 30s. The message is getting through. By the time I turned 30, I'd lost myself somewhere. I'd like to think reading about heroines who were becoming increasingly more spunky and independent had something to do with me getting back on my feet and getting a back bone again. It was by far not the only contributor, but I'm guessing it played a small part. A good sign my choices had begun to come in line with the literature. There is hope for this endeavor yet.
To the present. I now have a quarter of a century of reading Romance under my belt. Give or take a few months. I have not found my personal HEA, but I do have a pretty good life. I like myself most of the time, I've worked hard to make a stable and somewhat comfortable home for myself and my daughter. And though my list of required traits in my hero is considerably shorter, I still have standards and I'm determined to stick to them.
Overall, I believe my reading history has shaped my life history. Though as we can see, that does not mean one must reflect the other. So, when the detractors say Romance novels give women unrealistic expectations for life and love, I say, bull shit. Romance novels have given me knowledge, adventure, laughter, tears, and hours (if not years) of entertainment. They've shown me what women can do, what we are capable of, and that redemption is always possible. They may not have handed me my perfect, real life HEA, but they have kept my hope alive.
What have Romance novels done for you? Do you believe they have had any affect on your choices over the years? If you've found your HEA, is he (or she) what you had in mind when you were making all those teenage diary entries? Or do you think this is all bunk and worthless rambling to fill a blog? ;)
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39 comments:
I loved Joe Elliot... he was a hunk. Oh and don't kill me but I was also in love with John Taylor from Duran Duran. Something about the hair I guess.
I'm still shell shocked after all the turmoil on world stock markets.
Thank goodness for Terri and her supremely sane approach to these more fundamental issues. *g*
Apart from some classics I didn't read any romance novels until my HEA was well established. So from my point of view 'this is all bunk and worthless rambling'.
Though I would say that it is beautifully written, well thought out and for the right person on the right occasion it could be the perfect read.
With the benefit of hindsight and vast worldly experience ( I8) ) think that most romance novels are pure fantasy world and no guide to real life choices. Though looking at my shattered share portfolio, ( carefully constructed to spread risk, following the best investment theory available ) I haven't done any better with investment than Terri has with her desired HEA.
My conclusion: Forget theory and analysis; don't make lists of required traits for your hero/heroine. In matters of love, life and happiness its best to follow your instincts for you are in the grip of life's torrent without an effective paddle.
Hmmm markets have started to rise. Perhaps I should quickly switch some bonds into shares now that the price is so low.....
Terri, Please bash me on the head before I lose more money! *g*
Very well done blog, Ter!
You know it's interesting, but romance novels made it a lot easier for me to leave a rather toxic relationship.
I can't say, though, that I've made a list of required traits for a man. I mean, there are certainly things I'd like but I try not to stick too rigidly to something that would be very difficult for a real guy to live up to.
I do not, however, think this blog is 'all bunk and worthless rambling'. I think it's good to have high standards-too many women have very low standards and do settle.
I guess what I'm saying is, it's important to have high stadards but not impossible standards.
Though, please be mindful of the fact that I'm only 23 and have VERY limited experience in these things. I haven't had enough time to gain any wisdom.
In the event that any of this made sense, I hope I've at least contributed something interesting.*g*
PS: I'm so happy you developed these standards and, as you say, a backbone. You're far too wonderful to be squandered on a loser.:)
Hey there, Natalie! Thanks for hopping aboard. I'm with you there on the John Taylor bus. But I've always had a thing for lead singers, so Simon was me favorite. :)
Q - I haven't figured out if you've insulted me or not. LOL! Worthless bunk?! That can't be good. But this was aimed a bit more at women and has much more to do with self esteem than with unrealistic standards or following a romance novel blueprint.
And though I've studied econ and am studying money and banking right now, I'm afraid all I can tell you about your present investment situation is be happy that everyone else is in the same sinking boat with you.
Kelly - I think the standards are much more about what you WON'T put up with than exactly what the guy has to be. For instance, I used to have a thing about guys being a certain height, but not anymore. However, I still have a thing about a guy being lazy or a liar, and those standards will never change.
It's about not settling, I think. That's the real trick. NOT to settle. And in Romance novels, no one ever settles.
Great Blog, Terri! :) I think when I was young, I was a lot more romantic than I am now. I don't mean that in a bad way. That romantic spirit made me want to have the kind of love that would last a lifetime, something I still believe in.
I don't think romance novels made me decide physical traits of my spouse. But, I do think the things in romance novels that make the relationships there successful (fidelity, loyalty, friendship) are things I wouldn't live without in my relationship.
So, in that way, my DH is my HEA.
I've been reading romance since my early twenties, with a huge chunk of time off when I was doing the raising four kids thing. Then I read mysteries, thrillers,some women's fiction, cereal boxes. I wonder why romance was such a turn-off---maybe between the diapers and braces and shoveling through the laundry pile it all seemed too ideal and unrealistic. I was fully aware of where sexual tension led, thank you very much.
I only picked up romance again about five years ago, and only because I wanted to write and wondered what was out there. I've also figured out who I am, and have the time to indulge myself. There is a "me" left now that the kids are gone, and I want to think about positive, life-affirming happily-ever-afters. The world is a messy place and people need an outlet to escape. I like to think I bring in some real issues which are dealt with honestly, but really, I've just fallen in love with all my heroes cause they're so damned perfect! Don't tell my husband.
Marnee - I have all the faith in the world that you DH is your HEA. And I'm not sure I'm any less romantic as my practical side has always won out. But I think I can see romance now in the little things where I never would have noticed it before. It's not the *ideal* as it used to be, but more as it really is.
Maggie - I promise not to tell. LOL! I've never hit a time when I stopped reading. But I have found that I've stopped journalling at times. And those are the happy times. I'm not sure what that says about me.
I have no Man List although there are certain traits that I always seem to be drawn to. I'd agree with Kel, have standards but don't make them impossible! I don't think romance novels have really affected my romantic life in any way. Like all other stories, they're an escape for me and I don't expect my own life to play out the same way. Not that I'd object if it did! :)
Interesting point about influence of romance novels over lifestyle choices. I've been reading romance since early middle school years and it's never made me do one thing or another. I find I tend to read books based on other things that are going on in my life but that it doesn't affect me vice versa.
I didn't start reading romance novels until I was about 26. During that time in my life it was a rough road of heartache. Romance novels gave me hope in that HEA, when I thought all was lost.
Renee
Steph - Maybe you've been influenced and don't even know it. LOL! You never know!
I'm thinking about that girl whose 15 and lives in a trailer park and sees her mother go through one jerk after another. She might think that's all there is. That she has no other options. Then she finds a Romance novel (or any novel really) and starts to think maybe there's more. It's that boost of confidence or whatever you want to call it that gives her something extra she needs to change her stars.
I don't know if romance novels have given me a list of qualities to look for in Mr. Right, other than maybe "NICE" or "HAS A JOB", which aren't bad things to put on your checklist of desirables in a potential mate.
Mostly I think romances remind...or reinforce that we're all deserving of love; and that we don't need to be anything other than...well, loving to get it. You want to be loved, be lovable. You don't have to be gorgeous, or have long legs, or save the whales. You don't have to be Angelina Jolie...or Salma Hayek. You don't have to be anyone but yourself--and you're just as deserving of love as Angelina or Salma.
Many people might think that should be "given", we all should know that...but many of us don't. Or we think everyone but us....
OH, and I find romance novels put me in the mood faster...and longer...so that's nice. For everyone. *LOL*
Renee - There's is that, isn't there? I can't say I think I'll ever have the knight ride in on his white horse and take me away to his castle to live HEA. BUT, I'd like to think I could find a modern day version that's a bit more realistic and fits for me. And I'd much rather have it be that we save each other anyway. :)
EXACTLY! I knew you'd say it better than I did. LOL! This isn't about check lists or finding perfection. It's about accepting inperfections, in ourselves and others, and learning to love them.
And that mood thing is a good thing too. LOL! If more guys knew what these books could do for his love life, sales would triple!
Terri said: But I have found that I’ve stopped journalling at times. And those are the happy times. I’m not sure what that says about me.
Tallulah Bankhead said the very quotable: Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time.
I think that explains it. *LOL*
Oh, I'll take that. LOL!
I read inspirational romance as a teenager, and it definitely influenced me (and not in a good way). I've got my fingers crossed that someone can tell me they've changed in the past 15 years, but when I was reading them (and these were the uber-conservative ones) the heroine was a perfect virgin who never made a wrong move, who convinced the hero to become a Christian. The hero then controlled every aspect of the relationship and made all he decisions, and at the end, they shared a perfect, life-altering kiss.
Talk about a distorted view of what a relationship should look like! Yikes! I would have been better off (and probably less of a prude *g*) reading all the sex!
No I read non-inspirational romance novels, and while I'm not sure they've had a lot of influence one way or the other (maybe because I'm no longer 14 and hopefully not so easily influenced).
Haleigh, I've never gotten into the inspirational romances. But I've heard that the romances are very much like what you described. But, here's the good news, they've recently started printing what they call 'edgy inspiration'(IIRC) and in it the hero and heroine lust after each other(like two humans), they interact more like a man and woman, and in the end they have equality in their relationship. Deanne Gist writes those and I hear they're very good. But they still end with the earth shattering kiss.:)
My father, who is a pastor, thinks that these books are a good idea. They don't make people feel guilty for being human.
Kelly - oh I'm so glad to hear that. Like I said, it's been 15 years since I've read one. Sounds like many have a much healthier balance, which is good, since all that perfection was exhausting! *g*
Hal, I know what you mean about all of that perfection being exhausting. That's why I've always stayed away from the books. It's sad when people think they have to be exactly perfect all of the time- I really did think that for a while. Thank goodness I got over that.:)
kelly - me too :)
Terri, I don't know about us saving each other, that's totally out of our hands. What I do know is that I'm the sweet in his sour, he's the yin to my yang, he's the.... We are polar opposites in so many ways, yet we compliment each other perfectly.
Renee
Hal & Kelly - I've never read an inspirational but I'm not sure I could. It would remind me too much of the stuff that was drilled into me during my 12 yrs of Catholic school. LOL! Though my schooling was quite modern and lenient compared to lots of places out there.
I could handle perfection all the time. And I've been very independent from a young age. My dad always told me I could do anything I put my mind to, so that guy in charge thing would never fly for me.
Renee - We've always heard that opposites attract and you have proof. For me, my ex was quite the opposite of me, but instead of working, we were a disaster from the start.
I'm finding I like the similarities with me and another guy. We're very much alike and though I would have thought that to be boring in the past, I really like it.
Hellion and Terri, the "mood" comment reminds me of a Jennifer Crusie essay in which she quotes one of her readers who wrote the following sentence to her: I loved your book, and so did my husband, and he hasn’t read it.” :)
I think it's that same essay in which Crusie says (and this is not an exact quote) that romance novels reflect women's lives as they could be and sometimes are. I say, "Amen, sister!"
And Terri, some of the best advice my mother ever gave me was, "Don't settle."
I started reading my mother's romance novels when I was ten. By that point, the values my parents taught me had shaped the adult I would become. But romance fiction helped me survive when I was in my 20s and life had just given me a knock-out blow. Instead of accepting the tranquilizers and sleeping pills that my doctor offered, I read romance novels, sometimes half a dozen a day. They made my pain bearable because they reminded me that "happy ending" was not oxymoronic. Furthermore, they helped me reconcile the traditional views I was unwilling to jettison with the radical views of my generation and reach a set of personal beliefs that have served me well. My debt to romance fiction is a considerable one.
And I adore Jenny Crusie! LOL!
Janga - on the first I say HERE HERE! On the second I say, I wish I'd been taught that. My mother's entire philosophy on life is to settle for what you can get and be happy. *sigh* We are quite opposite. I understand why she is the way she is now, but I'm thankful I had my grandmother (her mother) as a role model of a strong willed woman during those formitive years.
I've read romances since I was in high school... starting with Gone With the Wind which did not have a happily ever after at all. I found books on my mother's night stand and the hero and heroine always got together at the end, despite whatever life threw their way. I love that about romances.
In my writing, I try to make it as "real" as possible but with a HEA. Like Maggie, I end up falling in love with her heroes, too. They are perfect! LOL. I also fall in love with my own heroes---not because they're perfect---but because of their imperfections.
Great blog, Terri! :)
I started reading romance when I was 15. Could never figure out why Mom didn't want to talk when she was reading. LOL.
I do believe reading romance molded my life in certain ways. And I especially believe that reading romance has helped me through lonely times when my DH had to be away on duty.
I vaguely remember maybe one or two romance novels I read as a teen. They were the so-called bodice ripper pirate and virgin variety. Not something I could really relate to, unbelievable as that may sound. I re-discovered romance again about 7 or 8 years ago, after being married for about 7 years at that point. I went about figuring out the characteristics I wanted in the hero for my HEA the old fashioned way – through therapy. LOL So, I didn’t really use them as a guide, but I have gained a whole lot of useful and fun information that has added to my already existing relationship. Let’s just say that just like that fan that Jennifer Crusie quoted, my DH has benefited quite nicely by my return to romance reading.
I do totally believe with Hellion’s statement, though. I don’t think romance reading sets up higher or unreasonable expectations. I do think that they empower women and give them the confidence to not settle for anything less than what’s best for them – someone who loves them unconditionally. All the superficial stuff – tall, dark, handsome - is just icing on the cake. The important stuff – being responsible, respectful, considerate, loving – that’s the stuff women need to demand. I don’t know about any of you, but a good looking guy who opens his mouth and spouts asinine comments rapidly loses his appeal. In the same way an ordinary guy who uses manners and speaks like he’s got half a brain in his head (or my Achilles heel – makes me laugh) all of the sudden becomes very attractive.
Oh Terri, hubs and I are like fire and ice when we get into a fight, which is a good thing or we'd start the next world war. There are times I absolutely hate him and there are those he believes I had an affair with whoever wrote the Schizophrenic Psycho song. :) He says the writer knows me too well.
Kelly and Hal, I read a few inspirationals here and there, and I've always felt the same, they were too perfect, unrealistic. I'm glad to here about the new market, I'm thoroughly excited because those are the books I want to write when I head in the inspirational direction. I could never, ever write in the inspirational box that they expected you to write in.
Hellion and Janga, I once had a male friend, tell me he wished his wife read more romance. It seems she was only in the mood after reading.
Renee
Oh, la! I can remember the Angelique novels, written Serganne Golen, a husband and wife writing team from France...wrapped in plain brown wrappers as I trotted off to Catholic school... Steamy stuff 35 years ago! Fostered my belief in a strong heroine and romance. (She was strong for books of that era.)
Those were the last real romance novels I read for nearly 30 years. But they hung with me as goal of what romance should be about...not always a good thing. Have a friend who traveled to France because of those books, stayed with a Frenchman who was just terrible to her...
I would hope the strong independent heroines of today inspire others. They do me, day by day. When I'm down on myself, they are my role models. What would 'whoever' do?
But all the reading I did, romance or not, certainly influenced my ideas of what I was going to do with my life. Jack London had me convinced to head to Alaska...never acted on that though.
Terri said : I haven’t figured out if you’ve insulted me or not. LOL! Worthless bunk?! That can’t be good. But this was aimed a bit more at women and has much more to do with self esteem than with unrealistic standards or following a romance novel blueprint.
And though I’ve studied econ and am studying money and banking right now, I’m afraid all I can tell you about your present investment situation is be happy that everyone else is in the same sinking boat with you.
I think I got out of the bed on the wrong side this morning. So sorry Terri.
How ungallant of me to suggest that you had written worthless bunk! :oops:
Now that I have a little time to reflect I can more clearly see the depth of your vision.
Authors do lift examples from real life and adapt them to their writing, particularly where unusual or otherwise interesting personalities are involved so that a book can give an insight into the author's philosophy and ideals.
With suitable interpretation it could indeed provide a guide to organising the more romantic side of life.
Guess I never thought of it like that before as I normally read romance for its relaxing escapist pleasure. *g*
On the world economies, somehow it doesn't reassure me to know that everyone else is sinking in the same boat!
On the other hand the history of stock market bubbles and crashes is fascinating and in that light the present crisis should offer a fantastic buying opportunity...if you have the money, the belief and the courage to buy!
Fascinating blog Terri. :D
Ely - I'd imagine if writers didn't fall in love with their heroes, the readers wouldnt' either. Nothing wrong with that! And real is what I go for. It's all a reflection of life whether it's called fiction or not. Well, except the para stuff. LOL!
Kathy - Glad to see I'm not the only one. And I can't remember how I started reading romance since neither my mother or grandmother read at all. I just can't ever remember a time when I wasn't reading.
Irish - I'm so with you on that. I'll take a great personality with intelligence and a sense of humor over studly with no brains and a bad attitude anytime.
2nd Chance - I too went to Catholic school, but my upbringing was quite liberal anyway. I had sex crazy parents and sex was always an open topic. Maybe that's why reading Romance with sex scenes was never all that shocking to me. And I've never heard of those Angelique novels, but they sound fun. ;)
Q - Channel Warren Buffet. Is that better advice? LOL! However, it would help to have his billions, as you mention. I guess I could have said in here that reading any literature can have an influence on us, even if we don't realize it. But I just hate when they say reading Romance is bad for women whereas you rarely hear anyone say reading graphic novels gives people ideas about how to brutally kill people. It's a double standard that drives me crazy.
Terrio - The Angelique books are classic! And there's a slew of them. Always figured if Dad knew what I was reading he'd have been a trifle upset. My mom trusted us to read whatever we wanted. But the nuns might not have been so cool, even though it was a very liberal California Catholic school.
I have my doubts on the whole books influence the worst of anybody scenario. Why not encourages the best of people? Does Dexter make us want to kill the killers? Doubt it. I know a mom using NCIS to encourage her daughter to persue forensics...go Abby!
And I doubt we'll all go after a life in the assassination business after reading Leslie's books. But we might look to taking care of ourselves with more humor and verve. Not a bad thing atall, atall!
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