Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Friday, July 12, 2013

Rejection is Not an Emotion



So, I imagine the idea that rejection isn’t an emotion might sound like old news. For others, they are blinking and going…wait! I’ve felt rejected before! It’s terrible! It made me feel horrible!

Yup, well, horrible is sorta the same as saying I feel rejection. Horror can be an emotion. But horrible? I’m not sure.

You see, I’m in couples’ counseling with the spouse and we have a fabulous guy helping us restore lines of communication, etc. I mean, things break down after 33 years. Just sorta slides into a rut of sameness. We’re working on climbing out of the rut. It’s a good thing. (Don’t worry about us.)

The language of communicating emotions is a treacherous one. My poor husband is floundering like a fish out of water. He’s an engineer. Plus he grew up with the message that there are bad emotions and good emotions and that about summed it up. He feels good or he feels bad. That is about as deep as he goes.

After a particularly difficult session, I told him about the Emotional Thesaurus, and he asked me to get one for him. (He’s great about wanting to figure it all out.) Most complex feelings are buried so deep, he needs a backhoe to find them. If not something bigger.

While me? Oh, I pride myself on expressing what is going on. I am a word person, right?

Uh, no. I went through an episode a few weeks back that opened my eyes to how far away I was from actual experiencing my emotions.

The convo went something like this… (I’m also summarizing, it took a lot longer than this.)

“How did that make you feel?”

“I felt rejected.”

“No, how did you feel?”

I tilt my head, narrow my eyes, my brows knit. “I…I felt rejected…”

He changed his tactics… “What does rejection feel like?”

BIG LIGHTBULB MOMENT.

“OH. It…hurts.”

BINGO!
 

It took some digging but I found the base of my emotions regarding rejection. There are a lot of emotions that can stem from experiencing rejection, from hurt, to anger, to elation (you sick masochists out there!)

You never know where a lesson in writing and deepening a character’s reaction will come from. It might be in the middle of a counseling session! The word rejection is a distancing method from the actual feeling. It gives it a label and makes it easy to slot into a category of good or bad emotion. But! It isn’t going deep enough. Think about that the next time your character knows rejection. Choose the deeper path or the lighter path and make it feel right for that character.

I know this now.

Can you think of any other word we use to create distance from the actual emotion? What else should I, and others, keep an eye out for?
Friday, June 1, 2012

Making Friends with My Monster


I want to talk about envy.

I will start right off with saying this. Yes, I suffer from envy.  Often. No one gave it to me, forced it upon me or is responsible for it. It’s my monster. So, do not hide your good fortune from me thinking to spare me the pangs of envy. I’m good.

You see, it isn’t necessarily an evil monster. Envy is just an emotion, albeit one that is considered a negative emotion. I admit that most things associated with envy end in tragedy.

But it can be one of those emotions that push one forward.

Sometimes it works that way for me, but often it just demoralizes me as I moan about what a terrible person I must be to feel envy and damn it, why can’t I just not do this ANYMORE?!

Heh. Well, that doesn’t work. I mean, envy is just a very natural emotional state. I think the trick is to not dwell on it or give it more weight than it deserves.

Envy is my monster and I freely admit to suffering from the occasional association with this beast. I’m not sure many people are so open about their envy. At least, I certainly have met few who will come right out and confess to envy.

Sure, the “Girlfriend! I hate how good you look in that dress! I am so envious!”

Right, that is not envy. That is…blather. Societal blather.  And it’s a bit fun, but it isn’t serious.

Though sometimes it is, but it’s hiding.

I don’t hide my envy. I have learned that hiding it doesn’t make it go away, it just looms larger and with more menace. And a hell of a lot of extra self-loathing comes with hiding things.

I don’t celebrate my envy. Though when I manage to rise above it, I celebrate and pat myself on the back. Generally because it wasn’t a matter of beating it, it was a matter to facing it eye to eye and acknowledging it was there. There’s a secret there, to acknowledge the presence and strength of envy.

No big deal. I’m human. It’s there.

I have had to remove myself from yahoo groups because the posting of good news brought me to a state of panic. I had no good news to share and that must mean something was wrong with me.

Pathetic, ain’t it?

But, I saw it. I admitted it was there and I knew if I was going to save my energy for writing and doing the things I needed to do, I had to remove myself from opportunities to indulge in envy.

After years of dealing with this, I succumbed to the smarter path. I distance myself from the things that fill me with self-doubt. I hear the voices that say if I were a better person, I would just celebrate their good news and dance around with excitement and…

Nope. I just can’t do it. Just as I can’t pretend chatter about envy.

I believe, and I write characters that believe, in the sanctity of every human emotion, even envy. My current WIP deals with a woman who has spent decades living with an alien species, who brought her back to life after she committed suicide, surrendering to the despair at the path her existence had taken. In returning her to life, they found her emotions disturbing. (And they were, she kept trying to kill herself, still in shock over waking up in a body 40 years younger, surrounded by aliens…but I digress!) In an effort to keep her alive, they ‘programmed’ her to stand remote from emotional out bursts.

They even set a trigger in her so when faced with strong emotions she becomes weary and can’t resist falling asleep until her body chemistry returns to a neutral state. This is her new normal. (The aliens have no idea the psychological time bombs they are setting up.) The book opens with her first human contact in 26 years. And she realizes that she is missing something that makes her human… Sam makes her feel human. But it’s scary and it’s terrifying and what if she finds herself looking at a thousand foot fall again? And wants to jump?

But it’s more important to her, at my present word count of 75k, to relearn how to be human and risk the lack of balance that drove her to jump from that cruise ship in the first place.

I’m not entirely sure where I’m going to end with this book…it’s a romance, so more than likely, Sam will…well, you know! But how I’m going to get there, I’m not sure. (Actually got there, but it’s really rough and gonna take some more work to get it into submission shape. I’ll let it sit a few months.)

If Ria is going to be return to fully human, she has to embrace all the emotions of humanity, not just the pretty ones.

And I guess that is my point of this blog. That envy is human. It might not be pretty, but it’s necessary to the human experience. And suddenly, I feel better for knowing my monster so well.


Have you a favorite, or least favorite, monster out there that you find difficult to claim? To write about? To read about? Does the good news of others make you smile and then, beneath that smile, a tiny little twitch of envy rises? (It’s okay, no judging today.) Let’s be real though. Confession is good for the soul and I bet…I can find a rational and even positive aspect to anything you can toss out here. I’m good at this!
Monday, January 28, 2008

Tapping into the Universal: (subtitled: No, You're Not Subconsciously a Serial Killer)

What's the scariest thing you've ever done? Skydiving? Pish-posh. Giving birth? Thousands of women do that every day and live to tell the tale. No. What's truly frightening?


Yeah, that.

Pulling your deepest, most inner demons to the light of day and slapping them in the middle of your story.

Okay, Boatswain is already shaking her head because her characters tend to talk more amongst themselves and she writes it down like an Imperial Secretary; however, I'm a Pisces, and therefore, odd, and tend to empathize with just about anything I meet: movies, television series, Hallmark commercials. Doesn't matter, and obviously it also doesn't matter that none of the people affiliated with the things I mentioned actually exist. Trifles.

When I write, it's the same. I have to know my characters enough to empathize with them, to sort of step in their skin and channel them onto the page. When I'm writing from one POV to the other, I am that person. Which is a little frightening, especially if you're playing a character either not at all like you (the villain) or someone really like you. In both cases, you're pulling feelings from within you, feelings that therefore exist.

If you're pretending to be a serial killer, you try to convey the rationalization of why you kill; and if you capture it and put it on the page, you suddenly realize: Dude, I just justified cold-blooded murder. You wonder about yourself…and you definitely stop willy-nilly saying throwaway lines like, "I'm going to kill you" when someone does something to irritate you. Because now you're thinking, well, obviously I could, how sick am I?

But pretend you write fluffy stories. You're still going to have a villain. But say it's a cold-hearted mother-type or the manipulative hussy who's wreaking havoc at large. You step inside that role, write out this magnificent scene, and waltz off stage left. You look at the scene again, and you think, "I need a shower. Am I that much of a manipulative bitch?" You ask your husband, which is always a bad idea. Oh, sure, he answers it correctly if he has any sense whatsoever ("Of course not, honey"), but deep down, you knew there was not really a right answer here; there was only a wrong one.

So you move onto your heroine, someone in which you can identify, someone who fears rejection—and you pull out all the stops, pull up every bit of drama from your high school prom, crank up the Def Leppard ballads—and write the Blackest Moment where all your heroine's neuroses bite her in the ass. Then you re-read it, and you realize if anyone from high school reads your book, they will immediately know your heroine is you. Your critique partner reads it—and though she was never in high school with you and therefore is unaware what a complete loser you were—and says: "Wow, this sounds just like you." It will not matter that your scene does not take place anywhere near a senior prom.

But here's the thing. Emotion is universal. Communication is about relating to another individual, to be understood, to be accepted, and writing is one of the most basic ways to do that. Love and conflict (i.e. rejection, bias, hate, misunderstandings)—that is universal. Every story ever written can be distilled to one or both of these themes. Emotion is universal, like song; but your voice, like lyrics, is what makes the story yours to tell. Don't worry that everyone who's reading your book is thinking "this sounds like her reaction at her high school prom" because it's much more likely they're thinking, "God, I've so been there." And that's what you were shooting for, right?

You as a person are separate from the writing you put on the page. Just because you write about serial killers and nymphomaniacs and God forbid, the woman-superior position, you’re not a killer or a slut—and no one is going to think you are. Okay, some crazy interviewer someday might say, “Where do you get your inspiration for your sex scenes?”—but those are people who don’t understand; and they are certainly not people who should be taken into consideration when you’re putting your words on the public page. Don’t be scared; don’t avoid it because people might think you’re bad or wrong; and don’t judge yourself for writing it. You’re not doing yourself or your characters any favors by holding back. You are not your characters, no matter how much of yourself you might find within them.

Just thought I'd send out a little reassurance in case anyone thought they were turning into a serial killer. Unlikely. Though you might want to take some time to decompress, play with some puppies or try channeling a character whose idea of a dark side is much like Sally Albright.

What's the scariest thing you've ever written and why did it bother you? What author do you think can tap into that Universal Factor, that "I've so been there"? Any book or scene that comes to mind? Anyone else wish Santa was blogging about men again? How many just caught on that the Johnny Depp picture has absolutely nothing to do with my blog?