Thursday, January 27, 2011
Leslie Langtry - Assassin Pirate!
BIG NEWS: New Pirate to Join Ranks of RWR, Introduced by the Fantabulous Captain Jack Sparrow
*camera zooms in and out, wobbly picture until we realize we’re staring at a close up of Jack Sparrow’s beard braids; camera withdraws and Jack smiles, teeth glittering*
Jack: Very good. I knew Hellie would figure out the camera eventually. Strange how she’s never able to get it to focus in the bedroom.
Hellie: Yeah, that is weird. Why don’t you focus, Jack, and introduce our new crew member?
Jack: She’s bossy in the bedroom, too, folks. Just a bit of trivia for the folks at home. Now, as I was saying I’m here today, as my fabulous, fantabulous captain self, to intro-- *hissing sound, then twuck; small feathered dart is sticking out of Jack’s neck. Jack pulls it out, stares at it in confusion* That can’t be good. *passes out with a loud thud*
*ruckus ensues on deck as someone swings from the Crow’s Nest, rappelling on Sin’s black ninja rope, and lands on the deck with a jaunty wave*
Leslie: *looking down at Jack who is lying on his back, eyes closed, a little smile curved on his lips* Sorry about that, but you know he’s infinitely more attractive when he’s not talking. You know that, right?
Hellie: You didn’t kill him, did you?
Leslie: No, he’ll be good as new.
Jack: *waking up, looks confused to be lying on the deck* What happened? Was there rum involved? *looks at Leslie* Leslie! When did you get here? I was just about to introduce you.
Leslie: How good of you! What were you going to say?
Jack: That you’re wittier than Hellie, funnier than Marn, and deadlier than Sin. I’m sure you also throw better parties than Bo’sun and mix better drinks than Chance, but we’re not allowed to say that because the Kraken gets cranky and spits on you. Takes forever to get the ink out of the lace. *waves a cuff at Leslie as another hfft of sound distracts him and he plucks another dart from his neck* Crap, it’s going to happen again, isn’t it? *passes out*
Leslie: *straightening* That should take care of him for now. Now onto business.
This Be Me Jolly Roger! Arrrrrrr!
And this be me Pug’s Jolly Roger!
Thanks be for the great intro Capn! Ye be true scalawags… oh enough - I don’t think I could do that for a whole post.
Anyway, Damned Happy to be here on the Romance Writers Revenge! I’ve been a guest a few times and this time, they’re letting me stay. Oh, and sorry about Jack, Hellion. He’ll come to. Now, where is that cabin boy you told me about who looks like George Clooney? Yes, that’s what you said when you lured… I mean invited me aboard! He’s here isn’t he? What’s that? Oh, rum! Yay!
Some of you know me from my Bombay Family of Assassin books:
And the rest!
BTW - do you like my new covers for the e-editions? Had a run-in with my publisher so Jana DeLeon and I stormed the decks and took our rights back just like pirates. Well, in this instance, Jana was more the pirate and I was more like her Smee. And like a true pirate, I sell these as e-books online and keep the booty for meself. Gar.
I’ve loved pirates since Kevin Kline bared his chest in Pirates of Penzance. And when the Pirates of the Caribbean came out, I was first in line to see them. So when I decided to finally write a novel, I wrote a pirate historical set in Georgian England and France. I titled it, BLACKHEART.
It sucked.
So I wrote a sequel about pirates and the slave trade in Africa. That one was DARKHEART.
It sucked a little less, but it sucked nonetheless.
I was not cut out for historical. My next book was a contemporary called THE ADULTERER’S UNOFFICIAL GUIDE TO DISNEY WORLD. I didn’t think that one sucked, but publishers and agents said I couldn’t write books with adulterers as the heroes and they were pretty sure I couldn’t even mention (looks right, then left) Disney World. They said that would make their lawyers sad.
Then one night I had this weird dream about a woman named Gin Bombay who is an assassin and viola! That one sold! Apparently, serious pirate drama doesn’t work for me but funny books about a family that kills for the family business does. Who knew?
So here I am, as a new member on a crew that seems to lack a cabin boy who looks like George Clooney for some reason (I was promised!). Apparently, being able to make rum grog with blowfish poison is a valuable and needed skill on this boat.
NOW! Go to the Skull Generator and make yer own Jolly Roger! And lift up your rum and drink up me hearties yo ho!
*camera zooms in and out, wobbly picture until we realize we’re staring at a close up of Jack Sparrow’s beard braids; camera withdraws and Jack smiles, teeth glittering*
Jack: Very good. I knew Hellie would figure out the camera eventually. Strange how she’s never able to get it to focus in the bedroom.
Hellie: Yeah, that is weird. Why don’t you focus, Jack, and introduce our new crew member?
Jack: She’s bossy in the bedroom, too, folks. Just a bit of trivia for the folks at home. Now, as I was saying I’m here today, as my fabulous, fantabulous captain self, to intro-- *hissing sound, then twuck; small feathered dart is sticking out of Jack’s neck. Jack pulls it out, stares at it in confusion* That can’t be good. *passes out with a loud thud*
*ruckus ensues on deck as someone swings from the Crow’s Nest, rappelling on Sin’s black ninja rope, and lands on the deck with a jaunty wave*
Leslie: *looking down at Jack who is lying on his back, eyes closed, a little smile curved on his lips* Sorry about that, but you know he’s infinitely more attractive when he’s not talking. You know that, right?
Hellie: You didn’t kill him, did you?
Leslie: No, he’ll be good as new.
Jack: *waking up, looks confused to be lying on the deck* What happened? Was there rum involved? *looks at Leslie* Leslie! When did you get here? I was just about to introduce you.
Leslie: How good of you! What were you going to say?
Jack: That you’re wittier than Hellie, funnier than Marn, and deadlier than Sin. I’m sure you also throw better parties than Bo’sun and mix better drinks than Chance, but we’re not allowed to say that because the Kraken gets cranky and spits on you. Takes forever to get the ink out of the lace. *waves a cuff at Leslie as another hfft of sound distracts him and he plucks another dart from his neck* Crap, it’s going to happen again, isn’t it? *passes out*
Leslie: *straightening* That should take care of him for now. Now onto business.
This Be Me Jolly Roger! Arrrrrrr!
And this be me Pug’s Jolly Roger!
Thanks be for the great intro Capn! Ye be true scalawags… oh enough - I don’t think I could do that for a whole post.
Anyway, Damned Happy to be here on the Romance Writers Revenge! I’ve been a guest a few times and this time, they’re letting me stay. Oh, and sorry about Jack, Hellion. He’ll come to. Now, where is that cabin boy you told me about who looks like George Clooney? Yes, that’s what you said when you lured… I mean invited me aboard! He’s here isn’t he? What’s that? Oh, rum! Yay!
Some of you know me from my Bombay Family of Assassin books:
And the rest! BTW - do you like my new covers for the e-editions? Had a run-in with my publisher so Jana DeLeon and I stormed the decks and took our rights back just like pirates. Well, in this instance, Jana was more the pirate and I was more like her Smee. And like a true pirate, I sell these as e-books online and keep the booty for meself. Gar.
I’ve loved pirates since Kevin Kline bared his chest in Pirates of Penzance. And when the Pirates of the Caribbean came out, I was first in line to see them. So when I decided to finally write a novel, I wrote a pirate historical set in Georgian England and France. I titled it, BLACKHEART.
It sucked.
So I wrote a sequel about pirates and the slave trade in Africa. That one was DARKHEART.
It sucked a little less, but it sucked nonetheless.
I was not cut out for historical. My next book was a contemporary called THE ADULTERER’S UNOFFICIAL GUIDE TO DISNEY WORLD. I didn’t think that one sucked, but publishers and agents said I couldn’t write books with adulterers as the heroes and they were pretty sure I couldn’t even mention (looks right, then left) Disney World. They said that would make their lawyers sad.
Then one night I had this weird dream about a woman named Gin Bombay who is an assassin and viola! That one sold! Apparently, serious pirate drama doesn’t work for me but funny books about a family that kills for the family business does. Who knew?
So here I am, as a new member on a crew that seems to lack a cabin boy who looks like George Clooney for some reason (I was promised!). Apparently, being able to make rum grog with blowfish poison is a valuable and needed skill on this boat.
NOW! Go to the Skull Generator and make yer own Jolly Roger! And lift up your rum and drink up me hearties yo ho!
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77 comments:
Welcome aboard, Leslie. And your little dog too.
I've always wanted a pirate dog.
The two I have now have the brawn and certainly the growl, "Gar!", but they lack rum drinking skills.
I can see it now, the Pirate Pug vs. the Undead Monkey. Epic battle!
Whoohoo!! Welcome to the crew, Assassin. We are so excited to have you aboard.
I love this Cliff Note version of your journey to publication. LOL! Is it safe to assume the research for that Guide to Disney World came in handy in one of your later works? :)
I generated my own Jolly Roger last night and it took three tries before I got something that didn't scare me. LOL! But it should be over there on the site a couple over from Hellie's.
damned good to be here! long-time fan, first-time pirate!
the undead monkey could take lucy the pug, but she's loyal.
a jolly roger is supposed to put fear in the hearts of your enemies!
I know! But I don't want my face to put fear in the hearts of others. I have problems enough with that already. LOL!
Welcome, Leslie! I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone get the best of Captain Jack like that. LOL
Your books sound like lots of fun, so I'm sure I'll be adding them to the collection in no time at all. Too bad about the pirate books though--there just aren't enough of those!
I'll be back in a bit. I think we've got a lead on where Hottie George might be. Pay no attention to the noise behind my cabin door. :)
Off to my eye appointment! (I'm getting fitted for a new patch.) But I'll be back!
Argh!
Thanks Donna! You can still find a paperback here and there. Dorchester says they sell them on their website but if you want e-books they're on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and Smashwords!
Terri, upgrade to black leather...argggggg.
I heard The Scotsman on the radio this morning and it inspired me to go with the red plaid. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. [insert rolling Rs]
Donna doesn't have an eReader yet, but I'll lend her my copies. As long as she promises to give them back! And buy ebook copies eventually, of course.
So what yarns ya spinnin' fer future books, Les?
I KNEW you would ask me that! I'm working on a novella about Paris Bombay as an ebook. (Sin & Terri are grinning right now) I'm also working on kind of a dark YA for my agent. Well, really dark. You won't find a single laugh in it. That's why I'm working on the Bombay novella. I hope to eventually write Grandma Mary's story - before she became such a bitch, that is.
I'm so transparent. So...uhm...you can tell us. Paris' heroine is a chubby, short little pirate with a name that starts with a "T", isn't she?
Huh? Huh?
*ducks flying ice pick*
No laughs? I find that impossible to believe. Might be dark laughs, but they'll be there.
Welcome aboard, Leslie!! We're so happy to have you. I can tell you're going to fit right in. Anyone who can manage Jack like that is going to be just fine on this ship.
*as an aside* Be careful of Sin though. She's not to be trifled with. *ahem*
A big huzzah. Where's the glitter for this hooha, anyway?! Chance!! My hooha is decidedly not glittery enough!!
*whispering* She likes to hoard the glitter. Who wouldn't though....
Wait, my bagel wasn't actually doing the reading.
Well hell....
My hooha is decidedly not glittery enough!!
I just choked on my bagel reading this.
Hi Lesly
You're joining a great crew here. They're all willing and very enthusiastic. I sometimes feel that I'm treading on a powder keg of seething creativity when I venture aboard.
If you could just show them how to get focused and publish all the explosive material they have stored under the bunk mattresses, this ship could really go places, and I might feel a lot safer! :wink:
Afraid I haven't met the Bombays yet, but now that you're on the crew I really must download a few. I think 'Scuse me while I kill this guy' is the first. Do they need to be read in chronological sequence, killing off the villains in an orderly procession?
I'm the resident scientist by the way.
Guns and explosives are not my field, but I might be able to advise on fissile material if you should go nuclear.
Great to see you here. :D
Bo'sun...your hoohah isn't glittery enough?
Quantum - it's better to read them in order, I think. But that's just me. GUNS is second, followd by STAND BY and I SHOT last.
hmmmm...nuclear...
No, that was Marn's hooha.
We do NOT have room for a reactor on this ship.
Hooha's and reactors? Shit, now I have to go back and read the comments. That's too good to pass up.
Woo! My favorite drinking partner is on the ship!
Chanceroo, gimme a drink for each hand. I've got taxes to conquer and destroy today. I need them extra alcohol-y. Hold the mixer.
Dear Assassin,
Thank you so much for joining the ranks of RWR. I've always told Santa I wanted a new sister who'd enjoy ice picking adventures in the middle of the night.
DRD only squeals like a girl.
Sincerely,
Sin
And Evil Twin
*glare* Oooooh, Bo'sun, I've got a special ice pick with your name on it.
*sigh* That's fine. There can be two heroines. The tall one sneaking into his bedroom at night, kidnapping him and tying him to her bed can be the other.
Back to the salt mines for me. Maybe I'll fashion a new ice pick today.
I love that Q has such a way with words. Powder keg of seething creativity. Such poetry brings tears to my eyes.
Though, that might have something to do with the stink bomb I set off in DRD's cabin. I hope you don't mind Clooney smelling a bit, Assassin. It just gives you an excuse to take a nice long soaking bath with him.
Powder keg of seething creativity
We really should add that to our banner at the top. Perfect description!
We do NOT have room for a reactor on this ship.
Spoil Sport! Just think. We could submerge for months on end and visit the baby Krakens. Also the hotties would have nowhere to run for escape. Sin could have her wicked leisurely way with all of them. *grin*
Can't think of a better technique for assassination! :lol:
Sin, what's with the ice picks? You could be the slutty stalker Paris hooks up with.
Where is Geo. Clooney? Now he smells bad? Why isn't he here? Who is bogarting Clooney?
Now we're a pirate submarine? If you've painted it yellow, Q, I'm coming after you.
Donna has a tendency to monopolize the hotties and then we have to liberate them. That damn background check didn't reveal her pension for hottie hogging.
Erm...not that we run background checks on new members. Gotta run...
Sin's our resident ninja, complete with ice picks and poison dart eyelashes. She resides above in the crow's nest. Never seen in anything but black, she slinks through the shadows with her untrustworthy sidekick, the Undead Monkey, keeping the rest of us in line and generally wreaking havoc and mayhem.
The rest of us would live in fear if we were any smarter. Alas, we are not.
Well! Welcome aboard, Leslie. Its so nice to meet you-eeeewwwww Hey? >We do NOT have room for a reactor on this ship.
No wonder you guys are always throwing me overboard! Or is it me thats going overboard on my own? And ree'actors don't take up that much space. Unless its one of those WWII ree'actors whose reenactor costume includes a Sherman tank.
I agree with needing the reactor. What if Barbossa had a nuclear reactor in the big showdown with the Dutch East India company? They wouldn't have had to go into that tidal pool and Will Turner would still be alive!
Technically, Will is still alive. It's just a sucky life with a major organ stuck in a box. But he's alive.
No reactor. Those radiation suits are never flattering.
I was NOT Hottie Hoarding. George isn't even really my type. But when I heard about a missing shipment of glitter, and he had that sparkle in his eye -- well, I put me and him together -- I mean, two and two together, and decided to put him in my quarters for interrogation purposes.
Barbossa as the new Captain Nemo... I like it!
I'll have ye all know, I had a welcome fer Leslie loaded last night and the host booted the site off the web fer the duration.
It weren't that explosive a welcome!
Though it did involve kraken ink, dodging darts and defeatin' Jack's slander that there be a better drink mixer than me!
Where be that scalawag? Krakey been savin' up some extra noxious ink fer 'im.
I gots a drink fer ya, Leslie! The Black Asssassin Kraken. Black Kraken Rum, licorice liqueur poured over ice shaped like bullets.
And stay outta me glitter!
Oh, congrats on wrestlin' yer books free and inta yer control!
Black Kraken Rum ... which she Hordes!
I wanted to congratulate you also Upon surviving the sinking of the Dorchester. So glad to hear that you and many (here‘s hoping that it was all) of your fellow writers were able to get the rights to your books back.
Lesly: I agree with needing the reactor.
Lesley, I'm so glad you joined this crazy crew! I've been praying for support like this for a long time.
These pirates are so old fashioned. This ship really needs sprucing up with new technology.
I reckon you're just the gal to help me fix it. :D
The last I heard dear George was ill and Eileen Dreyer was offering to nurse him back to health. It's his unclaimed twin on board, right?
Leslie. I too am impressed with the way you managed Jack. It's clear that you are a perfect addition to the RWR crew. I look forward to your contributions.
Oooh I look forward to your contributions, too LL.
And speaking of contributions. How about contributing to my search for some peace & quiet ... by directing one of your blow darts in the direction of SIN!
Quantum...that I be! (this talking like pirates is HARD!)
Julie - thanks! I feel like I have a little control now. It took LOTS of work to get the books up on three different formats and design the covers.
2nd Chance - LOVE the drink! Can we make one exception? I can't tolerate licorice. What else can you use?
If Leslie and Q team up, we're sunk.
Janga - No twins. We specialize in clones, remember? LOL!
sorry julie! I used the last one on Jack. overkill - i know, but it was necessary.
did everyone go make a jolly roger? I spotted terrio and hellie's!
I LOVE KALUHA!
Don't like licorice... Hmmmmm. Okay, Black Kraken Rum and Kaluha... Though be careful, Donnaroo has a thing about caffeine and might run ya over tryin' ta swipe the chance at something wit' the magic elixer in it.
And Marn... wow. I'm going to hire you to do all my promoting. That was spot on.
Hey, Jules. I saw there. Don't make me get out the throwing stars and my wagon.
Welcome Aboard, Leslie! Sounds like you're gonna fit in just fine aboard the RWR!
Since an ereader is definitely on the horizon for me, I'll have to add your ebooks to my ever-growing list.
Welcome aboard Leslie! We can definitely use your assassin qualities around here *g* I'll echo that congrats on escaping Dorchester and protecting your rights. Do you know if 'Scuse Me While I Kill This Guy will be available on Amazon/Kindle? (When i searched, it was saying it wasn't available for e-purchase in the US).
Oh, and I LOVE the fact that adultery was as big a no-no as saying Disney World. I find that hilarious.
*bowing* You're welcome, Sin. Anything to get the word out.
Oh! Krakey would love to take on Amazon!
hal - i'm gonna have to unleash the kraken! i keep having that problem with Amazon, but it's there, keep looking! something about their weird search engine. let me know if you can't find them. they are on smashwords too.
how appropriate is it that a live performance of pirates of penzance just came on npr???
Are Sin and I the only pirates actually AT work today? LOL!
It's a sign.
Not sure of what.
I adore Kevin Kline as the pirate king. Sigh.
he was totally hot! right?
Why does my name keep coming up when it's time to blame somebody? Arrrgh.
I'm back from restocking the half-and-half. . .before the next snowstorm. I also need to get my car inspection done but not sure I can get that accomplished today.
I don't like licorice either. I would gag and choke and carry on like I'd been given a beverage with brussels sprouts in it.
Okay, I better stop. I'm making myself sick.
Welcome aboard, Leslie!
Wow, glitter, Kaluha, nuclear reactors...
Sounds like a list from the HOA.
Di
off to check out the skull generator.
Thanks Di! It's been a fun day so far!
I think Hellie is setting a new record for sleeping in. Do you have "wake up" blow darts that work in reverse?
um, no, I usually just use ice cubes for that.
Okay. Well, I'm going to stand over here, behind this bullet proof wall, while you pelt Hellie with ice cubes. Good luck.
People have used ice cubes before. It doesn't work. *LOL* I already sleep in a cold room on purpose. *LOL*
*yawning* I'm up, I'm up. I'm trying to catch up on these comments. It's clear you don't miss me. You're having a wild party without me--for good reason.
1.) We have the best Assassin on board (now paired with Sin, the Ninja assassin, I suppose we have a set) and blogging with us
2.) All of Leslie's books are out for e-purchase, which is kick ass because a lot of us have eReaders now and are eager to use them--and how better than with the awesome Bombay series?
3.) It seems we have the CLONE of George Clooney on this ship and not the real thing because Eileen Dreyer is apparently nursing him back to health. WTF? No, no, no. That's not right. Leslie deserves the best! (Though she should be warned: Janga ADORES George Clooney and may wrestle her for him. Which would be fun to see.)
Bo'sun, how in the hell are we the only two who ended up at work today?
That ain't right.
I'm ready for a full on pouting revolt. Filled with ice picks and stink bombs.
i'm pretty sure i could take janga, but only because george is at stake.
I also forgot to say earlier this morning that I like the revamped covers, Leslie.
George and I have a long history. I don't think I have to battle for him. ;)
I meant to say I liked the revamped covers too. And I'm looking forward to Paris' book, if only to find out if it's Sin or Terri who gets him. *LOL*
Sorry, when it comes to George, my money is on Janga.
And is it wrong that I really want to read the book The Adulterer's Unofficial Guide to Disney World? I think it sounds funny. And you don't know how it's going to end; the adulterers might get exactly what they deserve...come on...
Well, maybe someday I'll post it as an ebook.
Thanks for the great time today! I'm thrilled to be a pirate with you!
And is it wrong that I really want to read the book The Adulterer’s Unofficial Guide to Disney World? ... adulterers might get exactly what they deserve…come on…
Is it me? Or after reading that is any body else singing ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=daa9pZDxfIY
I have it IN WRITING in Leslie's own hand that Paris is mine. IN WRITING!
This is gonna be fun!
...Paris is mine...
VICTORY for the Bo'sun! So I guess the battle for Paris marks the end of Operation Overlord ... eeerrr
make that Operation OverLady!
The only thing stranger than a history buff with an odd sense of what might be humorous to writers ...
Is
A writer with an odd sense to what might be humorous to history buffs.
Did you know …
That Ernest Hemingway was hanging out in Paris during its liberation? He actually took on an active ( and self appointed ) role as a civilian scout for the military.
I know.
You writers are not entertained as I am. And at least one of you is tempted to throw me Overlord-errr-board! To which I say, well actually Hemingway said it,
"A (wo)man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book."
Or even just a line or two!
And finally:
Of course This is gonna be fun, Leslie!
You are Surrounded by talented, serious Writers … except for myself … I’m not a writer. I’m just avoiding Laundry.
Which isn't to say I cannot be serious.
For all you pondering your WIPs ... struggling with words ... Don't be so hard on yourself.
"It's none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way."
"There is no rule on how to write. Sometimes it comes easily and perfectly; sometimes it's like drilling rock and then blasting it out with charges."
'For a long time now I have tried simply to write the best I can. Sometimes I have good luck and write better than I can.'
"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."
Ernest Hemingway
you mean overloard over lady?
LOL
Naughty Girl!
yes...yes I am.
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