Favorite Enemies
- A Little Sisterly Advice
- Cheeky Reads
- DRD aka Donna's Blog
- Gunner Marnee's Blog
- J.K. Coi: Living with Immortals
- Just Janga
- Killer Fiction
- Kimberly Killion
- Maggie Robinson
- Maureen O. Betita
- Megan Kelly
- Pam Clare
- Renee Lynn Scott
- Romance Bandits
- Romance Dish
- Scapegoat's Blogspot
- Smartass Romance
- Terri Osburn Writes Romance
- Tessa Dare
- Vauxhall Vixens
Blog Archive
Powered by Blogger.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Head in My Way
So, I've been working on all manner of stuff for my story. I've been plotting (natch) and I've been evaluating motivations. I've been trying to sort out the suspense part of my plot. Very complicated. I've been working on whether I'm going to do flashbacks. I've been considering using italics (something I generally try to avoid, not sure why).
I've been doing everything but writing.
I'd like to think that all this preparation is helping me, but I'm not sure it is. If I didn't know myself better, I'd think I was avoiding writing. But I sit and struggle to write a lot. Yet, when I put fingers to keyboard, something happens in the translation and I don't feel like the story's ready yet.
So, all this manic plotting seems to be all I can do. Because if I don't plot and try to figure out what I'm doing, then I'd really be doing nothing and I'm not sure I can deal with that sort of static-ness.
I'm not new to the beginning. This will be my third story. I know my usual pitfalls now. This, I don't think, has anything to do with my story and everything to do with me. I'm preoccupied. When I sit and I write, I don't give it as much of my attention as I should. I should be able to dive into those characters, into that plot, but when I sit, I think of a hundred other things. "Is that the baby crying?" (I write late after they go to bed) "Is he cold, maybe?" I worry about the older one. "Did I remember to pack his bag for school?" And off I go. Even when the DH takes them on the weekends and I have time to myself, I can't focus.
I've got insulin (hypoglycemia) problems. Sometimes, when my insulin is off, I can get distracted and tired and a little down. I've decided to start eating the way I need to fix that again. I'm also going to start some yoga, hoping to get my internal feng shui right. This weekend, I scheduled a trip to the mall. A little retail therapy.
I'm hoping these things get my focus back.
Have you ever had periods in your life when everything else seems to get in the way of your writing? Maybe it's literal things or maybe it's just your frame of mind? What did you do to get your inner ying and yang back in cohesive working order? Do you think this is avoidable or is being distracted by life part of the human experience? Ie, is this something to panic about or do I just grit my teeth, do what I can, and wait for things to let up?
I've been doing everything but writing.
I'd like to think that all this preparation is helping me, but I'm not sure it is. If I didn't know myself better, I'd think I was avoiding writing. But I sit and struggle to write a lot. Yet, when I put fingers to keyboard, something happens in the translation and I don't feel like the story's ready yet.
So, all this manic plotting seems to be all I can do. Because if I don't plot and try to figure out what I'm doing, then I'd really be doing nothing and I'm not sure I can deal with that sort of static-ness.
I'm not new to the beginning. This will be my third story. I know my usual pitfalls now. This, I don't think, has anything to do with my story and everything to do with me. I'm preoccupied. When I sit and I write, I don't give it as much of my attention as I should. I should be able to dive into those characters, into that plot, but when I sit, I think of a hundred other things. "Is that the baby crying?" (I write late after they go to bed) "Is he cold, maybe?" I worry about the older one. "Did I remember to pack his bag for school?" And off I go. Even when the DH takes them on the weekends and I have time to myself, I can't focus.
I've got insulin (hypoglycemia) problems. Sometimes, when my insulin is off, I can get distracted and tired and a little down. I've decided to start eating the way I need to fix that again. I'm also going to start some yoga, hoping to get my internal feng shui right. This weekend, I scheduled a trip to the mall. A little retail therapy.
I'm hoping these things get my focus back.
Have you ever had periods in your life when everything else seems to get in the way of your writing? Maybe it's literal things or maybe it's just your frame of mind? What did you do to get your inner ying and yang back in cohesive working order? Do you think this is avoidable or is being distracted by life part of the human experience? Ie, is this something to panic about or do I just grit my teeth, do what I can, and wait for things to let up?
Labels:
Writing for Rum
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Books by the Crew
77 comments:
Bwahahahahahahahahahaha.....
Wait, you're serious about that first question, aren't you? *ahem* Of course you are.
Oh have I been here, done that. This is totally normal and totally human nature. If this was only little things, like "Did I leave those whites in the dryer?", I'd tell you to let it go and push through it. But you've got lots more than that going on.
The good news is, what you have going on is good stuff. AWESOME stuff. I know having another book done would be awesome too. Maybe there needs to be a shift in thinking. In your head, you're thinking I can do this (X, Y and Z dealing with family) or this (A, B, and C dealing with book).
We need to take out the either/or and find a way to balance the two together. Sounds to me like you're on the right track with the yoga and retail therapy. Balance is the key to everything, and though I usually find it by accident, life is always better when I have it.
Let's not underestimate the time of year. Just because it's Winter, it's colder and you're inside a lot doesn't mean writing is going to come easier. Sunlight--or lack thereof--really affects our mood and ability to accomplish stuff.
In the same loop myself. And I live alone. And I don't have a washer or dryer. But mine is: I have dishes to clean. The floor needs to be vacuumed. The kitchen is a mess. I should scrub the counters.
Eventually I have a clean apartment which is nice, but it's not writing productive. Of course, this last week, I haven't even been distracting myself with cleaning. I've just been zoning out on my couch.
I agree that winter is a tough time mentally. At least today the sky is blue, and the sun is shining, but the past two days it was gray and/or snowy, and it's supposed to be that way tomorrow. It's hard to feel yippy skippy productive on those days!
I also agree that it isn't, or shouldn't, be an either/or kind of thing. Just like you wouldn't say, "Do I brush my teeth OR use deodorant today?" LOL But maybe the writing has to be in smaller bits, in order to fit with your other obligations.
I'm not trying to convert any die-hard plotters here, BUT, back in the day when I would try to plot ahead of time and then couldn't seem to write, it was so discouraging. So I just sat my ass down and started writing whatever came to me--and it worked. I do plot, just not all at once, and not all ahead of time.
So sometimes you have to change what isn't working by trying it from another angle. :)
Bo'sun - I knew you'd be right here with me. :)
Balance is the key to everything, and though I usually find it by accident, life is always better when I have it.
Balance. I think that's what I'm missing. Right now, I feel like I'm just putting out fires. Ever seen that Bill Cosby stand up "Himself" where he talks about how a mom prizes silence over all else? That's how I feel. Who's crying? Who's nagging and whining? I hone in on that noise and I silence it. It's like being a firefighter without the hazard pay.
I'd love to say that this is something I'd be able to put my foot down about and demand some cooperation and assistance. But, well, my kids are small. They're not really at a point where I can say, "One moment, please, while I finish this bath. I know you're hungry, small child, but stop being so selfish."
But maybe this can be a mental thing. If I just get my brain in order, change my perspective of the chaos around me, maybe that'd be enough.
Hmmmm....
Hells - Sunlight–or lack thereof–really affects our mood and ability to accomplish stuff. Aint that the truth? It's been cold here too. And there's nothing going on in January/February. I can't ship the older kid outside because it's frigid. So he's stir crazy as well. Which isn't helping.
Today the sun's shining and I feel a little more human. Maybe that's part of it, that I need a little Vitamin D.
I clean my house too, Hells. I think--for me--sometimes cleaning is a way to put your outside in order so that the inside feels a little less chaotic. I clean when I need to figure something out too.
“Do I brush my teeth OR use deodorant today?”
Wait... other people don't do this? Damn.... I'm in worse trouble than I thought.
back in the day when I would try to plot ahead of time and then couldn’t seem to write, it was so discouraging.
This might be part of the problem as well. And it might be something to do with what's going on in my life too. Maybe what my life needs is a little free flow creativity. A bit of a Nano spirit without the massive time crunch.
I feel the same way about the cleaning. When the house gets too messy, it raises my anxiety. As soon as I walked in the house last night, I went to mopping the kitchen floor and front entry while I had kiddo vacuum the rest of the downstairs. The place still needs more work, but just seeing those clean floors made me feel better.
You need a mini-vacuum for little man. One that actually works. LOL!
I think you're on the right track, Marn. I remember having two little ones and thinking I was never going to get my life back. It was always about them and it was 24/7. I wasn't trying to write but I was trying to be super mom, wife, employee, housekeeper, etc. etc.
Good news - it gets better. They won't go away and you'll still be thinking about them but you'll get hours and hours of uninterrupted time (I know that seems like light years away now! LOL) An important thing that I didn't do - take care of yourself and don't expect huge things from yourself now. I think I had that invincible mommy attitude and thought I could do it all and it came back and bit me in the butt! Kinda like ignoring that little rattle in your car that would cost $100 to fix and then it turns into $2,500.
Be content with your plotting and that you still have that connection to your book. Do what you can when you can and take care of yourself. :)
When the house gets too messy, it raises my anxiety.
Don't come visit me anytime soon. You'll need big time therapy. LOL
Nah. This only happens when it's MY house. LOL! (Though I admit some of my coworkers desks give me palpitations. So hard not to clean them!)
I'm the same way about cleaning. The house gets all cluttered and messy, and I get stressed and anxious, and the hubs says "Just sit down and relax and you'll feel better." No, idiot, I'll feel better if I actually have a clean house! LOL. He still doesn't get it. I can't just sit down in the midst of chaos and relax. It doesn't work.
Marn, I feel like I've been going through one of these stages for the past year. When I was soooo sick, I was laying around thinking "I should use all this time to write." But it just wasn't happening. It's hard to be creative when you feel like crap. And now, my head is so flustered, it's just not happening.
I'm with Irish - anything that keeps you connected to the story is a good thing, and is still progress, regardless of if it's technically words on a page.
When the house gets too messy, it raises my anxiety.
Mine too, Ter. I remember when I was younger and I could live in all manner of filth. These days, it's like the knowledge that my house is disgusting wedges into the recesses of my brain, drumming on all the nerve endings, until I force myself to get up and beat back the grossness.
Ugh. Why can't I still be clueless?
Irish - thinking I was never going to get my life back.
This is the crux of it, I think. At least one of the cruxes. (????) Writing is a ME thing. Right now, there doesn't seem to be much room for me and therefore, writing. And it's nagging at me.
I do get a little bit of time alone at night. Most of the time though I'm just vegging, with the brain on autopilot, but I wonder if maybe I were a little bit more on my game during the day, I wouldn't feel so beat down at night.
Then again, maybe I would. I have no idea. LOL!!
What I fear is that I'm letting myself use the chaos as an excuse.
Anyone else ever feel like they're giving themselves an unwarranted free pass?
I couldn't do this, but could you write by hand for a while? Just carry around a notebook that is the WIP Notebook. If you have five minutes while both kiddos are happily distracted, you jot down some sentences. You get some alone time in the bathroom (rare, I know - and that never changes) then jot down some sentences.
Maybe without having to get the laptop ready and the freedom to jot down anytime/anywhere, you'll be surprised how much gets on the page.
I need to shut up, but I can't.
Marn, darling, this is not an excuse and you are in no way doing anything wrong. As much as we'd like to think we're superhuman, our tired brains can handle only so much. You brain is already handling more than it should have to.
I will say this, the write is a "you" thing but that doesn't mean while you're doing it, you're somehow short changing the family. Any profit you get out of writing, be it money, self-esteem, or just a smile, will benefit your family. A happier, more fulfilled mommy is the best mommy.
In other words, cut yourself some slack!
Irish/Ter - I agree that only MY house gives me heartburn. I don't mind when other people's stuff is messy, but mine drives me nuts.
Hal - I'm the same way about the clutter. "Just relax" my hubby will say. It's like trying to relax in the midst of construction work. The noise is there, no matter how I try to block it out.
And it is hard to feel creative when you feel like crap. It's hard to feel anything but crappy when you feel like crap.
anything that keeps you connected to the story is a good thing, and is still progress, regardless of if it’s technically words on a page.
This is true, I guess. But I still tend to equate progress with word count. I know I shouldn't, but I do. :(
Ter - I will say this, the write is a “you” thing but that doesn’t mean while you’re doing it, you’re somehow short changing the family. Any profit you get out of writing, be it money, self-esteem, or just a smile, will benefit your family. A happier, more fulfilled mommy is the best mommy.
In other words, cut yourself some slack!
It wasn't until I read this that I realized this was exactly what I needed to hear.
(It made me a little teary, in fact. In a good way. So thank you.)
This is it. I somehow feel like I'm shortchanging the fam. I've been feeling kind of on edge because I want this bit to myself and I'm not getting it. Then I'm feeling guilty because I'm on edge about it when I know my kids need me.
It's hard to enjoy writing when you feel guilty about doing it.
Cut myself some slack. I'm going to try to do this. And I'm going to try not to feel guilty.
Man. Sometimes being a woman sucks. I don't hear guys saying stuff like this. Damn you ovaries and estrogen. Curse you to the fires of hell!
PS, thank you all, my dear dear friends, for listening to me whine today. This is ending up about me and that wasn't entirely my intention. But thanks for the prop up. I really needed it.
Oh, and I think I'm going to put my "Idea Notebook" back in my purse. I used to write down when things struck me, but I bet I could use it for sentences here and there, get my thoughts together in the free minutes. I'm going to do that again.
And take myself off the "imaginary timetable" I set on how long it should take me to write something. Me and timetables probably aren't going to mix well this year. LOL!
Happy to be any help at all, Marn. I had a feeling that might be where you were heading. LOL! You're absolutely right, being a woman is not for sissies.
There are times when I'm writing that kiddo will want to show me something and I tell her to wait. Rarely she'll huff and I'll stop to take a look. But 99% of the time, she's the biggest supporter in my writing. And it was the same way with the degree.
They love you and always will. They will grow up to be smart, well-adjusted, productive people because they will learn it all from you. One of the best lessons you can teach them is to chase their dreams. And think of how much you can embarrass them when their teens and have to admit to their friends that they mom writes mushy, sex books. LOL!
Wow, how many times can I get "they're", "they", and "their" wrong in one sentence? LMAO!!
As I'm sitting here, I wonder if maybe I'm seeing this wrong too. Maybe I should be plugging this chaos into my MS. There's plenty of room for chaos in this story. Maybe it'd work off some of my agitation during these cold, trapped inside months.
Cheap therapy....
Off to pick up the eldest.
I think Marn and Terri have described exactly why I never wanted to sign up for motherhood. :) It's not that I expect to be #1 all the time, but I don't think I could handle not even being in the Top 5. :)
I think women get shortchanged a lot. And it's sad, because if they got even half the support they willingly give to others--well, you can just imagine the miracles they could produce.
Don't get me wrong, Donna, I wouldn't trade it for anything. But there were days in the beginning I would have paid a king's ransom for the chance to take a shower without either having to get wet and get out or deal with a child screaming outside the door the entire time.
But I'm sure you still deal with woman stuff. I'd bet more than once you've dealt with the "But why don't you have children?" question as if you've somehow not done your womanly duty.
We simply can't win. :)
Terri, you're right -- there is no win. LOL I've been told I'm selfish for not having children. Or been expected to work more or not take time off because I "don't have a family".
I've always said I'd rather be a grandma. I can have the fun part of kids without going through the mom part. LOL
I can send you kiddo. You'd have an instant grandkid! When she's grown and ready for college, feel free to send her back. :)
Boy, when I kill a blog. I kill it dead.
Ter, it isn't you. The whole thing became about me. And I'm not that interesting. LOL!!
Sooooo.... anyone see any good movies? Besides King's Speech. I already know I want to see that. Colin Firth.... What an actor. Even my father-in-law is on board with him.
I'm back. Sorry about that. LOL!
she’s the biggest supporter in my writing. And it was the same way with the degree.
This is awesome. I hope my boys are like this too when the time comes. (Before that time when they're super embarrassed that I write about--shhhh--sex).
I also know that I'm my boys' earliest picture of what male/female relationships are supposed to be like. I don't want to give the impression that women need to be martyrs. I want them to follow their dreams while caring for their significant others and I want them to want strong women who stick up for their dreams too while still loving and caring for them. So, finding balance in my own life hopefully sets a good example too.
Donna - I don't mean to make it sound like it's bad. Becoming a mom defined me in the best way. I adore these boys. I think that's sometimes where moms fall into troubles. We love our kids SOOO much that we literally can't disconnect. What I need is to find a little perspective on it. I can love them SOOO much and still have a little space for me too. I just have to figure out how. LOL!
Oh, and being a grandma looks like it totally rocks. They get all the snuggles, the attachment, the adoration, but they can give them back. And they still get the chance to pipe in with advice so they feel useful and needed. It's like the best of all worlds.
Oh, and I wanted to see if anyone's already signed up for NY. I don't know if I'll be at the conference entirely but I'm shooting to make it up their for the literacy signing. Anyone else?
I can't register until I have my tax return, so probably beginning of March. I can't believe people jumped in like crazy on the first day.
I hope you get to come up, Marn. Looks like we're going to have a good pirate showing this year.
Marn, I don't think your post is just about you. I think you touched upon an issue with which most women can identify. I know finding Me time is far more difficult for mothers of young children, but women generally are expected to be nurturers and caretakers and taught to feel guilty if they also nurture themselves. Christina Dodd had a tweet a few days ago that said (and this is a paraphrase since I couldn't find the tweet) that a writer waiting to be free of chaos to write is never going to find time to write if the writer is a woman.
I think what your concerns are connected to the ideas Virginia Woolf, a woman who had no children, wrote about in A Room of One's Own. She wrote that essay in 1928, but even today, two generations after the women's movement of the 20th century, many women still struggle to find space and time for themselves--and feel guilty if they manage to succeed.
I *heart* Janga.
I love how you said eloquently what I rambled around.
I think you're right, though, that most women I know are much more comfortable caring for others than they are caring for themselves. And, when we do things for ourselves, it's almost like we have to qualify it or have someone give us a pass to do it.
Definitely not fair.
And you connected me to Virginia Woolf even. Wow, you are good. :) LOL!!
PS, LaDodd is correct. If we wait for the chaos to abate, I'd suspect that most women wouldn't write. It's like waiting for hell to freeze over.
Do you think men writers deal with this stuff? Maybe their inability to multi-task allows them to tune it all out.
I think it's their ability to tune stuff out that makes them able to write. I've rarely seen a man multi-task.
I've heard male multi-taskers exist but they're alligators in the sewer (or cheap authentic Louis Vuitton bags), people talk but no one's willing to pay witness.
Sorry, Marn. I had to go off and be a nurturer and helper! LOL
I love this blog and I don't think it is at all just about you! I do think that this giving all of oneself is a very "woman" thing. And when you try to get away from the norm and *gasp* grab a little me time you feel guilty. You're right - guys don't.
Believe it or not the one to show me the error of my ways was my DH. He can be extremely selfish and very "me" oriented. He has shown me over the years how to state my wants and needs and not feel guilty about it. He is an expert (as I'm sure are most guys). The key is knowing how to do it without the guilt! LOL
My mom spotted right off that if I didn't put my wants and needs on the table at the outset he'd always get what he wanted and I'd never get what I wanted. When I mentioned this to him early on in our marriage he smiled his sexy smile at me and said "damn straight!" His reasoning is that if someone is going to give him everything he wants and ask nothing in return he'd be an idiot not to take it. So, I had to learn to stop being a doormat and martyr! Especially when I had kids. You want to show them by example!
Irish - I think your DH and I might be related. LOL! Though I've yet to find a gullible person to give me everything I want. Damn it.
I keep forgetting to say, I don't think this comes across as all about you either. This is definitely felt gender-wide and probably writer-wide, as proven by Janga's comment.
Saw The King's Speech Monday night! It was awesome! Colin and Geoffrey were great!
His reasoning is that if someone is going to give him everything he wants and ask nothing in return he’d be an idiot not to take it.
This made me chuckle. How very male of him. But this is good advice!! And you're right; I need to be a strong female example!!
Huzzah! *humming "I am Woman Hear Me Roar"*
I will disclaimer. My DH is def not to blame here. I know this is my psychosis all the way.
gender-wide and probably writer-wide
Is this a social thing or a biological thing I wonder. It's def not just out culture that does this. Are we wired like this?
You should have been at my house about a month ago, Marn! I called a family meeting and told all present I was not their maid, dishwasher, laundress, blackberry or go-to girl!! And if they didn't start acting like a part of a family and not like they were living in a hotel I was moving back in with my mother.
It's improved somewhat cause mom going off kind of freaked them all out, but I'm sure it'll slip back in time. This raising contributing members of society is a real pain in the butt!
This raising contributing members of society is a real pain in the butt!
Amen sister!
And go you for dropping the hammer!!
My DH is def not to blame here.
That's what is interesting, neither is mine. My mother did blame my father, but what I learned is that she allowed it. It was a very freeing and scary realization - that I had to take charge of my own happiness, health, sense of worth, etc. It is a hard lesson sometimes for women to learn. It is great to have a cheerleader (which my DH is wholeheartedly) but you have to give up the role of martyr. I think in some instances society promotes or encourages women to be just that.
Okay, I'll try to stop! Can you tell this is a hot topic for me! LOL
I hate to sound like a knee-jerk feminist, but I think it is cultural. It seems cross-cultural because it's something all patriarchal cultures, to different degrees, have in common.
Marn, you know the revision of the Helen Reddy line:
"I am woman. Hear me roar. I'm exhausted."
If I had a nickle for everytime I've yelled, "I AM NOT YOUR MAID!!!!"
I'd be rich.
For the writer stuff, I'm not sure it's gender. I think male writers deal with as much distraction, but probably different distractions. There are unspoken expectations for them as well. Like making enough money to provide for the family. Being handy and fixing things, either on the car or around the house. Not all men are crafty that way and we all know few are making a living with writing.
Oh, and I forgot to say "Yay, Donna!" I applaud women who absolutely know motherhood is not for them and opt out. I've seen the product of a couple of women who should have taken that route and it's not pretty!
There are unspoken expectations for them as well. Like making enough money to provide for the family. Being handy and fixing things, either on the car or around the house. Not all men are crafty that way and we all know few are making a living with writing.
Amen to this! There are a ton of things that the DH does around the house that I just can't be bothered with and so I've kind of tuned out. He always says that if he dies I'm going to use up all the life insurance $$ on fix-it men. He's also made me promise that I make sure that they are old, fat and bald with a very unattractive plumber's butt!
Marn, I did not think you don't love being a mom. :) I've actually heard and seen this same scenario from every woman I know who has taken on motherhood (including my mom and my sister).
I definitely agree this is cultural, and it's probably going to take a while before things change completely. I mean, hell, women haven't even had the VOTE for that many years. LOL
I also admire Mr. Irisheyes for being upfront about what many men (and kids) just assume is the way things should be. LOL If I had somebody cooking and cleaning and catering to every one of my needs AND they did it without bitching about it, or even being asked to do it. . .wait, I need to find one of these! :)
I've had to learn the same lesson as Irish. My DH is very good at knowing what he wants/needs and grabbing it. I kept waiting for him to stop and think *hmm, I wonder what she needs. Maybe it's X. Maybe I'll just do that and see."
Yeah, that never happened. I've had to learn how to be vocal about what I need and stick to it. And he's he's almost always perfectly happy to give me whatever it is, he's just never going to be the kind of guy who intuitively knows or tries to guess. I watch my mother try to make hints and manipulate and guilt trip into getting what she wants, and it drives me crazy. She's also convinced my DH is "mean," which is bullshit. He just looks out for himself and expects me to be enough of an adult to do the same thing. It's taken a while to get there, but for me, it was a very freeing lesson to learn as well.
Irish, I actually joke that I have kids all over the place, I just didn't give birth to them. LOL I end up using my maternal instincts on other people in my life, and I've been told a zillion times what a good mom I would have been. I don't regret the choice to NOT go that route though. And I'm with you, I wish some people could have figured out they just wanted a Cabbage Patch doll and a baby shower, not a child. LOL
I had to take charge of my own happiness, health, sense of worth, etc.
This is the first of many of the strong things you guys are saying that I love. I take charge of everything else in this house but there are days I don't take charge of my own happiness. I need to make sure I keep seeing that as just as important as paying the bills and cleaning the toilet because it is, in fact, more important than that.
Janga - “I am woman. Hear me roar. I’m exhausted.” hahahaha!!
I think you might be right. I don't know any matriarchal societies. So this is probably just a byproduct. :)
She’s also convinced my DH is “mean,” which is bullshit. He just looks out for himself and expects me to be enough of an adult to do the same thing. It’s taken a while to get there, but for me, it was a very freeing lesson to learn as well.
Exactly, except they all think my DH is immature or hasn't grown up yet. That's so far off the mark it's not even funny. He's the most responsible man I know. He just likes to have fun and it is a priority in his life. He has taught me so much just by knowing what he wants and going after it and not letting other people's opinion of him stop him.
And I love your statement about "...being enough of an adult to do the same thing." Like our mother's manipulating and guilt tripping is healthy and mature behavior!
Donna, my sister is like that. Not that she wouldn't have gotten married and had kids but the opportunity never presented itself. Now she says she has 18 (nieces/nephews) kids and is happy the way it turned out. She doesn't want the responsibility of being the mom. She likes being the Aunt!
Bo'sun - I think male writers deal with as much distraction, but probably different distractions. There are unspoken expectations for them as well. I think this is true too. I know my hubby isn't handy at all and I know there are times he feels like he should be. He says things like, "I could LEARN how to do it" but he clearly has no interest. Then again, most men don't do the dishes or laundry like my DH does. I think that definitely makes up for that. :)
Donna - If I had somebody cooking and cleaning and catering to every one of my needs AND they did it without bitching about it, or even being asked to do it. . .wait, I need to find one of these! I want one of these too.... I need a wife! LOL!!
I don’t regret the choice to NOT go that route though. And I’m with you, I wish some people could have figured out they just wanted a Cabbage Patch doll and a baby shower, not a child. LOL
I completely agree with this. Same goes for weddings and baby showers, not marriages.
Hal - I’ve had to learn how to be vocal about what I need and stick to it. And he’s he’s almost always perfectly happy to give me whatever it is, he’s just never going to be the kind of guy who intuitively knows or tries to guess.
This is my DH exactly. He's not mean, he's just not good at reading minds (who is?). How's he supposed to know how I feel all the time? Sometimes I don't even know how I feel. And I certainly can't always tell what he's thinking and feeling either.
If I don't speak up, he can't be held responsible. But, if I do speak up and doesn't help out, well, then he deserves my wrath. LOL!
Like our mother’s manipulating and guilt tripping is healthy and mature behavior!
Exactly!!
Like our mother’s manipulating and guilt tripping is healthy and mature behavior!
Exactly!!
hahahaha!! So soooo true.
I hope I got everyone in there. :)
She doesn’t want the responsibility of being the mom. She likes being the Aunt!
Being the aunt is like being the grandma, but without even the expectation of advice. Just all the fun and none of the responsibility aftertaste.
I'm trying to figure out how Hal AND Irish both found grown up men. Talk about the ultimate manicorn.
LOL!
I’m trying to figure out how Hal AND Irish both found grown up men. Talk about the ultimate manicorn.
manicorn. LMAO!
manicorn.
I find it funny that you assume he's grown up. The amount of time he spends playing video games may disabuse that notion *g*
You called him a grown up. Or inferred it somewhere in there.
I was sure you did....
LOL!
I find it funny that you assume he’s grown up. The amount of time he spends playing video games may disabuse that notion *g*
LOL. I think we married twins! The whole house was to stop what we were doing Sunday to look for the Left For Dead and Left For Dead 2 discs that seem to have gone missing! I thought he was going to make me swear on a stack of bibles that I didn't throw them out!
Ter, did you ever see the Lonestar video Mr. Mom?
http://www.cmt.com/videos/lonestar/34663/mr-mom.jhtml
I agree that men are also burdened with gender expectations. I have three nephews who clean, cook, and actively parent, and I don't think they are atypical for their generation. Studies reveal that men now do considerably more household tasks and spend more time caring for children than did men in the past. Still, statistics show women continue to do more housework, are responsible for more childcare, and have less free time than men. This holds true even when the woman works fulltime outside the home. I don't doubt that male writers fight distractions, but I'm skeptical that many of them have the difficulty finding the time to write that women do. My guess is that if we interviewed women writers who have achieved success while they had children at home, we would discover that a large majority had either domestic help or exceptionally supportive husbands. The luckiest had both.
I'd have thrown them out. Another reason I should just stay single.
My guess is that if we interviewed women writers who have achieved success while they had children at home, we would discover that a large majority had either domestic help or exceptionally supportive husbands. The luckiest had both.
I want domestic help. I have the supportive hubby but domestic help would be nice.... Just saying....
And the whole women doing more I think is part of our nature as well. Always something else to be done, isn't there. :)
I have seen that video, Janga! I love how exhausted he is at the end.
I do think these gender issues, at least where parenting is concerned, are getting better with the generations. The further away we get from the expectations of the 50s, the better things get.
Seriously about the 50s. I read an article recently about how un-masculine it was for men to want to spend time with their kids. They'd tell their friends they were going to do something manly and then go home and spend time with their kids instead, just so they wouldn't look feminine. Now though, guys'll say they spend way more time with their kids than they actually do.
At least the trend of what's considered "manly" is changing. Maybe some day we won't worry about manly and womanly and we'll just be people instead with half of us able to carry babies and the other half with better upper body strength.
Sorry, I curled onto my couch and did my afternoon TV watch. I've turned into a Dr. Oz-Rachael Ray-Dr. Phil-Oprah fan with all these snow days. And as for this morning, I had to straighten out my telephone--you know how you set up autowithdrawal on bills? Yeah, it's better to check that every once in a while to make sure it's doing it. Honest mistake, really.
I've only finally did my dishes, straightened up my kitchen, and took out my trash. I looked at my car and thought, "Maybe I should clean it off now instead of tomorrow" but I just went back inside. *LOL*
I have the girl gene with taking care of other people, but I don't think I have the girl gene of having to clean up after everyone. In fact, I'm pretty sure I don't because when I lived at home, I never did it. And guests who come to my house pretty much all fix their own plates when they eat with me, they also put their plates in the sink when they're done and throw away their trash.
I'm not sure my debilitating is that I'm taking time away from other people. It's that...even if I completed this, I'd only have to rewrite it 50 times and only then if I was DAMNED lucky would it sell, and at best it would probably be a midlist book and the publishers would see the numbers and refuse to offer to publish anything else of mine--and I'd just be back to the beginning again. Writing the book is hard; revising is hard; publishing is hard...it's just all hard and sometimes you wish there were aspects that were just a little more rewarding about it. *LOL* It's like you're struggling up a mountain in 6 feet of snow barefoot, only to get to the top and realize there was nothing there. And no one cares. It's a bit demoralizing is all.
Here I am getting motivated to continue mt fight up the mountain, and Hellie says there's nothing at the top. :(
Did y'all see La Dodd's question on FB today?
How many of you are or have been housewives? You know, people who “don’t work” except for cooking, mopping, dusting, vacuuming, child-bearing, laundry, gardening, sibling arbitrator, pet grooming/training/waste removal, homework assistance, car pool, social direction, vacation planning, family counseling, toilet scrubb...ing, sewing, Girl Scout cookie selling/Cub Scout leading, car maintenance, chaperoning, teacher confe . . .?
I saw that Janga. LOL! The frightening thing is she's not exaggerating in the least.
Hellie - What happened to our positive thinking? That comment deserves a smack upside the head. Sin, take care of that, would'ya?
You can think the opposite of that just as easy. Writing is tough but fun and rewarding and all the work could pay off when some highly intelligent editor with amazing tastes decides to buy your book. And then the readers find it and fall in love with it, because it's amazing and it made them laugh and cry and they are clamoring for your next book, so of course that editor begs you to write them another and soon you have a contract for a five book series and life is good.
None of this took me any more energy than your debillitating rant did. Just sayin'...
:)
I'm sorry Janga, between the Vixens blog about pirating and this weather, I'm afraid I just started wallowing and freaking out. I mean, come on, I haven't even got to the top of the mountain to know if there's nothing, do I? This is the same sort of obnoxious negativity where Nazi Grammar CPs flame newbie writers and tell them they'll never be published--but like none of them are published...
Maybe I need some hot cocoa. With some rum in it. *LOL*
PS, I saw the Vixen blog too. How incredibly horrifying. That makes me so mad.
Hellie - You're killing my buzz!! At least in this crucial phase I want to think that there's a reason for all my insanity. I need some rum... I mean hot cocoa too now....
Janga - that cracked me up. :)
What I fear is that I’m letting myself use the chaos as an excuse.
Works for me... Man, what a great blog and I'm so sorry I missed it! I was being the good daughter and 'playing' with my Mom.
It's interesting in that my niece-in-law has been debating if she's ready for a second child and a lot of the same issues canme to the forefront. I think I'll e-mail her the link to this blog!
Post a Comment