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Wednesday, December 22, 2010
"The Twelve Things about Writing That Are Such a Pain to Me"
Sooo…. I tentatively told the crew I was going to parody “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” But, well, that was just too happy for a writing parody. So, I picked something a little more appropriate.
Without further adieu…. My parody of a parody.
*****
"The Twelve Things about Writing That Are Such a Pain to Me"
*****
The first thing about writing that’s such a pain to me… is thinking up an idea.
*
The second thing about writing that’s such a pain to me:
Soothing a fickle muse
And thinking up an idea.
*
The third thing about writing that's such a pain to me:
All those revisions,
Soothing a fickle muse
And thinking up an idea.
*
The fourth thing about writing that's such a pain to me:
Sending query letters,
All those revisions,
Soothing a fickle muse
And thinking up an idea.
*
The fifth thing about writing that's such a pain to me:
Five REJECTIONS!
Sending query letters,
All those revisions,
Soothing a fickle muse
And thinking up an idea.
*
The sixth thing about writing that's such a pain to me:
Nitpicky critique groups
Five REJECTIONS!
Do I seriously have to write this letter?
All those revisions,
Soothing a fickle muse
And thinking up an idea.
*
The seventh thing about writing that's such a pain to me:
Unhelpful contest feedback
Nitpicky critique groups
Five REJECTIONS!
What do you mean the letter’s too long?
I’ll use adverbs if I want to.
No, no aliens in my Regency…
And thinking up an idea.
*
The eighth thing about writing that’s such a pain to me:
Not enough caffeine
Unhelpful contest feedback
How many people are in this Yahoo group anyway?
Five REJECTIONS!
I’ll pay you to write this letter.
I’m using fragments for EMPHASIS!
But of course someone should be electrocuted here….
And thinking up an idea.
*
The ninth thing about writing that's such a pain to me:
Dreaded sagging middle
Not enough caffeine
You highlighted every comma, first round judge?
Five thousand critiques before I get one back.
Five REJECTIONS!
Why don’t agents take phone calls?
Professional editors can’t be that expensive.
Please don’t make me beg, muse.
And thinking up an idea.
*
The tenth thing about writing that's such a pain to me:
Unruly secondary characters
That annoying sagging middle
Not enough caffeine
Listen judge, did someone pee in your Wheaties?
This critiquer has a personality disorder.
Five REJECTIONS!
I know I put the word count here somewhere….
What’s another word for is?
Don’t leave me, I’m only joking!
And thinking up an idea.
*
The eleventh thing about writing that's such a pain to me:
“You’re writing a romance?”
Unruly secondary characters
Stupid sagging middle
How far’s the nearest Starbucks?
I paid thirty dollars for this snark?
That’s it. I’m being as nasty as possible on hers now….
Five REJECTIONS!
Sincerely or Regards?
I’ll start every character’s name with a “J” if I want to.
I’ll replace you with a dog.
And thinking up an idea.
*
The twelfth thing about writing that's such a pain to me:
I want to be like Nora!
“You’re writing a romance?”
Secondary characters
Can’t we just cut out the middle?
Coffee IV drip, stat.
I’ll never enter a contest again.
It should say flambé not feedback on the Yahoo intro page.
Five REJECTIONS!
Screw you, high concept.
I’m just going to start over.
Whatever. Talking to myself means I should be medicated anyway….
And thinking up an idea!!
*****
Merry Christmas, crew and castaways! How about you, though? What things about writing drive you nuts?
Without further adieu…. My parody of a parody.
*****
"The Twelve Things about Writing That Are Such a Pain to Me"
*****
The first thing about writing that’s such a pain to me… is thinking up an idea.
*
The second thing about writing that’s such a pain to me:
Soothing a fickle muse
And thinking up an idea.
*
The third thing about writing that's such a pain to me:
All those revisions,
Soothing a fickle muse
And thinking up an idea.
*
The fourth thing about writing that's such a pain to me:
Sending query letters,
All those revisions,
Soothing a fickle muse
And thinking up an idea.
*
The fifth thing about writing that's such a pain to me:
Five REJECTIONS!
Sending query letters,
All those revisions,
Soothing a fickle muse
And thinking up an idea.
*
The sixth thing about writing that's such a pain to me:
Nitpicky critique groups
Five REJECTIONS!
Do I seriously have to write this letter?
All those revisions,
Soothing a fickle muse
And thinking up an idea.
*
The seventh thing about writing that's such a pain to me:
Unhelpful contest feedback
Nitpicky critique groups
Five REJECTIONS!
What do you mean the letter’s too long?
I’ll use adverbs if I want to.
No, no aliens in my Regency…
And thinking up an idea.
*
The eighth thing about writing that’s such a pain to me:
Not enough caffeine
Unhelpful contest feedback
How many people are in this Yahoo group anyway?
Five REJECTIONS!
I’ll pay you to write this letter.
I’m using fragments for EMPHASIS!
But of course someone should be electrocuted here….
And thinking up an idea.
*
The ninth thing about writing that's such a pain to me:
Dreaded sagging middle
Not enough caffeine
You highlighted every comma, first round judge?
Five thousand critiques before I get one back.
Five REJECTIONS!
Why don’t agents take phone calls?
Professional editors can’t be that expensive.
Please don’t make me beg, muse.
And thinking up an idea.
*
The tenth thing about writing that's such a pain to me:
Unruly secondary characters
That annoying sagging middle
Not enough caffeine
Listen judge, did someone pee in your Wheaties?
This critiquer has a personality disorder.
Five REJECTIONS!
I know I put the word count here somewhere….
What’s another word for is?
Don’t leave me, I’m only joking!
And thinking up an idea.
*
The eleventh thing about writing that's such a pain to me:
“You’re writing a romance?”
Unruly secondary characters
Stupid sagging middle
How far’s the nearest Starbucks?
I paid thirty dollars for this snark?
That’s it. I’m being as nasty as possible on hers now….
Five REJECTIONS!
Sincerely or Regards?
I’ll start every character’s name with a “J” if I want to.
I’ll replace you with a dog.
And thinking up an idea.
*
The twelfth thing about writing that's such a pain to me:
I want to be like Nora!
“You’re writing a romance?”
Secondary characters
Can’t we just cut out the middle?
Coffee IV drip, stat.
I’ll never enter a contest again.
It should say flambé not feedback on the Yahoo intro page.
Five REJECTIONS!
Screw you, high concept.
I’m just going to start over.
Whatever. Talking to myself means I should be medicated anyway….
And thinking up an idea!!
*****
Merry Christmas, crew and castaways! How about you, though? What things about writing drive you nuts?
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39 comments:
The evolution of the letter line be...FABULOUS!
'ell, I'm wipin' tears outta me eyes!
Wonderful progression, Marn!
Oh, what drives me nuts? Probably the same thing that drive Terri nuts, not being able to translate the vision to the page. I accept it, and am at peace, but it still drives me nuts.
That and the word count!
Nuts and bolts, what drive me nuts?
WAITING!
waiting,
waiting,
waiting...
and waiting!
Marn, that was brilliant! I loved the "no aliens in the Regency" and "I'll replace you with a dog". LOL
What drives me nuts is the second-guessing of myself. I was reading my NaNo stuff the other day, for the first time since I finished NaNo, and I really got a kick out of it--but then I started thinking, "But is it BIG enough? Maybe there won't be enough people that like it. Maybe this is just a waste of time."
The waiting is also excruciating. Especially knowing that the publishings folks are off until January. Sigh.
I love this! And I wish I could stick around and play all day, but I have to run. We're already running super late!
Have fun, crew. I love the can't we cut out the middle part. LOL!
*blushing* Awh, shucks. Thanks folks. LOL!
Chance - Glad you liked my line progression. I diddled with it all day the other day. :)
That drives me crazy too, not being able to just project what's going on in my head into an image on the page. It's that whole Plato thing, with the different phases of perception: the perception of the creator, the actual reality of the work, and how the person who experiences the work interprets it. We, as the creators, only have limited control over parts of that.
But it is irritating. I constantly resist, "But what I MEANT to say is...." :)
Donna - Thanks! After I wrote the aliens line I was thinking, well, that might actually be.... NO! Stop talking to me muse!!! :)
I absolutely despise second-guessing myself. I do it all the time. And I'm a Virgo so it happens ALL the time, usually accompanied by the most wicked self-criticism available in my brain.
That nice thing about your Nano work is that now you can go back and make it bigger if you'd like. It's never a waste of time.
To both of you, I don't have a lot of experiences with the kind of waiting you're describing. But I'm thinking of you both. :)
Bo'sun - thanks! Be careful, ok?
This parody is HILARIOUS! We really should do that Pirates' Christmas Carols Album...
The online critique group lines are the most hysterical...and wholly accurate. *LOL* OMG! It really like "Did someone pee in her Wheaties or something?" a lot of the time. Soooo authoritative and not one of them published.
Though I do wish I could cut out the middle entirely most days.
The doubt and fear is what I hate most, I think. The other stuff is hard at times, but doable, but you can't do anything if you're paralyzed by the doubt and fear. All that "Why bother? You're never going to make it" is demoralizing.
Thanks Hellie! :) We should do a Christmas Album. Sort of like the Partridge family but less wholesome.
I wish I could cut out my middle most days too....
Ugh, doubt and fear. I wish sometimes I was fearless. Most of the time I feel all vulnerable about everything I write. And when I reread, forget it. It's like I see every horrible, awful, amateurish thing about my work. It's the worst.
Demoralizing. Exactly.
Wine helps, sometimes, though....
Love it, Marn! I could hear the lines.
I'm another who agonizes over the gap between the wonderfully original, flawlessly executed book in my head and the discoragingly imperfect ms. in a file on my hard drive. I also battle daily with the Too demon who tells me that I'm too old, too cerebral, too single to be writing romance and that my mss. are too quiet, too sweet, too mixed to be marketable. I think one of the reasons communities like this one are necessary to our survival as writers is to encourage us to laugh at ourselves and to take comfort in the fact that we have companionship in our writerly struggles.
Ahh! This is HILARIOUS Marn!!! And soooo true. "I'll pay you to write this letter for me" - ha! You've so perfectly hit on the frustrations, and yet, we laugh about them and keep coming back for more. Hmmm....things like this either keep it all in perspective for us (my vote!) or just highlight how crazy we all are :)
I love how eloquently Janga sums it up: I’m another who agonizes over the gap between the wonderfully original, flawlessly executed book in my head and the discoragingly imperfect ms. in a file on my hard drive.
I always think that -- it's so great in my head! If I could just somehow beam it onto the paper...
BRILLIANT, Marnee! Seriously you guys gotta record this stuff.
I’ll use adverbs if I want to.
Ooohh me too me to me two! Uuhhh …. Whatsah adverb? I know it modifies any part of language … so I’m thinking’ … Its Spanxs for words?!
It’s like they say (ie me) in that quote that I just Adverbed ( If an adverb is any word that modifies any part of language other than a noun , then it makes sence that Advervbing something is simply modifying it to suit my mood.)
My Not Quite Kosher Quote:
There are times in everyone's life when something constructive is born out of adverb-sity... when things seem so bad that you've got to grab your fate by the shoulders and shake it ~Author Unknown
Looks like we all have that feeling about the gap between idea and execution -- I wrote a blog post about it Monday. LOL It's a universal emotion, I think.
Julie, I'm definitely ready to grab fate by the shoulders and shake it. And then kick it in the nads. It probably won't change it, but at least I'll feel better!
Janga - arrhghhh.... I hate it when those voices tell me I'm not enough something or too much something else to be successful. When I was younger it was I'm not old enough, not married, not... whatever. Now it's I'm too married, too mommy, too whatever. Add that to the things my MSS is or isn't and I get all kinds of bogged down. You're not the only one. :) Just try to sass back at them. "I'll be what I want already!!"
Hal - If I could just somehow beam it onto the paper…
Seriously! We need INCEPTION for our manuscripts. LOL!!
I like to think if I don't laugh at this stuff, I'd go a little crazy. So your if/or statement is kinda both, I think. :)
My thoughts on life ...
"The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem." ~Theodore Rubin
Speaking of shaking ...
"Defeat may serve as well as victory to shake the soul and let the glory out." ~Edwin Markham
"We turn to God for help when our foundations are shaking, only to learn that it is God who is shaking them." ~Charles C. West
And since we are on the subject of God ...
"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." ~Mother Teresa
Keeping the faith in yourself and trusting your instants is IMO the hardest part of your writer’s journey.
Because they are beautiful words … that beg to be read out loud.
"There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up, and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity." ~Washington Irving, The Sketch Book, 1820
"Like a plant that starts up in showers and sunshine and does not know which has best helped it to grow, it is difficult to say whether the hard things or the pleasant things did me the most good." ~Lucy Larcom
By next year, we need a carol from everybody and a way to pass the file around, singing and put it all together so that the site has music...all through December!
Bwah ha ha!
Because I know what your thinking when you read my posts …
“What a pity human beings can't exchange problems. Everyone knows exactly how to solve the other fellow's.” ~Olin Miller
:)
Jules - then it makes sence that Advervbing something is simply modifying it to suit my mood. Boy isn't that empowering. LOL!
But yes. I see the argument against adverbs but I still use them now and again. I like adverbs. *stubborn look.* :)
Donna - I’m definitely ready to grab fate by the shoulders and shake it. And then kick it in the nads.
hahahahaha!!! take that, fate!
I’m definitely ready to grab fate by the shoulders and shake it. And then kick it in the nads.
Donna, Fate has nads? I always thought that it had to Have a vagina … cuz Its such a B***ch!
Eeek! I don't KNOW what fate has. Maybe that's my problem--I don't know the proper punishment for it!
Julie - I love those quotes, especially the one about every woman having a little extra spark during tough times. Ain't that the truth? :)
Chance - no way in the world I'm singing anywhere near a recording device. You're out of your pirate-loving mind.
Donna - A kick to the groin is punishment for anyone, I say.
Man, everyone must be busy with their lives today, merry-making and rushing around for last minute shopping.
I'll sit here and hum to myself.
Here Marn put on my headset while you're humming. It'll help drown out any distractions.
And ummm .... that red light thingie on the recording thingidybob is just Christmas lights. ;)
I'm getting ready to go to work, so I'm finishing up some chores. I'm working till 11:30 or midnight, so I'm gonna be a tired girlie. LOL
Jules - Oh, you mean thing.... :)
Donna - Ugh, work. Can you take a nap before you go? With any luck, I'll be asleep by then. I've got a little small boy with a cold and he's not much on sleeping the night these past few days.
Small boy with cold = Very tired mommy.
Marn, I have to leave in about 45 minutes, so I'm drinking coffee to keep me awake. Plus there's coffee at work, so I'll get myself so charged up I won't sleep when I get home. LOL Thank goodness I'm off on Saturday. :)
Sorry to hear you have a sick boy. :( It's tough when you know they'd feel better if they slept, but when they feel yucky, they can't sleep!
I know. And he can't blow his nose so he just looked up at me and sniffles, all pitiful, with snot dripping down his face.
Cute, huh?
Isn't that the kind of pic you take so you can blackmail him with it when he's older? LOL
Poor little guy.
:) I love the evil streak on this boat.
He's pretty cute, even with the snotty nose. I wish I looked that cute when I was all watery eyed and snotty. Must be his dad's genes....
Yup, I figure tomorrow is going to be a totally becalmed sea around here. Which may bode well for my nasty little carol...
Especially as I'll be ducking in and out of Starbucks to log on unless I can entice me mums neighbot inta sharing her password wit' me.
It's all good. I'm glad to know the crew is out and about, pillaging the malls and rabble rousing.
I was bailing out under my kitchen sink. Glad I found the tub full of water down there. It was about an inch from overflowing. Not the DH has to figure out where that water is coming from before we head out for three days! Whoop!
Wish I were pillaging!
I've been in the kitchen today. Cheese cakes, cranberry-orange loaves, fudge, and brownies all finished along with a tub of chicken salad for tomorrow evening's whoever-stops-by dinner. All the gifts are wrapped too. I'm afraid my writing is on the back burner until after Christmas.
I hope all you pirates, your significant others, and adored progeny have a happy holiday.
Party at Janga's house!! :) All that stuff sounds soooo yum.
I'm afraid my writing is on the backburner until after Christmas too. :)
I've been fighting the other crazy drivers out there today. And the elements. Nothing bud, but lots of wind, a short flurry, and really freaking cold! How is it I went SOUTH and it got COLDER?!
I'll be on the road again tomorrow. And then I'm going to enjoy my weekend doing as little as possible!
I'm partway to Sacramento, took a stop at a B&N, still looking for the December edition of Realms of Fantasy. Great, found an AUGUST issue! So, far, two August issues, three October issues...no December issues! I wanna see the ad with my book in it!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
No December issues? Oooh Poor Chance! Then again ... maybe people saw the ad & had to buy the issue. So really I should be saying ... Way to go Chance!
What a riot, Marn! Awesome job. Sorry bout the little one :( My baby (13) has been on the nebulizer all day - when he coughs he sounds like a seal. Not fun!
Finished up last minute shopping, got the 2 poochies groomed and wrapped with the hubby. So far, ahead of schedule.
Way to go Janga! Sounds yummy!
Good luck on the return trip, Ter.
Good luck with the bailing and search & find mission, Chance.
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