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Do You Hear What I Hear?
A man flew out in front of me and I came to a stop. He landed face down in the sand and I shot a look at the broken window and the drunken pirate who threw him out.
Said the drunken pirate to the ice picking queen.
“Do you have a problem?”
“Do I have a problem?”
Standing in the broken window frame, dancing in the firelight.
“Do you have a problem?”
“Do I have a problem?”
I tucked the specialty bottle of rum closer to my body and pulled the collar of my jacket up further. Remember what the captain said, I thought to myself. Do not trouble make. It's almost Christmas and we need to get out of here.
I mentally swore. This was the wrong night to be itching for a fight.
“Nope.” I gave him one last look before I stepped over the lump of pirate and continued on my way. I rounded the corner and heavy footsteps came to my attention.
The ship of the Rogue Sword.
A sword, a sword
Swinging in the night.
With a blade as big as the ship's mast.
With a blade as big as the ship's mast.
I swiveled on my heels and turned down the alley. The Rogue Sword was our sworn enemy. We'd stolen some of their crew to make up our hotties crew and they were wont to forgive us. When DRD tried to offer positions to soothe their irate childishness, they lashed out and stole our rum supply!
Said the Rogue Sword Crew to the Ice Picking Queen,
“Yo ho! What do we have here!”
Voices boomed through the quiet night,
“Isn't it a little late for a wench to be alone in the night?”
I slowed to a stop and darted a look over my shoulder. Golden Eye Johnny stood at the front of his crew, arms crossed over his chest, biceps straining against the sleeves of his t-shirt. His golden eyes were focused on me.
“Shit,” I swore under my breath. My ice pick was in my boot as a safety precaution and not in my pocket for easy accessibility. I thought about my options. No cell service on Tortuga. No ability for a telepathic line to the other pirates as I've yet to develop that ability.
A fight! A fight!
Late into the night.
With an ice pick as shiny as a diamond.
With an ice pick as shiny as a diamond.
I turned into a fighting stance. Half my body was shielded in the dark the alley offered and the moon shimmered down on the other half. I smiled sweetly and the crew snickered.
Said the Ice Picking Queen to the Golden Eye Johnny,
“Walk away or you'll face the wrath of Evil Twin.”
Laughter rang out through the alley way,
“Do you really think you can take me?”
My fist clenched at my side, fingers popped in anticipation. The rum bottle was warm against my side. The corners of my lips turned malicious with an evil glint in my eye. I crooked my finger at Golden Eye Johnny and he shook his head.
“I'll be the last.” His golden eyes twinkled in the moonlight. “I want to savor this moment.”
A look, a look.
Between two killers.
May the winner be the ice picking queen.
May the winner be the ice picking queen.
He waved forward three of his mighty henchmen from the Rogue crew. These men were giants and brute strength was quite obvious for all to see. I slid deeper into position and waved them forward. The first henchman rubbed his hands together gleefully and the two behind him split up so they could surround me. My heart rate raced, blood danced through my veins. I took a deep breath and dodge the first fist lashing out towards my hair and swung the rum bottle. The smell of spiced rum and blood filled the alley as he fell to his knees. I swung around and caught the second henchman in the chest, slashing his shirt open, blood welled to the wound.
“Wench!” The first henchman ranted, blood poured down the side of his face. His hand applied pressure to his skull. “Get her!”
Three more henchmen for the Rogue came into the melee. Golden Eye Johnny watched with a smile.
The henchman closest to me lunged forward and I planted my booted foot right in his chest. I wielded the broken rum bottle as if my life depended on it, slashing and dodging. A henchman caught me from behind. His fist tangled in my hair. My feet slipped out from under me and I fell to my knees and reached for my boot. I would win no matter the cost.
My hand wrapped around the cold metal of my diamond pick. There was a collective hush and everyone looked toward the street corner where six shadows silhouetted stood in super pirate hero poses.
Said the RWR crew to the fallen Rogue Sword Crew,
“Golden Eye Johnny now you've really done it!”
Capt'n Hellie stood at the front, pissed off and finger pointed,
“Now you've gone and messed with the wrong pirate crew!”
The Capt'n brandished her Capt'n sword and Bo'sun swung a length of chain. Marnee held an old keyboard using the cord like a whip. Hal stood in the background, supervising while the baby did martial arts in the baby oven. DRD directed her harem of Hotties to kick some ass while she read books on Bo'sun's clepted e-reader. Chanceroo called out the spirits of the Kraken.
The fight, the fight.
Will be won without a fuss.
Because the RWR crew is truly the best!
Because the RWR crew is truly the best!
As we came back to the RWR ship, flushed with excitement, joyful with our victory, I hung back behind the crew.
“How did you know?” I asked and six heads turned in my direction.
Hellie grinned and Chanceroo looked sheepish. “Chance was worried you'd run off with her special bottle of rum for making her new Christmas creation and wouldn't stop harping us.”
“So we decided to set off on a Christmas field trip!” Marn twirled her keyboard cord like a baton. “Let's make this a tradition!”
Chanceroo grinned and headed over to the bar. She crouched behind the bar and sat a dark bottle of rum on the bar. “I'll make us some drinks! Let's party!”
Bo'sun pulled the prisoners onto the gangplank and jerked her thumb towards the men. “What am I supposed to do with them?”
“Put them in my room?” DRD inquired with a smirk. “I'll teach them all a lesson they won't soon forget.”
Hellie shook her head in resignation and Bo'sun laughed. Bo'sun dumped off the men in DRD's room and we all went to the bar. We all took our rum concoctions and downed them with a swig. Hellie smacked her glass down with a thump and gave me a look.
“We are NOT doing this again next year.”
I smirked. We'll see about that.
***
Merry Christmas to all and Happy Holidays to the rest! Thanks for suffering through my horrible rendition of “Do You Hear What I Hear”! Not nearly as bloody as I wanted to make it.
What is your favorite holiday tradition? What is your favorite holiday movie or book?
Books by the Crew
61 comments:
Swipin' me special bottle a rum, ya worthless ninja tart!? The one wit' the kraken on the label?
*grumble
Well, least I hope ya used it well.
murmur to self Good thing she don't know about the case I stashed away...
;-) Favorite holiday tradition, eatin' me mum's cinnamon rolls.
Sin, thanks for making me laugh so much this morning! That was epic, truly epic. I can't believe you thought it wasn't bloody enough. LOL And I'm glad to see my managerial skills got put to good use--just like the ice pick did.
I'll be at work today so I'll just grab a bottle of rum before Chance does a count. . .have a great one, pirates!
Donna's right: "epic" is the word, Sin. My favorite sentence is "There was a collective hush and everyone looked toward the street corner where six shadows silhouetted stood in super pirate hero poses." Love it! LOL
I have too many favorite traditions to list them all. One is my annual Christmas lunch with the woman who has been my BFF since we were four years old. I have many favorite Christmas books and movies too. I just reread The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, a children's book I'll never outgrow, and I love The Muppets' Christmas Carol. I guess in my heart I'll always be a kid at Christmas.
And because every good Sin post needs a random tangent, I give you:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/12/year-kenny-loggins-ruined-christmas.html
The new Hyperbole and a Half post for Christmas. I nearly wet my pants laughing.
Chancerooooooo but I put it to such good use I didn't think you'd mind...
Mmmm, I love cinnamon rolls. I love pecan rolls even more. Have one to eat this morning. I can't wait to dig into it. I might have to eat all the caramel pecan goodness off the top first.
I nearly wet my pants laughing at this. LOL! This is AWESOME! Epic and Awesome and filled with Awesome Rum Sauce! LOL!
I got to wield a chain AND handle the prisoners. This is a good day. A good day, my friends. LOL!
No traditions here. Very depressing.
I scored TWO epics so far this morning!!
Sin = Baller Epic Status!
Janga, that was my favorite part to write! I'm so glad you loved it!
Christmas is supposed to bring out our inner child. That's what part of the Christmas spirit is all about.
With Awesome Rum Sauce!!
Three Epics!!
Ter, you just need something to do with the Iz. You could sit on the couch and drink cocoa and watch Christmas story until your mind goes numb. Or have a Christmas sleep over party with just you girls watching your favorite girl movies and fall asleep waiting for Santa to come. You can always sneak out of the room to fill the presents while she's sleeping. Though, *ponders* she's getting to the age of being a non-believer.
So sad. Everyone knows Santa is real.
Super pirate hero poses!! I love it! I can just imagine how we'd look with. So funny, Sin!!
I hadn't seen that blog before, but that was hilarious. Thanks for sharing - I'm going to have to waste all sorts of time today going back through the older posts. Ahh, the life of a pirate (post-kicking Golden Eye Johnny's ass).
We don't have a lot of traditions. On Christmas morning, we'll get up early to open stockings, go to Mass, then come back for presents and banana pancakes. Mmmmmmmmm. I feel like starting some tradition about Christmas movies and wrapping presents . . . but I can't really think of anything besides, well, sticking in a Christmas movie and wrapping presents :)
*LMFAO* OH. MY. DOG. That is freaking hysterical. LOLOLOL!!! That conversation between the wise men is too good. "Have you ever owned a camel?" LOL!
And I KNEW Kenny Loggins was immortal!
"If you cut off Kenny Loggins arm and stick it in the ground, it will grow another Kenny Loggins."
LMFAO
*falling on the floor*
Kiddo is only here every other year, so it's hard to have any traditions in this way. Basically, any traditions I may have tried to start years ago, have been destroyed and crashed in a ball of tradition-killing flames.
Perhaps I'll come up with something in her teen years...
I love the part when she loses her temper and uses Mary's cane to beat the baby Jesus for everyone laughing.
"Jesus was a big fan of Kenny Loggins." LOL! I bet his favorite song was that theme to Footloose.
In Matt's family once all the presents are unwrapped there is a wrapping paper war. You wad up your scraps of wrapping paper and start throwing. No one is safe. I usually jump behind the couch and use it as a shield. I'm also known for using Matt as a shield.
How can my OWN comment await moderation. WTF Word Press. It's MY blog.
Epic! Epic! Epic! It was like Charlie's Angels meets Salt meets The Outlaw Josey Wales--EPIC!
I think it pegs us perfectly.
I was telling my dental hygienist yesterday about how awesome our blog was and that this is my favorite time of year because the blogs are always so hilarious and fun.
Maybe the blog at Christmas is my favorite tradition. *LOL* You guys rock.
When I was little, we'd open gifts on Christmas Eve--and I kinda miss that. Nowadays our tradition is to get together on Christmas and have a meal, and we watch The Christmas Story on TBS. *LOL* I love that movie.
Other Christmas movies I love: Holiday Inn, It's a Wonderful Life, Elf, Fred Claus, Christmas Vacation, Christmas in Connecticut....
Mmm banana pancakes. I want some.
Sounds like Matt's fam, Hal. Christmas day is so busy I don't feel like I get to enjoy it until late that night when everything settles. It's helped some since we started spacing it out over a couple of days.
I love Love Actually as a Christmas movie.
That's right. I said it, GPS. I will argue with you another hour if I have to but Love Actually is a f*cking Christmas movie. You wretch.
We always watch Christmas Story. A few years ago I bought it for my dad for Christmas. One of my favorite parts of that movie is the bunny suit. LMFAO
Today is a truly glorious EPIC day for me on the blog!! Most excellent!
Love Actually is totally a Christmas movie!
I love "It's a Wonderful Life" too, and the first "The Santa Clause," as silly as it is *g*
At the last writing meeting, GPS argued with Sin and I about what actually constituted a Christmas movie. Sin and I were on the same page; GPS was not. *LOL*
Of course, we were torturing her with Meet Me In St. Louis and she was a bit cranky, but damnit, it's a Christmas movie.
Love Actually is totally a Christmas movie.
Wrapping paper fight. This could be fun. We're meeting the family somewhere in the middle in January to exchange presents. Wonder if whatever restaurant we meet in will mind if we start throwing wads of colorful paper. LOL!
Wrapping paper fight in a restaurant. That'd be awesome (and require youtube evidence)
I love this idea. I should totally start a wrapping paper fight on Christmas morning and see what happens!
This is awesome. Super hero pirates indeed.
And I read the Hyperbole and a Half last night and giggled. The face of the mom as she's trying to send her daughter to her room.... Priceless.
Holiday traditions? We're in the middle of starting new holiday traditions, I guess. Christmas morning we have donuts and mimosas. And we go to my mom-in-laws for dinner on Christmas. Christmas eve is at my place this year. So that's kinda fun. I'm making what my mom used to make on christmas eve. Ham, potato salad, and green bean casserole. And LOTS of sweets. :)
I love It's A Wonderful Life, even though everyone always asked me if my hubby and son were named after that guy. (He wasn't. My hubby's the fourth, kiddo the fifth, so the name's older than the movie.) And our household is known to watch National Lampoons Christmas Vacation all day on Christmas. "Shitter's full"
"Kenny Loggins wouldn't beat the baby Jesus."
I'm not sure this is quite on par with the simple-minded dogs moving, but I do have tears in my eyes and co-workers have checked on me because I kept making snickering/wheezing sounds. They were then sorry they asked when I showed them parts of the piece.
Well Merry Christmas and or Happy Holidays to All of You too!
My favorite holiday movie is A Christmas Story! Gotta love a tale with lines like ‘You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out’
My number one Christmas Comfort Read is Daniel and the Angel by Jill Barnett. It can be found in the book, A Holiday of Love.
“Kenny Loggins wouldn’t beat the baby Jesus.”
I'm totally going to be saying this all day. Toooo funny!
Slight tangent - Sin, have you seen the techno hoodies at Old Navy? I think they had you in mind when they designed them.
I wanted to put a bit in this where Jules and her DH were blowing up a tank, but I couldn't make it fit. Maybe next time.
*sing-song voice* You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out.
I've seen them Ter. Most of my hoodies have earphone loops built into the pockets and hoods so that I can wear my ear buds. But I'm pinky up about my earphone so I only wear Skullcandy.
And everyone should end Christmas this year with a wrapping paper fight. The little kids enjoy a good paper fight and the men seem to as well.
Hal was it you who said they'd never read Hyperbole and a Half before?! How does that even happen? The Texas one nearly made me die laughing. I'm pretty sure I had a moment when I couldn't breathe anymore.
And I say go for it! Fight in the diner as long as you're never going back. Who cares!
I wanted to put a bit in this where Jules and her DH were blowing up a tank, but I couldn’t make it fit. Maybe next time.
Ooohhh they wouldn't let me anywhere near the new tanks. I had to see them from a fire*. It was so sad.
Oh. my. I'm appallingly amused. A fire is what my headset wrote out for the word 'afar'.
And everyone should end Christmas this year with a wrapping paper fight.
Be careful or
You’ll shoot your eye out! You’ll shoot your eye out.
Called out the spirit of the kraken...wonder if that means I sprouted multiple arms and whooped ass...or it was the kraken rum...
I'm so glad I'm at home still, now I can go have hysterics at the hyperbole blog and not strangle myself holding back!
Oh, god. My jaw muscles ache. I need to smile more often!
That was so funny!
I need to go wipe the tears off my face now... and maybe clean the snot off my the DH's keyboard.
I bet Kenny Logans never spews snot when he's laughing...
I do believe that Kenny Loggins is becoming the new Chuck Norris.
Jules, I don't want to know what you're going to shoot your eye out with.
Everyone keep the rocket launcher away from Jules until after the holidays.
Snot worships the ground Kenny Loggins floats over.
Everyone keep the rocket launcher away from Jules
Hummmphhh! I never get to play with the Big Kid toys!
That was incredible Sin! and EPIC! and hilarious. The talent on this ships knows no bounds.
Lots of traditions in the Irish household. Ones we started with our kiddies - watching White Christmas with the kids, making Xmas cookies for the neighbors, Xmas Eve mass after dinner at Chili's (I know, I know. I get a lot of flack for that but it's the only restaurant open on Xmas Eve and I refuse to cook cause I'm such a raving lunatic by that time), opening gifts Xmas morning then a big Turkey dinner.
Then you've got all the traditions with my family - I have them all (20-35 people depending) over for a sleepover which will happen Xmas night this year. We do an adult grab bag, my brother does a gift card concentration game, we play games and have a little talent (show-off) segment.
The DH are starting our Love Actually tradition. In fact he just asked me last night when we were going to be able to sit down and watch it. I definitely don't want the kids watching it yet.
We try to throw in all the animated cartoons too - Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Rudolph, Frosty, Charlie Brown Xmas, etc. I like It's a Wonderful Life.
Irish - Kiddo and I were in a hotel one morning on one of our many road trips, and I found Love Actually on television. What I didn't realize was that it was one of the pay movie networks, which meant they showed EVERYTHING. LOL! I was drying my hair when kiddo started yelling "EEEEW EEEEW EEEEW!"
I have never found a remote that fast in my life. LOL! I think she might have been eight.
Well. I’ll find something’ else to play with. And no. I don’t mean my DH.
I read my scope today and it said honest-to-Betsy I am not making this up …
Your Horoscope - Today, December 22, 2010
Some new equipment made available for your use might prove fascinating, Julie, and you're apt to want to learn as much as you can about how it works. Therefore, this is a great day to increase your computer skills. You might also want to try your hand at sound or video recording. Art combined with modern technology could well be a primary focus for today. Learn as much as you can, and have some fun in the process.
Oh? Really? Well (Jolly)Roger that.
The stars have given me Permission to unleash my … What did Marnee call it? My Melodic Voice ... upon The World!
*wicked wicked laugh*
Yeah, Ter, we're slowy but surely inching them into all of our classic favorites, but some of them it's gonna be a while.
A little tangent - I don't know if I told this story yet... we hosted a movie night at our house once a month with my family and my cousin/BFF's family. 4 adults and 4 kids (ages 11-13 at the time). We tried to pick movies we loved and thought the kids would like. My husband picked Trading Places - remembering the Eddie Murphy scene in the train as the African Ambassador but not remembering the beginning with the f bomb dropped every 2 seconds and the hookers. It was hilarious - you never saw 4 adults jump around in the dark looking for remotes and yelling "cover your eyes!" and "earmuffs!" so fast in your life. We removed him from movie selector after that. In his defense he claimed he hadn't seen the unedited version in over 20 years!
I'm finding your DH tying classic Eddie Murphy with "child appropriate". LOL! Could have been worse, he could have picked Raw. :)
Wow, left an entire fragment out of that one.
I'm finding it FUNNY. Sheesh.
Love Actually...Okay...another movie I'm not sure I know... I'm more prone to disaster epics and adventure movies...sorry!
We thought we'd take "Despicable Me" up to Mom's and watch it with her... Last year we did "Mama Mia"...
Speaking of “Despicable Me” my headset has decided to call itself my headssaint.
WTH?
Honestly.
I might be a bit rambunctious. But I'm not Uncorrigible. Or as my headset puts it … But I'm not an expert on encourage a bull. LOL
And One has to wonder? Has My headset been processed by the spirit of a saintly spirit? Or did SIN finally hack into my computer?
HackED!
Jeez ...
Yeah, Ter, both of our memories are going. We remember loving certain movies and forget a lot of the racier content and that we were in our twenties when we saw them not pre-teen! Although we both managed to see Animal House when we were 12 - amazing what happens when the parents aren't paying attention.
The funny thing about the whole Trading Places fiasco is that all 4 adults had seen the movie when it came out but blanked out on half of it! We were all laughing hysterically saying "I completely forgot about that scene" over and over again.
My fave line in the Hyperbole blog was the lead in to her bludgeoning baby Jesus: "An unforeseen plot twist arose. . ." LOL I can using that whenever things go differently than planned.
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