Monday, November 8, 2010
Head Space
I was emailing with Chanceroo yesterday and reminiscing about a time in my life when everything was calm. I had balance and almost no stress. Grant it, I’d just come out of a not so fun divorce and was a new single mother adjusting to one income, but they were still good times. I was exercising regularly, going to bed at ten every night, eating right, feeling good, and looking better than I ever have in my adult life.I had my shit together. But what I realized in typing this out to Chance is that it’s really easy to have your shit together when you don’t have a lot of shit to begin with.
These days, I’m surrounded by shit. Literally and figuratively. (The litter box is right by my desk.)
As expected, my balance is all out of whack. In fact, it’s jumped a ship to parts unknown and I don’t see a return date any time soon. I’m heavier and more tired than I can ever remember being, not that I can remember much. That’s another issue – braincell-lackitus.I’ve been telling myself since about 2005 that my life would return to this more balanced state. Once I made enough money to pay the bills, got a computer, finished my degree, wrapped up that conference or company function. At what point do you call bullshit on yourself? And when is the moment you admit that balance ain’t ever coming back?
I’m not really complaining, I’ve had an awesome year. But with awesome comes insanity and I’m not sure I have any more brain cells to burn trying to keep all this crap in the air. So I need to get into a better head space. Especially since I’ve put down my money to enter the Golden Heart.
I have two hard deadlines in my life right now. My GH entry has to be in by December 2nd and there’s no way around it. I can’t push this one back or tell myself it’s okay to miss it. At the same time, my company holiday party is December 4th and I’m not even close to being ready. Hell, I haven’t even ordered the invitations or finalized the menu. (I did buy a dress, so that’s one thing off the list.)
What I need is a way to get my head back in the game. I need to clear out the shit, or at least organize it into something I can work around. I need a way to shut it down so I can work on one thing at a time without thinking about the eight others I need to be doing.
Any and all suggestions welcome, even meditating. Anyone do that and really make it work? Is there a “Meditating for Dummies” out there I could use? Anyone got a spare robot, cleaning lady, or handy man they could lend me? An awesome party planner or writer extraordinaire would be welcome too.
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64 comments:
Well, meditation won't help you organize anything. What it can do is make it easier to handle the disorganization! I use CDs when I feel the need to try to step out of the madness.
It don't always work.
The best way I've found for me lately is the evening walk on the bluff with Bonnie to watch the sunset. But I fear that may be coming to an end as the weather turns toward rain and cold. (OK, not cold compared to east coast...but cold to me!)There is something about breathing deep as the last of the daylight disappears that eases me.
Morning walks are good, too...but not as peaceful.
Maybe you could walk on your lunch, when you can!
Try one goal a day. It's less daunting. Once you get a positive feeling from achieving this one goal, you'll skip a few steps and do some more.
Failing that, I send you big hugs from warm Sydney.
My Darcy Mutates
One word: Delegate
Why do you have to be the one doing the invitations and menu? Even if you gave small, specific tasks to another person it might lighten your load considerably.
Pick a job you really don't want to do, then break it up among 2-3 people. You can come back in the end and make sure everything is to your liking and wrap it up.
I think looking at all one has to accomplish is overwhelming, at least it is for me. It makes me want to hide and say, "I can't do this!" I can remember semesters when I taught three sections of composition and 60-70 essays would be stacked on my desk for grading. Department policy dictated that they be returned within a week, and that seemed impossible.
Things seemed more manageable if I looked at one day. I could grade ten essays in one day. These days I try to use the same approach with my writing. What can I do today? I can't write fifteen articles, but I can write one. I can't write 50K or even 10K, but perhaps I can write one scene. Of course, sometimes I am reminded of the big picture, and I still want to throw up my hands and scream. :)
I've got nothing. You made me exhausted just reading your blog.
However, you did sorta nail it with the "concentrating on one thing at a time"--I read in Women's World magazine (damn, I love that thing) that multitasking is not the way to go. You should really just bang out things one at a time, get them done, cross them off, and move on. You'll be more productive, you'll feel less overwhelmed (supposedly).
Personally I prefer to prioritize and bang out stuff one at a time. What can live another day, what absolutely must be done today.
As for party vs GH: during daylight hours of M-F, it's clearly all about the party; and when it's night, you worry about your GH--and don't obsess about the other when it's not its allotted time. You can get them both done.
You might have to stop committing yourself to kid functions though. What is it with schools nowadays that they have parents running around like chickens with their heads cut off and throwing money at EVERYTHING? My co-worker was talking about all the money they spend on extra stuff for school and we never did any of that crap. WTH. And they're not any better educated than I was, thanks...
I never could get into meditation or yoga; I always felt like it was taking time away from the stuff I needed to get done. It's hard to relax when you're blaming your relaxation for your problems.
I've got nothing for you today. As soon as I figure out how to organize my life again, I'll pass along my wisdom. Now, anything I say will just be hypocritical.
Big hugs though. I'm sure you're going to do it all fabulously, like the wonder woman you are.
Chance - I have some great instrumental soundtrack music on my iPod. I need to try zoning out with that for a while. I bet I could sit on my bed with the earbuds in and maybe get some brain settling done. That would be good.
Walking would be good, but only at a point where I wouldn't spend the walk thinking about the towels not yet being put away. :) We're still in the 60s over here, but I'm not sure how much longer that's going to last.
Welcome aboard, Enid! Are you having a lovely spring down there? I watched Australia again last week and it made me want to visit again almost enough to deal with that long flight. LOL!
Excellent advice. I've been doing that with the house stuff - I just bought a place and moved in 10 days ago - and it really does make it managable. And seeing that one thing done keeps me motivated to move on down the list. I will try my best to apply this in other areas.
Oh, Maria, I wish I could delegate. I've been planning this function totally alone for four years and this time around I was assigned helpers. Both were assigned against their will and neither has been much help. In fact, one became a giant obstacle yesterday and I had to sic the big guns on her. Sometimes it helps to have a direct line to the executive level. ;)
And the other answer is, "delegate" is not in my control freak vocabulary. LOL!
Janga - When you said how many articles you recently signed up to do, I thought you were crazy. LOL! I did work on my first 50 pages during the summer, so the GH isn't freaking me out just yet. I'm hoping the synopsis doesn't kill me, but I have lots of writing buddies to turn to, and I think my storyboard will come in handy.
Now, as Crusie would tell us, we have to remember to NOT LOOK DOWN.
Hellie - Didn't mean to wear you out. LOL! But this is why I take my vitamins! Thankfully, kiddo is not doing much extra-curricular stuff at school right now. So that really helps. But she wants to play softball in the spring. We'll see what that does to me.
Your advice is sound, but I know myself well enough to know I'm not sure I can follow it. First off, I suck at prioritazing. Second off, I've been multi-tasking for so long, I'm not sure I know how to stop.
Add in the part where my brain refusing to stop thinking about shit it can't do anything about, and I'm the one whose got nothing. LOL!
Marn - You've got bigger brain drainers than I do - as in TWO little ones and the hubby. I have ONE mid-sized model and no hubby. Yep, you're in a tougher boat than I. But you can do it. Your chaos will subside and things will fall into some semblence of normal and you'll feel in control again. It may take years, but it'll happen. :)
In the meantime, never feel like a hypocrit. I'll take any advice you have to give, even if you don't take it yourself. Hell, I rarely take my own advice.
Interesting post, Terri. And some interesting suggestions.
If YOU were a friend, how would you advise them in this situation?
It's always easier, and more fun, to give advice -- so what would you tell your "friend" if she was feeling overwhelmed yet unable to let go of the things overwhelming her? :) There might be some good clues in there.
I've taken my vitamins, thank you. Not all of us have the constitution of an ox.
Did you just call me an ox?! LOL!
Donna - Did you miss the part about me rarely taking my own advice? LOL! Well, I'd probably suggest making a list at this point. Which I could do. And I'd also probably make Maria's suggestion of delegating, which I am trying to do at home.
Kiddo is ignoring all the stuff that needs unpacked in her room, I'm sure thinking I'll give in and unpack it. But I'm not! Really, I'm not giving in. So far.
My bottom line would be just to attack and not worry about what didn't get done. Way easier to say than do though.
If YOU were a friend, how would you advise them in this situation?
Ooooh, smart, Donna! That way you're not giving advice and she's not shooting it down that it won't work for her!! Good one!!!
If the cloven hoof fits...
I've got nothing to offer, but I feel your pain. And the worst part is, there's so much crap on my to-do list, that it's *all* I can do. I'd feel better if I could chuck it all and just hang out with friends or go out to lunch with somebody or something or do something to relax.....but then I'd be even farther behind....ugh.
Personally, I've found huge crying fits to be helpful :) I always feel better afterward
Though I will say, this weekend, I had 25 papers to grade, so I promised myself that I could buy an e-book the second I finished them, and spend the next three hours doing nothing but reading. I FLEW through those 25 papers, man. Bribery is an excellent tool.
Dude, just let her live out of the boxes. It's her room. You care too much. *LOL*
There's no need to get mean. And I didn't realize I was shooting down all the advice, but I am. Fine, I'll stop doing that.
Hal - That's what I miss, being able to relax and do something simple without feeling like I should be doing a ton of other things. I often fall back on that line from the movie Parenthood when Steve Martin and his wife are arguing and he has to go coach the ball team and she says, "Do you have to go?" To which he responds, "My whole life is 'have to'."
That's how I've felt for a few years now and it's not a fun feeling. At least not all the time.
Actually I was typing when you wrote that part, so I probably DID miss it. :)
Hellie, glad you liked my trick. It's worked with others, so I decided to toss it out here.
The other thing to look at is what kind of payoff we get from the various activities, and decide if that payoff is worth the angst or turmoil it causes. We almost need to analyze ourselves as if we're our characters. What's the emotional reason underlying these actions? It's got to be a strong one, which is why we're resistant to changing our actions.
I apologize for getting testy, but you besmirched my health and shot down my advice. You know there are people here at work who actually think I have clever ideas.
Though I like Hal's idea of bribery. Bribery is a useful tool. Esp with children. Or me.
Donna, analyze ourselves? You mean search for our motivation and make sure our motivation to accomplish something is greater than our motivation to not do so??
I wasn't besmirching your health! I was simply pointing out that this is why *I* need the vitamin D. LOL! YOu're making everything about you again. Yesterday was your day. Today is my day. :)
Actually, let's turn on Donna. Are you suggesting I delve into motivation and goals? Because you have to know those two words give me hives when applied to my characters. Which means thinking about the terms as they apply to me could send me off the deep end.
Do you really think NOW is the time to poke this bear? LOL! Do you SEE how close I am to the edge?!
Hellie, I mean a little bit more than motivation, I guess. And I'm going to use examples of ME and people I've managed over the years, so I don't want anyone to be offended. :)
When I was a manager I tried to do everything, and the payoff was that everyone would ooh and ahh over how amazing I was, and how I could get everything done, and wow, wasn't I just the greatest employee ever? I would work 8 days in a row, come in on my day off, let an employee go home early because her back hurt while I was coughing up my lungs with bronchitis. Stuff like that, over and over.
Why would I keep doing that if the emotional payoff was not huge? And I mean bigger than a paycheck? LOL
And even after all that, when it came time for layoffs, I was one of the first to be let go -- not because I hadn't worked my ass off, but because my salary was bigger than someone who didn't work as hard as I did.
So what I'm trying to say is if we look at the reasons WHY we devote ourselves to certain things, we may find a way to determine WHICH of those tasks are most important. :)
Or maybe I'm full of shit. LOL
Well, of course, it's about me, Terri. EVERYDAY is my day.
Poke the bear, Donna, poke the bear.
No poking was intended. :) Now I'm going to follow my instincts and go to work on my WIP!
Nice post and one I think we can all think about for our own lives.
I agree with Janga - don't concentrate on your whole to-do list at once. At work I keep a looooongggg master to do list, but every day I take out a scratch pad and list the top 5-10 small to big projects I need to focus on that day. If I can get half the list done it's been productive. Also - there is something to be said for using a big black sharpie to cross something off the list as done. Feels good and serves as a reminer to yourself that you completed something.
I don't neccessarily mediatate, but like Chance I take some time to myself everyday. It could be a short walk, stopping to enjoy a cup of coffee, listening to music on my drive home - whatever I feel that day that connects me to...me. That I've touched base with my own inner monologue and center myself and that I'm still ok even if the rest of the world is in chaos.
Sometimes it's only 5-10 minutes, but it's enough to keep me sane.
Ugh, Donna, that SUCKS. And we're going through layoffs now and it's like that. The ones with the biggest salaries are being let go first. Though in honesty, the ones with the biggest salaries are NOT coming in 8 days a week, I can tell you.
This economy blows.
Emotional payoffs do seem to be bigger motivators than tangible ones, like money or titles.
Jeez, Donna, you could be describing my life right now. And *why* do I work so hard when everyone else gets away with doing everything half-assed (usually because I come along behind them and re-do it)? Because I want them to like me. Turns out, they do like me, but I'm still the first to go when the money runs out.
I'm become a very big believer recently in doing the bare minimum, and doing it as well and efficiently as I can. There's nothing wrong with doing the least amount of work necessary, as long as you're doing it well and completely. If there's time and energy left over after that great, but if not, you can set it aside, being proud of what you did have time to do.
Half of my problems come because I over-complicate things (at least, this is the hubz opinion, and I'm starting to grudgingly admit he's right). I'm a people-pleaser, so I want to go above and beyond and really wow and impress everyone, and in the end, everything suffers because I'm too exhausted and too infuriated from being taken advantage of to do anything fully.
The other thing I've realized? I'm spending all this time trying to impress people that I really don't particularly like. I gotta stop doing that :)
I'm currently planning our office Christmas party too, Ter. If it were possible, I'd plan them both and save you the trouble to worrying about it.
Otherwise, I sit in my office with the door closed and pretend like I have nothing to do but sit on the chaise lounge and take a few quiet seconds. Stick some headphones over your ears (regardless if it's playing music) take a couple of deep breaths and try to zone out for a second. It's nearly impossible to do it the first couple of times, but try to make a habit of it. Just for a few minutes. Izzy can deal for 5 minutes. She can entertain the cats. You're still a person regardless of all the titles you've acquired over the years (mom, breadwinner, house cleaner, bill payer..etc.). You get breaks at work (apparently this phenomenon happens, I've never had one but I hear they're nice) why not get a break when you get home as you transition from one job to another.
As for party vs GH: during daylight hours of M-F, it’s clearly all about the party; and when it’s night, you worry about your GH–and don’t obsess about the other when it’s not its allotted time. You can get them both done.
I've forgotten who said this but this is excellent advice. I've been working on all work stuff at work. Nothing goes home with me this month. (Who cares if there is a next years budget and an expense overview that needs to be done ASAP- and the Xmas party ever looming. Pfft. Work.) And when I get home, it's about writing. I give myself an hour of down time between work and writing. I get all the shit done I think needs to be done so that I have no reason to procrastinate and I write after that. My biggest problem is when Mattycakes comes home. I really need a lock on my office door.
Off Topic: Hellie, you do know this is Harry Potter Week on Nathan Bransford's blog, don't you? Reading "Five Writing Tips from Reading J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter" should make you feel better.
http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2010/11/five-writing-tips-from-reading-jk.html
Donna, darling, I was kidding. Don't run off! No problem poking around here. See? *pokes spare tire* Nothing to fear.
I'm sure I do this shit for the emotional payoff. In fact, just this morning I was bitching that my two "assistants" would get as much credit at the party as I will when they don't deserve. How petty am I?!?!
No, Janga, I didn't! I need to run off immediately!!! I just got my Amazon shipment a minute ago and nearly plowed down Dr. B to open the box. "Just what exactly is in your box? Am I allowed to see?" "Honestly, Dr. B, would I OPEN a box that contained something of that nature in front of you if it was?" "No, I guess not." "It's HARRY POTTER COOKBOOK! I'm so excited!!!!!" "Yes, I sensed that."
Then again, the man didn't know it was deer season on Saturday. *tsking* Has no sense of religious holidays at all.
OH. MY. GOD. He's got a PICTURE of SNAPE on the blog! *swoons* Best blog ever.
No, if the assistants who were bitching about attending meetings and didn't do jack shit to make the party happen got MY credit, I'd poison their Christmas punch. The harpies.
Oh, you asked if that was petty. I suppose it is. I don't deny I'm extremely petty.
No, if the assistants who were bitching about attending meetings and didn’t do jack shit to make the party happen got MY credit, I’d poison their Christmas punch. The harpies.
I'm with Hellie on this one. Petty or not, I don't care. It's uncool to take credit for something someone else did.
Scape - I really need to get back to list making. It always feels good to scratch things off. And we've talked about it before, but I'm hard headed. Not that anyone didn't know this already.
I do take time for myself now and then. Kiddo is not nearly as demanding as she used to be. You give her a full length mirror these days, and she's good for hours.
I got laid off once from a place where I was doing three jobs and overwhelmed and right before I was set to get a raise, they sent me packing. Then had the nerve to tell unemployment I'd quit. Who quits without notice and gets a large severance package?! Assholes.
Hal - I have never ever thought of myself as a people pleaser, but you're convincing me I've been missing it all this time. I mean, I do want people to like me, but I'm not willing to kiss ass to get that. Huh. And I can totally complicate anything according to my dad. In my opinion, I'm making things simpler. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Sin! This is a party for about 500 people. What say you take over, k? The invitations will be here tomorrow. They need to be out on Friday. Oh yeah, and we're not working Thursday. Good luck.
I am SO happy I no longer have to do budgets. Man, I hate doing budgets.
Write like the wind, doll! I'll send you a lock for Christmas. (A little late, but it's the thought that counts.)
I'd ask if you were joking about invites vs when they need to go out and the day off, but I know you can't make this crap up.
Nope, not kidding. LOL! Guess what I'll be doing tomorrow?
Wow, Janga, you know how to make Hellie's day. LOL! I'll add stopping by that blog to my to-do list.
Okay, I feel better about being peeved with sharing the credit. One of the assistants, who had the nerve to try to bitch me out yesterday, is playing all Miss Professional today and sending me these snapping emails and saying things like "I'll do it myself."
Yeah, sure you will. Harpie! (I'm liking that one.)
I'm still laughing you've never thought of yourself as a people pleaser. You are really clueless sometimes, Bambi.
I don't even like people and know I'm a people pleaser--and if I am, God knows YOU are.
I'll live with my illusions, you live with yours. LOL!
I think people need a recipe today:
Oreo Truffles
1 package (20 oz) of oreos, crushed
1 8 oz package of cream cheese (you can use "fat free" if you prefer)
White almond bark coating/white chocolate chips, melted
Mix crushed oreos and cream cheese together. Form into 1 inch balls and dip in the coating. Fridge until set.
I swear to God these are the yummiest things in the world!
I love the idea that a package of oreos would last long enough to make it into this recipe. It's like when I buy cake frosting with good intentions, but I still haven't baked a cake in years.
You should have brought this to your pot luck last week. Where did you find this recipe? I still need to try that brownie in a mug thing Marn sent us. That sounded awesome. For now, I'll have to settle for this Kit Kat.
OMG, I made these at Christmas last year, but I used regular chocolate chips melted and everyone raved. They seriously are the yummiest things in the world.
The Oreo Truffle recipe is good because when you mix the oreos with the cream cheese, it tastes like cake or something. Oreo cake.
I need to go buy the stuff to make these now....
Oh, and it works really well if you put the freshly dipped oreo balls onto waxed papered cookie sheet. Then you can just pull them off the waxed paper.
Dude, I didn't have time to make these for the potluck! It was either: Really awesome costume or Food...and the costume won.
Ha! Marn backed me up! You don't know what you're missing, Ter, these are BETTER than an oreo cookie.
Okay, I'm going to my cousin's for T-giving dinner and should take something. Or maybe a couple somethings. I'll take these!
You won't be sorry. I took them to a friends on Christmas eve and I literally gave out the recipe five times.
They are a little messy.... But totally worth it.
This is something kiddo can do, and now we have more space in the kitchen to work together. I'm going to try that delegating thing!
*yawn
Wow, what a productive morning you all have had. I slept in. But I really, really, really needed the sleep in. And I feel great!
Who mentioned a list? I always think a list is a good idea. The perfect way to know everything that needs to be done so you can look at it, despaire and then throw it away.
I never can find my lists after I make them. I think my 'be-kinder-to-yourself' twin is sneaking around and hiding them.
Wanting everyone to like oneself... Well...duh. The trick with that one is it never overt. It isn't like "I bought this for your desk because I knew you'd like it!" Nah, that's too blatant. Instead it's all about "I did the twelve bazillion items on the to-do agenda and I did them GREAT!"
Like me now?
It's all so sneaky. Oreo cookies lasting long enough to make a desert...maybe start with two packages!?
And now I must off to walk the dog, since I slept in we're way behind on that front!
Well, you said I'd see you when I saw you. LOL! Looks like the sleeping pill worked. How's the sinuses? Good to hear you're feeling better!
I keep finding old grocery lists in my purse, so I'm actually not good at throwing them away once I'm done with them.
I'm still not comfortable with the revelation I'm a people pleaser. Can you change that once you realize you're doing it? I need to lock myself in my office and try keeping my mouth shut.
Mmm, I think I'll make Oreo fluff tonight.
Also, if you start giving people the death stare they tend to leave you alone. I think most women by trait are inherent people pleasers. Has something to do with our inner nurturer. I'm trying to find ways to kill her.
I’m trying to find ways to kill her.
For some reason, this just cracked me up.
I don't know, Bo'sun. People pleasing in a survival trait. I mean, you want the other people in the lifeboat to like you. (As more than an appetiser.) That way, they don't choose to toss you overboard when rations run low.
At least you use it to your advantage. You impress the people who matter, not the twits like your slaved volunteers. Come raise time, it works for you! And if you look at it that way...You aren't so much driving to please people, you're striving for a bigger paycheck. Which you get by pleasing the right people!
I mean, Sin, with an ice pick might be able to keep from being thrown overboard, but eventually, she has to sleep... ;-)
Not a fan of jazz in Starbucks. But I don't have my itune stuff on this new laptop yet. Sigh.
Thank God the right meds saw me sleep thru the night... ;-)
Sin never sleeps.
And as Donna pointed out earlier, pleasing people got her laid off.
Well, you can't beat the idiot rational that it is best to lay off those you pay the most, even though they also do the most.
Sin must nap...
Though wouldn't that make a great title for a book "Sin Never Sleeps" - a nice deeply suspensful novel about a serial killer...with an ice pick.
You know I've been looking for a title for Kiki's first book... Hm.
And I sleep with one eye open.
Sin never sleeps.
That is an awesome book title. If one of you don't take it, I'm stealing it.
(Did I spell it right that time? *checks* I think I did.)
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