Thursday, October 21, 2010
Keeping a Balance
I’m gonna be upfront right away with this. I suffer from chronic depression. Now, it’s not a massive tragedy. It’s just part of my chemistry and how the course of my life sails. Please, no sympathy!
I was discussing this bit of information with two different friends a few months ago. Each of them had a very different reaction.
One implored me to fight this thing! To take whatever medication was out there to bring me out of bad days. She don’t believe in having bad days. Putting up with bad days or tolerating the bleak times. She’s a common sense woman, and time is not to be wasted on the lack of focus and drive a bad day brings.
Bad days. They happen.
Days when I seldom write. Days I can’t even imagine going anywhere with stories, characters. But I do find I can get things done. Good days to do research into blogs, play with images, or organize some around the house. Not a whole lot, when I’m in the midst of a bad day, little gets done. Maybe laundry. Or dishes.
But, these are just days. And I know enough about my own malady to see them as simply days. When I do write on bad days, I work on hard subjects. A character’s fear of intimacy. Like Ivy and her hopelessness at the loss of her daughter, her anger at the survival of her rapist… Or a husband’s betrayal for another character and how it drives her lack of trust. So many characters to torture!
On good days, I read sections I wrote and I can sense where I was that day. I make good use of my blue days.
Hey, I play to my strengths, whatever they are from day to day.
So, I love this friend who pleads with me to leave the bad days behind, but I know they are productive days. Just not always pleasantly productive. She worries about me and it’s difficult. Because days like this can also make me chatty about my woes. So, naturally, she wants to comfort me.
But I can use that also.
Good times to write of angry characters, ugly characters. I tend to vent a great deal on these days. I imagine nasty things happening to people I don’t like dealing with. I create wonderfully dire happenings, play with black humor and nasty ends.
I use my black days. I just work very hard at keeping them to simply days, and limit them. I find if I really dwell on the dark stuff, I eventually get bored with it. And lighter days dawn. I work on convincing my friend that these aren’t necessarily bad days, just dark days.
(Wait, I called them bad days earlier. Well, I could go back and replace, but use the word that works for you.)
My therapist is much more pragmatic. Her take on depression involves taking advantage of these days to nurture the soul. To acknowledge the special needs of that day. A good day to take it slow, to allow myself the luxury of some self-pity, some tears and being self-centered.
She counsels me to pay close attention to myself on these days. Therapists, gotta love ‘em!
My other friend sees it in similar ways as my therapist. We all have bad days and you just sail with them. The trick is to not let them use you as a club to beat at innocent bystanders. Or, let’s face, even the guilty. (Oh, how I’d love to let lose on some people in my life and totally ream them…but it wouldn’t do any good. Wouldn’t really make me feel any better in the long run and would just make more problems when it comes to mending bridges.)
So, blue days are about keeping the mouth shut, save for on paper. Fiction paper! Because blue days don’t last and trying to reach across a chasm you caused when feeling blue can just toss one back in the chasm all over again. (Great way to create conflict for a fictional character though…Hmmmm!)
It’s a real balancing act. Or not so much an act as a lifestyle. Staying aware of how mood affects the day to day stuff, including how characters develop and how they react. On a good day, a pivotal conversation might result in thoughtful decision making and studied actions. (Or something wonderfully clever and witty. From the best days, let’s face it.)
On a bad day, this same conversation may result in a blazing bitter argument and a mad dash straight into the lion’s mouth.
I’ve said it many times, writing is therapy. The trick is in using it to write good stuff. A bit like running with your strengths.
What do you find? Bad days see you slice and dice more than usual? Or does your heroine sob in a corner? Are you aware of how your overall chemical mood affects your writing? Or do you rise above it, ignore the clamor of anger, blues, upset? I mean, let’s be honest, we all deal with ups and downs as we write… What’s your story?
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49 comments:
Chance, I like your philosophy of dealing with your circumstances. I know medication is a good choice for a lot of people, but it's not the right choice for everyone.
Writers have a tricky time since we're constantly dealing with emotions--it's the largest part of our work--so we're always absorbing and reflecting and spending our lives with heightened feelings, particularly when we write about them.
It can wear a person down though. I think that's why writers are solitary people, to recuperate from all that. And there are other methods, some good and some not-so-good, that writers use to keep an even keel.
It may be why I choose to stick with lighter subjects, because I know I don't want to be embroiled in darker topics and emotions while I'm writing. I admire those that can, but this tender psyche can't handle it. :)
Wow, this is a pretty powerful subject.
I wrote my first MS the first year after my oldest was born. It was a light historical. There was a little suspense to it, but not much of anything. My heroine sort of bumbled through, seeing the humor in things.
My second MS, last year, not so much. I was having a really hard time conceiving and I miscarried. My story was dark, it was frustrated and angry. My heroine felt out of control and helpless.
This year, well, what I wrote in the beginning turned out not to work (thanks baby brain) and this past summer I haven't written much of anything thanks to a run in with baby blues and a dip into post-partum. This past month I've gotten some help, had some long talks with my support group, and now my brain's started working again. Not totally on top of my game, but I'm coming around.
Bottom line: I think that mood, what's going on in your RL, can really affect what you write about, your writing habits, and what you produce. I don't think we can help but be like that. Our stories come from inside us, from our experiences and our lives, in whatever way that manifests. It's what gives them potential to move our audience, I think.
Yes, I think your state of mind influences one's writing and what one writes about, or what their characters end up feeling at a certain time in the manuscript. It's just how it is, like your personality shines through your voice, your attitude and state of well-being is going to show through.
I don't know if it would be obvious to readers necessarily or even your CP, but I think it is something that a writer would notice when rereading something. *LOL* "Ah, yes, I had an argument with my friend that day, this argument is pretty similar, I wanted to say this to her."
True, Donna...and I find when I'm focusing on the lighter side of stories, it's harder for the dark days to settle in.
Dark days are a bit like inner critics, show weakness and they squat. But they also don't like to be treated with kindness, so that can drive them away...
I never thought a whole lot about how writers are hip deep in emotions...food for thought here!
Marn - I'm sure we can't help but end up doing a bit of transcription. What we are is what we write! I have never been pregnant but considering the wonders of fluctuation hormones at this time in my life, I can't imagine the chemical ride pregnancy must bring!
Though with menapause, one is expected to be blue. When pregnant, I imagine one is expected to be glowing and radiantly happy! How, distressing!
I do like to read older things and contemplate where I was and what might have been going on... I'd like to think the emotional whirlwind helps me to paint certain subjects with a stronger hand...
That's me! Being optimistic!
Hellion - Sometimes, it's a great help. All those ripe and vomitous things one wishes to throw at people instead is fuel for the writing fire.
Considering if I threw them at the people I'm dealing with I'd soon be estranged from all around me!
And I'm a slow reactor, so all those great come backs and arguments and brilliant analysis that never was voiced in person...? It ends up on a page or twelve. Very cathardic.
Chance, carry on. I know when circumstances turn to crap, it's very hard for me to write. I'm pretty even-keeled though, and know something positive is just around the corner. Or the corner after that. After my husband got sick this spring, I wondered if I could meet my deadline. I knew he was getting better when I started to write again.
Maggie, I like that idea! Use the 'when the writing is easier' as an indicator of things looking up. I'm wondering if I could twist that to ...'when the writing is going well, things will turn around'... 'Write to a better day...hmmmm!'
I'm all about the laws of magnetic attraction!
Hope the husband is all better!
This is a very interesting topic, Chance. I don't know much about depression since I'm pretty even-keeled like Maggie. But I think I understand it more now than I used to.
I do find it hard to write the upbeat, funny stuff if my brain is in a darker state. However, it's not too hard to write the dark, angsty stuff even when I'm not feeling that way. In fact, I think if I am down, the dark, black moment stuff doesn't work as well. I just need a clear head no matter what I'm writing.
Which is probably why I haven't been writing for weeks now. The brain is dealing with too many other things to focus right now. But soon!
Aye, Bo'sun, when the brain be full of the bazillion details of buying a house, little else gets done! ;-)
I keep losing my mind to a myriad of other distractions.
I think depression, like so many things in life, is easier when you understand and acknowledge it. Like when it's raining...you understand and acknowledge and you dress appropriate, remember the umbrella, put on the big boots...
It's only really difficult if you try to face it with a sundress and straw hat.
Denial won't make the rain go away!
I agree with Marnee, Chance--a powerful subject addressed powerfully in your post.
I have a family member and a close friend who are bipolar--a different visitor but some of the same concerns. I tend to respond like your first friend. I just want to see their darkness end.
I never thought about using the dark days while immersed in them, but that's a good strategy for any writer. The likelihood of having at least a few episodes of clinical depression is high for all of us creative types--ten times the rate in the general population, and it's pretty high even there.
Janga - Don't you think, in all honestly, that most horror authors are clinically depressed? And if they aren't to begin with, it sneaks in, reacting to the darkness of what they write?
I hadn't heard of statistics that speak on odds of depression...wow, that's depressing! ;-)
I've had family with mental health issues such as bi-polar, manic depressive...and come to think of it, the have been very creative people!
I wonder where addiction fits into the writer's challenges... Other than chocolate.
You know, I never think of myself as the creative type so maybe that's why my brain doesn't lean toward the depression thing. I have a friend who suffers from mild depression and when I went through a really tough situation about five or six years ago, she didn't understand how I didn't end up in a ball in some dark corner falling to pieces.
It just never occurred to me to do that. I think my brain is too practical. If I tried to curl up and ignore stuff, my brain would say, "Get off your sorry ass and go load the dishwasher." Actually, my brain talks more like Annie, it would say, "The sun is going to come out whether you sit here or not so you might as well get up and keep moving."
Bo'sun! I wish my brain would consider the options. Instead I get a litany of 'why bothers' that sing in harmony, minor chords. But then again, I never really go the route of get off your sorry ass and go load the dishwahswer. Even in the best of times! ;-)
I just think your practical brain listened to all the years of being told how the creative mind is a self-destructive thing and said, balderdash! And believed it...much healthier of you!
And it doesn't mean you don't have a creative mind! Just means you channel the excess into positive paths, not negative.
Or, since I don't like the idea of negative, into less direct paths...
2nd, that dressing appropriate for the weather you're facing is a good strategy. *LOL* Makes me think of that joke about the guy who is sitting on the roof of his house--there is a huge flood. A boat comes by to rescue him, but he turns him away: No, no, God will save me. A bigger boat comes by, and the guy turns the boat away with the same reason. Finally a helicopter comes to lift the guy out of there, but the guy turns it away. The guy drowns. In Heaven, he asks God why didn't you save me? I believed in you. I knew you'd come for me, but I died! And God says, "I sent 2 boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"
I know medicine is frowned upon, that we should save ourselves, or that our therapists should have some miracle breakthrough and we should suddenly start thinking like the most positive person in the world, but some of us are JUST NOT THAT WAY. Period.
“Get off your sorry ass and go load the dishwasher.”
Yes, but even when I'm at my lowest, I'll do that. I mean, I have to do my day-to-day shit, pay bills, go to work, clean stuff...but that doesn't mean I'm not still...low. It's more that I don't want to do other stuff, stuff that nurtures me (because loading a dishwasher doesn't cut that): writing, being with friends, reading. There are times that are you so low that you don't want to do any of those things.
I do think I'm creative but in less obvious ways. I can create a killer, functional yet fun spreadsheet like you wouldn't believe. You have a logistical problem? I'm your girl. I'll find a creative way around. :)
Hee, hee...I've heard the drowning guy joke before. So true of some people!
I've gone the medicine route and when things have been really beyond beyond, it worked. I like to think that my awareness of where and I and what I'm dealing with helps me move without that help. But it takes building that toolkit to make it work.
Enough therapy saw me able to keep my tool kit stocked and handy!
Hell, there is no cure for chronic depression, just a distraction! Happy pills are find and good and better than suicidal thoughts, but I like seeing the world more directly...
Hellion - But when depression is really debilitating, it's those basic tasks that suffer. So to actually do them is a step in the right direction.
I loved my therapist, she told me to walk 30 minutes every day and quit focusing on all the mundane stuff I was letting slide.
So, it's her fault I live in clutter hell? ;-)
Hmmmmm...spreadsheets... Next time I think of something that a spreadsheet would seem a good thing for...I'm calling the Bo'sun!
Crerativity has many channels, Ter. I've heard tell that even math is creative, although just the word is enough to strike terror to my heart and paralyze my brain.
Chance, I think you're right about the horror writers. On the other hand, I read an article a while back that said some study supported the idea that people who wrote happy endings were more positive and upbeat than others. In both cases though, I have to wonder about the chicken and the egg.
Janga - I can understand the concept of purge...maybe horror authors purge themselves by what they write. It it's on the page, it isn't inside them...
The flip side with the HEA...if you write it, it will come? Sort of like a self-fulfilled prophecy?
Sorry, didn't mean to imply the only depression is the not do a thing kind. Not at all. And I didn't think of it that way, the moving but not getting anything out of the moving.
Well, Bo'sun, I think when I was in my worst state, that is when the clutter built, the yard gew to out of control... I quit doing much of anything. It's a real symptom and the getting off the couch and 'doing' is a step in the right direction.
My Mom doesn't allow herself the time to be depressed, she was always busy with the house and kids. Now that she is physically limited in what she can do, depression creeps around her...
The 'doing' aspect is an important tool!
This is a fascinating topic today. I've had major problems with depression in the past, but have been able, over the past few years with therapy and medication, to become more even-keeled. Let me tell you, though, between the preggo hormones and needing to all the way off the meds for the 3rd trimester, I'm quickly approaching the "ball-in-the-corner" phase. Yikes.
I like the idea of using it for writing, though, and I've found that helpful for me. If I'm a mess, I can tap into those emotions for darker scenes. I can't write the happy ending scenes, but I can save those for later when I'm "up."
If I can throw in a comment on the horror writers though....I think this is one of those things that annoys us when other writers do it to the romance genre. After taking classes on reading/writing horror in school, and working with quite a few well-published horror writers, I've found the opposite to be true. Not only is there the catharsis of getting the dark emotions out, but just like in romance, there's a level of justice in horror novels. Often, the worse the person, the more horrific the things that happen to them. Just like the hero in romance gets his happy ending, the villain/monster/psycho in horror gets his horrific end, and justice prevails. There's also a huge theme of the triumph of the human spirit, even in the face of the most terrifying odds.
So just like romance writers can write angst and still write a happy ending, I think horror writers can write the dark stuff, without it meaning that their a dark, depressed person.
Hal - I hope that was what I meant when I said they purge it. They keep it outside of themselves, which probably makes for an easier state of mind!
It's like two sides of a coin...and both are equally imprssive tools, that deal with the same thing.
And I do prefer my horror to include justice. Just like I prefer my mysteries to end up solved!
In reg. to the writing oneself out of the emotional mess, or making use of it...hear, hear!
And sometimes, just sometimes, I'm in favor of the ball in the corner. As long as that corner doesn't become a permanent residence!
Oooo! A sliver of blue sky, must pack up computer and get dog out while the rain is letting some sky through! Be back soon!
There's a Lisa Klyepas novel where a character says, "Some days, the only thing standing between me and insanity was a book."
I feel that way sometimes. Curling up in a corner with a good book can make all the difference in the world.
I think horror writers can write the dark stuff, without it meaning that their a dark, depressed person.
This is true. I mean, not all romance writers are upbeat HEA people anyway. Lots of them don't have their own HEA, but they write them anyway. The reverse would be true for horror writers.
But I do think there is something in their brains, chemistry, that makes them disposed to writing that sort of thing in detail. Justice, yes, but to write gore and death--I think that takes a certain mind. I could never do it. I would absorb too much of it and couldn't separate myself from it eventually.
I think we all have a dark side. Some of us choose to whistle as we go through it and concentrate on the happy, look for the positive and know all will be well. Ignore the dark aspects until they go away again. Perfectly valid--doesn't mean that there is no boogie man though just because you choose not to look for it.
Then you got the other kind, you embrace the dark side, in the sort of sense that if you embrace it, make sense of it, it can't take you by surprise and swallow you. You're prepared for reality rather than living in denial.
And I'm sure there are other kinds of people who do a combo of both and whatnot. And some aliens too. Whatever.
Anyway, my point: I think horror writers tend to be the embracing sort. I like to whistle more.
Hal - Books have saved my sanity many a time! Which is why I can trace one particular descent into depression with the worsening of my eyes. I wasn't reading and didn't make the connection fast enough that it was my eyes... New glasses? And viola! I hauled myself out of that one!
Hel...there is whistling at the dark and there is shouting out challenges to it! Some wrap themselves in it and hide...
There's a lyric from the Indigo Girls "I wrapped my fear around me like a blanket. I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it..."
Seems to speak to one way of dealing...for a while. Because lets face it, the darkness is always full of fear.
darkness is always full of fear
Dementors.
J.K. Rowling talked about her depression and how the concept of dementors came out of that dark time.
Hal, I didn't mean to slam horror writers. It's not a genre I read, and I don't think I know any personally. And I suspect no writer's motives for producing a particular kind of text are as simplistic as my glibness made it souns. Sorry!
Depression seems to be common among poets too. My students used to ask if all poets killed themselves because so many we studied did--Berryman. Plath, Sexton. I even used lines that referenced the tendency in a poem once: "I am weary of poets who slash their wrists / and bleed in patterns on the page."
Nathan Branford wrote an interesting blog yesterday, citing JK... You ought to check it out.
http://blog.nathanbransford.com/
Yeah, not a lot of joy based poetry out there! Mary Oliver, Walt Whitman...they come quick to the mind. The other stereotype is the drinking or drug addicted writer. Poe, Hemingway... I mean, really! We can do this by ourselves!
Yes, if we're not drinking or taking drugs, we're committing suicide. I think creative types tend to be like genius types: SENSITIVE, prone to sullens, and darker.
I don't know if some of these people tend to take up these traits because it's expected of creative types, or if the problems were there first and the creativity is a way of shining light out of so much darkness.
I know there are creative types that don't have these particular quirks, but it does seem to be the more thought provoking people of our profession tended to be either alcoholics or suffer suicidal tendencies.
I've always wondered if some of these darker tendencies come from taking everything too seriously.
Well, either taking things too seriously or just thinking deeply about the human condition. Which says a lot about people, because the human condition, for all it's harsh aspects, is balanced by some mighty fine stuff!
We are just fixated on the darker side of things. I sure don't get it!
But then again, I'm the one who has this malady. And I am responsible for it, and in some strange fashion it is a gift that enables me to truly appreciate the beautiful stuff. Because I know the contrast so well.
There is also the theory that some people are born to suffer for the world. Not the martyre thing, but as witnesses... It's not an aspect of things I like to consider too deeply. But it's a bit like the weeping women at Irish funerals. Professional mourners. Setting the rest of the attendees free to remember the sorrow, but have it separate from them...
Interesting things to consider!
We are just fixated on the darker side of things. I sure don’t get it!
Evolution. We're predispositioned to think "negatively" as a defense mechanism. If we're all uber-optimistic about jumping off cliffs or playing with snakes, our breed would have died out long ago.
Hmmm! Interesting way to look at it. I hadn't considered that...but makes sense.
Yet, somehow, if we are different than other animals, we have to be able to see beyond the defense stuff. I mean, I've seen otters playing in the snow, dolphins surfing a wave, even rabbits - the most fearful of creatures out there - stretched out enjoying the sun.
If they can leave behind the fear of being eaten, beached, bit and chewed up...why can't we?
We can, Chance. That's where pop music came from.
:)
If they can leave behind the fear of being eaten, beached, bit and chewed up…why can’t we?
Because animals, supposedly, have no idea they will die one day. We do.
Yes, Hellion, but by the same token we are aware of how much beauty and joy surround us. We focus too much on the "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE SOMEDAY!!!" stuff.
I mean, a bunny is scared of it's own shadow! Mice cower under every leaf for fear of the hawks and owls...
Honestly, I've been there. Spent way too long focused on my heart and how close I came to dying, how close it is to me every moment of every day. It's exhausting to live that way. As a species, it's exhausting!
No wonder we need chocolate!
Bo'sun - pop music!? Oh, god... I have this flashback of me driving home from Mom's on Wednesday, listening to my John Denver CD...
“Poems, Prayers and Promises”
I've been lately thinking
About my life's time
All the things I've done
And how it's been
And I can't help believing
In my own mind
I know I'm gonna hate to see it end
I've seen a lot of sunshine
Slept out in the rain
Spent a night or two all on my own
I've known my lady's pleasures
Had myself some friends
And spent a night or two in my own home
And I have to say it now
It's been a good life all in all
It's really fine
To have a chance to hang around
And lie there by the fire
And watch the evening tire
While all my friends and my old lady
Sit and pass the pipe around
And talk of poems and prayers and promises
And things that we believe in
How sweet it is to love someone
How right it is to care
How long it's been since yesterday
And what about tomorrow
And what about our dreams
And all the memories we share
The days they pass so quickly now
Nights are seldom long
And time around me whispers when it's cold
The changes somehow frighten me
Still I have to smile
It turns me on to think of growing old
For though my life's been good to me
There's still so much to do
So many things my mind has never known
I'd like to raise a family
I'd like to sail away
And dance across the mountains on the moon
I have to say it now
It's been a good life all in all
It's really fine
To have the chance to hang around
And lie there by the fire
And watch the evening tire
While all my friends and my old lady
Sit and watch the sun go down
And talk of poems and prayers and promises
And things that we believe in
How sweet it is to love someone
How right it is to care
How long it's been since yesterday
What about tomorrow
What about our dreams
And all the memories we share
Yup, old John made me cry coming home from Mom's...
You just asked why and I told you why. Just because something is done doesn't mean it SHOULD be done. We shouldn't dwell on the fact we're going to die someday, but we do. We shouldn't focus on the bad stuff in the world when there is so much beauty, but a lot of the time, we do.
As Deerhunter would say, "Look, it is what it is."
You're not going to change everyone. You can only change yourself.
Did she just refer to John Denver as pop music?
Hellie is right, it is what it is. (I love that saying, such a catch all.) Life might be better if we didn't give in to our human tendencies on a lot of levels, but it's going to happen. We are human after all.
True. I can change myself. And maybe, by some miracle, I can set an example that others can see and know that there are others ways to view the world. Other ways to get through each day other than the 'didn't die today' being good enough.
Speaking of shoulds...you should read Donna's blog today!
Isn't John pop music? Well, he was for his time... I think...
It is what it is...and I'm the one to know that and still do a Don Quixote.
Now, I'm off to the movies, crew. Will report on how good Red is when I return!
Isn’t John pop music?
Uhm, no.
No, I wouldn't say John Denver is pop. *LOL* Any more than I would say John Tesh is pop music.
Well, in my day he was more pop than rock. Not quite country, not quite folk...
What the hell! I liked him!
And RED was awesome!
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