Thursday, August 5, 2010
Imposter-itis
- “Having an evil twin ain’t all bad. I have someone to blame everything on!” Dead Reckoning blew the flaming Twinkie out. The rum soaked treat cast an eerie flicker against the railing before going out with a puff of smoke. She took a messy bite, trying to catch the cream as it dribbled down her shirt.
Chance shivered, trying to block the conversation out as she hunched over the bowl of mini chocolate chips, painstakingly stuffing them one by one into the creamy white filling of a huge stack of waiting snack cakes.
- Bo’sun reached over and stabbed at the melted remains on Reckoning’s plate, getting a bite for herself. “It was all Scapegoat’s fault, anyway. Handy having her share the room. I like having someone to blame everything on!”
- “Hey! I brought the rum!” Scape’s brow wrinkled perfectly. “I knew I should have…”
- Chance looked up to glare at the blond. “Shut it or I’ll sic Stitch on you. Soon as he’s finished chasing the monkey.” The bartender groaned as she straightened her back, glancing at the Double Stuffed Twinkie pyramid; three feet high, glistening with sugar and sitting in a puddle of rum. “Quit eating them, I want to do this right!”
Sin reached out of the shadows, her black clad arm appearing as if unattached to a body. “Hey! Twinkies!”
Just then Chance threw the lit match on the stack. Sin jerked away as the whoosh of flame rose into the night…
Chance began her chant, “I am not an imposter… I am not an imposter… I am not…”
A delighted shriek filled the air as a blue streak flew from the yardarm. “TWINKIES!”
The white fluff, caramelized cake and melted chocolate flew into the air to rain down on the five pirates. Sin rushed to the water barrel and began to douse the bits of flame scattered on the deck, muttering about upsetting the captain.
- “This is my fault,” Scapegoat moaned.
The Bo’sun calmly picked a large piece of pastry out of Reckoning’s shoulder and popped it into her mouth. Reckoning did the same to the Bo’sun.
- Chance looked at the blue alien, stuffing remains of the ritualistic bonfire into his mouth and sighed. “Guess I need to actually rationally figure this out…”
The Nationals. I had a great time. I met with my agent. Stuck my foot in my mouth with my won-on-FB mentor, insulted Jennifer Ashley when I tried to compliment her… Drank too much (or not enough, I’m not sure), missed hearing Nora speak… Dressed up like a fixer of air ships at a party where no one knew me. (I lurk on the FF&P boards, but am invisible.)
Great time! Felt wonderful!
Until Saturday night. At the RITAS. Well, after the RITAS.
OK, confession time. I do not see myself ever winning a RITA. Ever. I don’t dream of it. Don’t really…well…want one. (I wouldn’t mind a Prism Award… I could see me with one a’ those!)
Am I fooling myself and secretly lust for a RITA? I don’t think so… I wouldn’t turn one down, I just doubt that anything I write will ever fit into this possibility. So, why envision that. I’d rather envision other thing…like me on the cover of Pirate Magazine… (You check out the copy I left with you yet, Bo’sun?)
Nice ceremony, fair dinner, fabulous desert. (Really fabulous desert. Wow, that desert. I mean…oh, sorry…) Of the 93 nominated books, I’d read three of them. All the cheering, clapping, whoo-hooing…I felt a clamor starting in my head, what was I doing here?
I remember feeling this way last year in DC. An acute attack of imposter-itis. This time, it got worse, culminating back in the room while Scape and the Bo’sun changed from nice dresses to last-night-bar comfies… I broke down in tears.
Tried not to! Lost that fight.
Sigh.
Tried to explain to my roomies how out of place and awkward I felt during and after the RITAS. Bo’sun chatted up her editor friend; Scape her editor friend. (Both have my book in their in-boxes…leaving me as the deer-in-headlight struck super boob. What to say that wouldn’t sound like pleading…)
In reaction to my tears and words, Scape spouts off, “All my fault, I should have…” I smacked her on the back of the head. (When I nicknamed her Scapegoat I had no idea how appropriate this name was! I was just trying to poke at how pretty and nice she was…you know how it is, I was poking at her…)
“This isn’t about you, twit, it’s about me. And the haunting presence of the lurking imposter.”
“You have an agent…why do you feel like you don’t belong here?” Bo’sun, queen of the obvious and practical, states.
Did I claim to understand or view my outburst as rational?
(I washed my face, took a pill and enjoyed the rest of the evening…don’t worry.)
Nope, just my insecurities rising from four days of non-stop ‘doing’…the specter of PMS, distance from home and excessive heat/humidity. (Like my excuses? Wish they’d worked.) I actually am a confident writer. I love my stories. This isn’t about the writing skills. If anything, it’s about the sense of crashing a party I though was open to everyone…and feeling like a blue skinned alien at a Regency cotillion. (Though Stitch would probably take it all in stride. He’s my new role model.) (Imagine him dressed as a duke…he was nice as Elvis…)
Perhaps a confidence anxiety attack? PTSD stemming from an adolescent event I don’t remember when I was made to feel as outside an outsider can be?
I honestly don’t know!
There is the lurking sense that this is all some cosmic joke and I am a total imposter…on the verge of having the rug ripped from beneath my feet…
Absolutly, frickin’ terrifying place to be…
Hence, the sacrifice of many Double Stuffed Flaming Twinkies to hold back the dark…
Luckily, Stitch is visiting and saw through the whole thing…
Sigh. It couldn’t be that easy…
I may keep him around for awhile…
Anyone else know this masked shadow at your back? Any advice? Rituals? Banishing spells?
Anyone want to take best on who is gonna win – The Undead Monkey or Stitch? ;-)
(I insist on some fun for Friday, despite my angst attack!)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Books by the Crew
143 comments:
Chance luv, I think I do know that awful 'outsider' feeling!
Like when you arrive late for a party, you don't know the people and everyone is huddled in groups discussing. Its difficult to break into the circles without seeming boorish.
Fortunately I've always had a sensitive host to help ease me into the discussions and minimize the pain.
Course in your case it was all Sabrina's fault. With such a beautiful name and blond to boot, how could you not feel out of it!
OK I can see that I'm not helping here. Let me start again.
I think you really need an adoring fan to accompany you. Someone you can chat to and feel comfortable with at any moment. Isn't it time hubby took more interest in supporting your writing trips?
You could explain everything to him, what's going on and who everyone is. Introduce him to your agent, the source of the future money supply, and he would gradually come to love it. Yep, the solution is obvious!
What on earth did you say to Jennifer Ashley by the way?!
I don't think I have read any of the nominated books, and I certainly don't feel guilty or ignorant!
Chance, your books are wonderful. You tower above the masses in my eyes. Stop worrying and concentrate on the important stuff .... YOUR writing.
A genius has to suffer for her art on occasion. *smile*
Oh, I wish we'd connected sooner---we could be twins. Even with 2 books to sign and 6 in the hopper, I wondered what the hell I was doing there. I hope I get better in NYC. I found the publisher parties particularly precarious. Please pass those pills!
I'm thrilled I got to be part of the Flaming Twinkie ceremony--although this was the first I'd heard of it. Very spectacular, by the way. :)
I can understand the imposter-itis feeling. I've gone through it with just about every new endeavor (and there have been many in my life). It make it tougher when it seems like everybody else has a handle on it but I've come to believe they are better at "fake it til you make it". :)
I also think the environment you were in is tough because, even though it's a very supportive one, underneath it IS very competitive--although that is left unsaid. :)
AND as writers, we are just to digging deep into a lot of emotional states, so it makes sense that we FEEL things very intensely. It is inconvenient when we're NOT writing though.
Each step we take gets us closer to our goal. But the goal seems to take a step backwards. LOL How can we not feel like you described?
AND as writers, we are USED to digging deep into a lot of emotional states, so it makes sense that we FEEL things very intensely. It is inconvenient when we’re NOT writing though.
Great, I get to do revisions on my COMMENTS. LOL
I've felt the symptoms of Impostor-itis plenty of times and Maggie's word 'precarious' decribes the feeling perfectly. I think the only advice I have is to go into these events and experiences with a certain 'take it or leave it' expectation. Go in prepared. Make a list actually, and make it a top heavy list of many small, specific things you personally want to take away and only one or two big things you expect to leave (like winning the RITA that year if you're not nominated - - this time). Ask, why am I here?, certainly, but then look at the answers on your list for reassurance of your reasons. :)
Oh, I made that up as I went along, but it sounds good, right? LOL
AND as writers, we are USED to digging deep into a lot of emotional states, so it makes sense that we FEEL things very intensely. It is inconvenient when we’re NOT writing though.
Donna's revised comment is worth repeating. LOL
Inconvenient, but potentially useful. This is the hard way to get the emotional writing, but give those feelings to a character and you've accomplished a lot of angst readers will relate to. :)
I feel like an imposter because I haven't "published"--as if you're not really a real writer until you've been published. And not just published, but published by something large, like Women's World or St. Martin's. Anytime I'm at a conference, I feel like there is a dividing line between me and the real writers (the published ones), like there is a dividing line between the ton and the great unwashed. Deep down, I know I'll never be part of the ton--at best, I'd only be a mushroom, someone with money who managed to get in on the fringes, but part of me dreams of being the Beau Brummell of the fringes so I can at least do it in style. (Even if I'll die broke.)
But this imposteritis--I have it, I always have, no matter what I was doing (working out in P.E., hanging out at work, going to college, et al), I've always felt like an outsider--but logically I know that's all in my head. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. You're either allowing someone to treat you badly; or you think you don't deserve to be where you are (or you're better than where you are). I don't think a ritual is going to cut it. Therapy might or some Xanex.
Stitch will win. Stitch is cuter and has better dance moves--he can hula.
Thanks for repeating me, Melissa. :) Although I'm using WAY too many caps today. LOL (I want to edit everything it seems. Guess I know what I will be working on!)
And I like your suggestion of the "reassurance list". It helps to narrow down what it is we're looking for ahead of time.
I also just realized that every time we try something new we are going to feel like imposters. Because we don't have any experience at it--the problem is it always SEEMS like everyone else is accomplished at what we're trying for the first time. It's not true, but we convince ourselves of that.
*steps away from the microphone to give someone else a chance to speak*
LOL
Q - It was sorta funny... Jennifer had done a panel on professional jealousy and I'd found it very interesting. She included something about how hard it was when a new fan told her they were rushing out to buy all of the backlist...and part of her cringed because she knew the 'mistakes' in the older books.
Well, I saw her at the signing and told her I found her 'mistakes' really encouraging. Not that they were huge or anything...but they meant that you could make mistakes and still... No, wait, I mean... Sigh.
The look on her face as I stumbled with great creativity to insert my foot into my mouth!
And I do hope hubby can come eventually, but I doubt anything could have made a difference at the RITAS. I was great the whole time...until then! Something about a room full of people who I just know are on top of everything!
Of course, they aren't, just my insecurities rising. And Sabrina was hilarious...
Maggie - You're supposed to have words of encouragement! ;-)
So, it gets worse, not better!? Oh, well. I guess I'd better just chalk it up to how everyone feels and know I'm not the only one...
What goes on at these parties anyway??? Arcane rituals? Secret handshakes? Better deserts? Though that would be hard to beat with that RITA dinner one...
For the record, I do not eat off a people and I'm hoping Donna would not eat off of me. LOL! That's just wrong. Even if we are pirates who bathe.
I can honestly say Chance freaked me out. Well, her freak out freaked me out. And poor Scape looked beside herself worried. In fact, in the bar, when the pill had kicked in and everything was fine, Scape kept asking me where you were and if you were okay. I had to reassure her twice you were just visiting with friends in the lobby. LOL!
If reading the books up for the awards is required, then I didn't belong either. I think I'd read one, maybe two. But I'm familiar with most of the names so I can appreciate and root for some. I don't figure I'll ever be up for a RITA. It would be cool and making the speech would be awesome (I do love microphones!) but readers don't care a fig about RITAs, or even know about them. Readers are what really matter.
It was a long week. We nearly melted to kick it off, then you were put in tough situations. That editor was my friend before she was an editor, but to you, she was a link to possible publication. I get that. And I'd have been in the same boat if the roles were reversed.
On the shuttle to the airport, Brenda Novak sat in front of me. She knew all the other writers on that shuttle and I sat there staring out the window. They didn't make me feel like an outsider, but it was still awkward to be the odd one out. The unpubbed without connections listening to their fun stories that I knew nothing about.
Good thing I was too tired to be all that bothered about it. LOL! But if that had been the shuttle from the airport to the hotel on day one, I would have been much worse off.
Donna - Funny, I inserted the missing word when I read!
Perhaps this is why the RITAS seem to bring out the discomfort in me...because this is where it all really does boil down to competition. The rest of the time it really just simmers with support and encouragement.
Not that support and encouragement aren't there with the books. But some books get more applause, some get cheers, some get nothing... And as I've said, I've read almost none of them! (I think they ought to hold the applause until an entire category is finished...but I'm a granola eating hippie chick who worries about those garnering no applause and how they are feeling...)
And you're welcome, now don't forget to wash the caramelized cream out of your hair...
Anyone seen Stitch about yet? Probably sleeping off the sugar coma...
Ah, my CAPTCHA Code is Peyz! Isn't that cute!
Re: The desserts. The RITA dinner one was good. But after getting a hair - a short, curly hair - in my dessert earlier in the week, you can imagine my reluctance to try another one. LOL!
I shouldn't laugh at the Jennifer Hoof-and-Mouth Disease convo, but it is kinda funny. A compliment that isn't quite a compliment (even if it is meant sincerely.)
You'll go to more of these and get old hat. I bet Nora Roberts feels insecure every once in a while, esp with as often as some writers' college degrees are emphasized. You don't NEED a degree to write a novel; you don't NEED a degree to write a great novel even--but it seems more and more we like the emphasize the degrees from Harvard, Yale, and other Ivy leagues that some writers have because it seems to put a coat of legitimate sheen on the romance industry. Look! These aren't written by uneducated desperate housewives, they're written by IVY LEAGUE scholars! That has to annoy Nora, who's written so many books, who's a Hall of Famer, at least somewhat.
Don't worry about feeling insecure. I'm pretty sure RWA, as confident as they are and feel, still feels insecure.
Melissa - I probably write good imposter-itis, come to think of it.
And I like the idea of a list for the next event. I always go with a list of panels to attend and then end up blowing off more than half of them. I did enjoy the Boomers in Love panel!
A list of what I want to get out of it and checking in with it periodically sounds like a ... well, sounds like a sound plan!
And I sorta wish they'd hold the RITAS earlier in the conference. Last night? We're tired, well, I was tired...a bit stressed about flights the next day, packing...
Hellie - Yeah, done the therapy stuff and so I am able to identify what it is and even why it is happening, generally. And I know the Bo'sun would kill me, but I wonder if I should just skip the RITAS next year...
But the desert!? Oh, I'd miss that!
I just hate going out on a downer note, though the evening did go well afterward...
I'd say 95% of the time, I'm aware of my tendency to feel like an outsider and I bank on it. It's part of what makes me, me. I can consider being the total star of the show at a smaller venue, but the RITAS?
*shiver
I'd have to wear a real sparkly dress...
No, it wasn't that way...but that is an easy thing to pick on... Absolutely no one said anything to me to feed this episode. No one looked funny at me, I didn't overhear something to leave me feeling ugly and unfit.
I didn't even feel those things. Just an odd sense of isolation in a room full of thousands of people...very strange.
Donna - That seems is a big part of it. I must remember that everyone likely feels part of...or not a part of...things when they begin them.
I'm with the Bo'sun on the RITAs. I've only read about 3 of the books. It's sorta like the Oscars. All the movies *I* like aren't Oscar-worthy, or they're not nominated...and if I made a movie, judging by what I like, I'd never get nominated for one. I figure the same holds true for the RITAs. The chances are slim-to-none, but thankfully there is more to the RWA conference than the RITAs. You guys loved everything else. This should definitely not be the thing that colors the experience most. You're an optimist!
I think you're still hungover from the trip. Have some rum. Hair of the dog and all that.
If you don't stop speaking for me, I'm going to come over there and smack YOU in the back of the head. The RITAs are fun, but you want to skip them, then you skip them. It's all a lark, a reason to get dressed up. The world ain't changing because some authors I don't read and don't know win a pretty statue. It's cool, but the books I adored last year weren't even nominated. So I don't take these things too seriously.
Bo'sun - Poor Scape! Couldn't relax in the bar? I actually think she'd read over 80% of the nominated books, but she does review books for her sight, so I can see it.
I'm glad I didn't have an all out anxiety attack, just a bit of a sobfest. I should give out warnings that I'm a ticking bomb sometimes. I'm afraid I caught both of you quite by surprise.
"She seemed fine!"
And Reckoning's shirt was very clean! She'd just changed into a bright sparkly one for the ritual...
I did have a great time and a huge part of that was sharing the room with you and Scape.
Bo'sun, I had an experience like the airport shuttle one you described -- when I went to my first conference (RT) a million years ago, and I was by myself, didn't know ANYONE. When I got to the hotel I got lunch and there were all these published authors yakking at another table, and being so blase and world-weary. LOL
I definitely felt out of place and almost went back to my room and packed my bags! There was a welcoming cocktail party that evening and I was just going to go for 5 minutes and then go back to my room. Fortunately another unpubbed woman saw me and said, "Are you new too?" and we became fast friends. A couple others joined us and we all stuck together the entire time, and had a great time.
Yikes. I hadn't thought about that for a long while. LOL
Hellie - I was so wiped by the end! I do not know how people stay sparkly for the last night! At RT, the last night is casual-all-the-pretties-are-packed night. Just sit around and listen to music, dance if you want to...
See!? I needed to hear that I'm not the only one who hasn't read most of what ends up nominated. I wonder if I went to the Edgar Awards, for mysteries, if I'd know more!
And I was trying to figure it out...the RITAS, I assume, are all books that were released in 2009, from Jan to Dec, right? So we've all had over six months to read other things and have the books on the RITA list drop out of our brains, right?
I mean, I do know author names...I did spend 25 years in a bookstore... And I had read the one that won the last RITA...
And Reckoning’s shirt was very clean! She’d just changed into a bright sparkly one for the ritual…
Another reason you don't want to eat food off my shirt -- there could be SEQUINS in it! LOL
(The Hotties can do it because they're TRAINED professionals. LOL)
*hangs head
Sorry, didn't mean to speak for you. Maybe next year I'll sneak out after the desert...find somewhere quiet to just decompress...
Finding others to hang with that aren't speaking in the code of published authors is helpful! Not that the pubbed authors I met weren't totally coherent, but it does seem like another realm away...
I didn't mean sparkly as in sequins! Just sparkly like in very, very clean!
*looks around the ship
The hotties have done a very good job of cleaning up the stickiness... But as you say, they are trained to do that!
I do think exhaustion played a big roll in this. And Chance is a worrier, she was bubbling with stress over making her plane the next morning. It was more the state of mind she went in with, maybe?
I blew off a lot on the last couple days. And I was smart enough to down some coffee around 5 or so. LOL! It kicked in right on time and I was wide awake for the awards. Of course, I then totally crashed in the bar afterwards.
I’d say 95% of the time, I’m aware of my tendency to feel like an outsider and I bank on it.
Yeah, I get this. I do this. And yet, I think of Groucho Marx: "I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
I’m glad I didn’t have an all out anxiety attack, just a bit of a sobfest.
Next time I recommend the anxiety attack. I've done this; sometimes they allow you to leave the bar early.
It sounded like a very exhausting week. I would have broken down sobbing after the first day when I didn't get any sleep. *LOL* And then having to hang out in bars...not my gig. More power to you all for doing all you did for as long as you did.
Bo'sun, is that when your bedazzled bra made its appearance? :)
Exhaustion can play a big part in these things, especially when the conference goes from dawn til dusk for that many days in a row. There's a lot of expectations, a lot to worry about, not to mention a kabillion people. . .
Wait a minute. Why do I want to go next year? LOL Kidding. I so want to go. But I can see I better get myself in shape, AND I'll have to make sure I have downtime scheduled in there too. :)
I was just thinking of Groucho! And I keep waiting for the duck to drop and reveal the secret word. Part of it is feeling like there is conversation going on around me that is all in code... I'm better than I used to be at this, but it still rises to the surface now and then...
I also, I admit...worry about the whole 'being seen as a spy for the enemy' since I read and have been known to attend so many other type of conventions. Like the scifi/fantasy and even RT.
Imagine being wrestled to the ground by sequin wearing romance writers and interrogated about revealing secrets to the other side!
I have a wicked imagination...
And Bo'sun is right, I do worry. Part of knowing I hae to get to the other side of the continent. We'll see if it's better when the Nationals come to California...
And have you ever seen her on caffeine? Almost as good as having too much to drink!
Hellie and I are sharing a brain today! LOL Hey, maybe I can get you to work on my WIP while I just hang out. . .
I think the bra made an appearance the night before... Next year, she needs a sparkly one to show off. Sparkly as in bedazzled...
Nah, Hellie...anxiety attacks can see me in the ER... Though if I catch it early, I can take a pill and be fine. Crying just sorta cleaned out the system... And I thought you were an on-top-of-bar sort of drinker!? ;-)
Donna - Nope, that was the night before. I flashed on alcohol, I'm just annoying on caffeine. LOL! I think I kept doing the thumbs up thing, but I don't remember.
Hellie - When we say "in the bar" it's really in the lobby where you can buy drinks. Every hotel is different, but so far they've all been an open extension of the lobby. In fact, this one is more a really wide walkway with tables in it. No going into a bar like you'd think.
So you actually flashed the LOBBY, not the bar. Nice!
I've got to find some motivation/inspiration today and get some writing stuff started, or accomplished. Either that or I'm going to need some imposteritis vaccine. LOL
Be back later, wenches. :)
I thought their bar situation sorta stunk. Not nearly enough seats, etc. Though one could spill out into that huge lobby, with the fountain and the piano player...
With the narrow hallway aspect of the bar, it just go so incredibly loud!
A bar is a bar is a bar. (Though clearly after all the bars we attended in Norfolk, there are certainly different classes as you're reminding me.) It doesn't matter--there is a certain expectation to behave in a bar. You have to be on and bubbly and happy, and I rarely want to be those things in a BAR because there are people crowded around, jostling you to get drinks, telling stupid jokes "What's brown and sticky? A stick!", and stuff like that. Too much like happy hour after work with co-workers. I never liked happy hour; I rarely liked 1/3rd of my co-workers; and I never liked the jostling and effort needed to be nice.
I prefer to round up my friends and go out for food. I'd rather have something to eat and laugh. Like I did with Irish and Vagi and Sin and Dee and others in Chicago.
I did not flash the lobby! I was sitting along the side, in an alcove of sorts, at a table. I only flashed a few people in the bar area, perhaps a table of guys I didn't know was there. But how could I have known anyone was watching?
It's not like I flashed the girls or anything. And there will be no bedazzling. However, I love pretty bras so I'm all for wearing prettier ones next year.
The DC bar was huge. Much better for gathering, but they didn't have enough seating in their lobby.
I see you followed Eloisa's FB during the conference. LOL! We sat at the tables across from the bar, so no jostling. Well, not much. But it's all about the company at this event and the company was AWESOME. Steph and Mary, the Vixens, Scape. I talked to Bandita Suzanne and met her Dallas chapter girls. Even met a stranger who approached me about the fancy hat but then asked me a bunch of other questions I can't remember now.
Donna, in the Bo'sun's defence, it was a little flash and she was concerned that the silver paint from the littel raygun she'd tucked into her cleavage might have...
Never mind.
Hel - A lot of people just sorta got swept into the bar, since you had to walk through it to get to the restaurants and the shortest path between the Swan and Dolphin. So, they'd get snagged at a table where friends gathered. There was a lot of coming and going, which kept the fresh convo going, which made things louder...
It was a very fun group!
Now I'm feeling like an outsider because I have read 38 of the Rita finalists, and I had been feeling like an outsider because I had read only 40 percent. Sometimes you can't win. LOL!
Chance, a bunch of pop psychology books were written about the "Imposter Syndrome" back in the 80s. From what I remember, the feelings you describe are common among even the most successful women. I bet some of the "insiders" felt the same way and just hid it better. My worst attack was just before my comprehensive exams when, after 21 years of schooling and three months of intense study I knew more than I've ever known before or since, I felt abysmally ignorant and like the greatest fake to ever enter the halls of academe.
The secret to the Rita applause is to have your own posse there to cheer for you. I promise when any of you are Rita finalists, I'll come to Nationals to cheer for you. :) If I should ever be a finalist, one of you can accept my award. :(
And by the time I conqure CAPTCHA and get this posted the conversation will be three topics ahead. Talk about speaking another language . . .
OOOOOOOHHHHHH TWINKIES!!
I feel out of place EVERYWHERE. I'm sure I don't belong. I'm a wallflower. Unless I know you, I can't insert myself into your flow of conversation without feeling like you're thinking to yourself, "I don't give a rat's ass what this twit has to say." And that just doesn't apply to social situations. Even professionally I tend to listen instead of speak. I'm the lead rep for our district and still found myself not speaking out in a meeting last weekend because I wasn't sure what to say or even how to say it without thinking that people would take one look at me and think, "I'm not going to listen to one damned word this loud mouth has to say."
I can't ever imagine the horror I will feel to be at a RWA Nationals. I felt out of place at Spring Fling.. I will have a full blown panic attack at Nationals.
I think in all situations you just have to find a way to really just not give a crap what people think and say what you mean. Chanceroo, you belong there. You deserve to be there. And one day when you get up on stage to accept a RITA, you can talk about how once upon a time you felt odd just being at a Nationals (even with an agent under wraps) and that all it takes is a good dosing of rum to get your sea legs beneath you and accept a RITA.
And I have to put my money on the Undead Monkey. Mostly because he's my roomie, but a little because I know what his secret weapons are and Stitch is no match.
Like when you arrive late for a party, you don’t know the people and everyone is huddled in groups discussing. Its difficult to break into the circles without seeming boorish.
This is exactly how I felt at my first conference!
I think it's hard because we all write "alone." We're in our houses/coffee shops/bookstores or whatever. No one is helping us put words together. Maybe we get feedback later but initially it's all us. Yet somehow we think everyone else is there as a group and we're the only one who feels lonely. :)
I wonder if the outsider/impostor feeling is specific to writers, and what makes us such good observers of life, or if everyone feels that way. As I was reading your post, Chance, I kept thinking, "wow, I've felt like this so many times." And then I noticed that we've ALL felt like this. So either it's a writer thing, or it's an everyone thing, and everyone else is just better at hiding it :)
Though I do think that having an outsider's perspective can be good for writers. Or maybe I just tell myself that so I don't feel quite as left out. lol. A very real possibility
I feel like an outsider when my kiddo plays sports or has a school function. I don't have the ability to be room mom or volunteer for much, so I don't know the other parents. When I coached, it was great because they all had to talk to me, but when kiddo played volleyball and all the other parents knew each other, almost none of them talked to me. One did, and she was very cool, but the others acted like I had the plague.
Most annoying. So I'm with Hal, this might be an everyone thing.
Janga - WHEN you win a RITA, you WILL be there to accept it. You know there is a posse that will make sure that happens.
I have to agree Hal. Being a wallflower allows me to take in with detail everything that goes on around me. The ebb and flow of conversations, the way people express themselves. Facial expressions. I don't feel left out (mostly because I'm not a great conversationalist and the art of conversation is painful to me) when I'm in a room of talking strangers. I just bank it for later to pour into something I'm writing.
Janga, when you're nominated for your RITA, we will DRIVE you to the conference to make sure you show up. And I wouldn't suggest having us write your speech either or anything, because we'll say things like, "Janga wishes to thank George Clooney for being such an incredible source of support and inspiration as she wrote this book...and all her books."
Sin - hard to imagine you feeling out of place everywhere, but I've been there, so...
I think Hellie's right about taking the situation in stride ala Groucho...you fit in because you don't fit in and if you did fit in you wouldn't want to be there...
I'm dizzy...
Nah, Stich has a raygun...
Pretty sure it's an everyone thing. Writers couldn't possibly own the market on it. We just own the market in being able to write about it in such a way that everyone else goes, "That's me!" and rushes out to buy the book in bulk and give it to all their friends.
Janga - Wow, you read that many of them? Did the 'right' ones win? ;-)
It's a real tribute to the educational system that the more you know the more you are convinced you don't know...
I'm making myself dizzy again...
But I totally get it!
I honestly don't see myself ever winning at RITA, just doubt I'll ever write anything mainstream enough to find myself on that stage! A Prism, like the FF&P chapter gives out? Maybe!
But with your stories, RITA all the way!
That's not what I got out of Groucho, but you roll with it. *LOL*
Hal - As Janga mentioned, the imposter syndrom is a totally recognized ... uh...thing. I believe that most writers are quite precocious, which can easily lead to the entire imposter ... uh...thing. We put on a mask to fit in because our precociousness can be socially awkward. We do this at an early age.
Or we are recognized as precocious and adopted by adults who treat us older than we are, so we adapt to that and feel like we're wearing a mask.
And yeah, I'm sure it comes in handy when gathering fodder for the writing. When one isn't so aware of it that panic is near the surface! LOL!
Now, I can LOL.
Marnee - There must be a way to bridge the gap between the online support we writers have developed and those wonderful communities and making it work for us at conference.
Other than sitting in a circle and IMing each other...within feet of each other. (I saw this at RT.)
I'm not looking forward to these publisher thingies, groups with cocktails? I did better at this event because between the Bo'sun and Scape, they knew everyone! So, I could just slide around and talk to whoever else was on the outskirts...
The best thing to do, Chance, is ask someone a question. They're probably nervous too, so they're thankful when someone shows interest, and that way you can be gracious and considerate AND let them do the talking. :)
Win-win.
Masks and socially awkward...
Now I'm reminded of The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock (possibly one of the few poems I really read, loved, and felt I understood): http://www.bartleby.com/198/1.html
I loved when Anne Lamott referenced it in Bird by Bird, where she caught a glimpse of herself in a childhood video or something, and you could see her scuttle out of the frame like Prufrock's crab.
Sin - The only problem with that...is your surrounded by writers who somehow...know what you're doing!
Not really. I think you get them in a social situation and they get lost in actual human contact.
I found my most useful observation on the flight home, drifting between awake and asleep on the plane. All the filtered bits and pieces of life that wind around the earplugs...
In social situations, I'm too busy surviving to observe much of anything other than I'm not sure why I'm there and what will I drink next?
that way you can be gracious and considerate AND let them do the talking.
Brilliant, Donna. Brilliant :)
Yes, we will make certain Janga is there...
I'm prefering to see Groucho's philosophy as one I can use to survive the situations and not avoid them! Yes, I twist it.
But think about it...if you don't want to belong to the clubs that would have you...then it doesn't matter what they think of you when you're there, because they don't matter.
I need to sit down, my head hurts...
Donna - I swear, I suck at reciprocating conversation. I get asked, "What do you write?"
I answer, then go blank at asking back. I need it tattooed inside my eyelids, "So, what do you write?"
I'm usually better are "Where are you from?" stuff. I have no idea why, probably part of my own insecurities about not knowing anything about writing and genres.
And I'm afraid the sequin agents will uncover that I attend scifi/fantasy conventions and make it public....
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
I love that, and so true!
Thank you, Hal. :) I learned it in "Introverts 101". LOL
And Chance, you make it sound like your a porn star trying to hide your identity. LOL What's so bad about scifi conventions that it needs to be kept on the down low? (And do I need to attend one of those to find out? LOL)
Chance - Authors go to all sorts of conventions. There are a ton that go to DragonCon and some even went to ComicCon I bet. There's nothing wrong with cross-polination!
Ah, Donna...just very aware of the animosity between the two genres...
Every now and then, I get odd looks when I speak of attending RT. With every convention, used in a more general way, there is the 'ours is better than theirs' energy that some people walk with.
I, being the sensitive and overtly aware of slight person that I am, tend to notice it a great deal! I just want everyone to just get along!
I avoid controversy in person and hate to get into the debate of this is better or that sucks, or...especially with genre and attending conferences, etc.
Yes, Bo'sun...and I need to be braver about speaking out and not thinking every word I say will invite an attack. Honestly, I KNOW these things, I just instinctually cower under bushes instead of striding out on the plains.
I must have been a gazelle on the Serengeti in another life!
Well, Bonnie is doing the 'walk me' dance, so I need to do this. Hopefully the blog won't die while I'm gone... Everyone have lunch and we'll meet back here!
Gooooo Stitch!
I see you so differently, Chance--I wouldn't have thought you would care what others think, and I feel bad that they're affecting you that way. I don't want them to suck the joy out of you or your experiences!
Okay, this time I've got to go for real -- do some errands. Do some writing. Or at least move it up higher on today's HOA. LOL
Doesn't cross-pollination lead to stronger, more hardier plants/flowers/produce? (After all, too much inbreeding amongst yourselves, and you end up dying off or with bad health problems.)
Wow. You went there. You really went there.
*wonders off shaking head*
It’s an “everyone” thing and I’ve felt it a lot over the years! Moreso when I was younger I’m happy to say. And every time I think I’ve got it conquered I’m thrown into a new situation - unknown relatives, unknown neighbors, unknown school moms, unknown baseball moms, unknown author event attendees, etc., etc. Some are easier than others. Wow, so many factors to take into consideration when I venture out into the unknown now, but knowing my own mind and what I’m looking to get out of the experience always helps. The older I get the less I feel like I need to be a part of what is going on and the more I feel like I’m just happy to be there and observe. I’m a huge observer. I LOVE to people watch. It also all goes much better for me if I have plenty of rest (I’m way more neurotic when I’m tired), comfortable clothes (dressy with shoes that hurt would definitely not do), and a few essential props – usually a glass of water or some food in front of me. Clearly, under the same circumstances I would have been sobbing right beside you Chance.
Even going into it with no or low expectations it is easy to feel overwhelmed and out of place. Chance, I think you employed the best solution possible – arm yourself with the right people to help get you through it! I love Donna’s advice, too. I always try to get someone to talk about themselves and then I don’t have to talk about myself! It’s a neat little trick I learned a while ago.
I’m also with Hellion on sitting around with a bunch of people I’m comfortable with and eating a good meal. I’m all for that (it employs my two favorite props). In fact, Hellie, I think we’re getting into a rut – every time we meet, we eat! A good rut to get into, IMHO.
Janga and I are already planning our strategy WHEN we meet up. We’ll sit back, observe and sip sweet tea and push all of our extrovert friends out into the battlefield to do all the hard work! I’ll even step out of my comfort zone, Janga, and help get you there to pick up your statue! We’ll get it done even if we all have to go up on stage with you!!!!
Wouldn't that be fun? They call one name and ten of us head up on stage. LOL!
Hee, hee...I think that would be so much fun! One name gets called, we all go up, she stands there accepting and we all just stand behind her in silent support.
Which, you know, every writer out there would totally understand!
Janga's Posse of Pirates. I like it. Do we have matching dresses or badges?
Irish, I used to be much, much worse. Or better... I mean I would be out there, but when younger, I was about as socially inept as they come. So, I kicked a lot of shins, ate a lot of feet... I went from one side to the other.
Before I had my brush with death, I was convinced that if I ventured out of my safe zone I would crack wide open. It took some therapy to help me see that safe also meant static. Safe meant going no where, meeting no one and missing out on life. Since I'd almost lost that already, a lot of the fear went away.
As my therapist once told me when I told her I'd just shatter if an editor told me 'NO' ... "You almost died, what is there to fear from a simple 'no'?"
I really credit her with getting me off my butt and stepping out into the writing community.
And now that you've made your plan public, Irish, we'll ambush you and Janga and drag you out of your cubby!
Hel - We'll all need at least one thing the same... Eye patches? ;-)
The Bandits had rhinestone pins that read Banditas ... we need something less classy, but just as loud...
Yeah, therapy is awesome that way isn't it, Chance. It's amazing the clarity a good therapist can bring to your life! I used to be a lot worse too! Now I try not to dwell on my own panic and see if there is something I could do to relieve someone else's.
I would be the mom to say hi to Ter at the ball game. I don't know how many times over the years I've turned to someone I didn't recognize at a game and said "which kid is yours?"
I think the eye patches are a great idea! In fact, the whole pirate ensemble would take care of my comfy clothes dilemma! Loose fitting top and pants and flat shoes... what more could a girl want.
I can't believe Chance hasn't volunteered to make Pirate Posse buttons yet. LOL! I had a plethora of pins to choose from! There's even a baseball pin with a Nate Campbell (my hero) autograph on it. I could wear a different one every day.
Thank you for being that mom, Irish. I could have used you.
You know, I tend to be the person also, Irish. When I'm with a group that I'm secure with, I'll go to the people on the fringe. I'm really good with this at RT...why I work with the newbies so much.
Not sure the whole ensemble would fly, an eye patch could be slipped on once we're all on stage. Then we could link arms and do a dance... ;-)
OH! I can make buttons, but we need something flashy. I don't know how to make them all flashy! I could painstakingly glue rhinestones around the edges...add some ribbons...
Hmmmm!
I meant to give away the extra Revenge buttons I brought! My agent took the one I made her, "My Author is a Pirate on the Romance Writers Revenge."
Donna - I didn't get a chance to offer one to Christine...
Never fear, Irish. We'll be quiet, and our extrovert friends will be so busy meeting and greeting that we'll be able to observe to our hearts' content.
Chance, there are lots of sci fi fans in the romance community, including some of the most respected authors such as Jo Beverley and Mary Jo Putney. Romantic sci fi authors Lois McMaster Bujold, Sharon Shin, Catherine Asaro, and Linnea Sinclair all have big followings. Sinclair's Gabriel's Ghost even won a RITA in 2006. If you haven't read it, check out the cover for a good example of cross-pollination. (grin)
I think announcing you'd attended a Sci Fi or Fantasy conference would be more likely to be a first step in making friends rather than getting you ostracized. I'm not so certain announcing your romance connections would get the same response at a sci fi conference.
I'm not so sure
Actually, you are right. It's more open on the romantic side than the scifi side. And I'm working on it! Really!
I was a scifi/fantasy geek first and it's a slow process to shed the armour being part of that group entails. Which includes viewing other genres as if they look at us cross-eyed. Sorta ironic, considering romance feels that way, too.
Gail Carriger mentioned that steampunk should join forces with romance at a steampunk con and the whole crowd groaned... Sad, really.
It's rather ironic, really. And I've read Bujold, Shinn and Sinclair!
Back earlier than expected, because I couldn't tolerate the traffic. Yeesh. It was worse than crowds of PEOPLE. LOL
And Chance, too bad you didn't have the button for Christine. I'd told her about blogging here when I "introduced" her and Terri. :) And now that Kathryne knows about the Pirates (and really liked this bunch!), there's no keeping the place secret anymore. LOL
:lol:
I think she's smiling again .... or perhaps its the rum talking!
Why don't I have these well known syndromes? :?
I'm starting to feel inadequate now! :shock:
If I mentioned theoretical Physics at a romance conference, do you think I would find new friends? :lol:
I had a good walk with Bonnie. A 3 gopher head day.
No, she didn't get them, but she saw them and got all excited, so I count them.
Big line at Starbucks when I got here. I sat down and got online and just waited for the line to finish up. Sorta grey and cold here this morning, so no one wants to sit outside.
Oops, didn't mean to bring up the lower temps here to those suffering...
;-) Really!
Well, Q - If you mentioned it to the right people, they might find if fascinating!
I've been fine for days, really. Just had that one bad episode at the con. And I'm sure any syndrom you'd come down with would be much more scientific in nature... Einstein-itis or something like that.
The tendency to let the hair grow wild...and wear sweaters.
Maybe we could wear something like this, but personalized: http://www.centurynovelty.com/detail_349_163-561.html?mr:referralID=26a24b6a-a186-11df-adf3-000423bb4e79
Something with skull & crossbones or "Drink More Rum"
I've seen some! Bright beads with the skull and crossbones... Dang it! Where? I'll try to remember...that would be very flashy!
Hellie -- our very own Mardi Gras bead woman! :)
Do we have to show our tits to get them?
And Donna, I can send you the button to give Christine when you meet her in person...or send to her... ;-) Saritza puts hers on right away!
From earlier blogs,I thought you had to flash something to get those!
Thats not Helli's style!
Welllll, I don't know if I'd make everyone flash their tits to get them. Some people just aren't comfortable doing that. How about they flash a body part or their feature to get it? That can be fun. Some might flash an ankle or leg, some might flash a smile, some might flash their ass as they go by in a thong while they're dressing to go to dinner...
I thought the shot glass on a necklace adheres to our sense of practicality (knowing where an empty shot glass is available at all times so we can get another shot) and our sense of flash and gaudy (ooh, look! shiny! treasure!!!)
Are you kidding? Hellie was the tit flasher on record a few weeks ago!
I think Q's being that cute British sardonic they do so well. Or he's hoping I'll flash him to prove him wrong, since he probably knows I can't resist a challenge.
Oh, Q, how little you know our "perky" Captain.
Sorry, I meant: BEST feature (not their feature). *sighs* I don't feel hot today, guys.
*note to self
pack best bra for next conference, the black and white one with the pink ribbon
Well, one way to get over not feeling a part of a group...all wear flashy beads and let everyone guess what you had to flash to get them...
You think Q is that sneaky?
I'm seeing him in a whole new light, now.
I like the convenience of having the shotglass on the necklace. I'm just worried about those who are "overserved" trying to keep alcohol in the shotglass while it's dangling around their neck. LOL
Man, Donna...you're no fun. Killing off the best part of it. Serving hotties from the shot glass around your neck. Preferably more than one at a time...
Wait, what does this have to do with imposter-itis?
Hmmm...a cure?
Ohhhhhh, serving the Hotties from the necklace. Sorry. I thought we were wearing it at the conference. Hey, if we bring the Hotties to the conference. . .
Yeah. Probably not a good idea.
I've tried twice to send a Yahoo email and it is ignoring me. So either I broke it or it's gonna let loose with both of them all at once. Just warning you. :)
Great, Donna bombs. Something to look forward to!
No, hotties belong at RT. Tough Scott Eagan wore a kilt and one agent had a twead jacket that had several ladies all swoony...
The swoon-inducing agent was Steve Axelrod. I'll admit, the guy is a slick dresser, but I don't get the swooning. No offense to the man, he's clearly an amazing agent. A glance at his client list will tell you that. But I didn't get the swoon thing.
Me neither. I mean, nice looking guy. But swoon-inducing? OK, if he held out a contract, I might swoon...
Get me in a bidding war and I'd do more than swoon, I'd out and out faint.
After hyperventilating.
I nearly swooned when he requested a full off a query about a year ago. It didn't end up going anywhere, or I would have swooned again. LOL (He's Suzanne Brockmann's agent!)
He's Nora's agent and Julia Quinn's and SEP's and Jayne Ann Krentz and Julie Ann Long - just to name a few. LOL!
I'm pretty sure the dude could retire tomorrow if he wanted, and live a very cushy life.
May that be the truth with our agents, eventually. (Because we sell so well...)
I'll raise my shotglass to that, Chance!
*clinks glass with everyone else's*
Wow, I'm stunned at 110 comments. I figured I might strike a chord with openning discussing my melt down...but I had no idea.
Goes to show that we are all wallflowers at some stage in our lives.
It is possible to recover from imposter-itis. Or at least not let it rule your life. As I said before, I am much more out there then I once was. Imposter-itis was in total control when I wandered about the Nationals in San Francisco, despite being on home territory.
It held less control in DC and it really only flared a few times in Orlando. I had a few minor melts, but only the one major melt down.
There was that one time you snapped my head off, but then I inserted food and you were better. ;)
I think we're all more "Chatty Cathy" this week. :) We saved it up while all of you guys were gone at RWA.
Bo'sun brains...I was working off some zombie energy...
And I have no recollection of the event at all! I'm blessed with a memory that generally works for me this way...
And time to eat before I start lusting after Bo'sun brains again...
Wait, was Donna saying they missed us? ;-)
I love how she says "All of you..." LOL! TWO of us went. There were seven of you still here!
*red face*
Uh, I guess that means you have larger-than-life personalities. :) I thought there were more of you at the conference.
LOL
We do tend to make enough noise for four or five people.
And I’m sure any syndrom you’d come down with would be much more scientific in nature… Einstein-itis or something like that.
The tendency to let the hair grow wild…and wear sweaters.
I've already caught that one!
Anyone notice if Helli flashed for beads .... just to prove me wrong? *wicked grin*
Count me among those who were overwhelmed at Nationals.
Even meeting Terri, I was completely tongue-tied. It didn't help that she knew EVERYONE who walked by. Sabrina Jefferies, Miranda Neville, Chance, Scapegoat, Tiffany Clare...
Everyone was lovely and very kind, but wow. I came home determined that this was my first and last National conference. That feeling is fading-slowly.
Di
NO! You have to go again, Di. LOL! We didn't even get to have dinner like we planned. I guess I did talk to a few people while we were sitting there. LOL! But hundreds walked by that I didn't know!
It gets easier. I was totally overwhelmed in San Fran, my first one. It didn't help that the time change thing really screwed with me and I was awake for 22 hrs straight on day one. Never recovered from that and ended up missing work when I got back due to severe jet lag.
*flashes Q and shimmies her shoulders, sassy grin* Can you see me now?
Yeah, for Hellie! Let's all line up and flash Q, ladies!
Bo'sun, we are ALL THAT!
Di, no! Please come again and plan on more visiting. Terrio was going nuts trying to connect with you, drover her crazy that she couldn't make it work!
Really, SanFran totally floored me. I was staying a short BART ride away and came in and out, lunched with my husband the ONE day I wandered around. I was lost in the hotel, knew absolutely NO ONE. Didn't buy one book, get one autograph... I don't even remember going to one panel...
*flashes Q and shimmies her shoulders, sassy grin* Can you see me now?
Yeah, for Hellie! Let’s all line up and flash Q, ladies!
Good Lord. Not even Mrs Q does that for me!
I'll be having torrid dreams tonight! :D
Hard to resist a smart man with messy hair and sweaters... ;-)
Well, Q, what else would you expect of a bunch of pirates? (Or in this case, a bunch of brassy Americans? *LOL* How do you think we Colonials won the war the first time anyway?)
We flashed the British Army?
Wow, they sure didn't put that in the history books!
Sorry that sounded so whiney. I AM going next year. And looking forward to being able to visit more.
I'm sorry about the snafu with my phone. As soon as we landed, it was fine. I don't know what happened and the guy at the store was rude and unhelpful.
Di
Didn't want to give away our war strategies. I wonder if it should be implemented again?
We can line up and flash the taliban?
Man, and thought we were going to hell before!
Di, sometimes the phone stuff drives a person crazy. And technology in general! Scape got me hooked up with Twitter and I haven't moved on it at all! So convinced I'll do something wrong and blow up the twittasphere.
Go back to the store and lodge a complaint about the jerk and get someone else to help you.
Don't forget to shimmy when you flash 'em. Something about the jiggle is more mesmerizing than Edward Cullen's skin in the sunlight. (Unless the guy you're flashing prefers Edward Cullen, then the flashing would be moot.)
I don't know, if I shimmy I may poke out an eye...
If you're going to flash the taliban, make sure you use sunscreen. The sun is brutal over there. @@
I think I will go back. I knew I was too tired to confront him then-it would have been very ugly. But I've been with that company for 11 yrs, if I don't get some answers, I'll be taking my business somewhere else.
Did Scape ever crash after her lunch of carbs and caffeine?
What is BART?
Di
BART - Bay Area Rapid Transit ... it's the underground train for the SanFran area. Sorry, one of those things I tend to forget not everyone knows.
I don't think Scape crashed until that last night. Sat...she fell asleep while Ter and I were still chatting.
You guys are like the Energizer bunny today. LOL You keep going, and going. . .
I have done NOTHING productive today. Okay, one little thing, but that's it. I am going to go read Loretta Chase's newest -- I started it last night and love it already.
I knew we were bad for you Donna. I'm sorry. Go write!
LOL, Hellie -- you're not bad for me! I'm bad for myself!
I was so confused, Di, when I could see that you called me on the number in my phone, and then when I'd call the recording would say I had a bad number. So weird that you could text but not take calls. Never heard of something like that before.
Happy to hear you'll be attending in NYC. I'm hoping sometime around Feb or March we can get a group together and plan ahead to take in a show. I've never been to NYC and I will not finally get there and not catch a show on Broadway.
Oh, yes! That would be so cool. I thought I'd get to a bookstore this weekend and look for a guidebook... ;-) I love guidebooks.
Sounds like a plan to me. I know Barb had I'd love to see a show.
Di
OMG-that totally didn't make any sense.
Redo-Sounds good to me, I know Barb had said maybe we'd catch one.
Di
I'm all for it! I'd rather come in early... I'm still looking at flying home on a Saturday morning of a three day weekend. Wonder if it might be better to catch a flight later in the day...
Post a Comment