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Monday, December 22, 2008
Christmas RWR Caroling Review
[ship railing twined with tinsel and fat Christmas lights; decorated Christmas tree with a Captain Jack Sparrow action figure tied to the top as the “angel” in the Crow’s Nest; a snow-machine on the fo’c’sle, launching fake snow onto the main decks and the crew, which most keep dusting from their costumes with various degrees of hostility. Hellion, dressed in an Elf costume and an ostentatious number of jingle bells, is handing out crib sheets to everyone.]
Terri: [taking sheet, tugging at short skirt which could double as a napkin] You know, when you did this crap on the Vagabonds, you didn’t make them wear embarrassing outfits.
Hellion: Yes, I did.
Tiffany: She really did.
Terri: Tiffany?
Tiffany: [tugging at her skirt, but to show off her belly ring] Yeah, she complains about my Nick Cave, but come Christmas, she wants my Soprano in her choir.
Ely: [fluffing hair and scarf] And mine!
Hellion: [sheepish shrugging] Caroling is more fun in large groups. Kris? Mags? Come on out! You look adorable, you do!
[Maggie and Kris emerge from below deck, looking the supreme Madonnas of Cool, elf outfits, glittery silver scarfs and sunglasses. Hellion hands them their sheets.]
Marnee: [bouncing up] I do like the outfits, but the heels are a bit much. These are not every efficient to chase toddlers in.
Ely: [winking] No, but they’re perfect for making you slow enough to be chased. [blows kiss at one of the crew hands who makes a ‘call me’ gesture]
Sin: [emerging from the Crow’s Nest, though no one can figure out how since there is a tree there; everyone stares at her elf outfit which is completely black, with no tinsel or bells. Hellion stares at her] What? I’m wearing it.
Hellion: I gave you a RED outfit.
Sin: This was hell to dye, let me tell you. Ninjas don’t wear red outfits, Hellie. I’ve told you that.
Hellion: And where are the jingle bells?
Sin: Nor do super-secret agent spies wear bells. Don’t you read spy books?
Hellion: [sighing] I should just be happy you’re wearing it at all.
Sin: Atta girl.
Hellion: Okay, ladies, a one, a one, two….
Crew & Vixens:
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want him for my own
More than he could ever know
Santa, make my wish come true...
All I want for Christmas is
Hugh…
[Hugh Jackman bursts out of a rum keg, wearing a Santa hat and not much else, though the rum keg does keep this all PG-13.]
Hellion: [sashaying]
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
(and I) Don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
Above my hammock on the deck
(ahhh) All I need is hot Hugh Jackman,
Lathered up, all soapy wet
I just want him for my own
More than he could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is Hugh... [Hellion spreads arms wide, belting]
[Captain Jack Sparrow staggers out onto the deck, admires Hellion, does a double-take at Hugh]
Hugh: Good-day, mate.
Jack: Where are your clothes?
Hugh: I’m not sure. I just woke up like this.
Jack: [grunting] That’s happened to me more times than I care to recall. [looking about] Hellie, baby, when is my part?
Hellion: [sheepish look] Later, baby. I told you, at rehearsal, after the Hugh song. [muttering] Like wayyyy later.
Jack: There was a rehearsal?
Crew & Vixens: There was a rehearsal?
[music replays cue. Replays cue again.]
Sin: Sh*t, damn, f*ck. I missed the cue. [plays cue again, Sin sings]
Oh I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for rum
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Right here, till my feet go numb;
I won't make a list and send it
With my requests for all things Twilight
Vampires can’t hold a candle
To Hugh’s soapy, chesty sight
'Cause I just want him here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is…Edward!
Hellion: That is not what it says!
Sin: I improved it.
Hellion: You did not!
Sin: Did too!
Jack: Ladies, ladies, ladies…I’m here. You can stop singing the song now. [sniffs, glances over at the still grinning Hugh] And I think you need to find your clothes.
[Tiffany, Ely, Kris and Maggie run over to the barrel]
Tiffany: I can help him. I think I know where he might have left them.
Kris: I think I might have a better idea of where he left them, Tiff.
Ely: [stroking a fingertip down Hugh’s chest] I’m good at finding things, Hugh….
Maggie: This goes to show how much you three know what to do with a naked man. Hugh, why don’t you come with me? You, as always, are dressed perfectly for the occasion.
[Vixens whisk Hugh Jackman below decks. A new glance on the ship shows Sin is hanging off the side railing, calling, “Edward? Are you there?”; Terri is trying to glue an extension to her short skirt; and Marnee has exchanged her heels for tennis shoes.]
Hellion: [music cues and Hellion begins striding across the ship with grand gestures]
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Here upon the ship;
Take a look at the carronades, those tinsely grenades,
What Man-o-War could be more prettily equipped?
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Toys for every Ninja Spy,
[Sin holds up three Ninja stars in one hand and a Glock in the other]
But the prettiest sight to see is the rum casks that will be
Stacked up to the sky.
Jack: There’s more rum? Excellent. I’m out. [uncorking a cask and refilling his bottle]
Sin: [sticks Glock at her back holster, starts juggling stars]
A pair of CFM boots and a pistol that shoots
Is the wish of our Captain Hellie;
Terri wants Big Ben, Lisa wants a variety of men,
And Marnee wants cologne to make her husband smelly.
Jack: And we all want rum balls for our bellies! Bugger, are they gone too?
Lisa, Marnee, & Terri: [in harmony]
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Here upon the ship;
There's a tree in the Crow’s Nest high, and there’s plenty of pumpkin pie,
Piled with plenty of that canned whip
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas;
Soon the singing will start,
And the thing that will make us sing is the jolly our ‘lubbers bring
And those little delightful rum tarts…
Hellion: Has anyone got any rum tarts? I mean, is anyone baking on this ship this year? I’m hungry….
Jack: [finishing the rum in his bottle] We’re out of rum tarts too? What is going on this ship? Stress-eating? Is it the holidays? Are you worried about what to buy me, my little love muffin? [wiggles fingers under Hellion’s chin]
Hellion: The economy. Pirating has been way down.
Terri: Oh, like you know anything about the economy. Why don’t you have some more rum? You’re a lot more coherent about the economy when you’re trashed.
Hellion: No, I’m not.
Terri: Okay, you’re not. But you are more optimistic…and well, fun, and I’ll take that. [pouring rum for Hellion] Now are we done butchering Christmas songs yet?
Hellion: Not quite. I have a special guest for the finale.
Jack: Yes! I have the finale?
Hellion: No, Ranger has the finale. [Jack pouts, Hellion blows kiss] We have a finale later.
Jack: Later? You mean… [waves a hand to the cabin]
Hellion: [nods]
Jack: [grinning] Pirate queen and naughty first mate who has to swab the deck….
Terri: Ewww, do we have to hear this? Really?
Hellion: [nods at Jack] Later, yes, my naughty first mate.
Jack: Yes!
Hellion: [clearing throat] Okay, Ranger, you can come out now!
[Ranger descends from the Crow’s Nest, again, much to the bafflement of the rest of the crew because no one can figure out how they’re fitting up there. Though we now know what Sin was doing.]
Ranger: [crossing arms] I don’t sing.
Hellion: You lost the bet, buddy. Now just like in rehearsal, one, two, thr….
Crew & Ranger: There was a rehearsal?
Hellion: Just sing it.
Ranger: [glaring at Hellion, sings]
There's something stuck up in the Crow’s Nest
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all night long.
Well, I waited up for Stephanie all Christmas night
But she never came and it don't seem right.
And there's something in the Crow’s Nest
And it doesn't make a sound,
But I wish you Merry Christmas.
There's something stuck up in the Crow’s Nest
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all week long.
Well, Sin keeps bitchin’ ‘bout the Crow’s Nest pew
And we don't know what we're going to do.
Cause there's something in the Crow’s Nest
And it doesn't move around,
And it's been a week since Christmas.
There's something stuck up in the Crow’s Nest
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all month long.
Well, it's jammed up tight in the Looking place
Now the ship smells wonky, should we replace?
That something in the Crow’s Nest,
That doesn't talk at all,
And it's been there since last Christmas.
There's something stuck up in the Crow’s Nest
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all year long.
I'll been waiting up for Stephanie like I did last year
But my pirate ninja says, "She's already here."
And she's stuck up in the Crow’s Nest
And she doesn't say a word
And she'll be there every Christmas.
And I'll have her every Christmas.
Hellion: [clapping] Excellent, excellent, brilliant job. Okay, there is no easy way to transition to an ending to this, I noticed that three pages ago, because well, I’m not good at finishing things.
Sin: Yeah, I saw that latch hook rug kit you got when you were in 4th grade. Are you ever going to finish that?
Hellion: No, I’m past my fascination for wall decorations in the shape of 70s-era shag carpeting. Do you know you can still get them? Latch Hook Kits. I know what my nieces are getting for Christmas! Now the question of the day: what do you want for Christmas? (The first do-gooder who says, “Peace on earth and goodwill to all men” is going to be knocked in the head with a rum bottle. I mean, I want a serious answer like, a Wii or Hugh Jackman in a red ribbon.)
Terri: [taking sheet, tugging at short skirt which could double as a napkin] You know, when you did this crap on the Vagabonds, you didn’t make them wear embarrassing outfits.
Hellion: Yes, I did.
Tiffany: She really did.
Terri: Tiffany?
Tiffany: [tugging at her skirt, but to show off her belly ring] Yeah, she complains about my Nick Cave, but come Christmas, she wants my Soprano in her choir.
Ely: [fluffing hair and scarf] And mine!
Hellion: [sheepish shrugging] Caroling is more fun in large groups. Kris? Mags? Come on out! You look adorable, you do!
[Maggie and Kris emerge from below deck, looking the supreme Madonnas of Cool, elf outfits, glittery silver scarfs and sunglasses. Hellion hands them their sheets.]
Marnee: [bouncing up] I do like the outfits, but the heels are a bit much. These are not every efficient to chase toddlers in.
Ely: [winking] No, but they’re perfect for making you slow enough to be chased. [blows kiss at one of the crew hands who makes a ‘call me’ gesture]
Sin: [emerging from the Crow’s Nest, though no one can figure out how since there is a tree there; everyone stares at her elf outfit which is completely black, with no tinsel or bells. Hellion stares at her] What? I’m wearing it.
Hellion: I gave you a RED outfit.
Sin: This was hell to dye, let me tell you. Ninjas don’t wear red outfits, Hellie. I’ve told you that.
Hellion: And where are the jingle bells?
Sin: Nor do super-secret agent spies wear bells. Don’t you read spy books?
Hellion: [sighing] I should just be happy you’re wearing it at all.
Sin: Atta girl.
Hellion: Okay, ladies, a one, a one, two….
Crew & Vixens:
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want him for my own
More than he could ever know
Santa, make my wish come true...
All I want for Christmas is
Hugh…
[Hugh Jackman bursts out of a rum keg, wearing a Santa hat and not much else, though the rum keg does keep this all PG-13.]
Hellion: [sashaying]
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
(and I) Don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
Above my hammock on the deck
(ahhh) All I need is hot Hugh Jackman,
Lathered up, all soapy wet
I just want him for my own
More than he could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is Hugh... [Hellion spreads arms wide, belting]
[Captain Jack Sparrow staggers out onto the deck, admires Hellion, does a double-take at Hugh]
Hugh: Good-day, mate.
Jack: Where are your clothes?
Hugh: I’m not sure. I just woke up like this.
Jack: [grunting] That’s happened to me more times than I care to recall. [looking about] Hellie, baby, when is my part?
Hellion: [sheepish look] Later, baby. I told you, at rehearsal, after the Hugh song. [muttering] Like wayyyy later.
Jack: There was a rehearsal?
Crew & Vixens: There was a rehearsal?
[music replays cue. Replays cue again.]
Sin: Sh*t, damn, f*ck. I missed the cue. [plays cue again, Sin sings]
Oh I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for rum
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Right here, till my feet go numb;
I won't make a list and send it
With my requests for all things Twilight
Vampires can’t hold a candle
To Hugh’s soapy, chesty sight
'Cause I just want him here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is…Edward!
Hellion: That is not what it says!
Sin: I improved it.
Hellion: You did not!
Sin: Did too!
Jack: Ladies, ladies, ladies…I’m here. You can stop singing the song now. [sniffs, glances over at the still grinning Hugh] And I think you need to find your clothes.
[Tiffany, Ely, Kris and Maggie run over to the barrel]
Tiffany: I can help him. I think I know where he might have left them.
Kris: I think I might have a better idea of where he left them, Tiff.
Ely: [stroking a fingertip down Hugh’s chest] I’m good at finding things, Hugh….
Maggie: This goes to show how much you three know what to do with a naked man. Hugh, why don’t you come with me? You, as always, are dressed perfectly for the occasion.
[Vixens whisk Hugh Jackman below decks. A new glance on the ship shows Sin is hanging off the side railing, calling, “Edward? Are you there?”; Terri is trying to glue an extension to her short skirt; and Marnee has exchanged her heels for tennis shoes.]
Hellion: [music cues and Hellion begins striding across the ship with grand gestures]
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Here upon the ship;
Take a look at the carronades, those tinsely grenades,
What Man-o-War could be more prettily equipped?
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Toys for every Ninja Spy,
[Sin holds up three Ninja stars in one hand and a Glock in the other]
But the prettiest sight to see is the rum casks that will be
Stacked up to the sky.
Jack: There’s more rum? Excellent. I’m out. [uncorking a cask and refilling his bottle]
Sin: [sticks Glock at her back holster, starts juggling stars]
A pair of CFM boots and a pistol that shoots
Is the wish of our Captain Hellie;
Terri wants Big Ben, Lisa wants a variety of men,
And Marnee wants cologne to make her husband smelly.
Jack: And we all want rum balls for our bellies! Bugger, are they gone too?
Lisa, Marnee, & Terri: [in harmony]
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Here upon the ship;
There's a tree in the Crow’s Nest high, and there’s plenty of pumpkin pie,
Piled with plenty of that canned whip
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas;
Soon the singing will start,
And the thing that will make us sing is the jolly our ‘lubbers bring
And those little delightful rum tarts…
Hellion: Has anyone got any rum tarts? I mean, is anyone baking on this ship this year? I’m hungry….
Jack: [finishing the rum in his bottle] We’re out of rum tarts too? What is going on this ship? Stress-eating? Is it the holidays? Are you worried about what to buy me, my little love muffin? [wiggles fingers under Hellion’s chin]
Hellion: The economy. Pirating has been way down.
Terri: Oh, like you know anything about the economy. Why don’t you have some more rum? You’re a lot more coherent about the economy when you’re trashed.
Hellion: No, I’m not.
Terri: Okay, you’re not. But you are more optimistic…and well, fun, and I’ll take that. [pouring rum for Hellion] Now are we done butchering Christmas songs yet?
Hellion: Not quite. I have a special guest for the finale.
Jack: Yes! I have the finale?
Hellion: No, Ranger has the finale. [Jack pouts, Hellion blows kiss] We have a finale later.
Jack: Later? You mean… [waves a hand to the cabin]
Hellion: [nods]
Jack: [grinning] Pirate queen and naughty first mate who has to swab the deck….
Terri: Ewww, do we have to hear this? Really?
Hellion: [nods at Jack] Later, yes, my naughty first mate.
Jack: Yes!
Hellion: [clearing throat] Okay, Ranger, you can come out now!
[Ranger descends from the Crow’s Nest, again, much to the bafflement of the rest of the crew because no one can figure out how they’re fitting up there. Though we now know what Sin was doing.]
Ranger: [crossing arms] I don’t sing.
Hellion: You lost the bet, buddy. Now just like in rehearsal, one, two, thr….
Crew & Ranger: There was a rehearsal?
Hellion: Just sing it.
Ranger: [glaring at Hellion, sings]
There's something stuck up in the Crow’s Nest
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all night long.
Well, I waited up for Stephanie all Christmas night
But she never came and it don't seem right.
And there's something in the Crow’s Nest
And it doesn't make a sound,
But I wish you Merry Christmas.
There's something stuck up in the Crow’s Nest
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all week long.
Well, Sin keeps bitchin’ ‘bout the Crow’s Nest pew
And we don't know what we're going to do.
Cause there's something in the Crow’s Nest
And it doesn't move around,
And it's been a week since Christmas.
There's something stuck up in the Crow’s Nest
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all month long.
Well, it's jammed up tight in the Looking place
Now the ship smells wonky, should we replace?
That something in the Crow’s Nest,
That doesn't talk at all,
And it's been there since last Christmas.
There's something stuck up in the Crow’s Nest
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all year long.
I'll been waiting up for Stephanie like I did last year
But my pirate ninja says, "She's already here."
And she's stuck up in the Crow’s Nest
And she doesn't say a word
And she'll be there every Christmas.
And I'll have her every Christmas.
Hellion: [clapping] Excellent, excellent, brilliant job. Okay, there is no easy way to transition to an ending to this, I noticed that three pages ago, because well, I’m not good at finishing things.
Sin: Yeah, I saw that latch hook rug kit you got when you were in 4th grade. Are you ever going to finish that?
Hellion: No, I’m past my fascination for wall decorations in the shape of 70s-era shag carpeting. Do you know you can still get them? Latch Hook Kits. I know what my nieces are getting for Christmas! Now the question of the day: what do you want for Christmas? (The first do-gooder who says, “Peace on earth and goodwill to all men” is going to be knocked in the head with a rum bottle. I mean, I want a serious answer like, a Wii or Hugh Jackman in a red ribbon.)
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104 comments:
All I want for Christmas?
Why any Hugh would do.
A bit of Toby on the side and
Colin Firth would be first in line.
Yup, that's all I want for Christmas, it's true.
Merry Christmas and all the Best in the New Year, my pirate and vixen friends.
Oh, and lest I forget ---- peaceonearthandgoodwilltomen.
Now, where's me bottle of rum?
And one published book!!!!
Jack, there's always more rum under the bar. I talked ta the pirate gods and finagled. Got a never ending barrel outta 'em. (Don't ask what I had ta give 'em.) AND DON'T TAKE IT OFF THE STAND!
Here, have some chocolate cinnamon bread...
I see my old age---I mean years of experience are finally paying off. I do indeed know what to do with a naked man, if only I could remember where I put the Scrabble board. S-E-X...that's ten points for me.
Thank you Hellion for including the Vixens in your ship's shenanigans (try saying that after a bellyful of rum). May the Pirates plunge pitilessly through ports of Christmas plenty, parlaying presents into pure pleasure. As for me, I just want a good night's sleep, my own peace on earth. :)
I've been developing my own poetry skills, ready to entertain at the kiddies party.
Thought I'd practise a little here....merciless criticism is welcome!
When Sin got stuck in the crow's nest
She began to pout.
You girls and boy won't get that toy
unless you help me out.
The snow is falling, the gulls are calling
and there's a hole in Hellion's sock.
*add your own line here if its not too rude....yes cap'n, I know what rhymes with sock.*
:lol:
For Christmas I would like a new superman outfit or failing that some expandable dowsing rods.
that was though not thought.
[snorts] No rhyming for me, it's way too early! Very fun thought :D
and no, I have no piercings, not even my ears. Dreadful allergy to all things that pierce through my flesh. sigh... tatts is a whole other topic :)
Awesome! Merry Christmas!
I guess we now know that I didn't read the end of this before I posted my "what do you want" question yesterday. LOL! Whoops!
I actually considered doing a little pirate parody yesterday, then realized how amateurish it would look next to this. LOL! *pulls pj's up under skirt* That's better.
Since I woke up this morning in a budget panic, I want a raise. Or to win the lottery. That's what I want. Which means I should probably start playing....
I know it's good when I get an email from my mother in the middle of the night- And I quote-
"Ya'lls christmas songs cracked me the f*ck up LMAO!!!"
And I really can't believe we've already got words that rhyme with "sock" this morning.
This is truly a wonderful Christmas.
And I do not pout.
*g*
Although, I must confess, at this point, my ass would get stuck in the crow's nest all night because I wouldn't be able to budge myself free.
And I would like a new shoulder holster for my Glock (though, *batting eyelashes* A Beretta would be nice as well- if you don't mind Santa) and some new throwing stars because I had to throw one at a pirate and now it has blood on it. And some furry handcuffs, just for the hell of it.
Santa, I'll let you get away with "goodwilltowardsmen" because I know you're only trying to provoke me. Well, it's not going to work. *pauses* I've had too much rum.
I am trying to figure out who Toby is. I'm assuming you like Hugh Jackman AND Hugh Grant; and *laughs* clearly Colin Firth (I just watched Love Actually the other day...LOVE that dance scene!)...but Toby? I'm a country fan, so I think Toby Keith...but maybe you mean Toby McGuire??
Merry Christmas, Santa--thank you for all the fun and frivolity you bring to the ship, as well as the great guest blogs you do for us as well! Here's to many more in the New Year! *hangs her a case of rum*
This cracked me up again. I swear, I was drinking coffee when I read the part about me changing into sneakers and I thought to myself, "these damn girls know me better than I'd like sometimes...."
(read: Marnee don't do no stinking heels)
*clearing my throat*
I learned my lesson from yesterday though. I'm not going to ask for some cheapo cruise, no no.... i'm going for the gusto today, mates.
This Christmas I want to win Powerball on one of those times where it's like 300 million dollars. Then I can buy an island or some chocolate or a personal slave. Whatever.
PS, I meant I almost spit out my coffee. Not fully caffeinated yet.
I love Marn's priorities today.
Chocolate or a personal slave. Whatever.
LMFAO
2nd Chance: go wild, make it at least TWO published books.
A never-ending cask of rum? Gotta love those pirate gods! *high fives 2nd* Way to take one for the team! *tasting the bread* And she bakes too... Damn, I know we usually only take on male crew members, but I'm so glad we made an exception for 2nd.
Merry Christmas, 2nd, thanks for joining our crew this year! And a huge, huge thank you for the Glittery Hoohas....
Maggie: Merry Christmas, you Vixen you. I'm glad you girls were willing on a moment's notice. *LOL* And thank you again for taking care of Hugh. I mean, he's already thanked *me* a dozen times in a thoroughly exhausted voice, just for introducing you guys...what are you all doing to him?
I do believe Santa is referring to Toby Stephens. You know, that dude that played Rochester in the recent Jane Eyre remake? I think she has a crush on him. :)
Marn - step away from my lotto ticket!
Ter, I think you might be right. If I wanna win Powerball, i think I have to BUY a ticket. *sigh* I hate when logic gets missed up in my argument.
Hey, I made fudge yesterday for Christmas. That's something. And I'm making a pumpkin log today for tomorrow night.
That's about as far as I got with baking.
But the fudge rocked. So easy too....
3/4 c margarine, 3 c sugar, 2/3 c evap milk - bring to boil and boil (while stirring continuously) for 5 minutes.
Remove from heat, add 12 oz bag semisweet choco chips, 7 oz marshmallow fluff, and 1 tsp vanilla. Pour into a 9x13 pan that's been greased with margarine and let cool.
And that's right folks, I didn't even have to look up that recipe. I've made it so often I don't need no stinking recipe.
Q, thank you for the Christmas gift of leaving that "sock" rhyming scheme WIDE OPEN. I mean, the pirates are going to run around screaming "cock" all day, I know it.
So really, it's not any different than any other day, now that I think on it.
I think you definitely deserve a new Superman outfit. *LOL* I hope you get to unwrap a new cape this Christmas! *hands him a bottle of Scotch* Merry Christmas, Q, and thanks for keeping the pirates company...and trying to raise the tone of the blog. I know it's a job that seems quite impossible. *LOL*
JK! Merry Christmas to you too!! Thanks for coming by! Have some rum! :)
Sorry, Tiff, I was having some poetic license there. I was tempted to have you wash your hair in virgin rain water, let it air dry (in the shade because sunlight is murder on hair follicles), then having you flat iron it on the deck...but I didn't have enough time.
Merry Christmas, Tiff, and thanks for all you do! :) Usually keeping me in line. *grins*
Sin, AWWWW, your mother wrote that? She's so sweet! MERRY CHRISTMAS, MOM!!!!
Terri, yeah, I realized yesterday when I re-read my blog you stole my question thunder, but I was too tired to think of something original.
Thankfully everyone has been doing these kick-ass, hysterical poems!--so I think we're good. *LOL* Now if we could just get a dirty limerick. Oh, Jack!!....
Sin, for God's sake, your ass is fine. And I too am excited about the "sock" rhyming scheme. Now we just need a glittery hooha discussion, and this day is complete. I can't help out with the Beretta, but Ranger is still hanging about. I'm sure he can help a girl out. And knowing him, he probably could hook you up with some furry handcuffs.
Marnee, I'm with Sin here...I'm still snorting MD out of my nose at the priorities. "Chocolate or a personal slave. Whatever." It's always the personal slave, Marnee--then you can send him out (yes, it's always a him) and get the chocolate.
*sneaking around*
Oooh, Ranger... I have a glittery hooha for you. Come out, come out wherever you are.
T--I need to google some Toby Stephens then. Hmm. Oh, okay, I know who it is. He was rather sexy as that part. What is it about guy who play cranky bastards that melt perfectly rational women's panties? I mean, Scrooge doesn't get this kind of following...but it's pretty much the same guy. Only older...and crankier.
Man, I really need to keep working on this whole thing. I was thinking a personal slave/nanny so I could go pick out my own chocolate.
I'm just not sure a man could get it right. (Sorry Q, but my experience with my DH is that he just doesn't appreciate QUALITY in his chocolate).
And maybe this is just because to me, most days Mom=personal slave at my house. (I do have a 2 year old.)
Speaking of personal slave, my self-esteem reached a new low yesterday as my 2 year old dictator screamed at me from his high chair: "No milk, Ma!" As if I was mentally handicapped for even offering it to him. The look on his face was like, "YOU IDIOT!! Why does Dad leave me here with you?"
I just snorted tea out my nose. Holy hell Marn.
Sorry Sin.
I'm still cracking up with you using a glittery hooha to lure out Ranger. Tee hee....
*LOL* I'm with Marnee: you mean in order to win Powerball, you have to BUY the ticket? That sucks.
Totally copy and pasted the fudge recipe. I don't have any fluff...but I think I have marshmallows. (Yeah, like I need fudge around the house...but damnit, I have to spend it with my relatives. I should be allowed to be in a sugar coma if I wish.)
That's why you tell the personal slave EXACTLY what you want. I have found if you tell a guy EXACTLY what you want, they will go find it. (It helps if you include pictures and diagrams.) Also helps if you promise a treat afterwards too. The problem is that 99% of the time, we don't know what we want...or by the time they return with what we did want, we want something else. We might actually be the problem here.
We're gonna need more glitter.
ROFLMAO!!!
*gets serious*
I've gotten that look.....usually from co-workers.
Bravo! Great Caroling!
I'm going to be cheeky and say: Peace on earth and good will towards men. *wink* You set me up girl! Hee hee!
I loved the line: Economy. Pirating is down. Which is not true for this ship. Carry on pirate pals.
What do I want for Christmas? Aside from yesterdays answer, I still don't know. Yeah, it's an unimaginative and pathetic answer but thats me.
Hellie, you do realize that people train dogs this exact way.
"Go get the BALL."
"No, not the STICK, the BALL."
"OHHH... WHAT a GOOD Boy!! Here's a treat!!"
Poor Marn, how are those terrible twos working out for you? You can't let your self-esteem hinge on a tiny dictator who's idea of a great time is playing peek-a-boo in a closet. 90 billion times. And who's favorite friend is Barney, the purple dinosaur. I mean seriously.
*Marnee, wondering if Hellion has planted a video camera in her house.*
How did you know about the closet peek a boo?
LMAO!
In all honesty, sometimes when he gets like that I'm like seriously, I'd give back the god given gifts I have been endowed with (long legs, thanks god, small boobs, definitely a good thing) and trade them in for some ESP any day of the week.
Oh, and the fudge is awesome as a gift for coworkers. I made three batches for my hubby's coworkers and packaged it up for them all so they can take it home and pretend at their own Christmas Eve parties that they made it themselves.
LMAO! Carry on pirate pals. LOL!
Marnee: Yeah, your point is? I mean, like we don't use completely unrelated processes to perform things in other aspects of our life... I mean, if it WORKS, why reinvent the wheel?
IG: *HUGS* Hey, we all deserve to be home for Christmas. I wish you were home with your family too.
It's in the Terrible Twos Handbook. Didn't anyone give it to you? I mean, every Terrible Two I've ever met knows that game.
Plus Sin totally broke into your house and set up that camera. I mean, how do you think I knew about the tennis shoes too? All in a Ninja's day's work.
And I'm cracking up you made extra fudge so your hubby's coworkers could LIE. That's hilarious to me.
Marn is contributing to other people's delinqency. Such a pirate thing to do. I'm so proud. *sniff*
I want to thank Marn for reminding me I have it much easier with my 9 year old. However, when said 9 year old hits 13, I will then curse her for having it easy.
All I want for Christmas
is that George Clooney,
that George Clooney,
please, that George Clooney!
Wow, if I could only
have that George Clooney,
then I could sure have
a Merry Christmas.
It seems so long since I could say,
"Super sexy surfeit on a Tuesday!"
My, oh me, how happy I'd be,
to see my dreams-come-true day (ohhhh, ohhhh).
All I want for Christmas
is that George Clooney,
that George Clooney,
please, that George Clooney!
Wow, if I could only
have that George Clooney,
then I could sure have
a Merry Christmas.
Ok, I'm awake. What did I miss? LOL looks like a lot.
What do I want for Christmas? Rest and relaxation and time with the fam.
My kiddo did the cutest thing, and I'm in a sharing mood today so you have to suffer through it:
He had practiced and practiced, and was really excited about his part in the Christmas play at school on Friday. But we had a huge snowstorm and they closed the school so he stayed home with me. To try and make him feel better I told him that he could do his part for me, and I would video tape it for him. OH. MY. GOD. The kid is too cute. He plays an elf, and there are supposed to be some other elves with him, all standing in front of a Christmas tree with no angel on the top. He points to it and says “Oh no. Santa’s tree is naked on the top, whatever shall we do?” (imagine his dramatic child’s voice). [This is where the camera starts shaking because I’m laughing so hard] Then he looks up at our tree and whispers loudly: “Mom! Get the angel off the tree!”. So I turn off the camera and take the angel off and then turn it back on. He pretends to reach up to put an angel on top of the tree and then of course, “Mom! Put the angel back!” Afterward, in that same halting voice he says “Whew! We did it. Santa’s tree looks great, and just in time for a very Merry Christmas.”
And of course, there’s a song.
Awww, J.K., that's so cute. Who really needs anything else for Christmas when you have little kids around?
JK - That sounds adorable! Sorry to hear the play got cancelled. But I'm sure his performance for you was worth the snow!
I thought I'd be fine with my kiddo gone, but I miss her like crazy. Is it Sunday yet?
Janga broke out into song. Someone get George on the phone!
OMG, I'm so glad I wasn't drinking anything when I read Janga's song. Rum burns when you snort it out your nose. *clapping* This was brilliant! Thank you, Janga! I could totally sing along with it too!!!
JK, that is way adorable! *LOL* And hysterical. My niece Andrea was a wise man in the church play last Saturday. She informed us that she was not chosen because she was wise or anything, but because she was tall.
My fun with the pirate parody....parental discretion advised.
I saw Marnee playing peek-a-boo
Underneath the mizzenmast last night
I didn't see who with, but boy his back was stiff
I'm pretty sure that by the end she gave him quite a gift
I saw Si..in buffing Ranger's glock
Underneath the mizzenmast last night
She really took her time, and made that bad boy shine,
I thought that I would pass out when he took her from behind
Oh, I saw Captain kissing Captain Jack
Underneath the mizzenmast last night
It really was quite late, illegal in some states
I nearly tossed my cookies when she called him her first mate
*ROTFLMAO*
You guys are ON IT today! I'm so proud of all you all!
WTH Hellion? I can’t have “Peace on Earth and goodwill to all men”?
So let me get this straight. If I say the Peace thingie anyway Are you gonna knock me in the head with a Full rum bottle? Is it Good rum? And do I get to keep it? If I don’t get to keep the rum then ForgetAboutIt.
Still … Christmas without Peace & Earth & Goodwill just doesn’t feel right….
So how about “Peace and all the Good willing Men on Earth.”
Terri, that's hilarious!!
I'm still singing Terri's song. "I nearly tossed my cookies when she called him her first mate..."
*takes a bow*
Thank you, thank you very much.
All right, all right, you all can have your "Peace on earth, goodwill to all men"--you bunch of freaking do-gooders. And yes, Jules, you can keep the rum! There really is a Captain Jack!
And the more willing, the better!
Too much wine last night, I'm trying ta appreciate all the poems/songs. Polishing Ranger's glock...hee, hee. Got it.
Rollicking good times on the Revenge today, wish I were sharper...no, not that way!
I got the extra glitter, so Hugh, Ranger, Jack and all can be more than willing. ;)
Thanks fer lettin' me crawl on board and stay...
OK, FIVE PUBLISHED BOOKS!
Four bidding wars
Three requests
Two agents wanting more
And a cover I actu-al-ly love!
I'm not askin' fer the world...
*clapping* Everyone's parodying has been spot-on today! Great job everyone!!!
I like Chance's song. She's got the glitter and the glory!
What was I thinking! How could I have forgotten the Encore? Thank you, Ely!...and once more, absolutely my favorite song!!! (Though I kinda wonder where the sock came from that Janga hung out the door...we're more flip-flop people around here. Was George hiding it in the loin cloth?)
I have a feeling Cocks Gone Wild is going to be our new saying. Following anytime we mention glittery hoohas.
OMG!!! I get Gerry!!! Have I mentioned how much I LOVE LOVE LOVE Ely lately? LMAO!!!
I can't get over Janga saying, "Hello, lover." *giggles* This is just priceless!
It's certainly a Naughty Pirate Christmas around here. LOL!
Thank you, thank you. I think the sock came from Quantum's suggestion; it seemed funnier than hanging a Do Not Disturb sign on the door. *g*
Oh, that was so cute and incredibly funny! I hope you all have a Merry Christmas! And I hope you get everything you want for Christmas.:)
As for what I want...it's Eric Bana. I just watched Munich last night and *sigh* what a man. He's the best brooder(word?) in history! They need to create a brooding category for the Oscars. He'd win every year. I have yet to see a movie where he didn't brood.
I also want my Kindle. They're not sending it for at least eleven weeks.I blame Oprah for this*sniff*
Great blog!
How could we have forgotten the hole-y sock that started all this? LOL!
Kelly - I didn't want a Kindle until I held one in my hands. It really is cool. And considering how much space books are taking in my house, it's likely going to be a 2009 purchase for me.
Late to the party, again. I spent most of the day Christmas shopping. Came home in a panic at the expense, like I had a blank check or something. Almost vomited on the clerk. And I slept past noon today.
Love the parody. They are always so much fun and take the stress of the day away.
All I want for Christmas is a contract. And if I can't have that, then I want a horde of books to read while I hide in my cave. Actually, I asked for a wedding ring (lost mine years ago in a fit of rage) and a digital camera (lost mine to a stray pit bull, who thought it a good idea to jump on dd while she was filming) Oh, and a kitchen trash can. (Don't ask)
Merry Christmas everyone, and go buy books!!!!;)
Renee
Renee - I do hope you get all those things. Including the contract! How else am I going to get to find out what happens next?!?!
Our hostess with the mostess has hit the road due to weather. Apparently, the seas were getting a bit choppy in her area. LOL!
Cock and balls, cock and balls...it's Christmas time on the Revenge...
Stiff and tall, hear them call...it's Christmas time on the Revenge...
Happy Holidays to all and to all...glittery contracts!
(The
Cock and Balls...new drink! So, we have
The Glittery Hooha
The Bo'sun Burner
The Penis Pill
Silent as Sin
and...
The Cock and Balls
how about the Wild Cock?
I'm going to write a cocktail book next!) ;)
Don't forget Hell's Fire and the classiest drink on the ship, the Marneeay!
Thank you, Ely!
I didn't know Christian Bale lost! Well, not really, he found the way to the party!
I'll just be the entertained observer!
IG - You can't think we're going to let you sit around like a wallflower. I ordered the Polynesian dancers just for you!
http://static.orient-express.com/obor/images/300images/obor_300_firedance2.jpg
I love me some Christian Bale. Ely, you shouldn't have. :)
WHat's classy around here, Ter? *glancing around skeptically* Did I get on the wrong boat?
Terri,
hee hee! It's more entertaining to watch-really!
But thanks for the fire knife dancer--he can't even keep up with the heat of you pirates.
Renee-I wish and want for you to have the grandest contract. All you pirates deserve it.
Marnee--didn't Christian just light up the room?
IG - he was flashing, that's for sure....
Hmmm. That's just not acceptable to leave I.G. out of the festivities of Christmas parodies . . . so here you go, I.G.:
[Pirates and Vixens are on the ship when IslandGirl comes hula-ing her way in a green and red grass skirt and christmas bow bikini-styled bra]
Island Girl [singing]:
All I want for Christmas is some Christian Bale
Or James Purefoy or Daniel Craig
Any of these men will do
And when we stand under the mistletoe
You can rest assured
That kissing isn't the only thing we'll do
Ohhh, so all I want for Christmas is some hunky men
And an orgasm or two or three
[IslandGirl bows as everyone claps loudly, then is surrounded by many hunky male celebs]
Terri: What gives?
Ely: She gives good leis.
Hellion [rolling her eyes]: Oh god, this is what happens when I leave early!
Captain Jack: Who needs some more rum?
[All hands shoot up]
LMAO. Too good, Ely, too good. :) And so appropriate. :)
This might be the best damn Christmas party EVAH!!! LOL! IG gets all the good ones and deservedly so.
What just happened?!
LOL. I give FANTASTICAL LEI's.
Can I just sit in the front row please?!
OMG! You guys are a riot! I should have known when I saw 84 responses! You even got Janga to sing! What a party.
All I want for Christmas at this point is my health. I spent the morning in the doctor's office and the afternoon grocery shopping. I'm expecting 15 for dinner on Thursday and 32 for a family Christmas party/sleepover on Saturday and I haven't slept in about 4 nights! I've scored antibiotics and some codeine but I'm sure a case of rum wouldn't hurt either!
I.E.
Feel better soon!Get some sleep sometime between now and the parties!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Ely! We could keep this party going until December 2009. LOL!
Irish, feel better soon!
I just want to go on record as saying that not one work I said needs to be bleeped. I mean just in case this joint gets raided by Americans for Clean Language or some similar watchdog group. :)
I ADORE THIS &^%$!! BLOG!!!
You are all masters of ALL you command! Here! Here! to the whole shabang. It reminds me of our early days on the EJ/JQ BB when there was a rake in every stocking. And let me tell you - they were some pretty big stockings, if you know what I mean. Nudge. Nudge. Wink. Wink.
Come on guys, a few more comments will give the Cap'n her maiden century!
Boy, What a riot.
Elly, you have excelled yourself.
So let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.
So this be why my stocking never gets filled....I shall have to be good this year.
Don't you all just love to experiment! :D
We might as well keep the party going today. Though I'm not sure if anyone but me is still aboard. LOL! I guess someone has to keep this vessel afloat!
I'm here! :) Though I do need to go grocery shopping for breakfast tomorrow with the clan.
Terri, I'm still sitting in the front row waiting and watching for your very next move.
I think Marnee took Christian with her shopping. Which she completely reminded me, I have to do that too for tomorrows breakfast. *SIGH* No rest on the holidays!
I'm at work, but I still need to do more Christmas shopping. I just started last night. LOL! I'm hoping the boss will let us out early and I can hit the mall here by work. Then I need to go home and put up my tree! Damn, I'm so far behind. LOL!
Thanks for hanging with me, IG. What's on the menu for breakfast?
Ham/Bacon and eggs croissants.
Fresh pineapple.
Wassail.
Hot Cocoa with peppermint.
Pani Popo (coconut rolls)
Scones (the kids have been asking for them)
Make yoursel-yogurt-parfaits. The kiddies have fun with that.
That's enough for them. I would have to get up earlier. But their excitement is so worth it.
Have you talked to Isabel? I have a feeling you're going to get everything done in time. Have thin lips help you.
Forgot to say thanks for hanging in there, Marn. And don't forget that extra rum at the store!
LOL! He does not have thin lips! That dratted Ely! *shakes fist* Well, anyway, I've talked to her twice since left. TWICE. Grrrrrrr.....
I'll get it all done. And how did I know there would be pinapple in there somewhere? I may be an idiot, but what is Wassail? I've heard of it (in that old song) but have no idea what it is.
Victory is mine! And the spoils! Hazzah! A great success with the cinnamon rolls last night, they are delictible...mmmm! Buttery, sweet, flaky...can't ya just smell 'em!
So glad I didn't have to dress up fer the Cap'n's skit... But tendin' the bar is a great responsibility. Good thing I keep me pistol handy ta fend off Jack or they'd be no rum fer the rest a' us!
Hope all enjoy the last day a' madness and the flights magically catch up so no one is left behind...
My wassail is cider without the liqour. Maybe, I'll just make a punch. LOL.
2nd Chance emerges victorious!
I'm still waiting for my dough to rise.
Give Isabel my love. I wish our children lived closer. Could you imagine?!
I'm back. The grocery store was Ridiculous. I swear, a little old lady almost ran me (with my 2 year old in the basket of my cart) down and she was all, "EXCUSEEEE me!" with that face, the one that's more "move your ass out my way" and less "excuse me."
But I'm ready for breakfast.
We're having bagels, sticky buns, egg and bacon casserole, fruit, and donuts. Coffee, tea, OJ, and hot cocoa as drinks. I think it'll be yum. The MIL/FIL and grandma in law are all coming to watch the little terror open his gifts from santa. Should be fun this year.
The little terror. Cute. LOL! Glad you survived. I'm finally out of here (last one as usual!) and I'm headed to the mall. If you never hear from me again, you'll know why.
Chance - To the victor go the spoils! What does that mean, exactly?
IG - Oh, that would be awesome! But I'm not moving to Chi-town. So start packing now, sister!
To the victor goes the spoils! hmmm. Does beg the question...who wants the spoils? Exactly what is a spoil?
To the victor goes the cinnamon rolls and the sweet demand that the husband perform the fab OS on me...to me? For me? I was owed!
He's making lumpia today. Filipino eggrolls...asked what he gets when they are done! ;)
It's good to be without child running about...
We reached the century mark!
Carolling pirates? Now I've seen everything. Well, actually get Hugh to ditch the rum barrel and I'll see everything (leers invitingly!). Happy Christmas, my ruthless matees of the High Seas! May Santa bring you everything you want - and some in doubles so there's no squabbling!
She's Done it!!!!!
Hellion my hero...er heroine.
She has broken the 100 posts barrier.....and on Christmas Eve.
What a feat!
Forget Bannister and the 4 minute mile. Forget all those American swimming Gold medals. Hellion is the new Centurion, The writers Champ, The lass with the Golden pen, The lyrical Genius, The...words fail me!
Terri, give the lass a drink, she must be exhausted.
I'll have one too. Make that pints of foaming rum all round.....And double for Anna *grin*
Here's to Hellion of the Golden Pen.
She makes us laugh, She makes us cry.
We shall never see her like again
All together now, glasses at the ready for the Christmas toast, after me in unison.
To HELLION THE CENTURION. Long may her magic rule the seas.
Bottoms up and down the hatch. :lol:
One of our favorite guest pirates - ANNA! Merry Christmas, woman! Thanks for stopping by.
Q - that might be the best dang toast I've ever heard. *slides glasses of rum down the bar then raises glass* Here's to the Captain!
I'm a little teary-eyed. I've never been toasted before. Thanks, you guys...and thanks for hanging around and boosting my numbers and making this blog so much fun. Hugs to you all! I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas... I love all you guys!
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