First Words
I have been having a love/hate relationship with my first page.
This week, it’s more hate than love.
A first page has to drag the reader under and make them not want to come up for a breath. It needs to be smooth. It needs to be compelling and enticing. It needs to have them begging for more.
Sadly, mine is bumpy, boring, and begs for the lighter to incinerate that puppy.
Ok, ok, it isn’t that bad. But it isn’t perfect yet either.
I have already cut off (between first-first draft and currently first draft) about three pages. I wanted to get right to the action. But I've been debating cutting off even more.
I read everywhere that agents/editors can tell so much about you in the first pages. And I want my pages to tell them whatever it is they need to hear to get them to sign me up.
My love affair with my first line has also taken a sour turn. Not that I am in severe hatred of it, but it just isn't right yet.
“At the witching hour, Miss Corinne Wagner employed her supernatural powers for a pressing task: silencing her grumbling belly.”
It’s certainly no “Call me Ishmael."
On the positive side, it tells a lot about my story. It says my heroine has magic powers. Sort of important to know. And, it expresses my light tone. My witches aren’t dark or brooding, so I wanted to give that away quickly.
On the negative side, it doesn’t have the punch I wish it had.
One of my CPs told me that I will likely never love my first page. I’d imagine, in her infinite wisdom, that she’s right. But I’ve reached obsessive proportions. I can’t help myself from tweaking it again and again, hoping that I stumble across the exactly right configuration. Then, maybe, I’ll stop.
So, what’s your first line? How has it changed? And if you don't feel like sharing, what do you like best in first lines? Any other famous first lines that really strike you?
Books by the Crew
41 comments:
FIRST.
Yeah, I'm a geek.
Anyway, my infinitely wise self has an AWESOME story about "Call me Ishmael." I wrote a paper in eighth grade for an obsessive English Nazi (and, if you don't know me like Marnee does, my calling someone an English Nazi says a TON, since I know every rule up and down). It was on The Scarlet Pimpernel, and one line of the paper was "He called himself the Scarlet Pimpernel."
The day after the paper was turned in, we learned about apposition. And the teacher took off two points for my failure to write "He called himself, the Scarlet Pimpernel." Because obviously the reflexive direct object there is an appositive for the indirect object. NOT.
My mother (English BA) (BA stands for bachelor of arts there, not something else, LOL) took the teacher to task for that one. She told the teacher, "That would make the most famous line in all literature 'Call me, Ishmael.'" Just don't call me collect, eh?
I got the two points.
Well, back to the topic now, eh?
I'm back to struggling with chapter 1, including the first page, too. One of my CPs recommended rewriting it as a short story (as an exercise), so I would have to get in all the pertinent information.
I'm practicing this intriguing exercise right now. Unless DD is actually asleep. Then I'm going to bed.
I think that almost every writer has a problem with his/her writing whether it be the first page or the last. I've read a lot of first lines that don't necessarily grab the reader's attention, so I don't think a first line has to follow that rule. Marnee, you're not even done with revisions so give yourself a break and not beat yourself up so much (a very hard Virgo trait to break, I know).
Marnee, your first line suggests to me that Connie is simply hungry and needs some breakfast...no need to invoke the supernatural!
I find that a short prologue usually grabs me if I'm going to be grabbed. This feature is God's gift to authors. It's perfect for displaying your skills in a nutshell and can reveal enough about your main characters/plot to whet the readers appetite. Also allows Editors/agents to rapidly assess your potential.
After the prologue your first sentence might go something like:
'After her perilous journey through time, Connie thankfully returned to the bed where her husband still slept like a baby; it became imperative to silence her grumbling belly to avoid disturbing him and for the last time that night she murmured the magic words....'
Sorry Marnee, I just can't resist meddling with magic. *g*
I think I have to go with Ely, on this. You never like your own stuff.
Most of you know my first line/paragraph in Hidden Beauty... but I'll give it to you, again: “What do you mean you’ve sold me? I’m your wife, for heaven’s sake!”
Maggie has the best first line, ever, for Paradise. She'll have to share that though. :)
I think your fine, Marnee. What you have to keep in mind for that first page, and what usually keeps readers in tune, is to have lots of action. So the reader is immediately in the characters head and going through the motions, if you will.
I think for ITN I had about a million first lines. Draft on I deleted the first three chapters to start at a diff point. Draft two I rewrote it. Draft three I tightened it in the form of more deletions. Draft four I scrapped the first 50 pages and started all over again. :) I am so happy I didn't have to do this for HB. Jinan was just there.
LOL, Tiff. Paradise's infamous first line. I'll share, I'm not shy: When he was done, she’d be the greatest whore in all Christendom.
I'm working on Mistress by Mistake now, and these are the first lines:“Honestly, Charlie! You’re ruined anyway! What difference does it make?”
Mistress by Midnight:Laurette knew precisely what she must do. Again. Had known even before her baby brother had fallen so firmly into the Marquess of Conover’s clutches.
I see a trend of fallen women in my future...
And I read just the other day that you can "tell" by first pages, although I'd rather have at least a chapter's worth of words to make my case. Contests are particularly tough. I've only noticed first lines since I've been writing, and most of them are not "gotchas" by any stretch. Don't worry!
For anyone not familiar, Jordan has a degree in Linguistics. She really does know all the grammar rules up and down. :)
That's hilarious about your English teacher. LOL!! Never heard of creative interpretation, huh? LOL!!
And your first page is great. I like your first like and I like Margaux lots since the first incarnation. You needn't worry.
Elyssa - You're right of course. I do trend toward the Virgo "anything less than perfection in myself is unacceptable" qualities. LOL!! In fact, I trend toward most of the Virgo traits. Frustrating.
I will attempt (and I say attempt because obsessive nitpicking, especially of myself, is ingrained) to avoid over-analyzing until I'm through round one of revisions.
Q - LOL!! You're funny. Actually, here's the rest of the first few lines....
"At the witching hour, Miss Corinne Wagner employed her supernatural powers for a pressing task: silencing her grumbling belly.
Cory’s slight hand gestures made the kitchen cabinet doors at Masonfeld House spring open and the contents of the cabinets shuffle around for her inspection.
When the unsettling dream of the past nights awakened her again, hunger pains had insisted on her current foray to the kitchen. If her sister -- the one who ordinarily experienced prophetic dreams and saw the future – didn’t discover why the dark man in Cory’s dreams continued disrupting her rest soon Cory would have difficulty fitting into her ball gowns."
I have considered a prologue, but I just haven't settled on it yet. WHo knows? I'd imagine that by the time I'm done with revisions I'll know better.
Tiff - I love that first line!!! Heartbreaking but funny at the same time. :) Well done!!
I have debated starting a little bit later. A page later puts her right in contact with the hero, flat on her butt after being knocked down by a door. I think I'll probably mess with it and see if it works.
After I finished first round of revisions....
Maggie - Tiff's right; Paradise's first line is awesome. LOL!! But I like all three. Great job. :) And there's nothing wrong with fallen women. I think they're fun to read.
I agree about at least a chapter to make my case. Though I've read the arguments for using the first few pages and why they disregard so quickly, it does put the stress on us, doesn't it?
My first line for Immortal Kiss is dialogue, but it goes something along the lines of "Get off your ass and give me a hand over here."
I have a little work to get done this morning but wanted to say great topic and great blog, Marn. I've already cut off the first 100 pages of my WIP and I've never made it past chapter 6. LOL! I don't want to think about what I'll do to the thing if I ever get to the revision stage!
JK - That definitely gets the action moving. At least it usually does when I say something like that at my house. LOL!!
Ter - I've cut out hundreds of pages so far. I keep them in a separate file so I don't feel as bad about it. If I just delete them I feel like they never existed. At least now they still exist, just not in "this" story. :)
I can't remember what my first lines are for any of my WIP. I figure I will change it anyway. I always do. I know mine usually open up sarcastic windows for my heroines to jump out of- mostly like Sadie's first line in Double Vision has to do with a bunch of vultures circling overhead, but she's talking about the wake crowd at her parents house. When you have money everyone wants to get involved. Libby's first line in At First Taste is more subdued. That story starts out in a prologue and Libby just got off a plane from Milan and she remarks to her dad that she doesn't know how he jetsets around the world and never slows down. And he looks over at her with a fatherly grin and says something smart assed to her. A split second later, the accident happens and her father dies and really, so does Libby.
Even in books that I read, it's not the first line that catches my attention. It's the way the book draws me into the plot in the middle. I never read the first page when I pick up a book to buy or borrow. I envy writers who are strong off the bat. I sure as hell don't want to start at the beginning and give myself more of a complex. LOL
Sin - your method is smarter than mine. I've been stressing my first page since the very beginning. I should save it for the end and stop fretting. It's really paralyzing. :(
I have no smart methods. Most of my writing tendencies are hold overs from writing fan fiction. LOL
GOGU's first line (currently, but I'm sure it'll change again): I met Ben Tucker on the loneliest night of the year for a single girl over a certain age: New Year's Eve.
First lines of A&E's story: COUNSELOR: Today is September 23. This is the three-hundred thousand and five hundredth session of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. They have been coming for regular weekly visits for six thousand and ten years. Gabby, please transcribe the session verbatim. Okay, we may begin. Adam, please start with how you feel.
(I rather like that as an opening line, just because it's so...goofy. It feels like its taking itself seriously, but it's absolutely ridiculous. *LOL*)
The Regency I started (no title), it's first lines are:
The time had come to pick a wife.
Allister Lamont, Viscount of Kilmarnock, stared about the ballroom, among the sea of pastel colors and sweeping headpieces, and tried to determine which of the Season’s originals, hopefuls, and diamonds would be silly enough to marry his brother. He only needed one, and being it was in his extensive experience that London was flooded with silly young misses who desired nothing more than a flattering compliment and a smile from a rake for them to lose any sense that they might have had, he felt he was in the perfect locale to find a wife for his errant sibling.
Beau was full of pandering praises and salacious smiles, so it should be nothing more than shooting fish in a barrel to find him a bride.
The key was going to be never letting the rogue know they were in London to find him a wife.
(Unfortunately, my ability to write a regency dwindled severely after this paragraph.)
The first line of Letting Go is dialogue.
"The universe is conspiring against me. It's trying to drive me crazy. Lucky for the universe, it's a short trip."
The first line of My Anna, an Erotic Romance short story is a statement of fact I think many women would agree with.
There’s nothing like raging hormones, a heat wave and a sexy, younger man to throw a woman completely off kilter.
And I figure if we're talking about great first lines, we have to bring up the first line of Pride & Prejudice.
IT is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Great topic. I'll state it here for all of blogdom to note - I hate the whole first line debate. I don't look to first lines in a book to grab me. Now many authors use quotes as chapter headings and those always intrigue me.
So what's a newbie to do?
I'll give you two of my first lines to SM. Tell me which you like better. The third one is from Book Three of my series which is quickly becoming book two, if not book one, lol.
"Melissa unlocked the door to her newly renovated restaurant in what used to be her uncle’s store."
Try to stay awake now, friends.
Melissa Santini was a woman who was always in control of every aspect of her life and she wasn't about to let a little thing like the delayed opening of her restaurant change that.
Book Three:
No matter how Nola massaged the numbers, they still added up to a big fat ZERO - she was going to have to kill him for that.
I know I'll probably change them again but I hope I have enough to get those first readers (agents and editors) to read on.
I'd rather do a prologue but I don't think they're as popular as they once were.
Marnee - you're smart to keep your deleted pages in a separate file. A friend of mine was just picked up by an agent and all the revisions she suggested were in the pages the poor woman initially took out in the first place!
Oh, and Maggie, that first line for Paradise has always been one of my favorites.
I should say I kept all the deleted pages. I know there is stuff in there that is backstory I'll have to work in later in the book. So the pages are gone but not *really* gone. LOL!
Santa - I love the third line! And I think you're right, I hear all the time the prologue is out for now.
Captain - I love the therapy session first line. And the NYE one is perfect. That books starts in exactly the right spot!
I heard prologues are out, too. I forced myself to write one just in case my opening wasn't dramatic enough (and managed to make my prologue exactly 100 words). And then I worked on trying to tap into the obviously-not-as-obvious-as-I-thought-it-was tension in the first scene. I think that helped.
(Thanks, Marn!)
Old first lines:
“It was just an amazing confluence of fortuity that brought this exhibition here today.” Fredrick’s voice echoed from the next room. He sounded like he’d been studying the thesaurus. “Everything has just fallen into place.”
New ones:
A matter of seconds until Fredrick arrived with the reporters--and her biggest test would begin. She’d finally have to tell the lie they’d been working up to for the last year.
These works were by Marcel Duchamp.
I always keep my deleted stuff. Except for last week when I decided to move a four page scene and apparently lost it from the clipboard. Sigh. Luckily I still had an draft, but it didn't have all my lovely editing. Okay, so I might have changed maybe four words. But still.
I finished rewriting the first scene as a SS in 1st person present tense (which I hate reading, and is weird to write when you're used to past tense). It was a fun experiment and it really got me closer to the character--and turned up some good lines that might be better and faster than the ones I have in there now.
Okay, I see no problem with your fist line. It sets up everything I need to know quickly(as you pointed out: the light tone and the supernatural element. It tells me about your heroine, and it even gives me a time of day).
Now, I am still in love with my first line but my problem is that I can't live up to it. I've tried again and again to write the scene that follows to be as interesting as the first line but it always falls flat.
My first line is(if you're curious):
"I have a proposition for you."
My mom met a children's book author the other day and cornered her for writing advice for me(I LOVE my mom!). The author said that every writer should sit down and read the first line to Charlotte's Web before starting.
The first line is: "Where's Papa going with that ax?" said Fern to her mother as they were setting the table for breakfast.
She said that that line sets up time, place, who Fern is(she's helpful to her mother and a curious sort), it shows that her parents are married, gives a glimpse into the normality of her world, and reveals the inciting incident-getting right down to the action. She said much more but I can't remember. Sorry!
She also said that every writer should strive for what E.B. White attained with that one line. It is also interesting to note that after E.B White's death they found his notes from Charlotte's Web and discovered that he had rewritten that first line several hundred times trying to make it perfect.
Good luck, Marnee! But you have nothing to worry about. You're extremely talented and will arrive at the line that makes you feel exactly right(or at least darn close. I don't know that any author is ever 100% about their own work. It seems that we either far underestimeate our abilites or overestimate them*g*).
make that *first line...
Kelly - that's great advice about the CW first line. I'd never thought of that though I'm sure I've heard it all before. That's an amazing amount of info for one line. And the first line at that!
I knew my first lines would likely change, but I didn't realize by how much. LOL!
Hellion - I love your beginnings, especially the A&E story. I think it is ridiculous, but hilarious. And I didn't know you'd ever started a historical. The first paragraphs you gave are great.
Ter - I like your first lines and I love love the first line of P&P. I think Jane Austen is one of the wittiest romance writers ever.
Santa - I love the third line a lot! And I like when authors start with quotes too. I always wonder why they picked them and look for the answers as I read.
Jordan - I'm glad your little writing exercise was a success. And I like what has happened with your first lines. Fredrick. Yeesh.
Kelly - What a wealth of information! Thanks for sharing! That is a great line. It sets up suspense too and you can't ever go wrong there.
Your compliments are incredibly sweet. :) Thank you very much. I hope I get closer to the perfect line too. And you're so right; it seems we never see ourselves clearly. Thank goodness for CPs and beta readers.
And it does make me feel better that EB White rewrote his first line a lot. Not that I'm in that realm of greatness, but at least I'm not abnormal.
Marn - I'm pretty sure just being writers makes us abnormal people. LOL! Or is that just me?
Great blog, Marnee! I feel your pain about the first page and the first sentence.
My first line: "Kate was driving her slightly used carriage, a Honda civic, as she pulled up to her newly purchased castle, minus one Prince Charming."
It has changed about 100 times. Her name has changed about 15 and I'm still not set on Kate. Since I'm very linear I feel the need to stay stuck until I can work through it, but I've been pushing myself to let it go and move on.
Irish, that's a great opening line! (And I love the name Kate...I think you should stick with it. It sounds modern, but timeless--very much what a contemporary fairy tale should be.)
I'm late today, but great topic Marn! I like your first line - you're right it gives lots of info.
I've never been a big fan of mine, but for some reason, everyone else who's read it has loved it, so maybe I'll leave it.
As it stands now, it's: One step to his left and Noah Cole would have been dead. The only thing that saved him was the small girl across the street with the ice cream cone.
Of course, this is in a prologue, which I know, I know, I'm not supposed to do. But it's all action (no backstory), if that makes it better. For contests, I've just tacked it on as scene 1 of chapter 1, but for whatever reason, I like it better as a prologue.
I think my favorite first line is from Margret Atwood's "The Blind Assassin": Ten days after the war ended, my sister Laura drove her car off a bridge." I don't know why, but that one's stuck with me for years.
Haleigh, I love both of the lines you provided. They both pulled me in immediately. I'll have to read that Margret Atwood book. I'll also anticipate reading yours. That really is a great first line.:)
Thanks Kelly! Too bad I kill the little girl three paragraphs later! lol.
I think EB White is far more the rule than the exception! Who is it that said that there are no good writers, only good rewriters?
(Oh, here's the quote: I'm not a very good writer, but I'm an excellent rewriter—James Michener.)
And, naturally, I must share my favorite first line:
In my younger and more vulnerable years
(the rest of the sentence is: my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since.)
Name that book.
I know, I know. It's not even a challenge.
I'm so late I missed the party completely. :(
Jordan, I love your "Call me Ishmael" story. Cheers for your mom. And isn't it too bad that Fitzgerald didn't do as well with his first line in his other novels as he did in Gatsby?
I'm impressed with all the opening lines posted here today.
One of my favorites is "Once upon a time, there was a woman who discovered she had turned into the wrong person" (Anne Tyler, Back When We Were Grownups). I am also in awe of Loretta Chase's opening in Your Scandalous Ways:"Penises. Everywhere." I'm pretty sure that I'll never write an opening as memorable as these examples, but I am reasonably content with the opening line of TLWH: "Dori Marshall was wide awake, but she refused to open her eyes."
PS Sorry I am late tonight, I had to go to my grandmom-in-law's for dinner.
Irish - I like that. Used carriage, Honda Civic. LOL!! That's great. :)
Haleigh - Yours is great too! The little girl with the ice cream cone, what a great image. And I've never read that Atwood book, but I like her a lot.
Janga - "Penises. Everywhere." That's awesome! I haven't read but that sure makes me want to.
I like your first line too. I think you're right to be content. :)
Janga, I, too, am totally running out and buying that Loretta Chase book. I don't know why I skipped it before.
Also, this:“Dori Marshall was wide awake, but she refused to open her eyes.”
Is fantastic. My mind is filled with a million different questions. Well done.:)
I'm a little late to the conversation, but I have to say my favorite type of first line is dialog. As a general trend, I love reading conversations between characters and have been known to skip through pages looking for dialog to read before committing to buying a book.
Books that open mid-conversation are a winner with pulling me into the story. I guess I'm nosey.
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