Friday, March 28, 2008
The Power of Praise
From an early age I was taught to show respect, and gratitude to others. I learned to treat others as I wanted to be treated. As a reader I can’t help but feel gratitude toward some of my favorite authors. They inspire me and provide me with hours of gratified reading. I call my favorite authors the Dream Team. I make a point to buy their books as soon as they are released, and if I haven’t met them, I’ve sent them an email expressing my appreciation for their work. It doesn’t disappointment me if I never receive a response, as long as I am able to express my awe at their talent, I feel fulfilled.
I believe that no matter how successful you become, you always benefit from praise.
The praise I have received in the past is what drives me to become something more. In my writing life, praise is what fuels my confidence. The first time I posted a chapter of fan fiction no one left me a review. I took it as an indication that it was bad, and in hindsight I know it lacked grammatical skill. I’ve received good and bad reviews, and some of the better ones I can still recite. What made me believe in myself as a writer was a review left by one of my fellow pirates. I admire everything that she writes, and in praising me, she gave me what I craved the most-validation. It’s wonderful to receive praise from family and friends, but when a fellow writer gives you kudos it means something. It gives you the confidence to persevere.
In times when my confidence is at a low point I pick up a book by a favorite author and find inspiration within the pages. All authors have a launching point. Every writer’s success begins with a story. I may not have the talent of the authors on my Dream Team, but I have the same opportunities. With hard work and determination I can accomplish my dreams. Although a writer benefits from praise from a peer, their sustaining confidence comes from within. It’s the kind of confidence that kicks in at 2AM when you’re all alone and struggling to find the right words.
“Can’t never does anything.”
I’ve heard that phrase all my life, and it holds much truth. In our writing lives, can’t should be erased from our vocabulary. Yesterday, Marnee blogged about writing historical romance. I’ve often said I don’t have the voice to write a historical romance. In hindsight I should say I could if I had the desire. It’s a common occurrence to avoid things that are the most difficult to attempt. As writers we know our strengths and weaknesses. We obviously choose to write the type of romance we feel we express well. I often forget that some of the best stories I’ve written I considered out of my comfort zone. Once again the key to expression is confidence.
If we believe we achieve.
What fuels your confidence? Do you believe praise is an important component to a writer’s determination, or do you believe confidence is more effective when it comes from within? Do you ever voice praise to your favorite authors?
I believe that no matter how successful you become, you always benefit from praise.
The praise I have received in the past is what drives me to become something more. In my writing life, praise is what fuels my confidence. The first time I posted a chapter of fan fiction no one left me a review. I took it as an indication that it was bad, and in hindsight I know it lacked grammatical skill. I’ve received good and bad reviews, and some of the better ones I can still recite. What made me believe in myself as a writer was a review left by one of my fellow pirates. I admire everything that she writes, and in praising me, she gave me what I craved the most-validation. It’s wonderful to receive praise from family and friends, but when a fellow writer gives you kudos it means something. It gives you the confidence to persevere.
In times when my confidence is at a low point I pick up a book by a favorite author and find inspiration within the pages. All authors have a launching point. Every writer’s success begins with a story. I may not have the talent of the authors on my Dream Team, but I have the same opportunities. With hard work and determination I can accomplish my dreams. Although a writer benefits from praise from a peer, their sustaining confidence comes from within. It’s the kind of confidence that kicks in at 2AM when you’re all alone and struggling to find the right words.
“Can’t never does anything.”
I’ve heard that phrase all my life, and it holds much truth. In our writing lives, can’t should be erased from our vocabulary. Yesterday, Marnee blogged about writing historical romance. I’ve often said I don’t have the voice to write a historical romance. In hindsight I should say I could if I had the desire. It’s a common occurrence to avoid things that are the most difficult to attempt. As writers we know our strengths and weaknesses. We obviously choose to write the type of romance we feel we express well. I often forget that some of the best stories I’ve written I considered out of my comfort zone. Once again the key to expression is confidence.
If we believe we achieve.
What fuels your confidence? Do you believe praise is an important component to a writer’s determination, or do you believe confidence is more effective when it comes from within? Do you ever voice praise to your favorite authors?
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29 comments:
I've heard, "Can't won't get you nowhere" all my life. Of course, the usage of double negatives gets on people's nerves, but that's how I grew up. I know words that I'm not sure are actual words. Living in the country will do that to you.
I believe every needs praise. Whether you are a writer or not. Praise is an essential part of being who you are. When you go a long time without it, it becomes very awkward to accept it and thank people for it without tripping all over yourself, saying that you don't deserve it. Geniunely, we think we don't deserve praise and we say thank you and that we really didn't deserve it, but it's in the eyes of the beholder.
And Lisa, the first time I posted a chapter, I didn't have one review either. In fact, my first review came from PI and it was in the form of, "Hm." LOL We live and we learn.
What fuels your confidence?
That would have to be praise-everyone needs that. But also I have an amazing family and friends that support me every step of the way. I couldn't do anything without them.
Do you believe praise is an important component to a writer’s determination, or do you believe confidence is more effective when it comes from within?
I'd have to say both to this. The praise factor is very important, but it can be fleeting. And if you haven't received praise in a while you can begin to doubt yourself. That's when inner confidence is so important.
Do you ever voice praise to your favorite authors?
I do often write my favorite authors to tell them when they've particuarly wowed me. I love the idea of making their days a bit nicer. And ,hopefully, someday some fan will do that for me.
I have started looking forward to the Friday blog, when I'm around to read it that is. Lisa, you have a knack of firing up my neurons over breakfast. I think you are better than the BBC's 'Thought for the Day' and if I had any influence there, I would recommend you for the spot!
I don't think that praise as such is particularly important.You know when you have written something worthwhile and if it stimulates others to comment or analytically criticise, then that's the best reward. It means that you have made an impact and set people thinking......fired up the neurons!
I don't think that I have ever written to a favourite author simply to praise their work. I have written for info though, or to make suggestions....most of which get ignored I should say *g*
The fact that I took time to write at all should be praise enough.
I do make an exception for pirates and vagabonds though....cus I know there's a scotch in it for me if I'm lucky. *g*
Nice Blog Lisa.....I took time to comment you see *w*
I praise my inspiring favorites every chance I get---on my blog, when they visit other blogs, very occasionally through e-mail. I don't want to seem like a stalker!
My husband has a saying: "He can't get out of his own way." I think that pretty much sums up some of my difficulties. I will never be totally confident; I think it has to do with my upbringing, where good was never good enough (Everybody say aww and contribute to my therapy fund). I vacillate between wowing myself and wondering WTF. But keeping positive is the key.
Sin I'm a country girl too. I live in the land of double negatives. It's okay, it's the life I'm used too and I wouldn't change it.
I agree, the more infrequent the praise the harder it is too accept. I've always felt akward accepting compliments,but I've learned to use them in my adult life, and it seems they come just when I need them the most. And yes my dear, we do live and learn:)
Kelly, I agree, we benefit from praise from others, as well as internal confidence. The confidence we muster on our own sustains us. I hope that in your future you have many fans who send praise your way;)
Q, I look forward to your comments as well. *g*
I will take your compliments to heart, and use them to fuel my confidence. Thank you.
A spot with the BBC, now that would be the berries:)
Magggie, We must have shared the same kind of upbringing. If I received an A on my report card I could still get an A + the next time. And I like you husband's phrase, I've heard that all my life too.
I struggle everyday with confidence, and it appears when I least expect it.
Terrific topic, Lis. I think having confidence or not stems from your childhood, which Maggie mentioned above. Somehow, and I have no idea how, I've always had the confidence that I could do anything I wanted to do. Part of it is probably my father telling me I could do anything from my earliest memory, and the other part might have to do with modeling in pageants at a very young age.
I've spent much time trying to figure out how to pass this on to my daughter. I sure hope it's working.
Writing is probably the first thing I've done where I don't have confidence all the time. Which is why positive feedback is SO important and negative feedback destroys me for a while. I do believe I can do this or I never would have devoted so much time and money to it. But getting a good reaction from those I let read my stuff is priceless.
Great Blog Lis!
I think for me confidence is the key and, as Maggie said, a positive outlook. Praise is a component of that, I guess, along with a lot of self-forgiveness and determination to master my skills.
I just remember when I'm feeling discouraged that words can be changed and that the most part of my WIP is the "in progress" part.
Marnee, I like the point you made. Words can be changed in our WIP. It's not written in stone, and revisions can be a beautiful thing. Thank you for making that point.
Ter, You hit the nail on the head. Self esteem develops in early childhood. I had someone in my life at an early age who tore me down at every turn. I learned to use my anger and stubborness to turn the negative into a positive. Confidence can be a learned trait. I've been fueled many times in my life by someone telling me I couldn't do something.
Ter, also I agree about negative reviews. I take a long time to bounce back, it's amazing how a few words can destroy confidence.
Lisa - great point about turning things into a challenge. I CANNOT resist a challenge. I HAVE to prove the person/people wrong.
So perhaps the fact that my mother, unlike my father, never really believes I'll do anything I say I'm going to do, will make it all the sweeter when I FINALLY finish this WIP. LOL!
What fuels my confidence?
Hmm...let's see. I have no damn idea. I just dig my heels in and go. Most of it has to do with living in NYC. I wasn't born in this country. I came from a tiny Caribbean island off the coast of Venezuela, and growing up I was the most shy person you could ever meet. So imagine my culture shock in moving to NYC with my husband. My confidence was built up just by traveling on the subway....especially during rush hour. *shudder*
As for being praised, I get minimal amounts....especially on my blog where I post random stories of my characters lives. If you look at the comments section it's mostly 0's. But I keep plodding on. My hit counter is my praise meter. I get my jollies from seeing it go higher and higher everyday. Man, I'm so damn easy to please!
Maybe it's just me, but I enjoy my characters so much that I write because I know they would want their stories told. I get my adventures through them, cause I know in real life there is no way I would be working for the FBI or running bad guys down in the back alleys of NYC.
So to summarize, being praised is somewhat essential, but for me I just enjoy writing and getting to live vicariously through my characters. Am I pathetic or what?
As for voicing praise to other writers, hell to the yeah! Sin, Lisa and Haleigh have all received emails from me expressing my gratefulness for their writing. The first time I read anything by Sin I was about to write a review, but I didn't even think it would even express how much I enjoyed her giving me some escapism. Plus I didn't want my comments to get lost in the sea of other reviews because I felt she deserved like a trophy or something, so I crafted my sappy email and sent it off. Then when she emailed back I almost fell on the floor with excitement. Tears welled up in my eyes. Lawd I'm sappy!
Then I read Lisa's stories. OMG!!! The smut was amazing. Even the build up to the smut was amazing. I wanted to be as smutty as Lisa....eeerrrr...in my writing, so I had to send her a gushing email. And then I found out she had more stories that wasn't posted up so I had to send another gushing, begging email.
Then lo and behold Haleigh shows up, and just when I thought Sin and Lisa had spoiled me with their magically delicious smut and plots, in sashays Haleigh with things I could never even think up between Steph and Ranger.
I believe that when something is done right and affects you in a positive way the person or persons responsible should be acknowledged.
Ter, My dad passed away eight years ago, he was my biggest cheerleader. I miss him, not just for the fact that he thought I could do no wrong, but for the example he always made of his life.
My mom believes in me, she just has a different way of expressing herself , it borders on placation, if that makes sense.
Geisha, You my dear have just filled my coffers of confidence for the next several weeks:) Your reviews have meant so much to me. You have reason to be proud of your own success. You are an extremely talented writer. I love that your web counter is your confidence, that's why I love FF.net, it's amazing what that hit counter can do for your ego:)
My smut doesn't hold a candle to Sin's, the smut that girl writes can make a nun give up her habit:)
I love to write authors and say, "Great job!" I haven't written J.K. Rowling yet and thanked her, but I feel like she's too well-known to appreciate my praise and gushing. Plus I do feel a bit sheepish to be as old as I am and feel this passionately about "children's novels."
Personally I live for praise and validation. I don't believe it of course, but secretly it strokes my ego and I press on. But praise for me is a double-edged sword; I get a bit complacent if I get a lot of praise--so I need to balance it with my Dad's comments that "Oh, who'd publish you?" or "That crap again?" (which he hasn't done lately--so I have to replay them from times he *has* said them and act like they're true). For some reason, PROVING SOMEONE WRONG is a far bigger motivator for me than someone telling me "Hey, this is good."
Q, I do love a man who can be bribed. *LOL, hands him a bottle of Scotch*
Hellion, you reminded me and I know exactly what ya mean. When I have my pessimistic/ discouraging thoughts I'm always more motivated*g*.
*raises hand* I had those parents!!! I got a B in Algebra (which considering what I felt about Algebra was darned good) and my mother bought me books to improve my grades, because I wasn't doing good enough! I was like, "I'm above average! Would you like to meet everyone who got a C in that class?"
It still amazes me that of the four kids in my family, I was the ONLY ONE who was not supposed to get Bs and Cs. My sister barely made it through with Cs and some Ds. Except in the classes where I did her homework. Have I mentioned she is three years OLDER than I am?
My little brothers skated through with low grades. Heck, the one probably shouldn't have passes some of those years. But if I got a B it was "Why?"
Yeah, my brother & sister scraped out with Cs or the occasional B...but mostly Cs, I believe. When I pointed out it was unfair to hold me to this standard when I'd already exceeded my siblings, my Dad said, "Well, we expect more because you're smarter...and you like school."
Yeah, like that made sense.
The thing is now I'm pushing my little one. School came very easy to me, almost never studied and graduated honor society. But it's not coming easy to her. And I have no idea what to do about it. LOL!
I believe this is called "full circle". LOL!
As writers, if we didn't write hoping that someone will respond positively, wouldn't we all stick to our journals?
I do write to authors whose books touch me. And in nearly every case, they respond in a way that affirms my value as a reader.I also write to authors who send ARCs. I want them to know I appreciate the gift, and I think they deserve some early reader response.
I do think the romance community is unique in the graciousness and generosity of published writers, including some big-time successes. I was feeling really discouraged several weeks ago when I got an email from one of my favorite writers saying that she believed in me and offering to read my stuff. I will be soaring a long time on the strength of that praise. But equally important is the regular affirmation that I get from other yet-to-be-published writers who like my characters and believe I will succeed. I don't think praise from any of these sources is a substitute for believing in myself, but the praise can keep the lights burning when my self-confidence flickers.
Janga is right about this industry. It's not perfect but the authors I've been fortunate enough to meet either in person or online are beyond generous. I'll never get over the feeling of being embraced I get everytime I hang out with, meet or even email with writers. Makes me feel very good about all the other junk that goes along with trying to get published.
Janga, I understand the need for validation from someone you admire. It's never a substitute, but it sure sustains us through the hard times.
Hellion, yes, I was one of those children. My brother could get C's and that was like an A for him. *shrugs*
Ter, I worry about my son's self esteem. Everytime I raise my voice before I realize what I've done I cringe inside. I never want him to feel the way I did as a child. Someone could raise their voice and it would scare me to death. I've seen the same look on his face that I felt in my heart as a kid. Words can do long term damage.
Awesome blog, Lisa!
I think praise in every aspect of our lives is vital. It's important for us to be validated. I know there have been days when I've been ready to throw in the towel on being a mommy, wife, daughter, writer... you name it and a kind or encouraging word does wonders for my staying power. And as Janga mentioned especially from those whose opinion really matters to me.
I also think it fuels you're self esteem. It's like having a store of it when you need to fall back on it and pull it out in times of need. I'm talking about well deserved, sincere and hard won praise and not the "everyone has to be a winner" kind of praise that I balk at in all the school and sports functions my children are a part of.
I do have to agree about the romance community/blogs being very supportive and very affirming. It makes it a little easier to push yourself to do what you may not have thought yourself possible of before.
Thanks Irish!
I agree with everyone's comments today about the romance blog community being very supportive. I've visited other writing arenas, and found a less than warm reception. I think it just goes to show what a wonderful community we share in the romance writing world.
Hellion, I used to think that algebra was easy.
You have 'it' the unknown on the left and all the knowns on the right. You then figure out what 'it' is.
In the romance context however, I have been baffled by 'it' for a long time, or rather by the writers who create 'it'
Because we all agree that romance bloggers are the most lovable, supportive, back slapping, (rum swilling?) and encouraging community on the planet, 'it' must be something very unusual!
Since your posting of that wonderful parody of the song 'My Favourite Things' in the vagabonds blog I became even more puzzled by 'it'
I had thought that the solution may be that writers do not feel that they are competing with each other. The plots of a romance novel don't vary that much except in the detail, and individuality is expressed more through the 'voice', though novelty in the plot is of course still important.
At least that's what I was thinking until your parodies entered the equation. I am not going to congratulate on your writing again because I'm envious darn it. Why couldn't I have written that!
So I'm back to being puzzled by 'it'....maybe its just that you are all such nice people!
Thanks for the bottle *g*
Q, I used to get an A in Geometry. I don't know what it was...but for some reason, I grasped that more easily...or maybe I was more "instinctive" about it. The PROOFS were my favorite. I remember getting a couple right...I said, "This is for this" and that WAS the answer, but my rational for getting there was incorrect. *LOL* It totally baffled my teacher. I don't know if it's that geometry seemed more applicable and practical to me, and algebra didn't or what.
I did get a bit more comfortable with algebra in physics class--but that was more BASIC algebra (the kind the kindergartners were doing apparently); and I found the beginning calculus stuff rather understandable. I could usually solve those like no one's business. It was a matter of remembering a formula. THAT I could do...but algebra in general is more like "word problems" and filling in the right info at the right spots...and I never got that. I was a dyslexic algebra person, I guess. Bah. I always needed a cheat sheet to do stuff. I couldn't just remember the reasoning behind the math concepts.
Hmmm, maybe I should do another parody soon. It's been a few months since I've done one.
PS, Q, I agree: Love is LOVE--and it's the writer's voice and way of telling the story that makes it unique. Not the plot itself.
Though I think some writers do compete. If just secretly. *LOL*
I stumbled across your blog when I needed it most! With the support of my husband, I have decided to pursue the writing career that I always wanted. When I joyfully shared this with a friend and then said Romance writer she said "Oh, I thought you meant a real writer"...I felt as if a fist had been plunged into my solar plexus. I'm begining to believe confidence has to come from within and from fellow writers.
Or maybe I need new friends!LOL
Thank you for your words.
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