Into the Inferno: Where Are We Going, and Why Are We In This Handbasket?
What with Lent upon us, I thought maybe we should focus on the things we should repent and do no more. Much like the way to hell is paved with good intentions, so is the way to finishing your novel. You write up the character sketches, you answer numerous questions, and you even make a half-hearted attempt at an outline (i.e. plot.) But are you writing?
No.
You’re thinking about writing. You’re playing and practicing, but you’re not actually writing. You’re showing up for church and tossing your pennies into the collection plate, but the rest of the week, you’re drinking with the damned. (Because that’s what all writers do, of course, drink. It says so right at the very bottom of this blog with the rules.)
You circle and circle, and soon you find you’ve arrived at Hell. Welcome. Dante’s holding up that familiar sign of: Abandon all hope ye who enter here. He laughs as you point to your notebook with your notes and outlines and plans. It doesn’t matter. You’re fully fettered into Writer’s Hell, my friend, and one or more of these grievous sins is probably what landed you here.
Circle 1: Limbo. You landed here because you didn’t know any better. Not an excuse—you’re still in hell. Read up on craft and read up on your genre—and read up period. Reading will by virtue make you a better writer. You won’t be able to help yourself.
Circle 2: Lust. Your lack of commitment because everything looks like it’d be fun to write leaves you clacking about aimlessly. Saddle a horse and ride it already. A stable of thoroughbreds isn’t going to do you any good if you don’t ride one across the finish line once in a while.
Circle 3: Gluttony. You think you need more and more research books and websites and historical tidbits and facts. If you use 1/100th of all the stuff you’ve researched, you’d have a tome to rival War and Peace. There is such thing as too much research. After a point, you’re doing it to avoid writing and we all know it.
Circle 4: Greed. Stop hoarding. Don’t save it for your next book—this book deserves all you have to give it, and frankly, you might not get a next book if you don’t make this one worth reading. And while you’re at it, help fellow writers around you. If you have a skill, share it. If you find something that was of use to you, share it with the community. The next Julie Garwood will remember you.
Circle 5: Anger & Sloth. Don’t hate them because they’re published; and don’t think writing is about eating bon-bons and substituting hair and eye color for the same old book. (All romances are the same, right? Wrong.) Writing is work; it’s why so few people actually do it. Stop being cranky and get off the couch and write it already.
Circle 6: Heresy. Don’t betray your reader’s trust. Don’t promise them a Happily Ever After, then kill off one of your protagonists or have them end up divorced, on welfare, selling their kids for crack. Sure, it probably exists in the world, but it’s not why the reader picked up your romance novel. Genre fiction makes a promise: the good guys get rewarded for their virtue; bad guys get their comeuppance; the puppy is saved from the burning building. Don’t betray the trust.
Circle 7: Suicides. This is the circle where self-destructive people live. What are the big sins here? Giving up, deleting your stories/chapters because you don’t like them, and trashing other writers to make yourself look better. Exactly what’s the benefit of doing any of these things?
Circle 8: Liars. Liar, liar, pants on fire. We’ve already established the reader trust. This one is: Don’t lie to yourself. It just starts a vicious circle. And lying to the editor you can finish something in X amount of time, when clearly you’ve never finished anything, not even pie, in that amount of time only gives you an overwhelming sense of failure—and leads you to the 7th Circle. You run a marathon by training for it, not by just signing up to do it and showing up on race day.
Circle 9: Betrayers. Traitors still get executed. You’ll notice the trend about hating those who betray us, and in the deepest circle of writing hell resides those who betrayed us the deepest: those who sell out and write “jets of warmth pooled between her flaming thighs.” Seriously, the only reason the fire department will be coming to my house for this line is because I set that book on fire in my front yard! Shoot for some originality, guys. Don’t think just because a hundred books before you have jetting pools of warmth, you should do so too so you can get the big money. You might, by some miracle, get published, but it won’t get you respect. Don't give us the cliche--offer us something unique, something that touches us. Give us the Awe Factor. (You won't be doing that with "His eyes were glued to her nipples." So don't even bother with that one. Find something else.)
So what have you given up for Lent? I'm giving up circle 7 and circle 2. (I always have a problem with LUST. Damn.) Any circles that should be added to the list?
Books by the Crew
48 comments:
Cap'n you were channeling me on this one. I needed this blog in the worst way. I'm with you... circle 7 and 2 are my worst enemies. Everytime I try to write, something else looks better. I think I want to write romantic suspense and all my muse wants to do is write angsty sap. I flail around aimlessly making excuses that I don't have enough experience to even try to write a WIP, when in all honestly I know writing something is better than nothing. In the last two weeks I've been to the point of just walking away, but I know I will be miserable because I'm a writer no matter what else I pursue in my life.
Thank you for an excellent blog and a much needed kick in the rear.
Hellion - this is a great great topic. I would say I'm a sinner of the 2, 3, and 4 varieties. I want to "be" a writer, but the actual writing part of that is the hard one. I'm better now than past years, but it's been a journey.
I am a research junky. I think I feel insecure, so I tell myself if I have enough research, then I'll feel more confident. It doesn't work, but there it is.
Lisa, don't you dare quit. If you throw yourself off this boat, I will leap into the longboat myself and pull you out by your hair. You understand?
And what makes romantic suspense and angsty sap mutually exclusive? Write what you know; write what you love. If you build it, they will come.
Marnee, I get that way too. (I think this is why primarily my heroine's jobs are secretarial. If I gave her anything else to do, I would get obsessed in researching what they have to do, what they have to learn. If I made my heroine a doctor, I would think I would have to go to medical school in order to write it properly...you know what I mean?)
In regards to historical detail, I still think it matters more about CHARACTER. If you have a compelling set of characters, you could have their entire romance go on in a white room and we wouldn't care. We read romances primarily for THE HEART, not the history lesson. (Though admittedly I've gleaned some trivia from my books. *LOL*) You have plenty of heart, Marnee. You don't need to research nearly as much as you think. You just need to write As If.
My vices are 5 & 7. I don't finish anything because I can't stop revising the life out of the little I've managed to get on the screen. Funny you mention the AS IS again because just this morning I was thinking I HAVE to adopt this way of thinking. If I don't right new words soon, I might as well just stop kidding myself and everyone else.
As IF not As IS. You continue writing on your WIP "as IF" it's all correct.
Who knew there were so many circles of Hell? I didn't pay attention in church or English class. Can I just cop to being permanently guilty of everything (except setting the puppy on fire) and take my lashes? Hellion, your brilliance is ever-inspiring.
Blame the Comtrex...
Maggie, you got to miss out on the whole Dante's Inferno stuff? I swear my Lit teachers just liked to make us suffer.
Okay, I'm guilty of more than just 2 & 7 myself...pretty much all but Limbo (since I doubt I could plead ignorance at this point)--but I'm just committing to trying to fix 2 & 7. One miracle at a time, you know.
I'm sorry about your head cold, Terri. I thought you were torturing me. You used "As IS" the last time we had this discussion; you remind me of my father who uses the wrong words for things. Or names for things. He calls Andrea "Angie", Misty "Mitzie" and never mind what he calls me. Those things are cute; but he uses the wrong worded phrases for other stuff that drives me nuts because you argue, and then he says, "That's what I said." No, no it's not.
I think it's because I'm looking for a house and I keep reading "house sold AS IS" in all the descriptions. LOL! Can I send a query that says "Book sold AS IS"?
My brain is not only in a fog but on another planet at the moment. *g*
*ROTFLMAO* Can you imagine writing a query letter like that? Wouldn't that be hysterical?
"One romantic-comedy, quaint, reminiscent of screw-ball comedies for sale. Located in quiet country setting, but close to the city for best of both worlds. Neighbors quirky but goodhearted. Structure sound; decoration minimalist, but large, airy rooms--dialogue is crisp. Book is sold AS IS."
I'm totally using that for my query letter....
Okay, as any good Catholic would, I'm gonna cop to all of them. I am getting healthier, though, cause I think all the sinning I'm doing is more venial than mortal (for those of you non-Catholics out there - venial sins are forgivable, mortal are not). So even though I'm doing a lot of sinning, I'm kind of comfortable with it and working my way out slowly.
As for giving up for Lent... that has been a huge topic of conversation at our house this past week. When I was growing up my idealistic mother always butted heads with my starch, by-the-rules, father. Mom wanted us to do something positive for Jesus, not negative (ie. eat veggies instead of give up meat, eat fruit instead of giving up candy). So, carrying on the tradition I tried to convince my crew that maybe we should give up the sarcasm, be a little nicer, hand out a few more compliments rather than putdowns... you get the idea. After some really dumbfounded looks and a fit of uncontrolled laughter, they decided they'd rather give up chocolate! How sad is that?!
I'm thinking about starting an entire genre of my own. Suspense erotica with a touch of inspiration thrown in for good measure...LOL. I think I need to calm down and remember what it's like to just sit down and write what I feel instead of worrying about writing the next GAN.
Seriously, thanks for the blog. I so needed this one. And don't jump in the long boat yet, I think I may have stepped off the plank.
OMG This is a great post Hellion! LOVE IT... I'd just like to say... There are people I hate in the industry, because they've 'betrayed' my trust or been cruel. One word of advice. Try not to let the hate spill over. It just makes you look bad.
2/3 i have probs with.
Irish - as a non-practicing Catholic (see, I'm going to hell for much worse than writing vices) I don't give up anything anymore. I don't even avoid meat on Fridays. I just can't imagine my diet will be called into question if I'm ever lucky enough to get to the gates.
But I did give up chocolate once. Damn near killed me. How funny they'd rather give up something they love instead of do something nice. Makes you want to load the house full of chocolate just to make it harder. LOL!
GIVE UP sarcasm? I would be mute for 47 days! Granted, everyone around me would undoubtedly be a LOT happier, but seriously...I don't think it could be done.
I'd rather give up chocolate. *crinkles up more Reese's PB cup foils* What? *I'm* not Catholic. And I'm comfortable in my sin as well, thanks.
That reminds me, I found a bag of those Lindt peanut butter truffles last night. Ate the whole thing while watching the last two episodes of North & South. Talk about HEAVEN!
Tiff, you're suffering from #5. Hate is a wasteful emotion. It burns up so much of your energy, and they just don't care. (As is apparent since that's usually the reason why you hate them.)
APATHY is a much better emotion to subscribe to. If you just don't care, you can go back to your own novel-writing that much sooner.
There are snakes in every paradise, even this one. You can't behead them all. They just grow new heads.
Yeah, Ter, I kind of do Catholic lite these days. As a mom, though, I thought this would be a great opportunity to institute some behavioral changes. You can see how well that worked! LOL
That's where you went wrong, Irish. You made it optional. LOL!
This is wonderful, Hellion! I love Dante's Comedy, and I loved teaching it. (Sorry!) I love your blog too!
And I am so guilty of #3 and #7. I can spend days researching songbirds in North Carolina just to complete one sentence. Researching the writing craft is another gluttonous activity to which I am addicted. And I don't even want to think about all the pages I have deleted in disgust and/or frustration.
I remember taking the Dante class (or it being part of the class), but don't remember much about it. Only Beatrice (based off some chick Dante knew and adored); and the fact he got in a lot of trouble because he made a lot of the sinners look like current politicians.
Sort of if Al Franken wrote about the circles of Hell...or maybe more fitting: Michael Moore. *LOL* (Actually no one would read Michael Moore. How about Dennis Miller? He seems someone who could transcend time.)
The only reason I find it fascinating now is because being raised as a Protestant, we didn't have circles or levels. It was all one big Cotton Mather Fiery Pit of Hell...so I always thought it was fascinating there could possibly be different versions of hell. I never thought a mere fiery pit would be good enough for my enemies. I don't want pain; I want VENGEANCE. *LOL* I want the jocks to have to be nerds and suffer incessant jokes; I want know-it-alls to not have the answers--and be heckled as morons. I'm Old Testament, I guess; an eye for an eye until everyone is blind. *LOL*
Terri, you can make things "non-optional" but the thing is, it's still optional. I want to know how you'd make your child non-sarcastic. How? Getting their vocal chords temporarily removed for the month wouldn't work because they could still roll their eyes--and that's even more sarcastic.
You could teach by example, I suppose, but that would mean you'd have to not be sarcastic--and we know that's never going to happen.
How do you remove sarcasm from the everyday dialect? Because you can't watch TV or movies either for that reason. There's some music you couldn't listen to (though Perry Como would be a great alternative). You probably couldn't talk to your friends either, for the most part--it'd be too tempting.
You'd have to become a hermit.
And Dante's punishments are so vivid. I always remember the flatterers buried in excrement.
One of my best bits ever in a poem was inspired by Dante.
The moon has two circles.
I can never remember
what the second circle means.
Anthony says it signals
the whole damned world is in heat.
You really need to let this sarcasm thing go. I meant make doing something positive mandatory. Taking magazines or books to a nursing home, volunteering at a homeless shelter, that sort of thing.
And can I just say all the eye rolling I have ever done is totally coming back to haunt me. Gah! It drives me nuts when she rolls her eyes at me. And she does. OFTEN.
And I would love to take part in the Dante part of the discussion but I've never read it. Growing up I was just pretty much told breathing was a sin. So I've learned to tune it all out. LOL!
Janga - love the poem. Have you ever put your stuff together and submitted it as a collection? I'd buy that.
Yes, but Lent is about giving up (or doing something positive)--and well, it's not really a hardship to give magazines to doctor's office or visit some older people in their homes. I always think of Lent as a sort of penance...giving up sarcasm would actually be work.
Don't let the "never read it" stop you. It hasn't stopped me.
I bet you Beatrice was in the first Canto, or even in the first 50 lines, which was probably the extent of what I actually read.
I know, Janga, I know. It's another glaring reason why most of my vocabulary revolves around 4-letter words and less than vivid description. *LOL*
You know another Famous Work I feel guilty that I took a test on (passed) and never actually read: The Canterbury Tales. I mean really. It's in Middle English!
Though I rather wonder how it would convert into Ozark English? That might be funny...but would it lose its poignancy?
The English teacher I was, I have never read the Divine Comedy. I taught American lit and my specialty in college was British lit/Colonial lit (Rushdie, Achebe, etc). I'll pick it up someday.
I love the Canterbury Tales. Good times. The Wife of Bath, classic.
Lent is supposed to be about doing something that prepared you for Jesus rising from the dead. To somehow make yourself more ready. That was Irish's point, that is doesn't have to be something negative.
Kids would learn a great deal more from having to step away from their video games and spend two hours at a nursing home than they ever could from not eating Hershey Bars.
And if you think visiting a nursing home is easy, you're crazy. I hated going when my grandmother was in one. Not only does it make you scared to death of growing old and remind you of your mortality, it breaks your heart to see all the people that never have visitors.
Doing something for others seems like a much more Christian thing to do than going without something you don't need in the first place.
We studied the Canterbury Tales but I never read it and don't remember a thing about it. Except maybe it was a bit racy for it's time. Is that right?
I do remember Chaucer was a really funny character in A Knight's Tale but that's probably not very academic of me. *g*
LOL! It was racy, at least parts, Ter. And I remember that. What is that actor's name, Paul something? He's cute.
Paul Bettany. Very memorable because he was naked in his first appearance in the film and throughout kept gambling away his clothes. But his intros before the tournaments were so great too.
The wife of Bath with the gap in her teeth! I loved her!
Not all of my relatives died, Terri. I spent a lot of time as a kid visiting old people--though there were a couple who were very self-sufficient and didn't have to go into a nursing home until much much later. I remember visiting Aunt Eve and Aunt Lena in their homes. Wizened but boy were they on top of it.
We visit Aunt Trixie in the home quite a bit. It is sad to walk down the halls and see where your future lies. I'm working on my hobbies now...I'm obviously going to need them.
Though if you were a really good Christian, you'd spring them for the day and take the poor fellow out for fresh air and some sunshine!
Yes, I loved A Knight's Tale. They said the guy who wrote it, wrote the Chaucer part specifically for English majors. *LOL* God love him.
I like Paul Bettany. Yum. But then I think that about most British actors. (I think Eddie Izzard's hot too.)
Ouch! I feel like I've been flayed by your cat-o-tails. #'s 2, 3, and sadly I'm afraid I may be guilty of #9.
Guess I better be examining my writing a bit closer.
Oh, Hellion and Terri, you should read Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. There are translations in modern English available. You would love the lusty Wife of Bath with her five husbands and "other company in her youth." I find her such a vital character.
You know, there is a musical version of CT in which the Wife, who is clearly eager to find husband #6, sings enthusiastically to the young squire, "Come On and Marry Me, honey."
No, no, I know the person who is guilty of #9. I won't let you be guilty of #9. Surely you don't do the "JETTING pools of WARMTH between her thighs"--really, it's the JETTING I have a problem with. First, because this occurred in a historical and it didn't seem like the right word for it. When I think jets, I think jacuzzis and planes...and lots of 20th century stuff that my fair maiden had never seen. Plus, I thought it didn't seem logistically possible to have jetting pools of warmth--and not be wearing...padding or something. It sounded like a Depends moment.
No, no, I don't think you have done this, Renee. 2 & 3, sure...but not 9.
I think I kept my Canterbury Tales book (I got rid of the Dante, I'm afraid. Actually the only literature book I was glad to chuck away and never look at again: The Rise & Fall of Silas Lapam(sp?) by the chick posing as a guy. I think I'd rather be forced to watch the Royal Tenenbaums again.)
Okay so maybe not the JETTING part, BUT I believe I've typed something along the lines of "His eyes were glued to her nipples." Well maybe not his eyes being glued, that leaves a horrible image, like having her eyes glued to his arse, or something of the sort.
In my first drafts I'm not the most original unique writer when it comes to sex, or tension or any of that other kind of mushy gushy stuff. I see it but when I'm writing it, well it comes out like I've had one way too many Captain's and I kind of stammer all over the place. It's rushed. Thankfully there's no pre...yeah, well you know what I mean.
Actually I've done the eyes glued to nipples type sentence too. Actually that doesn't bother me near as much as jets. Mainly because it does seem men's eyes GLUE their attention to breasts as if they're watching NASCAR or something. Whereas for the *other*, nothing like that's remotely occurred. Maybe my jets are broken, who knows?
Maybe I should *amend* number 9. Don't be so original you're obscure or banging your head on the keyboard. Write something down and move on. You can always think of something better later.
lol why even just last night I wrote *scene holder* and moved on. I'll get back to it another day.
Okay, you're going to hate me... but I read Dante's Divine Comedy in 10th grade not because I had to but because I wanted to.
Yes, I was that much of a dork. A big ole reading dork.
I agree with Janga... you need to read Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. Janga, what's the other one that is comparable to the Canterbury Tales but was written by an Italian author? But it had many tales and they were almost a sexier version... well, for that time period anyway.
I think it's hard to avoid Hate totally. Like, I hate a lot of things... like raw onions and etc. But at a certain point, hate does turn to apathy. I found this true with former hell job (where I certainly felt like Dante) and with other things. It's hard not to have such deep emotions toward something especially when you're still close to the fire.
You would know that I'd miss a fantabulous blog about circles of writing hell. I rather have problems with number 2 myself. You'll see.
Didn't give up anything for Lent this year. Matt didn't either. His mother threw a hissy. But she gave up chocolate and already had some. So what's the point if you're gonna just break it? It's like that movie 40 days & 40 night. Ain't no way in hell I'm giving up sex (revert back to the circle number 2). Sorry. I'm not giving up chocolate either. I could give up writing for Lent. But that would defeat the purpose of the circles of writing hell.
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