Our resident bartender is still living it up, getting manuscript requests, chatting up important people, and possibly recovering from a hangover of Faery glitter. While we wait for her to return and tell us how to beguile agents and win over editors, I thought I'd prance out one of my parodies and ask for updates on everyone's writing. After all, that is what we're here for, yes?

Okay, so we're here for the hotties. Whatever.

Let's get everyone into the mood. We all love writing. Especially our writing. Sing along with me, guys:

Oh, listen, sister,
I love my manuscript,
And I can't tell you why.
There ain’t no reason…
Why I should love this prose
It must be something that the devil only know…

Phones gotta ring, emails gotta fly,

I gotta write this manuscript till I die—

Can’t help this crazy plot of mine….

Tell me it’s trite, tell me’s slow,

Tell me the dumb hero has got to go…

Can’t help this crazy plot of mine…

When I don’t write a line…

I near go out of my mind…

But when I sit with my pen and write—

That day is fine…those words do shine.

This plot can go to eternity,

Crazy and trite, I don’t care how it be.

Can’t help this crazy plot of mine...

All right, now we're all in the mood and happy with writing again. Bitch and brag. How's your writing been this week? Feast or famine? Mine: moderate buffet. I've starved more, let's just say. I don't absolute loathe my WIP this week (always a good sign)--could it be better? Of course. I think I'm avoiding writing a sex scene, and I'm currently trying to "recycle" chapters I previously cut when I thought the book wasn't going in the direction I wanted. I know some of you are editing/revising and some of you are writing like the wind to finish a first draft by June. How goes it?*

*If you don't want to share specific details about characters, please don't feel you have to. I know it's important to keep the magic contained. You can just say, "It's going great! I've written X pages/words/books!" or "I've written nothing because I'm being held captive in a dungeon!" That's fine.

I got a surprise yesterday.  If no one else was following the news, Sandra Bullock came out with two bombshells:  she’s filed for divorce and, surprise, she adopted a baby in January.

In our world of internet access and pervasive media, I was shocked she’d managed to keep her baby under wraps for so long.  And impressed.

As an aside, I feel horrible for Bullock.  Not only because I always feel bad for victims of adultery (because to me, cheating’s a coward’s way) but because she seems like such a nice lady, even if I don’t always love her movies.  She can laugh at herself.  She seems to have a quirky sense of humor.  She’s the type of girl I’d probably find myself befriending if I met her in my life.  Smart and goofy and devoted to those she loves.

When she escaped from the limelight after her husband’s hijinx were unearthed, I cheered for her.  Every time some headline about how she was keeping a low profile emerged, I’d quietly send her a mental high five.  Seriously, paparazzi.  Back off.

But a secret baby?  I never ever expected that.

Which got me thinking about secret babies in romances.  Any predictable plot twist, actually.  In this case, it seems clear that Bullock went into hiding not only to stay off the front page for herself, but because she didn’t want to exploit her child.  If her hiding hadn’t been justifiable before, it became righteous yesterday.

I’ve wondered if secret baby plots don’t do the same justification.  I mean, in most secret baby books, the heroine has kept the child from the hero because she believes he would be a negative influence in the baby’s life.  Or in her own.  When the baby is revealed, it’s generally in a way that makes the otherwise cruel action of separating a man from his child justifiable.  The secret baby usually magnifies the conflict between them, their inner struggles.

Another predictable plot twist—the forced marriage.  I can’t even count how many historicals I’ve read where the hero and heroine get caught in a compromising position and end up having to wed.  Usually this external plot twist magnifies the internal conflicts and characterization.

This felt like a real revelation to me.  The success of these stories seems to be their ability to ratchet up the conflict but in a way that still keeps sympathy for both characters.

What other predictable plots do you see a lot of?  What things have you learned from these standard romance devices that we might be able to take and make fresh?  Were you surprised by Sandra Bullock’s secret baby?

A rant of sorts.

Bittersweet Causality (song)- Cold Driven (band)- Set in Stone (album)  -- My new Kiki and Dex theme song.


“We made a killer out of you and a hostage out of me. I’m just a bittersweet causality. We brought the devil out of you and the sinner out of me. It’s not fair; but love is war. I can’t live this way. I’m living like a hostage.  Don’t leave me. I’m too scared to say anything. But I can’t live this way.”

I read a lot of books where characters don’t actually work. You know, that thing that me and you do on a regular basis. Usually these characters are already wealthy from some endeavor before you’ve even cracked open the brand new spine of the first book. It’s usually a man- who owns half the town. Has more frienemies than actual family or friends. A new age tycoon of sorts. He’s gorgeous (of course) with a killer body, an ability to handle himself in a fight and has mass respect on the street. I don’t find anything wrong with this. In fact, if this man was real (ie: If Ranger (Evanovich- Plum series) was real and not a fictional character I’d like to tie to the bed and have my wicked way with) I would hunt him down and have to meet this real life stereotypical fictional hero. He finds heroine interesting because she’s a bumbling fumbling incompetent woman, or because she’s so sarcastic and cynical he finds it a challenge to be in her presence, and therefore decides he must have her.

I find it’s not often you run across a heroine in a novel who can handle herself and has money to run her life the way she wants to run it without man regularly around. The heroine who only invites a man into her life because she finds his friendship to be advantageous when she’s in the need of it. The heroine who devotes her life to being single and living a life outside of the box. Heroes have this life in almost every book I pick up. It’s always the hero who is closed off, who is unable to take the risk and have a relationship other than friends with benefits (FWB). And the heroine is always unwilling to take that step because they are dreaming about the life they want to have in the future and not living for the moment where they could have what they want.

Time for heroines to have the same advantages, if you ask me, we’re more equipped to deal with it. We’ve just been hardwired wrong from the beginning. We’re brainwashed by this stereotype. Women are way too detailed oriented for this to be going on. We’re organized. We’re cut throat and we’re straight to the point. I refuse to read another book about a weak heroine who needs a man to take care of her or the woman is constantly thinking about her chances of getting married with a white picket fence in her future.

No offense mama, but if you were tut-tuting me like Stephanie Plum’s mother does about her getting married and having babies, I’d blow you up in the next vehicle that came my way. Or the way Rachel (Harrison’s Hollows series) reminds herself that she’d like to settle down with a nice witch and have a famil y someday. It’s a nice dream, sure, but I don’t need reminders in novels. You don’t have to have that to have a full and rich life. It’s about the people your characters surround themselves with and who you surround yourself with in your life. That’s the richest part of the story. Life and all the great things that happen along the way. You have to take the heartache with the happiness. Growth is the essential element in all life, fictional and real.

Live for the moment and not for what will happen in the future. Here is where my “happy for now” (HFN) comes into play. I’m not a fan of the “happily ever after” (HEA) shit. I’m tired of reading it. Nothing rarely works out for the happily ever after. Marriage is work. Life is work. And it’s hard. It’s not one of those things where you slip a glass slipper on some bitches foot at the end and it all works out like magic. I’m pretty sure if Prince Charming knew Ms. Sleeping Beauty had a sleeping pill addiction and hid her pills under her feather mattress, not all would be happy in the “Charming” household. Or Snow White and her seven dwarves. I highly doubt any testosterone charged man would really just forget his wife spent time with seven dwarves. Sounds like he might find a nice little “surprise” on some pay by the second website featuring his wife as the star.

Fiction is fiction and enjoy it for what it is- yeah sure. I like fiction with challenge of life. If your character does something to disrupt the Karma flow, well I want to see the cause and effect. Kiki steals shit. Kiki gets caught, her ass kicked, blackmailed and ditched. If you keep doing the dance with Karma, I totally expect the next effect of Karma to be showing you exactly what happens when you disrespect the cosmic flow of life. And Kiki gets hers. Just like any other character in a fictional novel.

For once I want to see a strong heroine kick some ass on her own. I’m not even managing it in my own series. Dex is just getting in the way. Just like any other asshole male on the face of the planet. He’s not capable to realizing she can handle this on her own.  If I didn’t have designs for him in future novels, I’d take his ass out via acid pit, or exploding vehicle, sniper fire, flame thrower, fitted for concrete shoes and pitched into the Missouri River. I mean, I can come up with all sorts of ways I’d enjoy getting rid of him *clearing throat* I mean, all the ways Kiki would enjoy getting rid of Dex. But I can’t. I’m caught in my own web of stereotypical writing behavior.

So I want to hear what you think is stereotypical behavior in heroines and heroes. What do you read about most often and what just really irks you about the novels you read? And what stereotypical behaviors do you enjoy in novels but never see?

I find car shopping not unlike dating…or writing. I had to buy a new-used car. I had my list of requirements for the car: not too expensive, but not the cheapest thing; not gold; and four doors. The first is pretty clear. I want to be able to afford this car, but I’m unwilling to schlep around in a Ford Focus, which we all know is an Escort in disguise. (If you have an Escort and it actually works, congratulations.) The second is that I think gold cars are pimp cars. I am not a pimp. And third, when I was a child, my dad had some two door cars and I hated it because I always had to sit in the back, crawl over a bunch of crap, and sit cramped for hours on end. I am a person who likes her own space and wants the people in her car to enjoy their own space.

I went to the car lot with a friend who actually likes to buy cars, because you should bring positive people when you decide to do something expensive and that you may regret later (like tattoos or childbirth.) We picked out a couple cars that met my criteria; I drove them both; and I picked the one I liked. I said, “I think I will go with this car. I like it.” And she asked, “Do you want to go to another lot and drive more cars?”

In a word, no. I feel once I have found a car I like and think I can commit to for its life, that going around looking for more choices is a lot like dating a really nice guy who laughs at your jokes, remembers your birthday, and is great in bed, but you decide to keep playing the field in case your “soul mate” shows up. A car is a car is a car. And men are pretty much men, no matter how long you hold out looking for that soul mate. I’m not saying that I don’t think Deerhunter isn’t the bees knees or anything, but neither do I expect him to be that Disney version of a soul mate either. I’ve noticed that a lot of things a woman expects out a “soul mate” are usually better and more easily found in your girlfriend, so you’re better off delegating some of your emotional support to other people in your life. No one car can do everything either. If you fell in love with a sedan, don’t be pissed off its not a 4-wheel-drive pickup come winter. You knew that when you bought it. Maybe that’s just me and maybe I’m wrong and a bunch of you will correct me that there are men out there willing to do the girlfriend lunch and bitch about things and be everything. That’s fine.

I realize this has very little to do with writing, except for this: there is no perfect story or story idea. When you first get a story idea, you’re going to sit down with it, tool about town with the top down, and think, “This is the best idea ever!” You can’t imagine this story idea of a car will ever break down on the highway or start emitting a funny sound around the 50,000 mile mark that makes you wonder if it’s going to make it to the 100,000 mark, which you were promised. Which you need it to do because you need to turn this book in, completed! Trading in your story idea car for a new one before you get the last one paid off only kicks you in the ass in the long run. You know what happens if you keep trading up for the “better and newer” car right? You end up paying more money on the new car, more than it’s worth, all in the hopes that this is the car that’s going to be The One.

There is no One. There are several Ones. You’d be good in most of them; and eventually you’ll probably commit to others to drive around. So if you get an idea you like, just commit and know that no story idea, like no car, is going to be perfect 100% of the time. It’s just how it is. Don’t let your inner salesman fool you that you need to trade up and deserve something new. There is something very worthwhile in hanging out with a car that goes the distance.

On the other end of that analogy, once you’ve gotten to the end of life with your car, send it out to better pastures and get something else. (Meaning: stop revising your finished manuscript and never sending it out. That’s dumb too. Enough already: send it to the editors and find a new car.)

All right, questions: I’m not very writing focused (as you can tell) so I want to know about your cars. What do you drive and what do you think they say about you? Do you buy the same kind of car? Do you like having many options or just a few? And if your WIP was a car, what kind of car would it be? (You can sometimes pinpoint who your audience is if you can figure out what your car your story is.)

I read a book last week, it had a great, hopping plot, hot sex, and a villain creepy enough to keep me up at night. But there was something the heroine who set my teeth on edge.

It took me a while to figure out what it was. I mean, she seemed like a great girl. She was a hostage negotiator, which is a pretty kicking job for a chick. She was quick with a gun and a friendly gesture. She was raising her 7-year-old daughter and taking care of her invalid mother.

She was never rude, never mean, she didn't screw up or get frustrated and snap. So what was it about her that bothered me so much?

That's when it hit me. She was freakin perfect. You know how, after a huge fight, you think of the perfect thing to say? She said it duringthe fight. She was reasonable, in all situations. Crazy guy takes his whole family hostage, she calmly talked him down. Mom had a panic attack, she comforted her. Daughter had a problem, she was super mom.



******************
She reacted perfectly, in each and every situation she was put in. Said the perfectly reasonable thing. Comforted the right people. Talked people out of their anger. She never messed up.

I hated her.

It brought to mind two things that we, as the creator of heroine's who are not perfect:

1. Everybody, including the heroine, snaps. When we're tired, stressed, overwhelmed, or scared, we take it out on the people close to us. It's human nature. It's also while most of us just tie up the man in the basement, so there's no danger of him getting tired of bitchy moods and bolting. The question isn't if you're heroine can do the right thing every time, it's if she can make up for her mistakes. Let her snap and mouth off her to her mother. Let her see her daughter's eyes fill with hurt feelings. And then let her fix it. We can all identify with that.

2. Everybody, even the good guys, screw up. This may only be true for suspense, but I'm curious if anyone feels it bleeds over into other sub-genres. In this particular suspense plot, the heroine never messed up. No matter what the bad guys threw at her, she handled it perfectly. Problem is, that meant she could only react. She waited to see what the bad guys did next, then responded perfectly. Bad guys moved on to phase 2, heroine responded perfectly. At some point, the police making a mistake, such as following a false lead or missing a subtle clue, would have totally spiced up the plot.

What kind of mistakes has your heroine made? Any witty dialog you care to share, where your heroine snaps and tells someone off? Come on, pirates, I know we've got some heroines with super creative insults - let's share! How do you feel about characters making mistakes? What's more important to you -- making the right choice the first time or making up for the mistake later?

Dupioni silk.  Gardenia blossoms.   Thoroughbred racehorses.

These are just a few of the things that could be labeled "high maintenance".  But I think we'd all agree the care and attention required to maintain these exquisite items is definitely worth it.

Now it's time to put ourselves in that category.

Look how much we accomplish in our lives when we are wiped out, knackered, face planted against the pillow, dog-tired.  Yet we keep going, putting that slacker drum-pounding pink bunny to shame.  Despite our constant efforts to hack away at the day-to-day chores, there's ten times more on the list the following day.  And that's not counting the revising or daily word count we hope to get done.

Imagine if YOU were at the top of the daily To Do list. 

Everything, and everybody, will take your time and energy if you don't take it for yourself.  If you let everyone else have it, there's nothing left when you try to write.  And then you feel guilty for not wanting to write, or you tell yourself your writing is worse than crap, all because you're attempting it after being drained by fourteen hundred everyday obligations.

How much kick-ass writing could you produce if it were your highest priority every single day?  If YOU were the highest priority every day?

"You're so high maintenance" is code for "you are fussy, entitled, self-absorbed, and WAY too devoted to satisfying your needs, generally at the expense of everyone else".  It's synonymous with "Diva", another word that has gone from complimentary ("leading lady") to derogatory ("pain-in-the-ass") in a very short time.

I'm not suggesting you ruthlessly flatten everyone else to fulfill your wants and needs.  Not at all.  But why shouldn't you be all that you can be? Why can't you be the baked potato with all the extras?  Why aren't you considered the luxury sedan with the rich Corinthian leather seats?

Why shouldn't you be first in line to get off the plane once it's safely arrived at the gate?

I already know what you're going to say about all the non-writing stuff that needs to be done every day: If I don't do it, it won't get done. 

You're right, so I won't even try to argue that point. However, I suspect the folks in your sphere--whether it's work or school or family--have become accustomed to you getting it all done, and they have no real motivation to change that scenario.  So yes, if you want things to get done, you have to do it.

But you know what?  The exact same thing can be said about your writing.  If YOU don't do it, it won't get done.  Nobody else can write the stories you write.  Other people can fold the laundry, throw something in the microwave, toss Rover some of his favorite doggie treats.  And they should be happy to do that.  Because nobody else can write the stories you write.

I'm not promoting an arrogant or egotistical manifesto here.  It's simply acknowledging the desire to be more than a drone, a minion, a prototype first-generation robotic device.  If those were enough, you wouldn't dream up wonderful stories filled with pirates, and Kraken, and assassins, and hotties.  Those imaginative, fantastical, romantic tales need to be written.  Yet it's difficult, sometimes next to impossible, when writing is last on the list, when energy levels are dim or non-existent.

I know it sounds like I'm being subversive.  (I am.)  I know it sounds like this will upset the daily routine.  (Hopefully.)   I know my pirate passport is likely to be permanently revoked now.  (Dang.)

Still, it's worth it.  I don't want to miss out on the breathtaking stories that are put aside because daily chores and mundane tasks rob your creative spirit.  I'm asking that you dare to be high maintenance.  Put yourself first, so that your books and your writing have the freshest, most inspired part of you, not the leftovers. 

So, what can you do to be High Maintenance?  Does the thought of it make you uncomfortable?  Or does it secretly thrill you?  How do you plan to put your writing first today?  And how do I go about reinstating my pirate passport?

Pirates. I’m leaving…on a jet plane…I do know when I’ll be back, though. (Anyone get that reference?) Tomorrow, after a 3+ hour plane flight, Jane will be picking me up in Minneapolis and taking me to her house for a few days of pre-convention madness. We’ll throw together stuff for the newbies, shop (look out, Mall of America!), help each other out…and hopefully work at polishing our pitches to a grand shine.

Pitching. I wrote a blog about this last year right before RT. And it’s a topic I should be good with by now, but I’m still learning stuff all the time. Terrio sent me a blog last week that was brilliant regarding pitch preparation.

I especially liked what he had to say about having a statement of some sort ready regarding your target audience. After toying with a statement for The Kraken’s Mirror, something along the line of … “My book will appeal to women who want to read about something other than bulimic twenty somethings getting all the action…”  Terrio talked me down to a more proper statement. How does this sound?

My book is for the empowered older woman who wants to read about characters she can relate to. The baby boomer who doesn’t consider herself sexually dead at 50.

I feel pretty good about The Kraken’s Mirror, though it should be the tougher sell. But I know there is a market for this story, it’s just convincing the pubs/editors/agents that I know what I’m talking about! It’s really just a romantic fantasy, with a twist or two.

I’m a bit less sure of my urban fantasy. In so many ways, it should be the easier sell, but I’m not feeling it as strongly. For example, my target statement? Eh.

 My book is about a woman’s journey back from the abyss of despair in a world changed by a massive displacement of time. It should appeal to women in need of something to believe in. (See I know a great song called Something to Believe In by Clannad so I get that reference in spades. Will Lori Perkins?)  

Sounds pretty wishy-washy to me. So, the question is, can I fake the confidence with the UF that feel with the RF? And how much does confidence come into selling your book at an in-person pitch?

I hear they want you to be confident and enthusiastic. Not pit bull confident or golden retriever enthusiastic…but somewhere in between. I mean, nowadays, the author plays such a large part in the promoting and winning-readers side of things. Almost makes one long for the days when the author was an invisible bookworm tapping away at a manual typewriter in some backroom, cut off from the rest of the world… (Nope. Not for me, but it sounds romantic, don’t it?)

I’m ready to take the dive into playing the idiot for the public. I swear, the older I get the more ready I am! I just know I’ll have no dignity.

I mean I bwah ha ha’d when I pitched to Heather Osborne of Tor last year! (I swear, I wanted to die. I wonder if I blushed?) But then again, it was fun. (I do hope to have a chance to pin Heather to a wall and ask about my submission. Oh, that would be bad, right? OK, I hope to buy Heather a drink in the bar and ask her politely if I should assume my submission to her, requested last year, is dead in the water since I haven’t heard anything. All the time, smiling and being polite…) (I can do that.)

If I had a good cackle, I’d probably cackle when I pitch The Kraken’s Mirror to Samhain.

I will practice decorum. No pirate hat when I pitch. (That’s for the rest of the convention and particularly for the parties.) I’ll make sure to wash out the comb-in hair color before I head for my appointments. Keep the rum drinking to a minimum until after the pitches are completed…keep the Ativan handy but only for comfort’s sake…



Yes, my bags are packed, I’m ready to go… But I’ll miss ya, crew! I hope the internet connection will be adequate for me to check in now and then. Be good without me and don’t let Mattycakes play bartender. And keep Jack out of my secret rum stash!

Anyone else have any conference plans in the next few months? It not a writing conference, then how about any other sort of conference? (I have BayCon, a sciencefiction/fantasy con at the end of May, a Pirate Festival in June and a Steampunk Con in Seattle come November, all on my calendar.) Any have any advice for me? Come on, someone rewrite that audience statement for me! Please! If you could make up a conference, with dream authors, actors…whatever…what would it be called and who would be there?

 

I’m calling today a Friday, even if it’s not!