These poor Hotties jumped overboard to retrieve something for me, which was so gallant of them.  Unfortunately I managed to misplace all the TOWELS.  I don't know how that could have happened!  Guess we'll just have to dry them off with our heated gazes. . .

Friday again and we’re searching the seven seas and beyond, on the look out for the items we really, really, really need as writers. I’ve considered the possibilities and come up with a few I know I would find useful and some I believe friends would find useful.

Other than the usual… The writer room where we can shut ourselves away from distractions…something that is really impractical in this modern world. So many distractions to choose from… And I don’t have an extra room, unless I tackle the clutter room and that would take me away from writing for far too long.

So! I came up with a few ideas. We just need some intrepid inventors to put these together…

#1 – An oldie but a goodie. The writer’s GPS. That friendly little computer voice that is following along as we write and will let us know when he need to take a turn toward more conflict, for example. We could enter in destination: humor…and get directions on how to do that. Yes, an oldie, but a goodie. Desperately needed.

 

#2 – The Shock-o-Finger. I see this as an offshoot of the Schick Centers, once used for weight loss and to stop smoking. They used to use electrical current to train a person to dislike smoking, or chocolate cake. I figure…we need one that will shock us or poke us (for those of us who regular shocks could actually interact adversely with implanted devices) whenever we pause too long at the keyboard. Go too long without typing and *zap! (or *poke!). Push that starring off into nowhere into actual action…

 

Of course, this would need to come with the big bloke carrying the big club to corral us into actually sitting and pulling the computer out.

(We’re not stupid, we’d figure out pretty fast the easiest way to avoid the shock or poke is to never sit down at the computer in the first place.)

Now, if you write kink, the guy with the club can hold a whip. If you write historical, your own Mr. Darcy who will politely urge you to your computer. Sci fi? A borg will simply state ‘resistance is futile.’ Mysteries? ‘elementary, my dear writer!’

It’s a working idea…

#3 – The Sagging Middle Corset. Something we can simply lace our stories into to provide that needed curve and firmness to get from the beginning to the end. Just sort of push and shove the saggy stuff into some sweet curves. With time, corset training would begin to work and maybe we’d all find our way to that lovely shape without the added bones and lacing.

(Uh huh. Right.)

#4 – The auto shut off of social media programs. This would allot only a certain amount of time to Facebook, Twitter, blog surf and e-mail…then it would just shut them off. This could be programmed to block certain distractions…(you know who you are and what you’re doing!) And return your computer screen to the current WIP. Once you’ve written, oh…say 500 words or 1000, your computer will unlock the social media and you’re allowed another bit of recess before hustling the writer back to actual work.

#5 – The Warm Arm. Not to be totally mean, I figure a warm arm across the shoulders would be a nice writer’s invention. Pop this into the microwave, get it nice and toasty and drape it across the shoulders while you write. It will periodically flex and a preprogrammed voice will softly say, “Good job! I like that!”

 

(I’d like to follow the lines of that British website where sexy sounding guys read works of literature. So, let’s get Johnny, Alan…some really nice voices. Q – How about Angelie Jolie?)

This could be substituted with a cat form that sits on the lap and gentle kneads the thighs with the occasional purr. Or the dog head that gentle sets a chin on the thigh and a rhythmic *thump *thump or a simulated tail wag sounds.

What do you need for your imaginary writer’s invention? And no cheating! No, I need a robot writer to do it all! Nope, these inventions are about helping us find our way through the blocks, the distractions, etc. Well?

So I'm taking a class this semester on the mystery genre. We have a list of required reading, and we have to discuss, analyze, and write about these books. Some of them are awesome. We read one with a 1st person narrator who I swear was a dead ringer for Jim on The Glades. Anybody watching that show? His sarcasm and total refusal to play by any rules cracks me up. Plus, he's in love with a woman he can't have, and the romance writer in me just goes "Ahhhhhhhh."

Next week, we're reading Hard Eight, one of the Stephanie Plum mysteries (woo hoo! I'm now I'm not the only one of this blog who could re-read that book a bajillion times and never get tired of it. Of course, the guys in the class are already complaining about being forced to read it).

This week, though, we had to read a mystery I hated. It's old, it was published in 1985, and I mean, everything about this story was 1985. The society itself that these characters were living in almost became an important secondary character. Not only was it set in 1985, but it was set inside the NYPD, in a time when women were legally allowed to hold those jobs, but were generally dismissed by the male majority.

To really top it off, the subject of the book was rape. One main character was a female sex-crimes prosecutor, one main character was a woman who had been raped, and the final main character was the victim's husband, who was also an NYPD chief and having an affair with said prosecutor.

There were a myriad of reasons I hated this book (to the point that I'm absolutely refusing to read another page of it, required or not), but it made me think about the role of society, and especially how it affects the role of women.

Romance has had to do this too -- what was socially acceptable for women or romance in 1985 is hardly even recognizable in 2010. No author today, while writing about the aftermath of a woman's violent rape, would have a doctor-character say something as absurd as (to her husband) "Don't worry about her. Women are remarkably resilient about these types of things. I should have spent more time with you than her. It's harder on men."

Seriously. Reason number #72 I refuse to read any further. 200 pages of that crap was enough. Yeah, dude, it's soooooo much harder for men. Jerk.

But even romance has gone through it's own change in how we deal with women, how we deal with women sharing both careers and families, and how we deal with the fundamental power imbalance between women and men.

Clearly, this particular (male) author never got the memo about women being equal individuals to men. But the romance authors get it (probably because we're mostly female), and our writing encompasses both where we've come from as women and where we still might go.

So, what's your take? Are there romance authors who were tackling these hard subjects back in the 80's? Are there authors who stick out to you, who can take a subject as disturbing as rape and handle in a way that doesn't portray every woman as a victim? Do you avoid books with this topic altogether? Do you find the way writer's from the 80's handled this subject to be fundamentally different from the way we handle the topic today? Do we excuse these types of misogynistic views that we now consider wrong, wrong, wrong! just because it was written in the 80's?

Morning, crew, please welcome Ruth Hartman--author of the humorous and clever book, Pillow Talk, about tooth fairies and true love--who graciously agreed to guest blog with us today. Pull up a pint and welcome her to the ship!

*          *         *

Some days the ideas swarm around my head, like butterflies in mid-summer. Orange, yellow, white and blue. They’re everywhere. Other days…well, let’s just say my brain only generates dust bunnies. And these aren’t cute bunnies, either. So where do ideas come from, anyway?

The first book I wrote and had published was a memoir about my severe OCD. That was not fun to write. Not even a little. But I felt I had something important to say, so I stuck with it until it was done. Sometimes even now, I can’t believe I wrote it, that I put it all out there for God and everyone to read. Although, God already knew my story :). After it was published and I floated down from cloud nine, I felt the inevitable letdown. The okay now what? syndrome. Because as writers, we need to write. It’s just something in us. We have to.

I gave a shot at children’s books. I wrote a story about a cat born without paw-pads. I shopped it around all over the place, but no one was interested. Frustrated, I set it aside. Again, I had the now what? issue. I still wanted to write, and I figured, at least one publisher liked what I’d written for my memoir. Granted, they’re a small, non-profit publisher from England and not one of the big guys, but still, I must have a least a tiny bit of talent, right?

One day while cleaning someone’s teeth, (I’m a hygienist, so don’t be scared that I simply go out on the street and start scraping some stranger’s teeth just for fun), I had an epiphany. What would happen if a hygienist fell in love with her patient? I let that thought ruminate around in my head for a while, then decided the story must be told. And I was just the dental hygienist to tell it. After it was written, I shopped it around. No, no, and again no. No takers. I even had one publisher scold me for using too many capitalized words and for using one of the characters I’d added. At first I was miffed. How dare she say those things about my writing? But you know what? She was right. I made the changes and sent it out again. Someone liked it! “Flossophy of Grace” will be published next year. Which brings us back to my current book, “Pillow Talk”. Another dental theme, it’s about a tooth fairy who falls in love with her dentist.

Ideas can come from anywhere. We all have such different life experiences that make us unique and therefore interesting. Consider your job (if, like me, you have another career besides writing), your family, pets, and hometown. Do you have hobbies? I ended up with a new hobby when I wrote “Pillow Talk”. In the book, the tooth fairy, Trixie, makes jewelry out of dental floss at her day job. Well, if Trixie could do it, I needed to try it too. I love it! Have you heard any stories lately that were so bizarre, the idea stuck in your head? Write it down! You never know what could evolve from that. I’ve read several mysteries where the authors got their idea from watching the nightly news on TV.

And the best source of all is you! If you really sat down and thought about it, there must be several things about you that are unique. For me, I work as a dental hygienist, have severe OCD, am left-handed, cat-crazy, got married at age nineteen to the love of my life, and am the youngest child of an Indiana Baptist preacher. See, the list goes on and on. And I have no doubt that every one of you has just as interesting of a list.

What are some unique things about you that you've turned into scenes or books? Love or hate the dentist? Are you a fan of the tooth fairy, or were you more a fan of the Easter Bunny?



BOOK BLURB:

Pillow Talk

By Ruth J. Hartman

Trixie Trident has a secret. Everyone knows she creates one-of-a-kind jewelry during the day. It's what she does on her night job no one would ever guess. She's a tooth fairy. Not the tooth fairy, just one of many. It would take her whole life just to combat the many misconceptions people have about TF's. Like how nobody wears tutus or uses a wand. Or stands three inches high. Nope, Trixie looks just like any other woman in her mid-twenties. And she'd tell people all of that stuff. If she was allowed to. But she'd sworn a sacred tooth fairy oath that she'd never tell a soul. And she hadn't. Except for her best friend, who would never breathe a word to anyone.


Graham Keebler meets Trixie when she comes to his dental office as a new patient. He's had lots of single women patients before, but no one has ever sparked his interest like Trixie. What is it about her that's so unique? He can't quite figure it out, but he's determined to try, even when she turns him down for a second date.

Trixie is attracted to Graham, like she's never been to any man before. He's what she always dreamed of in a man. And they even have the subject of teeth in common! But a relationship with the gorgeous dentist can never be. How could it? When she's a tooth fairy, and not only can't she tell him, he'd never believe her anyway.

To celebrate Ruth's new book, she will be giving away a copy of Pillow Talk to one commenter. Good luck!

Actually if you've met her, she's a willowy little creature. All that organically clean living, I guess. *drinks more rum* But I'm better preserved than she is.

Okay, the WINNER of The Surrender of a Lady is: Marjana Kaly

Congratulations, Marjana! Please email Tiffany at: tiffany @ tiffanyclare.com (only take out the spaces around the @ sign) with your mailing address so she can get your prize out to you.

*Captain Jack Sparrow nestles more snugly into the large silk pillow and winks at much-anticipated debut author Tiffany Clare, who is seated next to him. Several harem girls are standing around them; and the room is not the ship’s typical cabin we’re used to seeing. It looks as if Arabian Nights exploded in the room*

JACK: Good morning, crew, and welcome to this edition of Fabulous Interview with Captain Jack Sparrow. Today, I have with me the gorgeous and organically clean Tiffany Clare, whom I had the opportunity to meet some years ago. As you might have surmised from her quiet smile and Marian the Librarian glasses, beneath her breast beats the heart of….

TIFFANY: You still talk a lot, I see. *picking up a grape from the great silver tray that one of the harem girls are holding* Are these organic? *glances around* And where are the hotties? Hellion promised me that I would get my pick of the hotties on the ship.

JACK: *looking disgruntled* Er, yes, the hotties are busy. But I find Jasmine, Hyacinth, and Monique are more than satisfactory in their servicing….

TIFFANY: You would. *snaps fingers* Wine, please. *a new tray instantly pops up with a bottle of organic wine and a glass* Thank you. I see I’m going to have to run things.

JACK: Excuse me? I was going to ask the questions. That’s how Fabulous Interview with Captain Jack Sparrow works. I ask the questions and you answer them.

TIFFANY: *smiles seductively* I totally agree. You should ask the questions, and I will answer them.

JACK: *sniffing, slightly mollified* Exactly. *Tiffany thrusts a stack of notecards which Jack takes* What’s this? ‘The Surrender of a Lady is an amazing debut about a woman who is sold into a harem. Could you tell us more about this story and what it was like to write it?’ *looks peeved as he realizes what’s happened*

TIFFANY: *smiling like cat and canary* It was a little scary to write. I think I thought I was out of my ever-loving mind when the story idea came to me. It wasn’t something I had ever read about before and it wasn’t something I’d ever tried writing before.

The story itself is about the sacrifices one is willing to make in the name of love. For Jinan, those sacrifices are made for the life of her infant son. For Rothburn it’s a little harder to define. He’d rip his heart out and put it on a platter for Jinan. There are no lengths he won’t go to keep her by his side as lover, friend, wife.

Jinan is sold into a harem by a series of wrongdoings her husband makes. Only this harem isn’t like others. She’ll be trained to please other men once she is accustomed to her new home.

When she stands on the auction block (as I call it in the book) she never expects to see Rothburn standing before her. Never expects him to bid on her. And prays that he will never recognizes her.

Rothburn is a man haunted by one woman in his past. One he let escape through foolish faults of his own. Now that he’s found her again, not only does their love affair begin, but their love for each other is reaffirmed and his desire to posses her for himself grows stronger.

But when he does the unthinkable—the one thing Jinan has said no to—can their love really survive?

JACK: *sighing but flipping to the next card* ‘Elena—or Jinan as she’s known in the harem—is a very strong heroine. Do you have a secret for writing strong heroines? How do you balance creating a strong but empathetic character?’ These questions aren’t bad really.

TIFFANY: Yes, I thought so. For a heroine to be strong, I think the author almost has to want to put herself in her characters shoes. I took my own worst fears (as a new mother, though those days are long ago now) and gave them to Jinan. I used that emotion on the page till she felt alive to me. It’s hard not to feel empathy for her plight. Hard not to understand why she would sell herself to a position at the beginning of the book that she knows is beneath her.

I also worked with one rhetorical question that provided a mount of emotion and conflict all in itself.

What would you NOT do for the life of your child?

And by life I don’t mean merely to live, but for their happiness, for them to have opportunities you can’t have (because Jinan can NEVER leave the harem). As a mother, there is nothing you wouldn’t’ do, including selling your body to men you might despise.

But, let it be said, if you write a strong heroine, you also have to write a strong hero, and a strong villain (if you have one). I’m very interested in how people will view Amir. He is no more than a pimp, really. But the book is a political battlefield that trades in the currency of sex. It’s about manipulating and negotiating your opponent into giving you what you want. Those are strong character motivations. I hope I’ve justified even his actions to the reader.

But I deviate from the original question now…

JACK: *smiles flirtatiously* Does Elena have a sister? Someone who wears those glasses, perhaps. I do like glasses on a woman. I always think she must know something. *Tiffany just stares at him until he sighs* ‘But of course, we’re here for the hero, who is always powerful and heroic. Tell us more about your hero and why we’ll fall in love with him.’

TIFFANY: How could you not fall in love with a man that will go to great lengths (any lengths) to do what he thinks is right for you? (See above, tearing out heart and platter bit.) No, really. How could you not? J

Rothburn is a man in love right from his first appearance on the page. There is never a question of his feelings for Jinan. He does not deny love. He does not hide from love. Without Jinan he would be lost—again—that’s why he’ll do everything in his power to do what he thinks is right.

JACK: *flips the card* Moving on. Heroes, zeroes.... Okay, here’s a good question. ‘What can we expect next of the incomparable Tiffany Clare?’

TIFFANY: *demurely* I’d hardly say I was incomparable, Jack. But if you want to pay me compliments, I’m all ears *winks*

JACK: Really? It’s what you wrote on the card.

TIFFANY: *stuffing some grapes in Jack’s mouth* The Seduction of His Wife hits shelves February 1, 2011. My marriage of convenience story about a husband and wife that must work out their difference after a 12 years of separation, they never expect to fall in love. Of course danger follows Asbury home and endangers his and his wife’s lives.

JACK: *swallowing and smiling* A wife who hasn’t seen her husband in twelve long years. Now that’s the bedroom I want to visit. Talk about a homecoming. *Tiffany shakes her head* She is glad to see him, right?

TIFFANY: Oh, dear. No, she’s not at all happy. In fact, she locks him out of her room J Asbury is going to have to prove himself because Emma’s quite angry that he thinks he can waltz back into her life and do as he pleases. She has secrets to protect, like how she amuses her time, and she won’t allow her husband to get in her way . . .

JACK: Women. *flips to another card* No, no, oh, here we go. Call story. Tell us your call story.

TIFFANY: I never expected it to happen so fast, nor to get an offer before a rejection (I think you get used to rejection in the business so you almost expect them, LOL). I got an email from my agent telling me we had an offer for three books. But of course I couldn’t say anything, because we still had to hear from the other houses. It was the longest two weeks of my life waiting to see who the final bidder would be in the books.

It felt surreal when it finally happened.

JACK: So there’s a rumor you have your own crew you run with. How important is it to have other people in your life who understand what you’re doing?

TIFFANY: I don’t know what I’d do without my critique partners. They keep me sane, tell me if I’m writing utter crap, smack me upside the head (virtually) when I veer off track and help me focus when I need help. It’s amazing how tightly you can bond with people (even if you haven’t met them yet) because you completely ‘get’ and understand each other. I wouldn’t have made it as far without the friendship I have with my critique partners.

JACK: And lastly—*tosses cards over his shoulder, Tiffany squawks—what would you like to tell the crew?

TIFFANY: I’d like to ask: What lengths would you go to for love? One lucky commenter will win a copy of THE SURRENDER OF A LADY! (North America only)

Well, you've shown me yours.  So now it's time for me to show you mine:  the Hotties that keep my cabin warm throughout the year.  I'll warn you.  There are a lot of them, so it's good that I have FIVE opportunities this month to show some of them off.

First up is the gorgeous Matt Bomer.  I know he prefers a different team, but his eyes and smile manage to make me completely forget about that.

Next is Mark Valley.  Could you possibly resist those blue eyes?  While he's taking a bubble bath?  And inviting you to join him?  Me neither.

And how could I not include Christian Kane, another bad boy with piercing baby blues.  They can almost make you forget to look elsewhere.  Almost.

And another favorite is Marc Warren.  (I swear I hadn't planned on so many M names.)  If you're not familiar with his mischievous baby blues, well, once you've seen him as a con man in the BBC series Hustle, you'll realize that eyes really do sparkle with mischief.

For the finale. . .yes, it's my current crush, Richard Armitage.  Just look at those gorgeous blue eyes, promising so many delicious treats, and then look at his gorgeous. . .self.