The Proverbial Brick Wall
That’s how I’m feeling.
I attended my first RWA National conference last year and came back feeling both overwhelmed and exhausted. I was jet lagged and had run on very little sleep while in San Fran. I had written like crazy in the two weeks leading up to the trip, but upon returning, I still had the burden of working on my degree hanging over my head. That meant not another word on the WIP for the next year. This year’s experience was similar and yet totally different.
Again this year, I wrote like crazy in the two weeks before the conference. Those were my first two weeks after finishing school and I think I was running on the intoxicating combination of relief, accomplishment, and excitement. I didn’t run myself as ragged at this conference and there was no jet lag as I didn’t travel by jet but by train. I even slept in most mornings, rising after all of my roommates had started their days. And yet, I returned home exhausted.
This year, I didn’t come back to the burden of school. I didn’t come back to the burden of anything. I was motivated, the story kept progressing in my mind, and yet I’ve somehow run into a brick wall. The wall I worried would be there when it came time to write.
In an effort to break through, I wrote a bit last night on a short story I’d started back in the spring. It’s a bit autobiographical and so serves as good therapy. Not that I’d torture and insult and ex in a story. Nope, not me.
The words came and I felt good about getting more words down on Sunday, but Sunday didn’t turn out as I’d planned. I woke to find my parakeet not doing well. I’m not sure exactly what happened, but by late afternoon, she was gone and it wasn’t a gentle passing. Let’s just say, that took the wind out of my sails.
The irony is, I’m pretty sure she’s haunting the kitten. Somehow that makes me smile. Even if it’s also wreaking havoc in my living room.
So how do you fix an off feeling when you have no idea what is off? How do you fight an enemy that won’t show its face? If I can’t blame school or the winter blahs or any other distractions, what do I blame?
Books by the Crew
35 comments:
Not what, darling, WHO? Who can you blame? You can always start with your parents and work your way up through the years.
Besides, maybe you just need time to acclimate back to the surface. You've spent the last three years trying to keep from drowning--it only serves that once you finally make it to land and no longer have to keep swimming to keep afloat, you might take a deserved sleep.
Blame whoever or whatever it takes to unload the blame from your own shoulders. Do it as long and as deep and as hard as you need. (Gods, that sounds hot! Where did that come from?)
Honestly, Hellie is right, sometimes you just need to be angry or be tired or be blank. It's there, what you need to get going and you have time.
My issue is usually the need to be blank. I think too much.
Chesney's haunting Bumblebee? Video?
OH, and you can always get the undead monkey drunk and throw him to the Kraken. I always think that is a good idea!
Hellie is right, and I don't often say that.
But the only person to blame is yourself. You have been burning the candle at both ends for far too long.
Like a deep sea diver who surfaces too quickly, you are suffering from writer's bends.
To avoid joining the parakeet it is vital that you surface slowly. Relax more, listen to music, treat yourself, have a sabbatical month where you feel no pressure at all.
Then allow the muse to gently enter your soul. You will know when she comes because you will start to notice the sun rising and the birds singing and realise that a new dawn is here.
Like a phoenix, the new Terri will rise from the ashes of despair (I got that bit from Sin...good ain't it!) and you will ask yourself the fundamental question that has bothered the sages over eons of time: Who am I?
But as Dillon once said "The answer my dear is blowing in the wind, the answer is blowing in the wind"
Alternatively, just chill out and be cool for a while, we all love you anyway! 8)
Hellie - You know me well enough to know that I more likely to blame myself whether it's my fault or not. LOL! I know, I can hear you saying that "someone needs the wood" line now...
Chance - I can't remember the last time I was blank. Though how I can over think things and still miss so much is beyond me.
About the haunting - At some point Bumblebee started chasing something I couldn't see. Eventually I realized it was a fly, but I have no idea how this thing got in the house since I hadn't opened a door in hours. I'm certain it was Chesney doing her best to drive him nuts. However, it cost me one lampshade and nearly everything on my end tables hit the floor.
Q - It never occured to me that I should decompress. Taking time to relax sounds wonderful, but I'm not sure my conscience could take it. I'm always doing something or have some monumental distraction for not doing something. To actually not do anything for the sake of not doing might short out my system. LOL!
But you'r right, as usual. Trying to shift gears too quickly only results in everything grinding to a halt. I will no longer feel bad about my daily naps, provided they don't go on forever.
Q! I was totally trying to figure out how to make a deep sea diving analogy and I couldn't do it last night! (Okay, it'd help if I had a working understanding of deep sea diving. Actually it was late, and I couldn't think of the term of what happens when you surfaced too quickly--so I went with drowning and swimming instead. *LOL*) The bends! That's totally it! See, Terri, you've got the bends!
Did I fall into an alternate universe where Q quotes me?
Ter, some times no matter how much we want to move forward maybe you need to close the door to college and rest your brain for a minute. You've been going, going, going for a while and when that happens, the creative side can start to feel the strain.
So like Miss DPH said, a much deserved sleep.
Ter - I don't know about everyone else but I definitely go through phases of where things come easy and where things come hard. Those weeks where I hit the brick wall, I at least force myself to write 200 words. (One page-ish). That way I write something, even if I end up deleting most of it later. And then I'll go back over and read what I've written before, hoping that it gets me moving forward again.
As for Chesney, I'm sorry hon. I know you loved her. :( Hang in there....
The bends? Isn't that what happens when you don't wait 30 minutes after you eat and jump in the water anyway? LOL! Though I totally agree that I'm bent.
Marn - I did write about 1500 words Saturday night on that short story. That definitely helped. And more of the current scene on the WIP popped into my head last night. I'll see if I can turn that into words here soon.
Sin - No offense but coming from you, the words "much deserved sleep" sounds more like a death threat. LOL! Your rep preceeds you, I'm afraid. But I know what you mean. My brain is rebelling and I guess I can't blame it. Though its timing could be better.
I was thinking about that after I sent that message and knew that someone would refer to my rep. LOL
When I got to feeling really weird lately, my husband said a very wise thing to me (this is why I have kept him for decades). He said, "Success is hard to deal with." And he's right, now that I've overcome huge obstacles (getting an agent, getting contracts), the future I worked toward all these years is THE PRESENT. And it's scary. You're in a similar spot---you've been working and working, you've finished school and...you're in the present too. Don't beat yourself up. You've accomplished so much, and will accomplish even more. I'm older than you, so I know this.;)
I'm thinking along the same lines as Maggie, it seems. I was going to say that sometimes when we want something or work toward something long enough and the anticipation is high, the reality just doesn't measure up. I suffer from that scenario quite often.
I'm also not real great with change. It so often feels as if I've been spinning in a hamster cage for months and months waiting for some relief and when I get it it's just not as sweet or as productive as I thought it would be.
Decompressing is a good suggestion. Try reading for a while instead of forcing yourself to write, write, write. I'm sure your TBR pile is huge. That way you stay connected to your goal but are just giving yourself a little needed time.
I'm sorry about Chesney. I know it's not easy to lose the little critters that inhabit our world.
Maggie - That is very wise. Though I'd expect nothing less from Mr. R. It does feel like I reached my destination, got off the bus, and realized I was still where I started. LOL! Very disconcerting.
I appreciate your support and getting to follow your journey on this writing train. Your success is a reminder that good things really do happen to good people. And that true talent always shines through. :)
Irish - Guilt over this TBR pile (shelves upon shelves actually) could be part of my problem. But I decided this week to read a non-romance. It's a funny memoir of sorts from David Sedaris. Great writing and very fun. Makes my disfunctional family seem, if not less disfunctional, at least no more disfunctional than anyone elses. You should give it a try, it's called Dress Your Family in Cordoroy and Denim.
Terri, you're suffering from the gruesome grays, a debilitating but temporary condition that strikes when someone used to living in a pressure cooker discovers that she's moved off the stove. Self-indulgence is the cure. Read a book you're dying to read, watch your favorite movie again, eat your favorite foods, enjoy meandering conversations with friends, find a beautiful spot and breathe, take time to just be. That's Dr. Janga's prescription for replinishing yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I'm sorry about Chesney. Losing what we love is always rough.
David Sedaris is a riot. He's even funnier live. I do prefer to listen to him on CD though--because he reads his own stuff so he knows where to put the inflections and there is something about his little sardonic drawl on things.
I listened to "When You Find Yourself Engulfed in Flames" and laughed hysterically. There's this story about him and his boyfriend (partner? You know what do you call this person when you're reached a certain age and referring to them as boyfriend seems stupid?) are at the zoo in Australia. David wanted to see a dingo. *LOL* He had no idea what they looked like. *LOL* Anyway, it's just hilarious.
Janga - I'm liking this diagnosis. It does make sense. It's been years since my life was simple and slow moving. I guess this is one of those 'careful what you wish for' moments.
I'm liking your prescription even more. I could follow that advice for the next five years and only knock out half of this TBR pile. *sigh*
And thanks to everyone for the condolenses on Chesney. Her parting was sudden and caught me off guard. I've been fortunate in my life in that I have rarely if ever witnessed a pet's passing. This one wasn't pleasant and so all the more heartbreaking.
Hellie - I will be picking up more of Sedaris' books, but I bet they are even better on audio. Now I'm going to see if I can find them on iTunes. Would be perfect for my road trip to Knoxville next month.
Sedaris is hilarious on tape... I remember one about licensing blind hunters... OMG, I laughed like a loon. You just never know where release will rise to the surface.
It does good to just chill out after a long period of anticipation...you'll make it over this wall. Bricks come down and ya'll build yerself somethin' ya want!
I couldn't find him on iTunes. You could check him out from the library though and listen to him on the way to Knoxville.
I never think of the library for these things. And really? Nothing on iTunes? That stinks.
Chance - Building materials. That's what this is. LOL! I need to keep that in mind.
Good news, plenty of options at the library. Definitely need to get these before leaving for Knoxville.
Just keep some kleenex handy so you don't blind yourself with tears of laughter as you drive. Trust me. And if you're sipping a soda, be circumspect. Pack some sham wows.
I saw an infomercial for those last night and thought it would be fun to buy them for all the pirates for Christmas. Watch your mailboxes in about five months. LOL!
Five months ta Christmas? Oh, hell.
Was it the boxes where they are delivered like kleenex? That just cracked me up!
You ought to ask Q for recommendations on audio books, since he's the big one for listenin' ta fiction...
And I do believe in usin' brick walls ta build other things. Or use 'em for ballast. Me hold be full ta the brim wit' ballast from past regrets, ta dead inner critics, ta things I strive ta forget. It all be ballast.
Or if'n yer a gardener, it all be compost. Shit happens, but it helps things grow if'n ya use it that way.
No kleenex boxed that I noticed. But I knew that five month thing was going to trip us somebody. LOL! Can you believe it?!
I'll have to check him out, Ter. I think the book on tape thing would work better. I'm not too fond of listening to romance books on tape but could do this. It would probably be better as Hellie said cause he lends his own inflections. I liked listening to Dennis Miller's Rants a whole lot better than reading the book for the same reason.
Irish - ITA. I've listened to Romances on CD, but if the voice is slightly annoying or they put the inflection on the wrong word, makes me a little nuts. I did listen to one that was read by two different people. A man did the male character's POV and a woman did the female's. Must better listening experience.
That was supposed to be your instead of yout. I'm making up words again...
A pedicure and a new purse cures everything:)
I'm sorry for your loss. I think Chesney deserves a cameo appearence in a future story.
Pamper yourself, and grab a book that's been calling from yout TBR shelf.
Yout...a cross between a yurt and a tent? :)
Your parakeet has terrible timing, but it must be something more to derail you. You're feeling the story? Are you hearing the character's voices? If not, then maybe you need to dig a little deeper into the story.
Lisa - I have been considering getting that manicure I never found the time for before Nationals. And I'm taking the "read a book" advice everyone has offered. Three stores in search of Eloisa's new book came up empty. But the girl at B&N was nice enough to go back and did me out a copy of Tessa Dare's Goddess of the Hunt. Found my Dove PB chocolates at Kmart and I'm settling in for the night.
Alice - The story hasn't shut up at, that's what's amazing. Two new scenes popped into my head last night. I just have no motivation to figure out how to actually get then on the page. One night of good reading and relaxing and I'll be ready to jump back in tomorrow. That's the plan anyway. :)
The Goddess of the Hunt is amazing. I scored an ARC on Ebay. I can't wait for the next book in the series.
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